For this to be the breaking point ....

[Helpordont]

TTC 4 years
3 failed rounds of IVF this year.
We are taking a break from it because I was hurtling towards thinking suicide was an option.
Yesterday my best friend told me she was pregnant. They don't have sex often and she wasn't sure if she wanted kids. Her DH was desperate for them.
Today I have a good friends baby shower. Her IVF worked when mine failed.
I'm stood in my bathroom crying in my underwear. I sobbed all morning on my DH.
I've cried lines down my fake tan.
How the fuck do I get out the door and more importantly through this ......

[Rosebud21]

@Helpordont - I really feel for you having seen my sister & BIL go through similar at your age (it worked out well for them in the end). Please get support to help you & your DH/DP deal with the HUGE impact of this on your lives - www.hfea.gov.uk/treatments/explore-all-treatments/getting-emotional-support/

[BlackSwanGreen]

Wishing you all the very best OP. I really hope things work out for you - whether that is having a baby or reaching contentment about not having one

[Helpordont]

I went, smiled politely everyone commented on how nice I looked even when I was completely dying inside. I was really humbled when she cried thanking everyone. Sharing some of the pain she experienced through her journey. I felt terrible for not wanting to go and support her. But I'm at the point of not knowing how to carry on. I'm 40 next year. I understand that my chances are slim. But appreciate that I'm in the fortunate position of being able financially if not mentally able to afford it. I would give everything up to be a mum. Counselling didn't work for me. Crying on strangers from parkrun seems to be my coping mechanism of choice. I just seem to muddle through month to month.

Pain is real, but so is hope. Thanks everyone for your kind words.

[Poutintrout]

I feel for you and understand the utter darkness of infertility. It is unfair and absolutely shitty. I am sorry.

You are so brave to consider a baby shower though it is okay to put your feelings ahead of everybody else. The only way I got through the years of unsuccessful TTC and fertility treatment was to just be totally selfish and think of myself. I would have totally broken if not.

I know you won't think it right now but whatever happens, in time, it will get easier. At the darkest point I never thought that could be true but it is. Kind wishes to you.

[Autumntoowet]

Hugs OP.
Come here to rant and shout and scream and cry.
Not fair 😔

[Helpordont]

I just want to be a mum. I feel utterly cheated.

[LadyAllegraImelda]

I wouldn't go and I think she will understand if you just say you were unwell so she doesn't have to feel guilty. She may even be relieved.

[Molly2016]

I really admire you for going. That takes a lot of strength.
I only came on to say this doesn’t have to be the end of the road for you.
Take time to heal and regroup.
I have adopted relatives who are absolutely wonderful. Both older children who have fitted into our family beautifully.
Be kind to yourself and best wishes OP.

[TeenPlusTwenties]

Hope it went OK.
I cried all the way through a christening once.
Are you getting any counselling with the IVF? It is awful when you are desperate to conceive and the world and his wife seem to be having babies left right and centre.
I hit a point when I couldn't cope with the emotional and physical roller coaster any longer. After a long break to regroup and refocus we eventually formed our family via adoption.

[BlackSwanGreen]

Hope the baby shower was ok, Helpordont, or at least that you got through it. Feeling so so sad for you

[Blankscreen]

If you are determined to go go for a short while and get out quick. Your friend will understand.

You might also need to allign yourself with other friends for a while who aren't pregnant having babies etc.
That's not being mean it's looking after yourself. You could write your two pregnant friends a card and explain that you love them but you need to step back. Don't completely drop but you need to look after yourself first and foremost.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Oh I’m so sorry. Dh and I tried and failed to conceive for around 4 years before trying ivf. I was successful on the 3rd attempt and I have a dd. I know I would have struggled very much in your place. Ivf and ttc for so long is a real mind fuck.

Have you bought a present? Maybe get your dh to take you just to drop it round before anyone arrives with a card and well wishes. Don’t stay. Just say you love her, wish her well but don’t want to make the evening about you. Then go home and have a good cry.

[WineGummyBear]

Also been in a similar place.

Started to suffer from anxiety after recurrent miscarriage. Eventually I had to start saying no as putting on a brave face took an enormous toll for days and weeks after events such as these.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful place OP. It's unbelievably painful for you.

Do what you need to stay safe.

[Landlubber2019]

I am so sorry, infertility is utter breaking

Do what you need to do, a good friend will understand. Look after yourself first and often as a baby shower is nice but not important x

[StayDetermined]

Been there. 8 years TTC until my first arrived, with a whole range of treatments and losses.

Get yourself some dark glasses, show your face, leave early x

[Dontdisturbmenow]

This is hell, pure hell, and I really feel for you. You have to be there to really understand the total heartache. All I can say is that whatever the outcome, it really will get better. Somehow, however unimaginable it might feel right now, you'll be ok and back to enjoying life, even if in the end, it is without a child.

Hang in there.

[OneDay10]

My heart breaks for you. Been there lost a pregnancy at 6 months this year. I'm no where near ok but one thing I'm learning is that it's ok to take care of yourself first. This also means stepping away from all things pregnancy related until you feel ok. If this means not attending the baby shower/ not being so much in contact with your newly pregnant friend then that is ok as well. People will just have to understand.

[spanglydangly]

I'm so sorry, you sound in great pain.

Be kind to yourself.

[Rudolphsjinglebells]

That sounds so tough.

You don't have to put on a brave face and pretend you are ok.
It's ok that you cried all morning.
What you are feeling towards your best friend is ok, whatever feelings they may be.

If you are determined to go to the baby shower then be easy on yourself. Only stay for a short while and when you get home reward yourself with a treat for getting through the day.

[Helpordont]

I'm dressed. Granted slightly OTT for the Occassion. But I'm going. I know how hard this was for her. So I don't want to be selfish and no show. Plus it's can't be any harder than shopping for the gift minutes after BF told me she was expecting......FML

[Bluerussian]

Don't go to the baby shower (stupid American idea anyway). Bless you, helpordont, life's tough sometimes, isn't it? I don't know what else to say but do feel for you.

[Graphista]

Another saying you don't have to go.

I didn't go to a good friends baby's christening a few weeks after 2nd mc, I'd not long been out of hospital. Friend understood completely as she'd had a few mc herself.

Friend of then dh's bitched about my not being there to dh who did attend, father of the baby being christened stepped in and told the idiot to butt out! That his wife after mc hadn't felt able to deal with baby related events in the weeks after either.

Decent people will understand, if they don't they're not real friends anyway.

[nobodyputsbabyinthecornor]

Be kind to yourself and don't go . A baby shower is the last place you need to be . Your friends will understand. Hoping things get better for you in the future xx

[Hellofromtheotherside2020]

[TotalRecall]

Don’t put yourself through a baby shower OP. You literally don’t have to.

If your friend is any sort of friend, she will understand.