To be raging mad over this

[Cantsayno]

Posted about this before and my inability to say no to peoples petty requests that they are more than capable of doing themselves, but don’t because it’s easier for them If I do it. And it is an inconvenience to me. I’m 39+1.

So family member takes the piss with requests, going to the shop, lifts here there and everywhere, only recently discovered I was collecting their child from nursery (under the assumption family member was at college) but actually was sat at home and didn’t want to make the journey down to nursery and back and as I drive it was way more convenient for me to hop in the car with my back and be lifting kids in and out of my car.

Anyway, family member has rang me twice today for favours. 1. Babysitting for an hour 2. Go to the shop. Ignored them.

Now put the guilt trip on me asking me to take child to nursery at 8am as family member is unwell. I don’t want to do it. I take my parter to work at 5.30am as he doesn’t drive and he is working over time for our family for Christmas so I will help out where I’m able to.

I find it so god damn cheeky to be hassled day in day out for tasks that they can do themselves and if I wasn’t on maternity leave, would their world fall apart? It seems so!

Aibu to say no? Or turn my phone off and pretend I’ve slept in so oops can’t take them?

Aibu to send a message saying: you’re going to have to stop asking me for all these favours because it’s getting too much, if you’ve forgotten I’m a week away from giving birth and I don’t need to be hounded by you with requests for a lift to location A,b and c and to collect little Jonny from nursery and call into the shop for some milk on my way back home.

Does it come across too arsy? Coz I’m seriously annoyed with it all. Family member actually said to me today ‘well you need to start building up some favours coz I’ll have your child for you if you need me to’ !!!!!! Pardon?! Is this in addition to all the other bastard favours I do for you and the promises of petrol money that never materialise?

[Irisloulou]

I had a family member that lost their car when I was on mat leave. shE came round and said, you will, “you will need to drive me to and from work”

SHe had form for previous CF behaviour.

I laughed and said “ not a chance I’m driving anyone anywhere, I, i’m enjoying looking after my baby” i then laughed loudly.

Now I have a list of excuses pre recorded in my head, it works for lots of different occasions. practice.😀

[honeylulu]

Well done OP!
Honestly, don't worry about what she thinks of you. She couldn't care less what you think of her, as long as she gets her own way!

And keep the £20 - it sounds like she owes you a shitload of petrol money. Tell her so!

[TowelNumber42]

Too many words come out of your mouth!

You are going to have to learn to cope with being the dickhead. When your baby is a toddler he will frequently believe you to be a dickhead for refusing his quite reasonable demands to play with knives, dog poo, etc. A large part of parenting is being the asshole! There are funny subreddits about it.

[Countryescape]

Some people are takers OP. A frenemy of mine has no problem selling her tat on trade me and amazon for a price, yet protests to the enth degree when she wants to buy something and the sellers want a fair price. Basically she’s a cheapskate who uses people for what she can get.

[WelshMoth]

OP, just for a bit of perspective. When my closest female relative was due, I took her out for a gentle walk, bought her tea and cake and did her ironing when we got home. Also popped up her attic to take some storage up.

Stop doing stuff. You'll find these favours are never returned when your baby is born.

[Pinkpanther473]

Aw sorry that your last week of mat leave is taken up by this stress.
Agree with pp that this is not going to come to an end if you give excuses with your ‘no’
Just ‘no I’m not well’ at the most. Don’t reply to angry txt/phone call/knock on door.
Chill and watch telly and have me time.
She probably might never get your POV but who cares, she is hounding someone for favours a week away from giving birth and you need to separate yourself for the sake of you and your baby.
Please do this now, this won’t stop after your baby comes and you will need your strength and energy to look after you and baby, not work out if you are being unreasonable to refuse requests to help out family member- because if she can hound you at 39 weeks I’m sure she will hound you again with newborn as soon as you are physically able to drive.

[OneDay10]

Dont let this take away time from you getting ready for the baby. You have made your stance clear and just keep repeating yourself. If she gets difficult then that is her problem. She doesnt get to bully you. Who is the relative to you?
If she misses the text because she just assumed that you will take her DC to school and if they are late then that is her fault. Do not get sucked into feeling guilty.

[Shoxfordian]

Well done for texting her
Don't do anything else for her ever

[Cantsayno]

Well this morning I’m very cross with myself at say the least.

I have text her and said I’m not taking her because if she is that Unwel I can do without catching it and also had a crap nights sleep which I’m not really lying about. She won’t see it until nearly starting time for her child as she is under the impression I’ll be collecting about 7.50am so it will piss her off but I really hope it does and i hope it turns into an argument so I can tell her exactly what I think because I’m just so annoyed with the whole situation and casting my mind back to when I left for maternity I feel like I’ve just spent it rallying round other folk doing favours and now I’m a week away I don’t feel like I’ve had any me time.

On the drive back from dropping dp off I thought I can’t remember the last time she said to me ‘I’m just popping to the shop do you need anything getting’ so I’m excusing myself from any guilt because these favours are obviously a one way street.

Dp will get the bus once baby is born, well after this week really there’s just masses of over time on at his work place so any opportunity to take in a bit of extra cash, seems a waste to let it pass by

[joystir59]

Learn to say no to things you don't want to do. Keep saying no to things you don't want to do. Give yourself permission to say no to things you do not want to do!

[CSIblonde]

If you contact them they'll start to guilt trip you & try to negotiate. So don't. Ignore texts, ignore phone & ignore front door. And if they're the type to look in/bang on window, tilt your blinds or invest in voile net.

[lotusbell]

Tell her you're not allowed out as you're so close to due date. Or that you're in labour. Then text back after shes had to do her own trips and say "turned out to be just Braxton Hicks!"

[Shoxfordian]

Just say no
Keep saying it

[daisychain01]

And definitely pay back the £20 or whatever it is. Remove any indebtedness. And don't borrow money, even 50p can create a sense of obligation, having a hold over you.

[daisychain01]

Don't complain, don't explain and

They'll get over it

If you explain the reason why, it means you are giving people the impression they are owed a reason why. Which, of course, they are not.

They may whine and lash out, but they won't be able to keep it up, treat them like a toddler who needs to be trained that your word on the matter is final.

I do get the feeling of guilt, but honestly it will pass - the more you get used to putting your own needs first, ahead of these CFs

[justilou1]

This is your new screen saver

[Creepster]

Emmandjack, a small pillow between the knees helps some.

Have you asked your doctor about it. That seems a long time for the pelvic girdle to settle back in where it belongs.

[Creepster]

You are expecting an unreasonable person to be reasonable.
That is never going to happen.
What will your H do for transport when the baby is born?
Having a child is a life changing experience and fortunately it provides us an opportunity to make changes in the way we do things.
Think through all the things you are finding emotionally exhausting and remove as many as you can from you life. You will be glad you did.

I cannot imagine trusting a person that irresponsible with a newborn, can you?

[JenniferM1989]

I have had quite a sore right hip since I had my son. I had a c section so obviously an epidural. Did you have an epidural? I can't really sleep on my right side at all now. I'm going to finally get some physio. Can you mention it to your HV and see what she says? Mine has recently gotten worse. Are you on any contraception? Mine seems worse since I went on the depo injection

[Emmandjack]

Just wondering if anyone has experienced similar, I’ve given birth 16 weeks ago and only ever sleep on my side. Since I’ve given birth my hips are so sore when I’m sleeping and I’m having to turn over several times in the night in quite bad pain but trying to sleep on my front or back just doesn’t work so I’m having to put up with said pain , just wondered if anyone else had experienced similar and if so what did you do about it, I don’t know if medicine or physio is an option?

[bpirockin]

You really need to stop your people pleasing, you have a family now, and your own priorities to think of. Just say NO. You could say it is not convenient, or not this time, but the use of the word "can't" leaves you open to questioning as to why, when in reality you do not have to explain or justify your decision. You may then end up making excuses/lies, and feeling bad about doing so. If an explanation is "required" then please remember that you are practising self-preservation and that is not the same as being selfish, which a CF might accuse you of because they are so used to you being at their beck and call. They won't like the new dynamic, but they'll either adapt to it or they will find another sucker.

I've been the sucker, felt selfish when I started to put my foot down, and lost a bit of "dead wood" in the process, but you will adapt. It takes time and practise, but you will get there. You've recognised the problem, so now you get to take steps to change it, and free up your energy to maintain your own family.

Best of luck with the baby and your new anti-CF approach.

[WhenPushComesToShove]

Obviously you need to tap on it to see the whole thing

[WhenPushComesToShove]

This may help...

[Elliania]

@cantsayno - she's got too much neck to show compassion. PLEASE stop expecting decent behaviour from her because she's repeatedly shown you that isn't going to happen. There isn't a magic number of favours you need to hit before she leaves you alone and stops asking. There are no magic words to make her understand. She's like a puppy, you can't explain to the puppy why you don't want it shitting on the floor, you just need it to stop doing it. And you do that by telling it "no".

[Cantsayno]

Idle - I know, I need to put my foot down I just thought that with me getting increasingly more pregnant she would think oh well best not ask for a pathetic favour. But it doesn’t work like this clearly. I’ve sent her a message saying she needs to stop and in the morning I’ll be sending another message saying I can’t do the run. I think I have improved slightly by ignoring calls and texts but I guess I just don’t like to be put on the spot and just say ‘no’ and if I’m asked why, just say ‘because I don’t want to’ coz then I feel like I’m being a dickhead and that people think I’m a dickhead and it annoys me about myself that I’m like that.
The feeling I get in my stomach is like someone is squeezing it when I know I’m being backed into the corner and I reluctantly agree even though inside I’m screaming no. It’s my own doing and I can only really be cross with myself but you’d think as another woman who has experienced heavy pregnancy etc that she would show a bit more compassion and leave me the fuck alone.