to not want dss staying?

[LoopyLouLisa]

I feel like a bitch. Dp called earlier to say his son (12yrs) has fallen out with his mum and wants to stay with us.

Normally i really wouldn't have a problem with this, but the timing....

I go in for a cs with dc2 in 11 days. Dp works away all week (leaves monday early am and back fri night) and I also have ds1 (18mths) to cope with. It seems he wants him to stay for a few weeks. I am gutted that the time I thought we will now not have any time on our own with lo. My mum is already taking ds1 off our hands quite a lot in the early days as I wont be able to lift him and dp will have to now do school run for the whole of his short paternity leave, approx 10 miles each way, just because of a teenage spat.

Dss isn't a horrible child but can be demanding when he hasn't got much to do. On the weekends when we do have him, we have to take him out, regardless of whether we can afford to or he whinges the whole time that he's bored. It also means we never get chance to take ds out doing something more suitable for a toddler, as dss gets impatient. i have a few issues with his language and temper too as i don't think ds1 should witness/hear it, but as dss isn't mine i cant discipline him.

i just don't have the energy or strength to be dealing with this right now. am i being completely unreasonable ? is it just my hormones?

[HonoriaGlossop]

I would make a huge, huge fuss if this was me, about the boundaries being the same for your DP's son with you, as they are at home. On the big things, at least. i personally count swearing at family members a big thing, so I'd want that sorted.

Of course he must be able to stay with his dad, but it needs to be made crystal clear that he CAN run, but he has nowhere to hide in terms of just upping and leaving if he doesn't like the rules at home! He needs to be told very clearly what the expectations and rules are while he's in your house.

And I'd tell my DP,if this was me, to absolutely take a running jump if he thinks 'discipline matters' should be 'referred to him', while he's away all week and you are coping with a step-son, a toddler, a newborn, and the after effects of a CS.

I'm sorry, but WTF IS HE THINKING??????

So, yes, I'd allow him to stay if this was me but only conditionally...your DP home as much as possible to help, your DP and you making the rules and boundaries very clear, and your DP backing you up fully. If your DP isn't willing then he is being utterly unreasonable.

Good luck with the CS BTW.

[LoopyLouLisa]

I think I have come to terms with him staying, but once he's gone back to school and dp is back at work i just don't see how it can work. he would not be allowed to take the bus to school by himself so the only option would be for me to accompany him with my dc in tow, and i don't think it would be unreasonable for me to refuse to do that. i would be spending up to 8 hours a day (2 buses, 10 miles each way through city centre rush hour traffic)on buses with an 18 month toddler and newborn and i cannot see how i can possibly be expected to manage that, even if i wasn't having a cs 2 weeks prior.

i think i should give dp the option that if he wants dss to stay longer, he will have to change jobs to accommodate the school run (more leave is not an option as he is using the last 2 weeks of this year's entitlement as paternity leave - not been with employer long enough, unpaid leave would result in us losing our home as landlord will not accept housing benefit) or that dss will have to change to a local school.

i think that the row was not serious enough really to warrant all of this and at 12 years old there are gonna be many more instances where dss doesn't agree with the boundaries he's given regardless of which parent he's living with. i think that the impression dss has of what life would be like if he lived with us are very different of the reality. so far he's just been taken out and lavished with money and attention which simply cannot continue. i understand why dp has done this after not having access for so long but i can see how ds1 is suffering as he is not getting any attention from dp anymore. when dss comes down i think i should make this weekend an example of how living here would be. give him some basic chores like washing up to do, and make sure each child gets some one on one attention from dp. there wont be any day trips as it's our last weekend before lo arrives and we need to get the house sorted, and we've got no money this week anyway.

i agree that their relationship is very important, however we (dc and me) are dp's family too and we also only get to see him at the weekend. the last few months have followed a pattern of dp 's weekend revolving completely around dss and i have felt like a single parent to ds1. maybe this is where the resentment is coming from and i should suggest alternate weekends.

[Surfermum]

I don't see how it will work when he has to start going to school either. Unless he changes school, and it wouldn't be right to do that if he is only going to be with you for 3-4 weeks.

I guess to be fair to your dp, he is jumping at the chance of having his son to live with him, and I can't blame him. I can remember how heartbreaking it was for dh when his x didn't let him see dsd.

I think having a "normal" weekend is a good one, and having him short term to give him and his mum a breathing space.

[Rin23]

Hi Loopy - I posted this on Sept thread then realised you had one here. Haven't had time to read all the other posts but this was what I said on the other thread.

LLL - read your post with lots of sympathy. I am stepmum to a 9 year old and I think it would be pretty hard having her to stay in the early days with the baby. So far her mum has been quite understanding and as far as I'm aware we'll have some time to ourselves when the baby arrives. It did occur to me that perhaps your DSS's mum is not being overly sympathetic to your situation here? Can your DP have a word with her? She is the adult in the situation, and therefore the one most likely to be able to sort out their differences. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable - as someone else said, it's going to be really boring for DSS too, as well as extra work for everyone involved (apart from the baby!). It's a one off occasion (with this baby) for you so you deserve to think of yourself and the baby on this occasion.

Good luck!

[law3]

i think teenagers do sometimes try to play parents off against each other.

My own 13 year old son decided he was going to live with his dad (my ex) after i grounded him.

What he didnt bargain for was that he would still be grounded when he got to his dads and he was back home after 2 days!!!

My ex and i always back each other up when it comes to the kids, same rules at his house as i have at mine, bed time remains the same, you have to make your bed etc, etc.

I would suggest that you speak to his mum about rules and make sure you apply the same rules at yours, so he doesnt get any 'special treatment'. The grass is not always greener!!!

[law3]

My own 13 year old son decided he was going to live with his dad (my ex) after i grounded him (im sooooo unfair!!)

What he didnt bargain for was that he would still be grounded when he got to his dads and he was back home after 2 days with an apology for me!!!

My ex and i always back each other up when it comes to the kids, same rules at his house as i have at mine, bed time remains the same, you have to make your bed etc, etc.

I would suggest that you speak to his mum about rules and make sure you apply the same rules at yours, so he doesnt get any 'special treatment'. The grass is not always greener!!!

Also find out why he wants to come and stay with you. As he could be being totally unreasonable with his mum and at least then you will have the opportunity to talk to him about this. If thats the case once he realises that perhaps you too find his behaviour unacceptable, he wont want to keep on running away from responsibility.

[law3]

ooops that came up twice!!! must be going senile!

[law3]

Can i also add that i too have a dss of 13 years old as well.

I used to feel quite resentful at times in the early days (my partner and i have been together for 8 years now) but i now look at my dss as if he were my own and i treat him exactly the same as my own kids, i also dish out disclipline if needed we dont have your kid my kid anymore, is the only way forward, as resentment eats away at you!!

Ask yourself if this were YOUR child would you be feeling so reluctant to let him stay or would you welcome him no matter what the circumstances.

[MrsMarvel]

Not read thread, but No Way are you BU.

The time when you come home with a new baby is crucial for you and your new family. Stepson will not be helpful at that time. I had similar when my firstborn was due, he left out of respect for our space.

His Mum is his main carer, and it should stay like that. If you want that to change long term, let it happen after you have got over the initial hurdle of a new baby.

The odd overnight stay out of sympathy is one thing, but "a few weeks" means space for laundry, toothbrushes, meals, responsibility (what happens when there's an emergency - who will look after 12 year old?)

This could be disastrous for everyone! No Way!

Try to separate the long term plan from the short-term one.

[lizziemun]

YANBU

But i think the problem is that in one of your later posts that your DH ex has only been allowing visit for the last few months.

It is if your DH wants to prove to his son that he is the good/better parent.

I also think that you need to set stict rules for your house for both DSS and DH.

Make it clear from the start DH cannot do the discipline if he is not at home, also you will not be doing the school run with a baby and toddler.

[LoopyLouLisa]

ok, so now i've had some absolutely great feedback, i need some advice on being a new step-parent, and about parenting a teenager. dp also has another son (17) by the same mother, however it has always been left up to him how much contact he has with us.

i think all of the family including dss's mum need to know where we stand. i want to propose that we have access alternate weekends (75% of dp's time at home as he tends to work overtime every other sunday too) plus extra during school holidays if he wants and as we are in the process of decorating ds1's room, i would like to suggest making it into a room more suitable for ds1 and dss to share.

with the age gap i think it's going to be difficult to please everyone but my feelings aside, ds1 also needs time to adjust to these quite major changes of getting to know a new baby as well as dss. so far since access has been allowed ds1 has been completely neglected (we used to take ds1 swimming for a hour every weekend and as dss doesn't like swimming none of us are allowed to go) and i think day trips etc should start to become more of an occaisional event rather than every visit, with one being focussed around a teenager, the next more suitable for younger children too. i am going to insist swimming starts again and if dss doesn't like it then he will have to sit and watch, after all ds1 only lasts in the water 30-45mins so it's not all day. i also think i should give dss some responsibilities/chores as he receives pocket money every visit and i wouldn't give it to a child of my own without expecting it to be earned. i was thinking of asking him to wash the car or wash up after i've cooked a meal.

during each of dss's visits i will take care of the other dc for a couple of hours so that dp and dss can have some 1-1 time too but dss has to allow dp to spend some time with ds and lo too. i could help dss with his homework or something to allow this.

dss is coming to visit when dp returns at the weekend but i am goona stick to the plan of a 'normal' weekend. there are several things dp needs to do around the home, like cutting the grass etc and we need to be at home most of this weekend to do it (dp back to work mon til thurs, then baby being born next fri!)

i think if i know when dss is visiting in the future i will feel happier. i came from a 'broken' home and i definitely felt more secure knowing exactly when it was dad's time with us, so surely it would be benefitial to dss to know where he stands too? this current row with his mum is not serious, like i said she just doen't want to be treated disrespectfully anymore which is completely understandable. and i honestly think i would be much more open to him staying long term if there was a real problem. at the latest i think he should go home when the new term starts. it would be better for all of us and i don't think it's fair that dss is allowed to stay here while ds1 is shipped off to my mum when lo arrives. me dp and lo need some time alone too, and like someone said, dss isn't the only child involved here, there are 3 who's needs are of an equal priority. i don't buy it that dss comes before ds1 and lo, or the other way around.

[MrsMarvel]

Gosh what a wonderful mature sensible person you are!

[LoopyLouLisa]

do i really sound that horrible?

[Wallace]

I don't think she is being sarcastic
You really sound like yuo have your head screwed on, and will work towards the best for everybody

[MrsMarvel]

God no, I'm really serious - you have dealt with a really complicated difficult situation fantastically well, fairly and with great kindness.

No, don't think that!

[elkiedee]

That sounds very reasonable to me, I really hope for you that it works. Let us know how dp reacts to these proposals.

[LoopyLouLisa]

I am sorry mrsmarvel. i am very paranoid and on edge atm. i am expecting many objections and am obv being unduly defensive. my dad and stepmum are on holiday atm and in an ideal world i think my stepmum would've been my first port of call for advice on this. god knows we gave her hell when we were growing up. how she managed to hold it all together is completely beyond me. i just feel like all my confidence has been blown away, not just by a 12 yr old who wants to have a tantrum (which btw, turns out it was because his mum wouldn't allow him permission for a body piercing), but also by the imminent arrival of the new baby. although we are not without our problems, until now my home has been quite a happy and harmonious one with an established routine that seems to work all round. i am the one who really feels like stamping my feet and throwing my toys out of the pram and i feel really selfish for wanting dp to focus on me and lo for a few days around the birth and put our needs first for a change. i am usually the first to drop everything when one of the family is in need and i have never asked for it in return (mil wouldn't even leave bingo to accompany me when i was taken to hospital last week, dp was away as usual and my mum was caring for ds1, i sat on the bed sobbing my heart out as i was there alone and worried for lo). my nerves are in shatters and if this doesn't work out i don't know what the next step could be.

[LoopyLouLisa]

dp is home tonight (extremely rare occurance for midweek) and have spoken to him briefly. i have thought about it and feel that rather than one big discussion with me making loads of demands, i should take a little step at a time.

dp has also used this opportunity of being home to pick dss up and have him stay (i did a naughty and looked at his phone and this was all arranged yest with dss's mum but i wasn't informed until this evening- not very happy about not being informed but can't really do much about it now). dp is back to work early tomorrow and i have told him that i have plans, i am taking ds1 to toddlers and it isn't possible to take dss as he is too old, and dp will not allow dss to stay here while i go (about 2 hours). therefore dp is taking dss to work with him and they'll both be back fri night. we also agreed that dss will go home sunday night and that me, dp and ds1 have some time together on monday as it's a bank holiday.

i feel i've made progress though as i didn't encounter much objection from dp when i suggested that dss comes sat and sun on alternate weekends, as currently we tend to receive a phone call last minute asking if we can have him. i just explained that it's not really fair that none of us know where we stand from one day to the next and i need to know when/what plans we can make without having to cancel them all the time like we're currently having to do. think i'm just gonna have to see how that goes. nervous about how this weekend is gonna go...

[BrownSuga]

law3 has good advice. if your dss comes to stay over this spat, he'll try to do it everytime his dm doesn't let him do what he wants. it'll be a yoyo situation and not good for anyone.

[law3]

My dh used to do exactly the same thing make arrangements for my dss to be here, even though he wouldnt be and would even make arrangements for me to pick him up or wait in for him etc without telling me. I felt like a babysitting service for my dh ex!! I think thats where a lot of the resentment came from.

I insist that my dh consults me before making arrangements for ME and we both have to agree to them.

I also took my dh ex out of the picture completely and tried to see it through my dss eyes and how upsetting it must be to feel that your not wanted.

[law3]

just read the bit about the body piercing. I would have to say to your dss that i totally agree with his mum and that although he is welcome to come and stay as usual for the weekend and have a couple of days away from mum to let the arguement cool off, he cant stay for a few weeks.

He is old enough to have the situation explained to him, and reassure him that he can stay for a week or so during the next holiday.

teenagers are always falling out with their parents because we are soooooo unfair, if his parents were still together what would he do, where would he go???

[marge2]

Definately not unreasonable IMO! I also have a 12 year old SS and two SDs. We had similar requests, but IME this is what happens. .....SS has fallen out with his Mum this week, what happens if he falls out with you or his Dad next week? Then falls out with his Mum again the week after.
He'll be pinponging back and forth to whoever is giving him the easiest time. Your DH's ex needs to sort the issues out with her son with the support of DH, otherwise if he is always allowed to go to the easiest house his behaviour will spiral downwards!

If the issue is still around in a few months time then MAYBE consider having him live with you, but NOT now with a baby arriving at any moment. Your DH is being unreasonable to even ask you to consider it!

[marge2]

hahahahaha - also just read the body piercing thing. Aren't teens ( and nearly teens) funny???

In this case he can come for the weekend as usual but NO WAY can he stay for a few weeks just when you will be at your most ever stretched in your life!!

What a prat your DH is to even ask you ! Sorry!

[law3]

That seems to be a big problem your dh doesnt ask you, he just makes the arrangements then tells you.

I assume that you dh doesnt approve of the body piercing thing, i think when your dss comes to you, your dh should make it clear that he agrees with the mum and also have a word with him about the way he speaks to his mum and that an apology might be in order. You need to have a united front, otherwise he will run rings around you.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship!!!!!

[LoopyLouLisa]

i think it's finally hit dp that he has to put his feelings for his ex aside and stop playing nice parent/evil parent with her and provide some stability for dss. when he came back last night i think he realised how much extra work it involves for me when dss is here. i didn't sit down, even to eat, until 11pm and i am in no condition to be doing that.

i also told him that i knew he had arranged the visit at least 24hours before telling me and that i should be the first to be ASKED not the last to be TOLD. i insisted he phoned his ex there and then and proposed the alternate weekend visits with immediate effect and dh ex was very agreeable.

i have suggested that, even though it would be our weekend without dss, dp pick up dss next weekend to bring him to hospital to meet lo, but only for a short time and then again for an hour or 2 when i am home from hospital, but that me and lo will need dp for the rest of the time. dp is still thinking of the paternity leave period as a 'holiday' and i think he will be shocked to discover how much support i am going to need while recovering from major surgery. maybe it will be a learning curve for him to discover how much i do

xx