DD got fuck all for her birthday from anyone

[benetha]

She is saying she's not bothered but I can see she's hurt and so am I. We moved about a year ago (abusive relationship, needed to get away), it was quite sudden and she didn't tell anybody until we'd gone. Friends got upset and fell out with her over this, attempts have been made to rekindle contact but they don't seem bothered and it fizzled out. Couldn't get her into a school in the new area (she was Y11 at the time) at that point in the Year and so she wasn't socializing with anybody and I had to pay for her English and Maths GCSE.

She's now in college but she has only been allowed to do a Level 1 Btech due to only having 2 GCSE's, and most of the people in her class have learning disabilities, won't turn up half of the time or barely speak a word of English. DD hasn't been able to forge any friendships.

Her birthday was 2 days ago (am only making this post now as
I hoped something would come in the post a bit later but it didn't) and other than the stuff I got her (and the tenner bank transfer she got off her dad), she's got zilch. Fuck all. Not even a card. Didn't expect anything off friends but there's been nothing from my family or her dads family. Granted my parents are dead and my 2 sisters live 2 hours away and have a lot going on (grandchildren etc), but is it really hard to just write up a happy birthday message on Facebook? I did post something on my wall wishing my DD a happy birthday hoping to remind people and I know people read it but nobody sent her anything. It's Dsis's DIL's birthday next week and I was going to get her something but now I don't want to.

Nothing off her aunt and uncle on her dad's side either, she has a grandma alive through her dad but she has late stage dementia.

I know DD is upset because she said sarcastically to me before "I'll put a thank you message up for all of the good wishes.", and she was in bed all of her birthday checking her phone. In a way I want her to so everybody will see it.

I know this will be forgotten soon enough but I am so heartbroken for her. I know she's had a really hard time of it recently and I've booked 4 days in New York for us before Christmas with the last savings I had (her dream holiday) so at least she's got that to look forward to but I feel I've failed her.

[Trewser]

A school would have had a place for her based on your circumstances. Too late now, obviously, but a shame for her. She needs to be able to move on and make her own, new friends. This is much easier with education.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

How can it be okay that this young girl didn’t get a school place? That can’t be right surely. What did your MP say about it? Did you go to the press?

[TabbyMumz]

In my experience, teenagers dont use Facebook, so perhaps noone would see it? They tend to be more active on snapchat, instagram and the like. Facebook is old hat to them.

[TabbyMumz]

I cant understand why the local authority didnt find a school for her so as she could finish her GCSE's? Surely they have an obligation to? Its illegal if they didnt?

[QueSera]

Do you think they've just forgot? It is bad to forget family/friends birthdays, but it happens to me too the best of us. I find I need to give my family/friends a reminder a week or so before DC's birthday, and maybe the day before as well, as they're all v busy, and I like getting a reminder from them about their DC's birthdays.
You've certainly not failed her! You're there for her! If you can afford it, maybe do a birthday celebration this weekend, a film and a meal out at her favourite restaurant? Or a free event (museum, gallery etc - google your city for ideas) and a nice packed lunch? Or cook her her favourite meal? Bake a cake (Betty Crocker do great mixes and icing if you don't like baking), or stick a candle in an iced bun? Is there any possibility that you could invite anyone round for a little celebration?
You sound like a wonderful mum, good luck OP x

[ScrimshawTheSecond]

Oh, I feel for you both.

What a wonderful gift the trip to NY will be, you're amazing and she's so lucky to have you as a mum.

For what it's worth, I think birthdays can often end up being a bit shit - we hope for an expect so much, and they rarely end up as we would dream of them being.

My son (10) struggles a bit with friends, so I always put in massive effort for his birthdays, probably a bit too much, really. It's very, very hard to see your kid struggling.

However! I read something really good the other day, hold on, will go and find it ...

skepticalinquirer.org/2019/11/nine-evidence-based-guidelines-for-a-good-life/?fbclid=IwAR1Po_JVzEKANXlKUt8bI1DG_QQwqxqO-g6Dg9ARyrvhNzcSm80aq8duaTU

The relevant bit is #7: Just teach your kids how to cope.

Life can be hard - it's not up to us to make our kids happy (nor is it possible). We can try to help them through the hard times, is all, teach them ways to cope.

Although it still makes my heart ache when my son gets a snub from 'friends', I was amazed and quietly proud to see how he dealt with it recently. He was upset, he talked about it, he felt better.

If you're looking for the silver lining, this kind of shitty experience (that just about everyone can relate to, because it happens to most of us at one time or another) can show you both how lucky you are to have each other.

[TowelNumber42]

Coming from an abusive home the both of you are probably excessively attuned to the moods of others. Also likely to feel a bit panicked if others are in a huff with you. You are over reacting, notice it in yourself and keep a lid on it. Think Hmmmph, goes to show they weren't good aunties and friends after all. If they cared they'd be being extra kind. Good riddance.

[RuffleCrow]

I should say that in my family people send cards but that's it. They're not interested in forming meaningful relationships with me or my dcs - it's also just for show.

[RuffleCrow]

That's so true @Halleli - before if you only got two cards, that was a private matter. The internet sucks, in many ways.

[TowelNumber42]

It is a bitter wake up call that the whole family is rotten and abusive. Be glad you are rid of them. Encourage her to feel that way. Make new friends to fill your lives. One day she will most likely make her own family, which can be full of lovely kind people without any abusive crap. Most families are like that. Teach her the way of "Fuck the lot of them. I'm doing something different."

[LannisterLion1]

Your poor dd, let down by her extended family and you left to feel so saddened for her.

If none of them could be bothered then I'd do one of two things: text them to tell them how disappointed your were no one made the effort to even watsapp or fb message her on her birthday or wait until they contact you and then say. I certainly would not be buying even a card for those who didn't wish my child, who has had a real shit time of it due to her abusive dad, a happy birthday.

[sashh]

Most colleges only do GCSE English, maths and Science.

OP

It's shit, sorry for your dd.

If it's any consolation I taught a level 2 group, one student was obviously much further ahead than the other students. I found out she had not attended school much because of bullying but she was heading to the level 3 course the next year and had made some really good friends along the way starting at entry level, that's pne below your dd..

See if she can do science GCSE alongside her level 1 course as it might be useful in the future.

[Trewser]

Please try and sort out her education. She could repeat a year and do some gcses.


I hope you have a lovely trip together.

[Clearnightsky]

I think I’d do something really special this weekend with her. Depending on money - if no money then just pamper her and make her toasted soldiers and that kind of thing!

And I’d phone up your relations and get them to send stuff and phone and lay it on thick that she’s had a rough birthday.

[CravingCheese]

You, OP, did nothing wrong imo (at least not based on the Infos you provided).
your dd's family however most certainly did.

I'm really sorry she has to deal with people like that.

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

I don’t think we should assume the daughter’s dad and the abusive partner are one and the same person. OP refers to her daughter getting nothing from her father’s side, which suggests they have contact details.

[TowelNumber42]

I think she has more options for her education than you realise. She needs to make new friends, which means she needs to be amongst potential friends. Clearly her school doesn't provide that so if you do nothing else go get proper advice on the options available to her and get her in a crowd that will become her new friends. This is another pivot point for you. One that can make everything better still.

[musicposy]

Straycatstrut if you home educate, which is effectively what the OP had to do, then yes, you have to pay. Colleges won't usually take Y11s for GCSEs so if OP couldn't get a school place for Y11, college wouldn't have been any easier. There is zero support for doing them at home and it's expensive - people don't realise.
A lot of colleges only offer English and Maths at GCSE but from the level 1 BTech you can move on to a 2 so it should come good in the end, will just require a bit of perseverance.

OP, it sounds as though you're doing brilliantly with her. Reassure her that although things are rubbish at the moment, it won't always be like this for her. Because it really won't.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

Um. Won’t you need dad’s permission to take your DD out of the U.K.? Unless he’s been convicted and in prison for DV, the law won’t let you take her out of the country without his agreement.

[Straycatstrut]

Why did you have to pay for her GCSE's?! I'm re-sitting all mine at aged 32 to do a medical degree and tuition is all free... is that just for adults?

Anyway I did the same as you just over a year ago now, moved my boys away from their dad who was mentally and sexually abusing me whilst I had mental health issues (much, much better now, wonder why!) whilst his family took his side. Moved back home, 5 mins away from my parents. We're much closer now. Is that an option for you - moving closer to the family you'd like to be closest to - distance & emotionally I mean!

It's so hard being a single parent isn't it? Sometimes you just need to hear a big "You're doing great!"... so here's yours - you are doing GREAT!... your daughter will love her NYC trip so much she'll forget all about this

[GrumpyHoonMain]

Contact Open University. They will do let 16-18 year olds start undergrad degree courses in this situation and you don’t need any qualifications like GCSEs or A Levels to do them. I think doing a honours degree (there are classes she could attend) might end up being more useful for her and she could volunteer etc for the social side.

[NotaWagon]

I'm trying to calculate what age your dd is and I think, 16 (?) year 11. If you start school at four, 11 years later, 15, and you left a year ago.

At that age they don't post presents. Are they in touch on whatsapp or instagram.

I know my DD wouldn't be posting presents to friends she had LAST year. It's just not like that for them. Their world is what's right before them right now.

[NotaWagon]

You haven't failed her at all.

She just needs to learn that to a degree, out of sight is out of mind and that that doesn't mean that friendships can't be rekindled or that new ones won't be made.

[InACheeseAndPickle]

I would be hurt too op. After such a difficult year of course she could do with some support, how thoughtless of your family not to acknowledge her birthday.

I would definitely draw a line under it though and focus on building Dd's life up in this new town. Does she have a job (not even to earn money but to get out of the house and meet people)? Could she take more gcses somewhere? Are there any volunteer roles she might fancy? Exercise classes? Hobbies? Sounds like she needs a boost and something to root her to her new home.

[Lovemusic33]

You haven’t failed her, you moved away to keep her and you safe?

My dad’s don’t get much either, I try and make birthdays special but it’s often a disappointment and most family don’t bother or send cards late.