To ignore this mean old woman’s email?

[tomboytown]

Old Aunty of my late husbands. Never met her.
She just said She thought my mil was selfish and spiteful for taking Dh’s ashes back to his country to be buried with his father.
Firstly it was my decision, mil didn’t ask.
He loved his country, wouldn’t wanted to have been buried here
Secondly, there’s more people there that will visit the grave
Thirdly, my son and I wouldn’t visit a grave, we talk to him whenever we feel like it.
And lastly mil isn’t even In that country, she lives some where else, so it’s not like she wanted it for herself.
So do ignore, or try to explain
She’s my mil’s sil, no love lost between them

[tomboytown]

I am interested in the ancestry stuff she sent, some was relevant but some was just people with the same name, completely different years.

I’ll just go back to her with concise response.
She’s asked about mil, doubtful they’d ever be in contact now.

[GertiMJN]

I am always so saddened by people who in response to something rude/ mean / upsetting resort to responding with something rude / mean or upsetting.

This Aunt thought the mil was out of order so wrote something mean. Some posters want OP to do exactly the same by sending a nasty email to point out the Aunt is out of order .... Surely that would make tbe OP exactly like the Aunt!

Thankfully OP shows no sign of being like this.

[Straycatstrut]

Agree with the majority re @SoupDragon. Explaining politely to her that it was what your DH wanted should be the end of it. No "Buts".

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Laughterisbest
Agreed

I think you should send Soupdragons response: It was my decision in accordance with DH’s wishes and add “Mil kindly agreed to organise this for us. Your feelings have been noted.”

[MrsEricBana]

Yes I think put exactly what Soupdragon said so you've "dealt with it" then give her no more thought. Hope you and your son are ok. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Drum2018]

"Dear Old Aunty,
In reply to your email, I gather my decision to bury dhs ashes in his beloved home country has struck a chord with you. At this stage in your life it must be making you think of your own mortality and if you would like to discuss your wishes for when you die then that's no problem. If you let me know where you want to be buried I can pass this information on to the undertaker when the time comes. Best not to delay in making your decision though ...
Best wishes,
@tomboytown

[lottiegarbanzo]

Tell her it was your decision. Nothing more.

Her age is irrelevant. Young men and women can be mean too.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

Tbh I think I'd be quite entertained by criminal convictions in the family from 100 years ago.

[Laughterisbest]

It's so predictable that on any thread about a mean or nasty older woman some posters can't articulate a response without resorting to 'interfering old bag' or 'some old bat'.

[FenellaVelour]

It’s for you to decide but if you do reply I’d suggest something very simple and concise.

“Thank you for your [faux] concern, but this was DH’s wish.”

(Without the “faux” obviously, strikethrough doesn’t work on my iPad 😬)

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

@StillCoughingandLaughing it's a very reasonable suggestion

[tomboytown]

I’ve just gone back through her emails and the last ones were about the family tree and she seemed to be taking great delight in finding criminal convictions from 100 years ago

[tomboytown]

Actually echt her age is irrelevant

[StillCoughingandLaughing]

WTF? You think it is in any way acceptable to suggest she should bury or burn herself alive? Really?

Yes, I seriously think she should bury or burn herself alive. 100% serious comment.

[BillHadersNewWife]

There's always one isn't there OP!? Completely up to you...you knew him best. I live away from home and I want half my ashes back in the UK near my Dad and half here in Australia.

Nothing wrong with that.

[echt]

I'll get deleted for this, even though this is on AIBU: her age is irrelevant

Why would this get your post deleted

Because I was as outspoken on the Bereavement forum issue where an OP was, in my opinion, out of order. I was deleted . I'll get deleted for mentioning this deleted post.

[tomboytown]

And it’s been 5 years! She said she’s been meaning to ask me!!

[tomboytown]

If she’s trying to support me there’s better words to use rather than selfish and spiteful.
I do feel the need to defend mil, the last time I mentioned her to mil she said she’s just nosey, so I thought I wouldn’t feed her any info. She did know DH well when he was little, but hadn’t seen him for about 30 years.
Mil doesn’t do email, Aunty first emailed me with condolences when DH died and now she sends me about 2 emails a year, asking about ds mainly.

[Bouldghirl]

I don’t think any of us could improve on @soupdragon’s excellent reply. Sorry for your sad loss.

[sunflowerfield]

If you never met this Aunty, why is she emailing you in the first place, instead of your mil, complaining about her behaviour?

[sonjadog]

It sounds more like to me that she thinks MiL is ignoring your feelings by taking the ashes back to the other country, and her email is meant in a supportive way. I would write back and tell her that was your decision and what your husband wanted.

[SuchAToDo]

Ignore her, he was your husband and mil son, and between you both you have done what you would be honouring husbands wishes to have his ashes in his own country...not for yourself or mil, but because it's what you both think husband would have wanted...

So please be at peace with that....and ignore the aunt (it is really none of her business )..if you or mil don't feel up to dealing with her, is there a family member or friend who you can tell them a few points of what to say and they can pass it on (along with saying the matter is now closed and no longer open for discussion of she contacts you or mil again)...

I'm so sorry for your loss please don't let he make you feel bad for your decision, you and mil put husband first and decided what he would like, and that is beautiful...

[SoupDragon]

Tell her she can have her ashes scattered or be buried wherever she pleases - and not to feel obliged to wait until she’s dead.

WTF? You think it is in any way acceptable to suggest she should bury or burn herself alive? Really?

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

I read this a bit differently tbh, it could be she’s trying to be supportive of you, although this was your decision it wouldn’t be unusual for you to have his ashes and bury or scatter them somewhere meaningful to you both. If she wasn’t fully aware this was your choice she may think MIL has taken over. just write back and explain.

This is a very good point. Emails are the worst for conveying a tone that wasn't there in the mind of the writer.

Soupdragon's wording would still work as it's polite and neutral. If she did mean to be kind it would be awful to throw it in her face.