To feel sad about 2 year HV assessment and ask for hand hold

[NaviSprite]

I have twins who will be turning 2 very soon. They were both premature and both very low birthweight so are behind developmentally. I am doing my best to try and help them catch up. But I don’t want to become so obsessed with it that I’m pressuring them too much and missing out on just having fun with them, so I’ve balanced as best I can between education (as much as one can educate a toddler any way 😊) and fun play, most importantly I’m following their signals on when they’re ready to try something and when they’re not. I push when I know they can do something but are choosing to be cheeky (DD for example has some basic words and knows ‘drink’ but will still resort to point and grunt when she wants a drink, so I will encourage her to ask with her words before giving it, if that makes sense?).

We got their 2 year assessment questionnaires through the post yesterday and I’ve looked through them... they are a no on almost all of the gross motor skills, some of the fine motor skills and DS is really behind on his language development.

All of this the HV knows as she’s been involved from rather early on in their lives and is a mum to twins herself. Hers are all grown up now but she sympathises because not only do my DD and DS have the prematurity aspect to their delay, but they have twin delay also.

I know the assessment isn’t cut and dry and keep reminding myself that I know they’re progressing, but it’s in small increments which me and DH notice because we’re with them every day, but they’re not the ‘leaps’ forward that a lot of Health Professionals want to see.

Just feeling a bit disheartened and I don’t have any other mums IRL (except my own and she barely remembers the toddler years) to talk to about the assessment.

Anybody have it where their DC didn’t ‘pass’ but went on to develop well, it just took a bit of extra time? As a mum of preemies I’m usually good at blocking out the milestones and reassuring myself that we’re on track, that my twins will get there eventually, but some days I look around at their peers and wonder if they’ll ever get there well enough that it won’t hinder their chances when they get to school of having a normal sort of life.

Sorry it’s a bit long, thank you to anybody reading my ramble and if anybody has any advice or encouragement please share (even if it’s just to say ‘FGS Navi stop being a twat they’ll get there in the end’ 😂)

[SinkGirl]

I’m so glad you’ve contacted Portage - they have been invaluable to us. If we hadn’t started with them when we did I think we might still be sat here having no clue what to do to help them.

This really jumped out at me
But if I do it at the wrong time for them, or they’re just not interested in focused ‘play’ I run out of ways to keep their attention.

This was very like us. DT2 in particular lost any interest in play. He has been sitting playing with complicated shape sorters one day and then the next wouldn’t touch a toy. He would just run up and down the room and spin all day long. DT1 was much more subtle and he would still play with toys but gradually retreated until he wouldn’t acknowledge anyone.

Our first task with portage was trying to get DT2 to post a ball into a big tube. Took us three weeks to get him doing it. This week he’s been sitting and engaging with the same toy for long periods, bringing toys over to ask me to play with him, bringing me his favourite book and touching my mouth to get me to read it - small steps but huge for him.

Once I contacted portage they came out to do a home assessment within a week or two. They spent ages with us talking everything through. They did a thorough EYFS assessment, the written report of which helped us to get DLA. We did have to wait a few months for visits to start but they gave us some ideas of things to try in the meantime. They are really fantastic and will help you to access the other support you need - we’d started for DT2 when we realised DT1 was also struggling and they got us quick referrals in place. I can’t praise them enough and I’m sure they’ll be able to help.

Hang in there. It’s so tough having twins this age as it is. The not knowing what was wrong, if anything was wrong, what to do about it etc absolutely broke me at the time - now I’m on the other side of that stage I can tell you that you’re doing all the right things.

If you can stretch to the More Than Words book please do - I found it was cheapest from Winslow Resources but you may be able to find a second hand copy if you search. It’s helped me so much I’ve recommended it to other twin parents who are speech delayed but not autistic and they’ve found it so useful too.

It’s a great sign that they interact with each other and I’m sure nursery would help them too, so i would definitely look into that.

[NaviSprite]

Just thought I'd update following the HV's assessment, in case anybody is bothered (I feel weird updating after a while because I feel it's arrogant to assume anybody wants to know! )

As expected both are behind on gross motor skills but they have made sufficient improvement since their 1 year assessment that the HV and Hospital Paediatrician are comfortable giving them a bit longer to start walking and then retaking the gross motor skills section of the assessment in December (when their next Hospital appointment is due).

DD is slightly behind on language and DS is very behind, HV was going to ask me to wait for this area to develop too but I insisted that we at least get a SALT consultation in the meantime, just awaiting their appointment as the SALT centre in our area is apparently a very busy one!

I'm not feeling as disheartened after reading the experiences of everybody on this thread, some really good advice as well as heartening stories.

What I am absolutely amazed at and extremely proud of my twins for, is that they are considered to be in the advanced category for problem solving skills and fine motor skills! I'm sure this will read as a brag and I'm sorry if it does, but I am so over the moon for them as I was expecting to be behind in ALL areas .

We're awaiting a visit from the local portage (two weeks today) to gauge their opinion on how to proceed on all fronts, but I just wanted to come back and thank you all for getting me through my worries.

[HuloBeraal]

Well done to your twins (I am the mum from above with a 26 weeker). And fingers crossed that the SALT comes through soon.

[BillHadersNewWife]

Great news about their problem solving skills OP! I just wanted to say, my nephew was behind in literally everything. His speech took the longest to "come in" and by 5 he was still behind his peers.

He's 28 now and manages a large theatre. He just gradually caught up...by age 8 or so, he was the same as his peers in everything and ahead in sports.

[HomeEdRocks18]

My son was premature, traumatic birth at 32 weeks. He weighed 4lb half an ounce.
He's now 16, 6ft tall and has caught up with his peers.
Those assessments are a load of crap. They are based on an 'average two year old child'. We all know that there is no such thing as all children are different.
My son had speech and language troubles when he was three so saw a therapist. He still mumbles now, but we can understand him. He's very bright and gained two grade 4 gcse's in maths and English (grade C's).