To cut In laws completely out of our and our childrens lives forever..?
BarbieLovesKen · 24/07/2007 21:21
Can anyone tell me what to do? I am literally at the end of my tether. Eyes are stinging from crying, barely slept again because of OHs parents.
I hate them! I really, really cannot stand them. Im not going to get into the whole long drawn out story because we'll be here all night but basically they have been awful to me since the day they met me, it began with his sister and his brothers girlfriend being bitches to me...
Then the mother and father started. We have arguements regulary. We pretend to pass them off, if they decide to visit. We both always feel awkard around them. I feel actual contempt when I see his stupid bitch of a mother. They completely ignore our little girl - I mean, we live 15 minutes away and they will visit approx once every 2 - 3 months (and pretend to be all over her). They dont ring and ask if shes ok, even when they know shes sick. OHs brother is her godfather - he hasnt seen or asked for her since Christmas, text, call, nothing. Its not because they are not baby people - they ADORE their other grandchild (2 months older than dd)
Anyway, another arguement last night about the stupidist thing in the world. OH has had enough and ended up screaming on the phone to his mother telling her "thats it, fck off, dont ever come near me or any of my children again, I cant take anymore from you" He said hes finished with them(they have always treated him differently - probably because he is* different from his 4 other siblings)
Thing is, our wedding is arranged for next year. What do I do? - I told OH last night that he was just angry, doesnt mean it, will feel differently when he sleeps on it etc... but he woke up saying all he feels is relief to get rid of them. Its an awful situation - I dont want him to loose his family basically, IMO because of me, because they never liked me (he said it stems further and would have happened anyway - not the most close knit family in the world) do I encourage him to make it up? or leave it as it is? -
I dont want to make this about me because I have my own family and it would be completely be unfair to him but I just wish they would go away. I would be happy if I never, ever seen any of them again, they have added so much pressure to our relationship over the past few years - so many arguements. He says he doesnt care, just wants rid but (and I know im being selfish) I dont want him to turn around in a few years and say I made him loose his family (I would never give him an ultimation) or what if something, God forbid, happened to one of them? what about our wedding next year? it would be so awful for him if they dont go(or we dont invite them) (he says he doesnt want them there - but thats now) thing is, I know we would be soooooooooooo much happier with them out of our lives, things would be so much easier. He thinks this too. But I want to right by Oh. I really cant stand them.
So sorry for the length of this post. If anyone is still awake now, im sorry for rambling on. Thank you for reading, I just needed to write it down. x
silkcushion · 24/07/2007 21:26
Always a difficult one Barbie.
I'd say stand by him and let him make his own decision. I think you are right not to insist he loses contact in case he changes his mind in a few years and blames you.
Keep your distance from them for a while. Let him make all the moves (they are his parents after all) and just focus on you, him and your little girl.
From what you say your family is much nicer so your daughter won't miss out on loving relatives.
Jojay · 24/07/2007 21:26
Oh Barbie, you poor thing, it sounds hidoeus.
I would say to DH that it is his decision, it is his family, and you will stand by him whatever he decides.
Thgere's tension of a different nature in my DH's family, and I just try and stay out of it - hard I know.
It does sound like they are not contributing anything positive to the relationship, but it's a big step to cut off part of your family.
I really think it has to be your DH's decision.
Feeling for you
whiskersonkittens · 24/07/2007 21:28
If your OH has got this far and is now relieved then let it all cool down and cut all ties for now. Things will change and eventualy they may have a relationship but you as a family are better of alone ofr now.
My brother effectively did this to my mother (lots of history) and now he has married agin she has leanr what he will not accept and behaves appropriately.
Your weding can and should be your day wihtout either of you worrying about your ILs - have a ball and enjoy it and let them come back in time if they want to. If they do not it is there loss
SugaryBits · 24/07/2007 21:30
I would allow your Dh time to cool down and decide how he feels about his parents.
I have been in a similar situation and have decided to cut them out of my life. I do not speak to them at all. I do not attend family functions and they do not come to our house, or if they do, I go out. It is upto Dh to take the children to see them. Dh regularky has big arguments and says he will never see them again, but it always blows over. It can be difficult sometimes but I prefer this to constant bitterness.
Good Luck with your situation.
Chirpygirl · 24/07/2007 21:32
I agree with the others, he has made the decision based on his entire life with them, if he changes his mind in the future then be there, but let him make the choice now.
With regards to your wedding, I cut my father out of my life some years ago (some of my other siblings still see him all the time) and didn't invite him to my wedding, and I am still glad he wasn't there 3 years later, so it is not always a bad thing.
Leati · 24/07/2007 21:36
It sounds like this is really causing you emotional distress. Here is the thing with in-laws, they can be the biggest pain in the ass, and they are part of the package. Why they think it is okay to ignore one grandchild, while adoring others I will never understand. I imagine this is the most painful part for you.
If this is how they really treat your children then you are right to protect them. You do not want your children feeling, as if they are insuperior or are lacking.
BarbieLovesKen · 24/07/2007 21:41
Thank you all so so much for taking the time to reply - I know it was long winded and I really appreciate it.
The problem is (I know I sound like an awful person for this) but I dont want them to make it up - well, if it affects him, of course I do but if not, I just want them gone... I would never say this to him but - I love him to bits, he is a fabulous father and is brilliant to me BUT (obviously except for dd) if I knew then what I know now, I would not have began my relationship with him. I love him so much but thats how much I cant stomach his family. If I didnt have his little girl, I really thing I would have left him by now and not because of anything to do with him - completely because of them.
But im trying my best to think of him and I know you are all so right when you say that it needs to be his decision. Its perfect sense.
My biggest worry is the arguments they cause in this house. We obviously have our little ups and downs (me and OH) but everyone does, the arguments his family cause here are horrendous - which affects dd - because I cry and dh gets really angry. Last night broke my heart - I was crying (but trying to hide it from dd), OH was screaming on the phone (he went into room and closed door to hide it from dd but could still hear) this affects her - she found it hard to settle to sleep last night which is really unusual for her. She was crying. I felt awful - We always swore we wouldnt have this around our children - if we need to argue, we go into another room and speak about it, we dont shout. Those f*ckers bring this out. We dont want this for her. I came from an abusive home and OHs father was one who just screamed and shouted at his children.
BarbieLovesKen · 24/07/2007 21:44
"You do not want your children feeling, as if they are insuperior or are lacking."
This is exactly the biggest problem - im a big girl, Oh is a big boy, we can take care of ourselves but she will notice when shes older and I never want anyone, dont care who the feck they are make my child feel like that. They should feel lucky to be able to breathe the same air as her.
notdoneyet · 24/07/2007 22:20
Other than the name being different, you would think i wrote this, my dp's parents and brother are the same. I really feel for you. It makes our lives hell, my mil wont ring unless she wants something,
Very long story sort of cut very short, they made my dp sleep in the caravan in their drive way, because he was taking up the bedroom that my fil wanted as a study, they would not allow dp to use hot water to wash, and used to make a shower outside using the garden hose in the garage. I met my dp because he was sleeping on the floor of a mutual friend. We got together and the following weekend he moved into my mums with me. (we have been together now for 11 yrs). Thats only half of it.
It is totally upto you dp to cut them out of his life. You dont have to have any contact with them if he decides that he wants them in his life.
I wont go near my in-laws, if dp decides to visit he takes his mobile so that i dont have to ring the house should i need him to come home for any reason. my dp visits possibly once a month. my children dont go up there, they totally ignore our 1st dd, our 2nd dd is the PRINCESS as far as they are concerned and our ds is treated well, they havent really seen our dd4 (she was in the car seat) when dp stopped outside to drop off birthday cards. it annoys me that she can treat one child so differently even when all 3 are there.
This was supposed to be a quick message, I dont think you are being unreasonable.
HonoriaGlossop · 24/07/2007 22:27
It sounds like the best thing all round. If it were me though I would sit my DH down and spell out to him that yes, I don't like them but I am perfectly happy to be in touch with them for your sake; I am not asking you to choose and I would not put you in that position.
Then at least if he should ever feel differently, he could never say that you forced him into this position.
i think it's good to say things so there's no misunderstanding.
Having said that though, he sounds as if he is very happy with it so why not just cut them out if it makes everyone happier. I am always keen that grown ups at least get along enough to enable children to know all sides of their family, because it's important for their sense of identity; however it doesn't sound as if they were much in your dd's life, anyway.
And take this opportunity to enjoy the fact they won't be at your wedding; maybe take the opportunity to think outside the box a bit and make it a really 'different' wedding because it won't have the usual mix of families. Go for it. the guests will thank their lucky stars that it's not another 'groundhog day' wedding with everything exactly the same as everyone elses!
Best wishes to you all x
BarbieLovesKen · 24/07/2007 22:30
oh notdoneyet, Im so sorry your in this situation - it really is awful. I cannot believe they treated their own son like that!! My God! - being a mother myself, I dont care WHAT my little girl does in life, she will always be my little girl and if we were to fall out I would beg her to come home. Oh's mother was not fit to be one imo, well not to him anyway - she seems to adore the others - I dont know what it was with him - do your inlaws have any other children or just your dh? is it a black sheep thing? wtf?! I cant get my head around this at all.. how any parent could do this. I thought we were here to do everything possible to help our children out - not to make life harder.
HonoriaGlossop · 24/07/2007 23:03
Glad you like that thought, barbie; i just think it could be lovely; a real family day that doesn't include all the worrying about keeping both sides happy, helping them mix etc etc etc. I think your wedding will be special and intimate. Don't forget to post on here with details, please
notdoneyet · 24/07/2007 23:07
blk, dp has a younger brother, who is spoilt rotten, (dp is 11yrs older that his brother) so they sort of used him as a babysitter.
I cant understand how any mother could treat any child the way that they have treated my dp, i know that in my mil's defence she lost three daughter they were all still-born, so perhaps they were frightened when dp was born that he wouldnt survive, and never really bonded (although you would then think it would have the opposite effect and smother him??)
The worst thing is that if she was to phone tomorrow and ask him to paint a ceiling or whatever, he would go there no question about it, but his brother would just say 'no'. and thats what sort of causes arguments between us (me and dp) i dont mind him doing things to help his parents but its the way they ask, 'can you do this today?' if he were to say i couldnt do it today for any reason, she goes mad, doesnt see why he cant drop everything to help. its the only time that they phone, and then mil never asks how the children are.
Sorry rant over.
MrsMarvel · 24/07/2007 23:15
Have you thought of moving house? Perhaps a bit of distance would help.
Also, keep control of when they see you. Make dates yourselves, and dictate to them when you see each other.
It may be sensible to keep contact in the long term, because of the grandparent thing.
Family relationships really change when you have your own children, so bear this in mind. Ultimately though, it's up your dp - it's his family.
BarbieLovesKen · 24/07/2007 23:16
isnt that just disgusting! talk about completely using him - how can a married man with 4 children drop everything at her beck and call - she sounds so unreasonable.
How long is it since you have completely cut them off from yourself? they still obviously cause arguments between you and dh - thats what im worrying about - because they are family can we ever really and truely get rid of them - I feel that as long as we are together they are always going to be in the background and im just going to have to deal with it. im sorry if im asking too many personal questions, its just it is nice to have someone who understands.
HonoriaGlossop - I promise I will!! its not until August next year so im reeeaaally thinking ahead!!
notdoneyet · 25/07/2007 00:24
I havent spoken to them properly for nearly 3 yrs, but my fil had a stroke 2 years ago and i was the taxi so to speak, my dp was working, I was off work on long term sickness, i didnt mind running her to the hospital (she doesn't drive) because otherwise my dp would not have gone to work, dp's brother or his partner would not help, so it was sort of left to us, [and before i could drive my dp used to run my dad to and from work when my mum wasnt able to drive (my mum pulled her back and was in bed for 3 weeks).]
If i am unfortunate enough to answer the phone when (haha) she rings i just say politly "I'll get him now" and put the phone on the side. its sad how it has come to this, although she tends to phone around 9/10pm so the kids never are around to answer the phone, she promises them they will visit (which makes me really because they get their hopes up)
We argue because he will run at her beck and call rather than asking if they could arrange a date that he is able to do things, like i said i dont mind him helping them, its the short notice i hate.
1dilemma · 25/07/2007 00:32
Don't know what to say sorry. In-laws my MIL can't even bring herself to speak to me, prob a good thing since she is so rude. Perhaps just try and be supportive so that he can work this out for himself, sort of stand by but not offer opinion especially if it is to say 'yeah you're right they're nasty' kind of stuff (not wishing to imply thats what you are saying obv.) but just point out it would be good for dd to have a 'normal' relationship with her GP etc etc.
pagwatch · 25/07/2007 08:45
My DH finally broke all contact with his parents five years ago - just before my DD was born. Oldest DS was actually pleased and DS 2 didn't really know them anyway ( they were not at all happy having a grandson who was 'special !!) .
Anyway - its a long story as all of these are but I have to say we are all SOOOO much happier. I discuss it with DH occasionally to reassure him that it is always his choice and i will support him but he is just so unburdened ( if that is even a word) now that they are not around. We both talk to DS 1 and also make sure he truly understands that we would do everything to faciliate contact if he wanted and that we would be happy for him if he had a relationship withthem - but he truly doesn't. DD knows about granny and grandpa but simply knows that we don;t see them. As it is such an adult issue I am waiting to talk about it gradually as she shows interest and/or is old enough to understand.
I lost my dad when all this happened so I know how final these decisions can be. Buttheir effect in our life was totally toxic and whilst it was not actually my decision to make I am privately relieved not to have to spend time rebuilding my DH and DD after their loving visits!
Some people should just never have kids
alicet · 25/07/2007 12:53
Can only add to what others have said and say how truely sorry I am for you that you are living in such a nightmare. My pil's are not perfect but hearing something like this really makes me thank my lucky stars!
I would agree too with the other posters who have said that it would be worth saying to your dh that you will support him whatever he chooses, whether that is to have his family in your lives or not. And that this will not change over time - if in a few years he wants to make contact you will support him in that.
As far as to the effect they have on your children in a way thats another matter. If they are upsetting them then thats another discussion to have with your dh as clearly your childrens feelings come first in all this.
I think it sounds like you have hought of all this yourself and that ou are handling it all very well. You are most certainly NOT unreasonable.
Twinkie1 · 25/07/2007 13:09
You know what sometimes its a relief to finally make the decision not to have anything to do with people be it friends or family who make you feel sht and make thnigs difficult for you.
I haven;thad anything to do with my family - well fatehr and stepmonster since they stood for XH in custody case for DD and nothing to do with sister since she threw a hissy fit about me benig pregnant and to be honest I have time and energy to devote to the people and things I love and not have to worry about offending them or getting cross that they have no regard for me or mine - if they loved me they wouldn;t behave like that but I just felt drained by them and their needs and expectations - life is so much happier and stress free now.
Sometimes taking that step is not a bad thing. Well at least it hasn't been for me.
Oh and about the wedding Father came to first one and had to make all sorts of allowances and invite all sorts of people on his behalf and was a hugely stressful event - only the people we wanted there came to my wedding to DH (anorak too!) and it was a lovely relaxed occassion about us and the people we love and who love us enough just to be nice and let us be ourselves and actually show they give a shite. If you know what I mean.
I do wonder how I would feel if they dropped dead tomorrow though - I think I would mourn father in a way but would be more sad that Stepmonsters death was not more painful and drawn out! But I don't think I would feel guilty in any way - they are adults who make a decision to behave in a certain way and you are adults who make decisions accordingly - if they behave so appallingly they have to accept there could be consequences.
Sorry bit of a complicated waffle but I hope it helps.
NAB3 · 25/07/2007 13:21
His family, his decision. Support him whichever way he chooses and then if he wants them back in your lives you all need to sit down and talk about how things can change.
My children only have half a family through no fault of theirs or mine and they will be fine.
Do what you have to do but you and your child come before his parents now you are a family together.
NappyValley · 25/07/2007 14:07
Twinkie has got a good point about weddings. it is YOUR day and you should invite the people that you want. I know that sounds tough, but it is a celebration and anyone that cannot take a step back and realise that should not be there.
I hear your anxiety about the effect of the arguments on your DD. sounds like you have had first hand of the effects and I am sure it is very painful and may be bringing up memories too. Your DD is precious and lucky that she obviously has 2 very loving parents.
You sound like someone who although this is a very emotional issue, is looking at it very objectively and maturely being aware of the feelings of all involved. I think you should trust your instincts and put the needs of your family unit first.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this very diffcult situation.
BarbieLovesKen · 26/07/2007 20:28
that is so true - thank you all so much for your help and advice!! feeling so much better now, have'nt slept well for the past few nights but im going to do exactly what most of you have said. I think I have made the unfortunate decision that I need to cut these people from my life, because if this continues for any longer, it will ruin our little family here but will definately not stand in OHs way should he decide to make ammends. As it stands though, he is still happy with his decision and is still feeling relief.
Its sad the way things have gone but most definately for the best.
Thanks so much again.
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