Another SIL one, AIBU?

[Marshmellow8]

Hey everyone newbie here, apologies for the rant but need to get this off my chest.

So DH & I had my SIL, her son, my sister & her DP over the Easter weekend. Initially it was only for one evening but SIL didn’t want to leave & stayed longer. She’s done this before on a few occasions.

As per usual she turned up empty handed. That didn’t bother me so much. What bothered me was that she invited herself to stay longer which meant I ended up cooking 3 meals a day for 3 whole days & not once did she offer to help cook/clean up or wash her dirty dishes. On two nights I tried to put her dirty mugs in the dishwasher before going to bed but she said she was still drinking the tea only for me to find the cup with the same amount of tea left in the morning but now there’s tea stains which I had to scrub to get out in the morning along with her dirty tissues/mess she left on the dining table. AIBU here?

On top of that my sister & her DP bought me my favourite chocs & some sweet treats & guess who ate most of them? I only had one piece & DH didn’t even have any, saw all the empty wrappers near SIL’s dinner plate. My sister & her DP volunteered to help me clear up & washed their own dishes a few times. They left both after one evening.

Honestly I just feel like they are not that nice towards me or DH. I mentioned this to DH but we end up arguing over it after he dropped them home, took him 4 hours in total to drop them & get home. I’m dreading the summer as she’s already invited herself to tag along with us on holiday & invited herself & her sons over for Christmas (she’s divorced) my DH didn’t say no so I didn’t feel like I could say no, what would you have done?

[magicstar1]

If I were you I’d go to my family for Christmas and leave your DH to look after his sister. Do no shopping or organising- leave it all up to him.

[ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser]

I couldn’t stay with a man who showed me so little respect!

I can’t believe he wasn’t horrified that his family didn’t even offer condolences when your Mum passed! He is allowing his family to treat you like a skivvy!

I would let him go on holiday with his sister, in fact, I would tell him you have no intention of keeping him from his sister, in fact he loves her company so much, so he should move in with her and then he can be the one to be her skivvy!

[Bringbackthestripes]

I can’t leave dirty dishes & food sitting out over night so I ended up doing it.

I normally can’t either so end up doing it. However, as DH has said he would do it then I would have stuck to my guns and left it for him to deal with in the morning, It might start making him think twice about having her over for so long. You should have brought up the fact she ate the treats that had been bought you as a gift-so rude! When she starts commenting about tagging along you should just say “not this time thanks, we are looking forward to family time” when she mentions Christmas just say you aren’t hosting this year as you have other plans. You will just have to keep shutting her down and stay firm.

[Drum2018]

my DH didn’t say no so I didn’t feel like I could say no, what would you have done

I'd have said no, that wouldn't suit. Grow a pair op and tell your Dh straight out that you are no longer going to play hostess to the bitch anymore. If she visits feel free to head off for the day, go visit your family for a few days. Dont buy in extra food, change bed clothes - leave it all to Dh. Let him cook and clean up after her. There is no way I would tolerate that in my house. Its up to you to stop pandering to her and your Dh. Tell him he can go to her house if he's so keen on spending time with her.

[pallisers]

I told him if she’s coming over for Christmas I will spend Christmas with one of my siblings instead to which he said maybe you should.

I'd leave him and his sister to be happy together tbh. He seems to prioritise her over you - no way would I tolerate that. Don't go on holiday with her. Don't host christmas. You really do have a dh problem.

And what's with the "dh said yes to the holiday so I felt I couldn't say no". Of course you can. It is your holiday too. Tell dh you aren't going if she is and you don't consider skivying after him AND his sister to be much of a holiday. Seriously she is the least of your worries - your dh is a bigger issue

[Absofuckinglutely]

Your problem is your DH.

[user1471590586]

Sounds like you have a husband problem if he is putting his sister before you. Does he realise that if you go to one of your siblings houses that you won't be cooking Xmas dinner for him? I assume you haven't got children that he will expect to stay with him? I'd tell him that if his sister wants to go on holiday with him that you are not going.

[KC225]

It all does sound very unfair. So we now know your DH's promise of 'I'll do it' means he is in no hurry will leave it whereas you won't leave things and will swoop in and do it.

I still think holidays are too stressful to have these sorts of guests. If you DH wants to book a cottage away for them or go and stay with her for a few days etc. Offer to host them - one day but bank on two. The extra night your DH can buy a takeaway or take them out for breakfast.

Please correct me if I am wrong, her grown up sons choose to live near their Father but she invites them to yours for Christmas so you do and pay for everything? I would say 'NO' you are entitled to an enjoyable Christmas. Stick to your guns. Offer a New Years day buffet or suggest its her turn to host and say you'll bring dessert and some crackers as a goodwill gesture.

[KittyInTheCradle]

She is a CF, so is DH.

Him making a big deal about being able to invite family over is basically saying 'not only should you cook and clean for me, but for my family aswell'.

19+ year olds are now grown men. They should help with cooking and cleaning too!!

Most of all this wouldn't be an issue if you had back up so DH is being UNREASONABLE.

[Grainedmonkey]

I would definitely say no to her tagging along on holiday. It would spoil it for you and defeat the point of having a holiday. What's annoying is DH not backing you up!

[InceyWinceyette]

Your DH can’t have it both ways.

Of course he should be able to invite his family to his home, and of course he feels protective to his Dsis. But tell him you can’t support him in this if you end up doing all the heavy lifting.

Tell him it isn’t personal, you have nothing against his Dsis, just that if you spend the bank holiday cooking cleaning and catering for her and her adult sons, when do you get your holiday?

It is unreasonable to expect to include her in a family holiday, but reasonable to have a family Christmas. Just be clear: these are the meals you will shop and cater for, these are the meals that you will not. And stick to it. A firm but polite “not sure what is for lunch and dinner, not my shift today, who’s cooking?”

[Singlenotsingle]

Holidays? "Sorry, we've already made our arrangements" (even if it's a white lie). Christmas? "It's your turn to host this year, SIL. Which day would you like us to arrive? We'll be with you for 3 days so make sure you get enough food in!"

[Orangeballon]

You are being used as a door mat. Say no!

[InadvertentlyBrilliant]

Just seen your update OP. I'm so sorry for you loss and cannot understand why neither of them said anything to you about your loss. That is not normal behaviour. It can take a long time to come to terms with the loss of a parent.

I'm sorry Marshmellow but your husband sounds awful. He needs to be told it isn't his house, it is your home too. Do you just invite people to visit without consulting him?

SIL's youngest son is 19? Bloody hell, I thought you were talking about kids.

How do you feel about your husband in general? Is he generally dismissive of your feelings or is he just angry about this and will calm down and you'll be able to talk properly later?

I think if I didn't have great support from my partner when I lost my mum then I'd kick him out of my life. How a partner behaves when you really need emotional support is very telling.

Have you got anyone/anywhere you could visit for a few days to be able to work out what you want from life? It might do you and your partner some good to spend some time apart.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I think its more your husband that's being unreasonable, sorry. There is a massive gap between spending xmas and holidays with his sister and you stopping him seeing her and not liking her! So it's very unfair that he wont see your point of view, and accuses you of things that aren't true and wont compromise at all.

I'd ask him what hes planning to do to make sure that he spends time with his sister and still has time alone with his family on holiday? What's he planning to do to make sure it isn't loads more work for you?

I think I'd invite her down for one night and make it clear you have something else on after so she has to go back. Get a takeaway and get your husband to cook other meals. If he really wants her on holiday see if you can reach a compromise such as spending a long weekend with her and a week just your family. Encourage him to go and visit her alone or with your kids. Visit at her house for a change and dont lift a finger to help - at least you might get a rest

Is he from a culture where the eldest son is supposed to look after the rest of the family?

[InadvertentlyBrilliant]

There's no way I would let her tag along on my holiday or just invite herself for Christmas at mine. I would have just told her that the holiday is time out from everything for me and DH and, when she mentioned Christmas I would have just laughed and said "you cheeky devil. We're the ones in charge of invites to ours and we haven't made our Christmas plans yet".

You say your husband didn't say no so you didn't feel you could but did either of you actually say yes?

You really need assertive classes to teach you how to say no. When you and your DH argued what were his views on it?

[Marshmellow8]

Thanks for all your replies.

I have asked SIL to help wash up before but she only did it the once & ended up breaking a wine glass & making such a mess. When I asked her again DH told her not to worry about it & that he would do it but he just left them & went to bed, I can’t leave dirty dishes & food sitting out over night so I ended up doing it.

Spoke to DH about it this morning & as predicted it turned into a full blown argument where he said I was being unreasonable & accused me of alienating him from seeing his family & not liking his family. I told him how I can like them when they’re not that nice to me. I lost my mum last year & neither of them said anything even when she said her other sons were disappointed they weren’t invited over for Christmas & I said I was still grieving to which she said oh yeah & then changed the subject.

Anyways back to DH, he said that I didn’t have to do everything to which I said if I don’t who will cos you never help. I suggested for him to go over to her place for Christmas & go on holiday with her himself and he said he won’t do that cos he should be able to invite his family to our house. I told him if she’s coming over for Christmas I will spend Christmas with one of my siblings instead to which he said maybe you should.

Honestly I have tried my best to be kind to her, I feel bad that she’s divorced, her youngest son is 19. All of them chose to live her their dad so she is clearly lonely.

I will just have to grow a pair & stop being so hospitable.

[KC225]

She is rude and entitled. Who turns up without anything? A bottle of wine, or snacks or flowers. Even a single parent can afford a box of chocolates if she is having all meals cooked and paid for during her stay.

Her behaviour leaves a lot to be desired, I wouldn't accept dirty tissues and half filled coffee cups left on the table my 12 olds certainly from a grown up guest. Why didn't you say something - silent seething doesn't work with these people. You have to call the out on it. Give her a task. Your turn to empty the dishwasher. Your turn to cook a meal etc. People like your SIL never volunteer. And don't put your nice chocolates out when she is around.

You have to cancel her coming in your holiday. It won't be a holiday for you. If your DH chooses her over you then refuse to go - visit a friend or relative or go on a nice trip and let your DH run around after and paying for her. Same for Christmas. It'll be a great Christmas/New Year (because she will probably stay) for her but twice the work, stress and expense for you. Again if your DH insists - why don't you go and stay with her then.

[ukgift2016]

Why isn't your husband helping?

[managedmis]

There is no fucking tagging.


No way.

[managedmis]

She's taking the piss.

And she'll only stop if you say 'no'.

So grow a pair and do so!

I am so sick of people half assing it on here - whingeing about feckin in-laws showing up etc ad nauseum, eating and drinking etc but all you do is pine on here and don't speak up!


Say no!

[CareBear50]

@tweety

Are you the SIL??

[Klopptimist]

WTF Tweety?

Does OP really have to bend over backwards accommodating this CF because she's a lone parent? It's not a free pass you know! Does having a child in tow absolve you from lifting a finger when someone has been kind enough to put you up at a moment's notice?

[ReanimatedSGB]

She might well want somewhere to 'relax for a few days' but why is this OP's responsibility to provide free of charge>