To want to celebrate retirement but feel I can't as DB gets jealous and Moody.

[Pugwash1]

DH and I retire at the weekend. Not peacocking but also don't want people to have to read a drip feed so will give some background. DB went to super posh public school, I went to local comp. DB and SIL have made some lifestyle choices that we haven't and have ended up in significant debt on several occasions either DH or parents have either paid off or heavily funded. DB can get very jealous or moody and always makes comparisons between ours and others lifestyles compared to his. As a family we try to limit things that could contribute to this as much as possible.

So we retire this week. We have a boat, are renting our house out and sailing around the world although while we are still lucky enough to have DM will stay withing a 4 hour flight range and have made plans for her to come out to us, me to come home regularly and will be able to come home within 12 hours to her if needed. We are a very close and loving family but we always feel as though we are walking on egg shells to protect my brother's feelings (he's in his 50's, we are mid 40's).

We want to celebrate our retirement but instead are just pretending it isn't happening when he's around as he makes such snarky comments. We use Facebook, not for preening, just photo sharing and catching up with pals. I am so excited but this just feels like a grey cloud hanging over us. We aren't having a retirement party due to this and am wondering about a different Facebook page he won't know about where we can share our adventures while sparing his feelings.

Any advice? I know in my heart we shouldn't be pussyfooting around a grown man but I really don't want to potentially 'rub his nose in it'. On a side note there was no inheritance, lottery win etc that we have had that he hasn't. It's just been hard work, sensible decisions and sacrifices that have made this possible.

AIBU to want to celebrate, and if so how do we do it?! My only plan is a private FB page but don't even known if this is possible or sensible given my DM or someone will inevitably end up saying something and potentially making it even worse. First world problems. I know.

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

If you don't like to say the R word, call it a career break. Then an extended career break...

I'm another who thinks your brother should be ignored and you should do whatever is right for you. It sounds like a year of no-contact must have been a welcome break. He's probably pissed off that firstly you've been able to bail him out previously and secondly that you won't be doing it again now you're on a 'career break'.

[Fiveredbricks]

The reason he is like this is because all of you have pussy footed around him for his whole life. Get a grip and live your bloody life.

[Ninkaninus]

You’re seriously doing him no favours babying him like that.

What s ridiculous dynamic, a load of adults creeping around a grown-up so he doesn’t get moody and jealous.

Just have the party like you were planning to, and go about your retired life with pride and joy and stop pandering to your brother’s spoilt behaviour.

[Fiveredbricks]

Also, retiring in your 40's? Did you win the lottery or are you billionaires? A few million wont keep you going for 50yrs with inflation.

[Ninkaninus]

And your parents need to stop it too. They’re the ones who’ve enabled him in this for probably his whole life, and have expected you to do the same.

[whyohwhyowhydididoit]

Sadly when it comes to sibling relationships a lot of us never properly grow up. We react to one another exactly as we did when we were children and living at home together. So sibling rivalry and competition can be as strong and unreasonable at age 50 as it was at age 10 and that certainly sounds like it is the case here.

It sound as if whatever you do your brother will find fault OP so make the decisions that will bring you and your DH the most pleasure and try to rise above his reaction. Don’t let his possible reactions influence your choices or spoil your well earned retirement.

[Ninkaninus]

Wow just read your comment about the rant and NC. WTF?? Why are you pandering to this? Seriously, he needs to be told to get a grip. And if he really can’t (or most likely won’t), then you really need to get yourself a grip and stop colluding with your parents and him in this really unhealthy dynamic.

[museumum]

I’d do a separate fb or blog anyway. I’m sure people will love to follow your adventures but maybe not have it always popping up in their feed all the time. Friends of mine who’ve had grown up gap years etc have done similar.

[eddielizzard]

You've been conditioned to enable him and put him first. Not have a party to spare his feelings?! How insane is that! Any truly loving family wouldn't be in that position. So let's rather say that you have a close and loving family as long as you spend huge amounts paying off his debts and constantly walking on eggshells so as not to set your DB off. That isn't actually a close and loving family, that's an illusion.

So you need to come to terms with the illusion and then feel confident and strong enough to stop painting it, and start enjoying your life.

[Pugwash1]

For those asking about finances happy for you to PM me for specifics if you are interested. But rest assured we have taken a lot of independent financial advice from multiple professionals! No way would we undertake this without having done so first!

[BlueSkiesLies]

I think it’s quite typical to have a going away / new adventures / retirement party when you jack in work and go off sailing around the world.

As your friends I’d want to come to such an event.

Just have a friends party don’t invite your bro.

FB - either remove him or ignore him. Don’t do a new profile.

PMSL at all the ‘how will you fill your life with meaning’ posts. A fuck ton of people posting on here don’t exactly have much meaning to their lives beyond going to work to pay the bills and keep their children alive. I’m sure the Op will cope 😂

[CoraPirbright]

So he has benefitted to the tune of thousands of pounds of your parents money for his education whilst yours was free....then you all continue to bail him out into his 50’s??

Let me guess - there is no repayment plan for you and your dh?!

Your brother sounds utterly awful and I would stop pussy footing around him.

[Easterbunnynearlyhere]

In your travels reel in a big fish, when you next see your db give his face a big slap with it. What a big bloody bratty baby he is!!

[Dippypippy1980]

It’s hard for many of us to get in ur heads around being able to retire so young, but well done. I know one or two who have done it - sold businesses etc. It’s amazing.

Most people would be jealous - I certainly am😊. But we are mature enough to be pleased for the person who has had this great opportunity.

Enjoy it, celebrate it and certainly don’t hide or dimish it.

It’s time your brother grew up.

[WitsEnding]

Please don't let him cast a shadow on your life. I retired in my late 50s and in your circumstances I would definitely have had a party. If you don't want to call it a retirement party then a going-away party as you'll miss some regular occasions, summer BBQs etc.

Totally agree with all the posters who think the DB should be told to grow the fuck up and keep his unwanted opinions to himself. Public schooling seems to have been ineffective in teaching that very basic courtesy.

[LoubyLou1234]

Have a gathering if you want one to say goodbye to people while you are off in your travels. It doesn't have to be a retirement party so to speak.

I wouldnt restrict your brother on social media. If he doesn't like it he could mute your posts/notifications. He is an adult and it's not your fault you made better choices in life.

It's amazing you can retire like this and enjoy life so good luck to you. Life is too short and we should be enjoying what we have if others don't like it that is their issue.

[MirandaGoshawk]

Congratulations! Sounds fantastic. Do you need a cook? ;)
Don't have a separate FB page - or at least, if yiu have one just for the trip then don't keep it a secret. Your DB will just have to deal with it. He doesn't have to read your stuff if he doesn't agree with what you're doing - that's what normal do, ignore it. Also, yy tp s going away party. You should be able to feel excited without feeling guilty. Once you're away you can put him behind you. Bon voyage!

[Pugwash1]

@BlueSkiesLies you are right!
I think people think sailing is all the lovely Pinterest posts of some glamour puss wearing a bikini on the bow looking over their shoulder lovingly at whoever is taking the photo.
Trust me... It isn't lol! It's about spending hours doing passage planning and then double and triple checking the maths, understanding meteorology, first aid, having complete faith and trust in the person you are sailing with. It's about being absolute petrified when things go wrong despite careful planning and proud when you get through them. It's about fixing things that have broken, maintaining things that might break, planning for events that you hope never happen. Provisioning a boat for long passages at sea with 1 other person. It's about learning to cook in a space smaller than you can imagine with 2 burners and a crappy oven and sometimes no refrigeration and limited water if systems fail. Trying to stop cockroaches and rats getting onboard. It's about using wind and tide to get somewhere safely. The constant trimming of sails, plotting your course every 30 minutes and hoping to God that your nav station doesn't go down and you have to use a sextant to work out from the sky where you are. Then you have me and DH. Swearing at each other when scared or something goes wrong, him eating food you had planned for a meal in the 2 minutes you were in the loo. When im marinas the mornings are generally spent on caring for the boat. The afternoons might be the same or the terrifying prospect of going up the mast, taking a walk or relaxing. I like to read, I sew, I will study more sailing courses, we will explore, visit new countries, meet new people, DH wants to learn the guitar and we both want to learn more languages. Apart from when all is going well on long passages it's a pretty busy life!

[ElektraUnchained]

How did he manage to get offended by rain??

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I guess the contrast is between those of us lucky enough to have a job we love and those who don’t. I can see how privileged I am now not to have a job I hate.
(Pugwash, am a keen sailor and had huge sailing adventures in my 20s, I am sure that will be an enormous adventure. I guess I wouldn’t see it as retiring as such but a new adventure? )

[NotStayingIn]

Congrats on your upcoming adventure!

I agree with others, time to stop pandering to your brother. I would tell close family that I was done with his jealous ways and from now on would celebrate as appropriate without curtailing it to spare his fragile ego. I think you need to tell others so that when he kicks off, they understand what’s going on. Don’t ask them to take sides, or do the same as you, or anything like that. Just explain why you are doing it.

Personally I would call it the jacking our jobs in / the big sailing adventure goodbye party / whatever rather then a retirement party. You may want to work again in the next 25 years, who knows? Maybe in something totally different that you haven’t yet thought off. Just celebrate the great thing you’re doing now, why label it with such a definitive title?

[HerculePoirotsGreyCells]

I know a lady who is doing this (so I'm wondering if you're her!!). I would stop pussyfooting around your brother and enjoy your own life. You can exclude him from posts on FB. Its easy to change your settings. It's about time he grew up and was not being enabled so much.

[archivearmadillo]

Why don't you have a going away party?

I'm in my 40s and find the idea of retiring weird because it has implications of slippers, gardening and taking it easy because you're slowing down. The very word retiring means withdrawing from parts of life. I wouldn't assume retiring is positive at such a young age, it sounds like giving up. The only people I know who retired that young did so on health grounds and it was nothing to celebrate, it was connected to restricted ability and shorter life expectancy due to chronic illness.

However going off on a year off on a boat - way hey! It's only a year and who knows what you'll do after. It's not permanent, it's an adventure and the party isn't to float over financially not having to work but is to say goodbye for now.

Have a see you later party for your friends - why would your brother even know, he clearly isn't a friend.

[ravenmum]

Sounds like you are both spending a surprising amount of time thinking about each other.

Just set it up so he doesn't see your posts, it's no big deal. Then have dinner with family and a proper do with friends, if it's that much stress for you.

Retirement at that age and then spending all your time just with your partner, far from any regular friends, sounds dreadful to me, but each to his own!

[Pk37]

He sounds abit like my bil.
He’s 48 and dh is 38 and he’s so bitter because dh went to uni(paid for by himself ,not parents) and has a really good job .
Everything we do he’s like “nah, that’s shit. I wouldn’t do it/ like it”
Pooh Poohs our holidays as being rubbish and not his thing and can never say anything nice ..ok fair enough you don’t have to like our choices but for fucks sake just shut up and stop being so grumpy and mean spirited