When to announce pregnancy to expecting DB?

[SchoolOfLife2]

Hi all,

Hope you are having a good evening.

So I’m pregnant with second baby. First baby was the first in both sides of grandparents and received so much attention and celebrations. He is now 1.5 years and still getting a lot of attention which I’m grateful for.

My brother, whose wife has been hopeful for a baby for a very long time, as well as him, announced pregnancy 2 month ago. They were scared she can’t get pregnant for medical issues. It was very much anticipated news and everyone is so happy for them, especially me. He is really excited sending scans of his baby. He lives really far away and his baby and him won’t have a chance to meet the grandparents anytime soon and it gets to him. And he is getting positive attention which he never had much of before.

My brother and I were always compared as children. I was golden child and he was scapegoat.. I don’t think he fully recovered from it. I was always empathetic and tried to put myself down so he feels better but I don’t think that’s what it takes to make it better.. he has been trying to be good but in many ways I feel he doesn’t enjoy feeling “behind” me.. my father is also not sensitive to his feelings and I don’t want something like pregnancies to be coming between us or to be used to make him feel crap.

We got closer as we became teeenagers but when he met his now wife, things happened and I feel she completely behaves competitively with me. He admitted he used to not like me and told her bad stuff about me when they met. He apologized for that but I think she entertains the idea and honestly don’t think she wants him to like me. I don’t enjoy it and keep my distance from her.. but Im hopeful to be close to my brother one day and we are both making an effort.

Problem is, when he announced his pregnancy I had just found out I too am pregnant but hadn’t announced yet.. I told my mum in secret and told her not to make a fuss and told her that I don’t want to take attention away from my brother who has never received positive attention much from dad/siblings.. she agreed.

He is now close to 5 months and found out the gender of his baby and we are all happy from him and it’s all too sentimental and I’m enjoying it on his behalf. I thought I’d give it another month before I announce to my family.. I would be around 4 months or so.

AIBU? Am I overthinking this? He isn’t the type that appreciates my sacrifices I guess because he deep down doesn’t really like me but I just want to be fair on him and myself.

I also don’t want him to think I purposely hid things away from him and rest of the family. Especially that he is calling me up asking me about parenting things and it feels bad at this stage that I’m just keeping it secret.


I think I’m overthinking it, help me see sense.

[Jent13c]

Slightly different situation but my SIL announced just as we were at our lowest point, having just been told a natural pregnancy was very unlikely and deciding not to proceed with further intervention. My body physically shook with envy and I pretended to be happy then went home and cried. But then I got on with it! And got excited about the baby and love my niece so very much. At the time their little t shirts and the big announcement pissed me off but I really wasnt in a good place so everything pissed me off. I would say just tell them, literally nobody believes you planned it deliberately to steal their thunder and in 6 months they'll know anyway.


Congratulations! It will be lovely having all the little ones growing up so close in age.

[DanielRicciardosSmile]

ColdFrame it was bizarre. You could practically hear her teeth grinding every time someone spoke to me about it. Some people are just very odd.

[MRex]

I think the supportive thing to do would be to tell him now, let him know you haven't told anybody else yet. Reiterate that you're thrilled they're having a baby and hope that the cousins can all grow up to be close friends. Ask him when he'd prefer for you to announce it, as you know having a first baby is special so you don't want to take any attention away from his little one, suggest waiting a month. That would gives him and SIL time to get used to the idea and knowing they know before anybody else might help too.

[TheChiefBMS]

Jent13c

You had a very understandable emotional reaction and it sounds like you handled it sensitively. I hope things worked out for you too.

[Cranky17]

Going against the grain here but I think you should just tell him how your normally would. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

I was the scapegoat of the family and my dB told me separately that he was having a baby because he wanted to be sensitive to me because he knew I was ttc. However tbh that hurt even more, how dare there be any grain of thought that I would be anything other than happy for them. I shuddered at the thought that somewhere along the line there must have been a conversation along the lines of ‘how to tell cranky’ and potentially may me look jealous and unreasonable.

[Chloemol]

I would tell him first and now. You were not to know you would both be pregnant at the same time. Then I would still leave it a while before announcing to the rest of your family.

[supersop60]

Tell DB first. Explain that you kept it quiet due to MC concerns (as PP suggested).
Don't mention overshadowing etc because that implies that your news actually would overshadow theirs.
It may bring you closer together, it may distance you more. Hopefully, the former.
Congratulations btw!

[BeanTownNancy]

Agree with PP. There's a difference between "announcing" your pregnancy and telling someone you are pregnant. I would tell your brother first, privately, so he has time to process it and let his OH know, and then you can tell everyone else later when they've got used to the idea - at least then you can't be accused of trying to steal their thunder, though to be fair if they are going to think negatively of you, there's nothing you can do to prevent it.

[SchoolOfLife2]

He lives far away from you and it probably won't affect him as much as you think it does, he is a adult that has his own life and family now. It sounds like you are holding onto the golden child badge by over thinking the whole thing and having secret talks with your mum about him when it really isn't necessary and just continues this weird family dynamic..

Keeping it secret with your mum and making a fuss about not taking attention away from your brother achieves exactly the opposite effect, just tell him without all the poor brother is being over shadowed by me the choosen one again.

Broken, i don’t think that’s a fair assumption on your behalf. I was golden child to my father who was abusive to my brother and was the one calling the shots in the family. Which is exactly why I told mum as she knows this.. my mum absolutely favors my brother because of this so there is no dynamic I’m emphasizing here.

My brother told me that he used to be made to feel like his accomplishments meant nothing compared to mine. He told mum as well. While it was my fathers decision to favor me, I don’t think I’m being arrogant to admit that because there is nothing to say his opinion was valid... I always believed my brother was actually more capable than I am but being my dads punching bag in a sense...

So you’re just missing the point of this because ur fixated on making it about me

[SchoolOfLife2]

Thank you everyone. Some really good advice on here and experiences from both sides. I will contemplate this further and decide How to approach it.

When I say announce I literally just mean telling my siblings and dad. I might leave dad out for now.

[MBM18]

I would probably tell your brother sooner before everyone else. Then wait a few weeks to tell the rest of your family, so it doesn't look like you've just told him so you can tell everyone else if that makes sense lol.
Congratulations too

[Cranky17]

Please just tell him how you did for your first, don’t make him a special case, it will only alienate him further.

[Cranky17]

I would probably tell your brother sooner before everyone else. Then wait a few weeks to tell the rest of your family, so it doesn't look like you've just told him so you can tell everyone else if that makes sense but by doing this you are implying that he can’t handle the news, and therefore he’s inferior which just continues along the same vein. I understand you have his interest at heart but having been in his situation it makes it worse that people feel the need to treat you differently once again.

[Isadora2007]

I would actually include his baby- so if they’ve given him or her a name or a nickname you could say

Delighted to announce that baby blue boy is going to have a little cousin and playmate- we are expecting our son/daughter/jellybean in October 2019 all well.
So you are sharing the limelight and reminding your family (dad) about the other baby being important.

[TheGrey1houndSpeaks]

Your brother can’t be using the pregnancy for “positive attention”, surely to God! Just tell him, and stop thinking that your pregnancy is going to put theirs in the shade, because it won’t.
Any problem here is in your own head.

[MBM18]

That's a good point Cranky, I didn't think of it like that!
Don't take my advice OP

[SchoolOfLife2]

Delighted to announce that baby blue boy is going to have a little cousin and playmate- we are expecting our son/daughter/jellybean in October 2019 all well.
So you are sharing the limelight and reminding your family (dad) about the other baby being important.

I really like how you worded this. Might steal that. Might just announce to my siblings and family using that sort of phrasing.

Cranky, yeh you might be unto something. If I make it seem like I’m giving his special treatment it might get bigger in his head and it might make me seem big headed too.