Help me reply to 'D'H

[tiredmum11]

We have a 7 month old that doesn't sleep at night. It's been an issue from the start.

I'm breastfeeding and I usually deal with ds on a night and that's fine. He's my last baby (have 2 older dcs) and I actually sometimes enjoy the night feeds and the cuddles. We have a very close bond.

However he's teething and last night he was just so unsettled. I'd already been up with him a good couple of hours. It got to 3.30 am and ds started crying. Dh told me to just put him back in his cot.

My reply to that was something along the lines of 'well maybe you could try settle him?'

Dh then snapped back 'what is it you want me to do? What am I supposed to do?'

So then my reply was 'maybe just give me a break and help me once in a while'

Dh just rolled over and went to sleep. I sat sobbing for a good half an hour.

Ds started crying again and dh again told me to put him in his cot. I said no.

Dh then took him off me and tried to get him to sleep but didn't work so I took him back and he went to sleep for the rest of the night. I said to dh that i needed to ask him for help and what's so wrong with that. Dh said he doesn't know why I ask as ds would never settle with him anyway - ds has separation anxiety with me which can make things tricky. He doesn't like anyone to hold him but me.

This morning dh didn't speak to me. Clearly still pissed off that I've asked him for help. He went off to work and I sent him a text asking why he is so mad at me for asking him for help.

He replied but about something totally different.

I'm so tired this morning and can't even think straight. I've still had to get up and do the school run etc etc. I can't just have a lie in.

So when dh comes in tonight I need to have it clear what I want to say to him which is he's a massive prick and I'd rather him just not come home.

[tiredmum11]

It's all honesty, it's probably brought up underlying issues. I'm just a bit sick and fed up of him but I know if I bring it up then I'll just cry. Won't get my words out and turn into a mess because I'm so tired.

Thanks for the helpful replies, sorry I've if missed anything. Haven't had chance to read through everything properly

[clairemcnam]

OP this is your DH at fault for snapping at you and not actually doing any of the work with his own child. You know it.

[RomanyQueen1]

Aw, your baby has separation anxiety because you are always the parent.
Your dh needs to bond with his child, he will settle the same for dh then.

[JaneEyre07]

Once ours had moved on from Bfing, we had a rule that I got up on weeknights with the DC if anyone was disturbed but on Friday and Saturday nights, they were all his and the monitor went on his side of the bed. I often had to wake him up to say the kids were awake but I never once took over. It took him a few times to work out that if he was cranky and irritable with them, he was up for 3 x longer!!

[Flamingnora123]

It's so so hard, I honestly nearly got divorced during our most sleep deprived time. I felt like you do but actually my husband was practically helpful, just emotionally less so and really defensive and generally impossible to be around.
I don't agree with others saying that if your husband can't settle your DS you should just suck it up. He should take him for a drive for an hour or if its a safe area stick him in a pram and wall around with a head torch.
Your husband has absolutely no idea how you're feeling or how traumatic it is, but that's his own fault as he's not trying to understand. Tell him that just so he gets and idea he needs to take 3 days holiday from work and be up with the baby at all wake ups, then take sole charge of all of them in the day while you get out of the house for the day. He'll soon have more empathy!!

[lxzlxz]

I was going to say to start the conversation by asking him if he feels a bit sad / down about the fact that he can't settle your DS by himself. Having read your most recent reply, however, it sounds like you have a huge DH problem and he needs to grow up. Give him an ultimatum: you be a proper partner and parent or you fuck off.

[Kirstiesmith1234]

No real advice, except to say I'm in the same boat, except I've returned to work full time and it's still going on. DS will only go to me at night, which is fine....... but we all need a break at times. I'm forever having to ask DH to help, he'll just lay there listening to me struggling away then moan he 'had less sleep' than me in the morning 😂😂
It is ridiculous but I've ended up just waking him up and telling him exactly what I need him to do....... not always successful but I do get a tiny bit more help! Men! 😀

[Wallsbangers]

Its not helping, he needs to start parenting. If he's not at work, you need to spilt the load. The baby fills his nappy, he gets handed to your husband to change. Getting the baby dressed, hand husband naked baby and say "put some clothes on him, I'm going in the shower/make a tea/hide in a dark room".

[LittleMissHappy19]

Aww gosh, I really feel for you..DS2 is exactly the same as you describe! He will not settle for anyone apart from me. DS1 was quite happy to be settled for either me or DH.

I think some posters on here are right, as DS1 was such an easy baby so to speak! settling for either one of us..when DS2 came along and only wants mummy, my partner honestly believed that our baby hated him! Anything and everything he tried just wouldn't work!

But now what works for us, is in the mornings DH will take both our toddler and baby downstairs, so I get a hour or so sleep by myself..then when my DS2 wants his feed and is starting to get upset, DH will bring him up and I will feed him in bed with me and then we both have our morning nap together while DH keeps our toddler entertained.

Could you try something like this?

[Damntheman]

You seem to have a set a pattern that is breaking your own back OP! It's no wonder DS won't settle for DH if DH has never tried. To break that pattern I would suggest DH starts doing his fair share of the night settling and gets the baby used to him so that you are not the only one in the shark pit.

Put your foot down. DH starts doing his fair share with the baby and he starts now. He will change nappies and do baths, every other would be fine. DH does every other night with the bottle duty. How on earth does your DH expect you to take care of the other children if he will not pull his weight with the baby?

[tiredmum11]

I get up every night and I never ask him for help. Ever. I then get up before him on a morning. I go to bed after him on a night. All that is fine.

But I don't expect him to snap at me in the middle of the night when yet again, I am the one up again. I wouldn't of asked him for help if he hadn't of told me to put ds in the cot. That's when he started snapping at me and I said he could maybe just try and help me. Yes ds might not settle, but ds would of taken his dummy and it would of just given me 5 minutes when I had already been awake 2 hours.

As for the bond with dh and ds....ds loves dh fo play with him, tickle him etc etc. But dh doesn't really help me with him.

I dress him, I change his nappy (when dh is home) I bath him. Ds is breast fed but we decided to give him a bottle of formula on a night when he was about 8 weeks old. Partly to help him sleep more and partly so dh could feed him. I now do that too. So it really is no surprise that ds wants me all the time.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Tired Mum, Do you have any window today where you can set an alarm clock and lie on the sofa with a blanket and have a little kip? It might really help you. Perhaps when DS is having his own nap. Forget the housework ect.. if you can't actually sleep then read a book, watch an ipad/ Try not to think about this problem for the time on the alarm clock, just try to relax. It will help you get on with the rest of the day. Good luck xx

[Choccyhobnob]

I could have written this 3 years ago. DH worked away a few times a week and so DS was so very very attached to me, wouldn't settle for anyone else and actually didn't sleep through the night until 2 years old (sorry!)

DH ended up sleeping in the spare room for 18 months as he "needed his sleep as I have to go to work". I used to actually hallucinate through sleep deprivation then when I did used to break down after 2 hours of non stop feeding in the night and take him into the spare room I then couldn't sleep because of the screaming. It was fucking awful. I feel you.

The only thing that worked was me taking some time to myself, an hour a day and leaving him with DH. The first few times were dreadful but the more time they spent together the more he was able to settle him for me.

3 years on DH and DS have the strongest bond but he admits he was extremely depressed and felt useless and frustrated and angry that he couldn't calm his own son. For this reason he won't entertain the idea of another child as his mental health can't handle it.

This doesn't answer your question I know but I just related to what you're saying so much it nearly brought me to tears. Once I asked DH to run a bath for DS and he asked me how hot it needed to be. I cried as I was too tired to formulate the explanation in my brain and then articulate it. I just dragged my exhausted arse up the stairs, stuck my elbow in the bath then added a ton of cold so he didn't scald the child.

So sorry. Ran away with myself there...

[TowelNumber42]

Years ago I had a very successful outcome from a conversation with my husband that went like this:

I said that the sleep deprivation was killing me. I need to get some sleep. Desperately. The exhaustion is even stopping me from being able to think of solutions to how to get rest. Everything is going to shit because I can't function due to lack of sleep. Please help me. What can we do? I can't think any more, my brain is dead.

He switched his brain on, thought of multiple things I hadn't thought of, went into uber-caring protective mode and was generally excellent. When I had had some sleep I no longer hated him everything btw. Might work for you.

[LettuceP]

I think you need to decide on a plan of action to get your ds and dh bonding better. How was he with the older two as babies?

[Chocolateisfab]

In your dh's defence maybe he feels his dc doesn't particularly like him!!
Yabu to expect him to settle ds in the throes of tiredness (ds's) when he seems not to have him at all!!
Maybe work on ds being happy with dh during awake /calm times?

[SunshineCake]

He clearly needs to spend a lot more time with the baby since he's seven months old and your husband still hasn't learnt to settle him .
Where are you, Op? I've got three kids and used to work in childcare and happy to baby sit while you get sleep, or bring cake.

[butteryellow]

he does have a point which is at the moment if ds won’t settle with him and only with you, actually him even trying to help is going to exacerbate the situation with everyone wide awake and fractious

BUT.. I had a non-sleeper. Sometimes, DP would take him, and just walk him round the house wailing because I needed, like really, really, really needed a break. DP didn't need to be told this, he could see that I was at the end of my tether, that I couldn't settle DS either, and he stepped in.

So no, YANBU. Sometimes babies are inconsolable, and sometimes you need a break, and you need to tag each other in so you can keep your head above water.

[HavelockVetinari]

It's so hard with an awful sleeper

Rather than thinking about this specific incident, can you have a think about what you'd like to happen going forwards so that DH can help out properly? I.e. do you want to sleep train? If not, can you agree a schedule where your DH takes over for a set portion of the night? That way your DS will learn that Daddy is on duty during x time and Mummy is around at y time. If you stick to this your DS will learn to settle for your DH, and you'll get at least a few precious hours of uninterrupted sleep.

[SummerInSun]

Personally, I wouldn't say anything about last night. You were both exhausted (albeit you much more) and no-one is at their best when woken up in the night. You want him to say that he was wrong and apologise, but if you go on about it you'll just have another fight, which won't help anyone, especially since you both have a point - you that you needed a break, him that the baby wasn't going to take well to being handed to him. He probably feels inadequate and a bit hurt that he can't settle the baby himself.

If you must talk about the situation at all, come up with a constructive plan. Do you want to go to bed super early tonight while he handles any baby-waking until he goes to bed so you can get some sleep in early? Do you want him to take the baby in the night for a period of time (how long?), explaining that you know the baby won't go to sleep for the your DH but you need time to pull yourself together? Are you willing to try any form of sleep training? Personally, I'd be saying something along the lines of "last night was a shocker, DS's teething is exhausting. We do t want a repeat of that. Tonight, how about we try...".

[Wallsbangers]

We've had many a cross word in the small hours of the morning - last week's was "you try to settle him if you think you're so great". You're both sleep deprived, it's crap

I think you need to sit down when it's just you two and have a chat about what you need: kids out of the house for two hours on a Saturday so you can sleep, a lie in, DH trying to settle the baby with a dummy.

[ShawshanksRedemption]

I find with some people you have to be direct about what it is you want. So I'd say "DH I need you to take DS downstairs for 10mins just so I can have a break."

When I explained to my DH that he needed to step in as baby was just after comfort from my boobs, rather than feeding, he did get it and knew it was something he could provide. Your DH needs to learn how to comfort his DS, holding, rocking, softly singing, using the dummy.

I would also ask, how is he bonding with DS? If DS always wants you, does your DH feel like a bit part/unwanted? If he does the comforting, and DS just screams, does he feel like he can't do anything right? Who does the comforting during daytime?

Just to say, it does get better, time does pass and this is for you

[SweetPetrichor]

If the baby won't settle with anyone else, then there's no point in you both being sleep deprived. And you DH has to go to work, while I assume by the tone you don't. If you're off, and the other kids are school age, surely you can catch up on some of that precious sleep throughout the day. Sure, it's not as good as a solid nights sleep, but you have that luxury while your partner doesn't.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

Ell he's been a dick but it does sound like you've been happy to take on the role as main carer as this is your last baby and it's bitten you soundly on the arse...........that must be frustrating for your OH too. And the baby.

You need to build up to him taking the reins gradually, 3 am isn't the time to do it. Pick a time in the day when you're going to walk around the block or something and leave baby with his dad then build from there.

[Gatehouse77]

I found saying to DH that when I was asking for help it was so he could be the parent I can't be in that moment - not to add to the situation but diffuse it. If you phrased it more like needing to be a tag team rather than taking over would he be more receptive?