Use of 'slag'

[Susanna30]

As we were walking to the station, DH's elderly grandfather commented 'slag' and rolled his eyes as a teenage girl in a skirt walked past. I had to do a double take.
I said 'what?' but he said nothing and I didn't further question it.
I was really shocked at the time as no one in my family would say this or anything close. It's been on my mind and I feel really cross.

He is, I suppose from a different time and background. Which DH sees as an excuse, not sure I do.

I work weekends and my DH takes my young DD (4yo) to visit great-grandfather every other week. I am now worried about this.

She has come out with a few odd / derogatory things that no one should say and I had no idea how she heard it. One of the things was 'simple' when talking about a person in our family with disabilities. I had not connected that it could have been something she'd picked up from him. I'm sure she didn't get it from Cbebies.

AIBU for wanting to stop DH taking DD to see his grandfather. I feel really weird about this type of language and that someone would even think it let alone say it.

[TitsalinaBumSquash]

If he has no signs of dementia or anything I would quite calmly but firmly say to him "DGF, we don't use that language please
Don't use it in from of the grandkids." If he refuses then don't take them there.

My own Grandfather was very sexist eventually I had a bit of a stand off with him over it and he 'harumpfed' a bit and then carried on with his day but he didn't do it again in front of me.

[CharityConundrum]

My FIL has a habit of trying to provoke reactions by saying inappropriate things. I have made it very clear to him that he absolutely cannot do it when there are children around and if my kids pick up language that is going to get them in trouble at preschool/school then he won't see them again.

Pretending that you can't enforce a rule unless a court would find in your favour is ridiculous - the courts are there to uphold minimum standards of behaviour, not absolve parents of the responsibility for ensuring that their children aren't influenced by outdated and offensive attitudes.

[Hellywelly10]

Oh ps. DH needs to call hm out too op.

[Susanna30]

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

If I don't want our child around someone who's using disgusting, disgraceful language then absolutely I should be able to decide whether it is an appropriate relationship / environment for my child. If there is good enough reason. Which there may well be.

[pigsDOfly]

You don't say what sort of background he's from, just different, but I know several people from that sort of age group and not one of them would refer to a woman or girl in that way.

Why is old age so often used as a reason for rudeness of one sort or another? People don't hit 70 or 80 and suddenly turn into arses.

If you're worried about his influence on you child and your DH is excusing it because the man is old, so won't challenge him on it, make sure he only sees your child when you're around.

[polarpig]

Jacqueline Wilson uses it in one of her books - my DD brought it home from school in year 3, when I spoke to the teacher about it she was mortified and threw the book in the bin. I'd be furious if either of my 3 children used it.

[WWWWicked]

What a vile man. And I’d be pretty fucked off with DH too for excusing his behaviour.

Nah I wouldn’t want any daughter of mine around him. What if he decides she’s wearing something ‘slaggy’, will your DH be cool with it “because he’s old and from a different time, blah blah” then? .

[Hellywelly10]

Its not a word from his generation and i can see why your disturbed. I agree he needs to be called out on his behaviour. It does have to be in a shouty way, you just need to say you disagree. That way your modelling your boundaries and values to your daughter.

[GreatDuckCookery]

Advise on moving forward? Ask him not to use language like that in front of you or your DD would be a start! His age is no excuse to say nothing.

[ForalltheSaints]

Awful expression, only ever a derogatory word, and if your DD gets to use such words could lead to bullying or being ostracised by others. Definitely should be challenged.

[fotheringhay]

What a horrible horrible man

[Amongstthetallgrass]

Fuck there’s that woman who moans at everyone. Let’s go this way instead

GOOD! I want people to avoid me if they talk crap!

And YES you absolutely can object to a 90 year old who calls women Slags - unless your a simpering woman who knows when to keep her mouth shut in fear of upsetting the men folk. God forbid!

[mastertomsmum]

Not right to say it, but the world can look very different to someone who is 90. I would talk to your children about it and maybe also have a quiet word with him. As regards the ‘simple’ comment - I’d make sure your kids knew this wasn’t the right word to use. Kids are savvy they soon reach a point where they can gently correct older adults about inappropriate language.

My parents are over 80 but don’t usually say wrong thing, excepts about Brexit.

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

And if I am being U not to allow DD to spend time with her great-grandfather.

You ? Allow? Did I miss the bit where your DD has two parents and your DH - presume as he is an H and not a P - has equal parental responsibility and can take HIS child to see his family members as and when he sees fit to do so.

You could divorce him over the issue but you still cannot dictate whether he takes his child to see his family or not. No court in the land would agree with your diktat.

[Helmetbymidnight]

i think its good you said 'what?'

i dont know if id have felt able to take that on- but make sure you do next time!

[Helmetbymidnight]

to call a random teenage girl in the street 'slag' is absolutely horrendous.

id be amazed- and then v fucked off.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

It's not something I have ever heard my grandmother say, she's 88. She might say she doesn't like what so and so is wearing, but I don't think it's a generational thing. Also, he would have been around when women and girls wore skirts that skimmed their bums first time round, and weren't considered to be slags (my mum tells me she used to have to wear two pairs of knickers to protect her modesty climbing upstairs on the bus). Sounds like it's him being a misogynist. You could challenge every time, but it's not going to change his views by the sounds of it.

[AcrossthePond55]

And if I am being U not to allow DD to spend time with her great-grandfather.

How's that going to work? Will your DH agree to this? If not, and DH takes her anyway, wouldn't you rather be there to pull the old fart up on it. Or at least to say to your child "That's not a nice word that Granddad just used, we don't use that word" loud enough for him to hear.

I don't give a shit how old someone is, if they use unacceptable terms to describe someone I'm going to speak up, if only so my children will hear that it's not right. It's not about changing the person using the word, it's about a child understanding that it's not an acceptable word.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

I also think, overall, your DD will model herself on you and your DH. She may copy language she hears from other people, particularly if it's a new word to her. You can tell her why certain words are not nice/not used if she says them and teach her about respect for everybody.

[EL8888]

In all honesty l wouldn’t be thrilled about someone saying things like that in front of my children. I know they weren’t there but l doubt those kind of judgements are a one off. So what if she was wearing a short skirt, it’s her choice to do that. What does your DH think about it all?

[cheesydoesit]

And so what if people avoid you Dizzy? Do you equate asking someone not to use the word slag as moaning?

[Tomtontom]

I don't believe it's a word that would be common to his generation. I volunteer with a group where all members are male and most 80+ and I've never heard it said, even when they don't know I'm listening.

[Crabbyandproudofit]

Can you have a chat with your DH about your concerns? I would think he doesn't want to challenge his grandfather, even if he disapproves of some of his language (hopefully!l. However, if you put it to him that the only way you want the visits to continue is if he guarantees to address any inappropriate comments immediately then will he agree?

[cheesydoesit]

For what it's worth my husband's GF is 93 and he would never say anything like that. My own GF was 72 and said fucking horrible things that we would all pull him up on and as we got older we would see him less.

[cheesydoesit]

He may be 90 but I'm sure he had the same thoughts when he was a younger man, you don't turn into a wanker because you are older, nor should it give you a free pass to behave so horribly. To answer your question, no I wouldn't let him around my 4 year old. What if she wears something 'slaggy' as a pre-teen in the next 7 years or so? Will it be ok to brush his disgusting misogyny under the carpet because he's 97?