Stepchild treated differently

[dogandwhistle]

My SIL and BIL have a child together, BIL has a child from first marriage. SIL and BIL are very, very competitive. Very high standards and high expectations of the child they have together. BIL child wants to go to university. BIL says No. Doesn't see the point in it. I know for a fact that he would allow his child with SIL to go. I think they actually just don't want to pay for child to go as it will take money away from them. I am annoyed with them and think they are treating his first child differently. I know it is none of my business. But it annoys me. I think they are being unreasonably not supporting his desire to go.

WineGummyBear You are right. My original point which seems to have been sidetracked into degrees, apprenticeships, whether I like my BIL or think my SIL is horrible! Was and is.. AIBU to be annoyed that they discourage one but will encourage another!

Yes I know! Interesting isn’t it! And yes, a girl.

Going to Uni is not some kind of award that only worthy people get to reach. Uni is the right place for some and for other. My eldest has gone because she had to pursue the career they aspire to. My second probably won't and even though I would never stop them to go, I have already discussed with them why it is probably not the best decision for them for various reasons. They agree.

Maybe your bil is il discouraging him for valid reasons rather than not thinking he is not as worthy as his second child.

When I say dominant controlling parent, I mean that he is very much “in charge”, for example, Mum said no term time holidays, he booked and took him anyway. What he says goes. Regardless.

I agree WineGummy.

Who of us can honestly say at 18 we were fully functioning ‘adults’. Not many - or at least bumbling along.

To start a new life venture, unsupported, in a different place - all at 18, with no parental support. It will be hard. There’s no cushioning.

And yes; if the reason the DF won’t support him is because he’s being tight with money/preference for the other child - then shame on him.

And what if he does want a fulfilling, vocational job rather than a nebulous career in IT. Not everyone in IT makes megabucks, nor has a fulfilling job. Not everyone can design computer games / cyber security - IT support anyone..?

I’m friendly with a few vets, only one who works with animals directly. The others work in pharmacology/research - sounds very interesting to me.

My DDs student loan doesn't cover her accomodation, never mind living costs. If DH and I refused to financially support her, then it would be an impediment to her going to Uni.

There's a reason parental income is taken into account when determining the loan amount, because you're expected to contribute.

I know there will be replies from people who did it all alone.

If the child lives with their mum, the dad's income isn't taken into account anyway.

I suspect your SIL is no pushover.

With all due respect he’s 17, if he wants to go to university he can. But it’s something he needs to sort himself with the support of his mother and you if you want to continue to be so invested.

He can easily go to uni he will just have to put his mothers income down and claim he is estranged from his father for funding purposes, he may have to get a part time job for spends but that isn’t the end of the world.

What dad says doesn’t matter the lad is practically an adult (legally that is) he can do what he chooses.

I’d not discount the apprenticeship quite so easily though (maybe the field I would) apprenticeships these days often attain a degree at a much lesser cost than generic university and can be easier to do/organise work and lifestyle commitments around. Perhaps this is something he could research?

I don’t think comparing a 17 year old with a 10 year old is really fair, no one will know for another 7/8 years whether your BIL will encourage uni for her or not, and you should form opinions made on assumptions, it just sounds like you have a grudge and don’t like him very much.

I can’t see how they’ve been treated differently as in unfairly more differently as there is a 7 year age gap.

The crux of it is if it’s uni his heart is set on then he can go if he so wishes, but the onus is on him to make that decision and get the ball rolling.

Shouldn’t!*

All of you criticising the OP for getting involved - there are many case studies of situations that have had fairly awful outcomes, which show that if people didn't just 'turn a blind eye' or 'not want to upset the parents', the outcome could have been different for that child.

I applaud the OP for trying to help, because he does need help. Children of this age will all too often not fight for themselves, particularly when faced with a parent like this boy's father. If university is not for him, fine, but if it is, then the OP's help/information might be what tips the balance for him. Let's help eh?

If he gets the grades he should 100% go to uni.
I think your BIL is being shit. His son will resent him in years to come.
My dsd wanted to go to to uni, she had the grades. Her dm and stepfather refused to support her and bullied her into changing her mind. They also made things pretty nasty for us in the process.
I regret I couldn't do more for her. We did try.
Dsd now has a job she does well in, but it's not the career path she wanted, and in any case it was the fact she wasn't supported by her dm that has caused issues for her.

He wouldn't be able to claim estranged status if he is living with either of his parents.presumabky he is in the 6 th form now so where is he living and who is supporting him?

Of course step child can apply for uni without permission of parents, but he will need some support, ie a roof over his head without expectation of paying board etc. It is unfair, but all too common in blended families. The SM won’t care a jot whether SC goes to uni or not unfortunately. It may be down to child’s DM to engage in dialogue with your BIL about the issue.

Does he even live with BIL though? Otherwise not sure why his opinion matters. If he lives with his mum then only her income counts towards the loan/grant amount. If she is On a Low income he should get enough to support himself so BIL doesn’t need to give him anything. Did BIL go to uni? Just wondering if - given you mentioned him being competitive - there is any part of it that is jealousy that his son has an opportunity he didn’t have?

Hey OP

Not sure why you’re getting an unduly rough ride here but I hear what you are saying and have lived it. It sucks. But you DN can navigate it. Talk to him, tell him his options and let him know he’s got someone in his corner.

There’s more to career options than your salary (side eye to those saying he should go down the IT route if he’s got no interest).

I figured it out myself in the end but wished I had someone to give me the encouragement to make the decision at 17. Mumsnet is full of double standards sometimes...

Can you explain why or how you think he’d support the second child to go to uni when he won’t the older one? She’s very young to be making those decisions so seems a bit arbitrary unless he’s clearly saying yes to one and no to the other. If that is the case what reason is he giving? That might help us come up with some suggestions

Rather than being reasonable or unreasonable, I suggest you take your nephew under y

Oops

under your wing. Help him to see he can achieve his dreams, no matter what his father says.

Why does his mother allow his father to have such control over the boy's life?

Hi. Having just recently completed student finance forms for dcs it didn’t ask anything about non resident parents income so am not sure his refusal would have anything to do with loan amount.
It is awful of him though. Support your nephew and encourage and support him if that’s the right thing.
I know 18 is technically an adult but it is nice to have parental support and someone to give you a hand through the minefield of paperwork involved.
Just a thought but is living at home an option? 1 dc lived at home got the first year but still got a decent maintenance loan so managed to save some to help when she did move out.

My Father has always made it clear he doesn't think very much of me (will actually say 'that isn't for people like you'). It does make life harder. Im really proud of what I achieved professionally. I'll always make it clear to my own child I believe in them and that it is normal to find things hard. If my DS wasn't academic I would encourage towards and apprenticeship and also do everything I possibly could to help him be the best at it. If he wanted to go to Uni and I thought he would struggle id still support him in it. Life is long, retraining is much quicker than all the work you have to do to rebuild your self esteem from a parent who thinks you are worthless.

Tell him to go into IT, much more money

No! Tell him to go with his own choice, the course and career he is interested in and wants to do. Someone who has their hoes on becoming a vet is hardly likely to want to change to IT, it's not remotely similar!

OP - of course it's unfair. The father is being selfish, uncaring and cruel. He deems one child as more important than the other he should be proud of his first child too and want him to do what makes him happy. He should be supporting him and helping him to achieve his goals, not being him down and refusing help, even more so when there's a second child he would support.