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AIBU?

Stepchild treated differently

71 replies

dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 11:55

My SIL and BIL have a child together, BIL has a child from first marriage. SIL and BIL are very, very competitive. Very high standards and high expectations of the child they have together. BIL child wants to go to university. BIL says No. Doesn't see the point in it. I know for a fact that he would allow his child with SIL to go. I think they actually just don't want to pay for child to go as it will take money away from them. I am annoyed with them and think they are treating his first child differently. I know it is none of my business. But it annoys me. I think they are being unreasonably not supporting his desire to go.

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dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 13:10

Actually, AnneLovesGilbert, I expected people to probably just say mind your own business and let them do what the want or similar. I haven't said SIL is horrible I haven't said anyone is neglected, I have said I think it is unfair.

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SaskiaRembrandt · 05/04/2019 13:17

.BIL doesn't want to spend any money from new family pot.

Then he doesn't have to. Assuming your nephew lives with his mother, then any finance he gets will be based on the income of that household. If he lives with his father who is refusing to support him, then he can claim student fiance under estranged status www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/financial-support-students-not-supported-their-family-estranged

Either way, your BIL has no say in the matter.

outpinked · 05/04/2019 13:20

As others have pointed out, you don’t need family support to go to uni. Student loans exist for this very reason and he can also work PT.

Discouraging it with one child and not the other is pretty shit though.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/04/2019 13:37

How old is he and what has he said he wants to study?

nokidshere · 05/04/2019 13:49

Student loans are based on 2 parents income regardless of whether they are separated, divorced and not living together if those parents are willing to support the child. There are options on the form for a parent to refuse to support the child and then the loan would be based on either just one parents income (if his mum supports the application) or none if she doesn't.

None of these things will preclude your nephew going to uni. His student loan will range from approx 4K to 8k depending on the level of financial support he can get from both, one or none.

Foslady · 05/04/2019 14:16

Dd is planning on going to uni. My income is low, don’t expect any contribution from her father. I’m sure if her brother that is her father and his new partner’s child wants to go then he will go with joint parental contributions.
Whatever - I don’t care, dd knows who has been there for her supporting both mentally and practically. That is all that matters. If dnephew wants to go then it’s his choice

SaskiaRembrandt · 05/04/2019 14:19

Student loans are based on 2 parents income regardless of whether they are separated, divorced and not living together if those parents are willing to support the child.

When I filled in the forms for my sons they asked for information about my income and Mr Rembrandt's income, in other words, for the income of the household the student lives in. They didn't ask for any information about my ex-husband/their father.

dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 14:26

He is 17 and would like to be a vet.

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Foslady · 05/04/2019 14:31

Does his grades reflect this? It’s a very competitive degree

dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 14:36

Yes, they do, but his Dad has found him an apprenticeship type thing in IT.

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ZippyBungleandGeorge · 05/04/2019 14:40

Tell him to go into IT, much more money!

Lots and lots of students have no parental financial support for a variety of reasons, of they want to do it they pay their own way, get student loans and work part time and in the holidays. It's what I did and most of the people I know. This isn't any of your business but if you are dead set on getting involved tell your DN to do what he wants to do and be willing to stand on his own two feet to do it.

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/04/2019 14:42

Okay Vet degree is very competitive he needs the grades, a bare minimum of 4 weeks work experience and ideally 12 weeks.
Finances will be tight as there is very little opportunity for holiday jobs and there is further work experiences that has to be done in the holidays through out the course.
If your BIL is set apprenticeships your DN could do a veterinary nursing apprenticeship and then once qualified do a specialist nursing diploma to further qualify in a particular area to run their own clinics.

1wearpurple · 05/04/2019 14:45

I was this child at 18. My father wouldn't fill out the forms declaring his income. I therefore couldn't go to university.

The situation is the same now, if you check. If a child's parents won't fill out the forms, or refuse to contribute financially when their earnings are high enough to do so, then the child must support themselves for 3 years before they can apply for students loans/maintenance etc in their own right.

The only exception to this is if the parents formally declare that they won't support the child. Which of course, these types of parents won't do, because it makes them look bad. Ironically.

The only chance this boy has of going to university within the next 3 years is if his mother will take responsibility.

1wearpurple · 05/04/2019 14:48

Here is the link to the information:

www.standalone.org.uk/guides/student-guide/#irreconcilably-estranged

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 14:58

an apprenticeship type thing in IT.
You do know don’t you, these apprenticeship type things quite often have a degree at the end of it? five years, full pay, one day a week course release, a bone fide degree at the end of it and NO DEBT. But I know that you don’t know that because if you did you wouldn’t be thinking its a type thing. It just shows that you do not understand what a modern apprenticeship is.
He is 17 and would like to be a vet. will he get the grades ? Everyone wants play with the fluffies. Its highly competitive to get a place - you need a BA in the sciences then a post grad in veterinary sciences. All this can take 7 years and it’s far more difficult to get on a course than it is for medicine.

Postsecondary Education. Would-be veterinarians must hold a bachelor's degree at a four-year college before moving on to veterinary medicine school. Undergraduate work should focus on chemistry, biology, zoology, physiology, microbiology and anatomy.

He’s 18. He’s an adult. He can make his own choices.

You just don’t like your BIL – is this your partners brother or your sisters husband? It’s really none of your business. Concentrate on your own life and children rather than those that arent even related to you.

dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 14:58

Thank you 1wearpurple. You’ve got it spot on.

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dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 15:09

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking. You are so aggressive. Yes I do know that, thank you. It’s not about the degree, the apprenticeship it’s about not being fair. Dictating to one, university is out but it’s in for another. My point regarding the apprenticeship type thing, being that IT is nothing like veterinary. You’ve taken the time to point out what it takes to a vet, yet end with “everyone wants to play with the fluffies” And the apprenticeship type thing, is WHERE I WORK, so I think I know more about what it entails than you. So put that in your judgemental pipe and smoke it.

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Lonecatwithkitten · 05/04/2019 15:11

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking in the U.K. Vet med is an undergraduate degree not post grad.

WhiteCat1704 · 05/04/2019 15:22

How old is their second kid?
Maybe they don't want to support the first as they have years of nursery costs, after school clubs etc. Also is the father paying maintenance?

Also assuming your nephew will get minimum level of student loan, has a part time job and works a lot and saves through holidays he will manage just fine.

dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 15:25

Second child is 10.

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dogandwhistle · 05/04/2019 15:27

He stopped paying maintenance when the mums partner moved in.

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WineGummyBear · 05/04/2019 15:29

Everyone saying the child can go to university regardless of what parent says is hugely missing the point.

My best friend at school was incredibly bright and also wanted to be a vet. But after living 18 years with a father who mistrusted education and told her is wasn't for her did she apply and go? No.

Parental support & encouragement is a huge factor.

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Popuppippa · 05/04/2019 15:33

"He can claim student fiance under estranged status.'

I was going to suggest this. If he's really determined he can succeed without support from his father. If he does decide to go he should let student support know about his circumstances as they can often be helpful in situations like this.

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2019 15:37

dominate controlling parent Wtf does that even mean?

pinkyredrose · 05/04/2019 15:39

Love that he's the 'dominate controlling parent' yet pays fuck all for his son.

Is the second child a girl?

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