Child maintenance

[babyno5]

This is more of a "we" than an " I".
DP has always paid maintenance for DS (my DSS). They split when he was 1 and he's 18 now.
He finishes 6th form college in May and has a full time job for the summer (longer if he chooses not to go to Uni). DP has told his ex he will stop paying maintenance in May. She's hit the roof with no explanation as to what she expects!
For context DSS lives with us half the week and if he chooses uni then we will make separate financial arrangements directly with him.
We've always known that the maintenance doesn't get spent directly on DSS but supplements her lifestyle (it's quite a lot)
Advice please x

[Mrskeats]

That’s such a true expression
Good I’m glad he’s emailed.

[babyno5]

@Mrskeats my dad always used to say "so good deed ever goes unpunished" 😂
He's e mailed her and told her it's not open to discussion. Quite hilariously there was a period of 4 months where DSS was with us full time as didn't like his mums new BF (believe me there have been quite a lot!) and DP carried on paying maintenance 😂😂

[Mrskeats]

Ok great so now enough is enough. Lovely to see the gratitude from the ex for going above and beyond. She has some nerve. Sometimes being overly generous backfires; believe me I know.

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Get DH to reply that this isn't a negotiation and that he is just giving her polite notice so she can adjust accordingly.
What's she going to do?
Got thorough CMA? Good luck.
He's almost finished compulsory education and he is with you half the week. She holds no cards here.
Just tell her again and then ignore her.

[babyno5]

@Mrskeats just because my DP is a generous soul. There were no lawyers involved when they separated and divorced. He gave her a generous pay off as well. She's had it very easy last 17 years

[Mrskeats]

I still don’t understand; why is there any maintenance when it’s 50/50? Crazy

[Rtmhwales]

@CanILeavenowplease No, it doesn't. It's not court ordered and her DSS lives with them 50/50 anyway.

[CanILeavenowplease]

It needs to be paid to the end of August. That is the correct stance to take.

[catsoup]

If you went through CMS then the maintenance would stop if he was working more than 24 hours per week or when child benefit ended. Whichever happened first.

As it's an informal agreement it's really about having that discussion with her and coming to an agreement about when it will end. Not always easy to do though.

[GrandTheftWalrus]

My DD is two and I've already said that tax credits will stop for her when shes 16.

[babyno5]

When he was younger he didn't stay as much as half the time with us because of school etc but now he has a car and chooses where and when he stays.
DP paid maintenance because he is naturally very generous but now we need to make cutbacks ourselves

[Mrskeats]

He lives with you half time so why is maintenance being paid?

[Bookworm4]

Did she think it would be paid endlessly? He's 18 and finishing his education and going into FT work, ends when he leaves school/college. His dad is funding him not her.

[Order654]

If he lives with you half of the time anyway then you don’t even need to pay maintenance.

Tell her tough shit.

[DerelictWreck]

If DSS lives with you half the time, why was he laying maintenance?

[44PumpLane]

YANBU, if DSS is with you half the week then maintenance was technically not necessary and DSS's mother must have realised that the money would have been stopping at some point this year.
If I relied on the money (as your DSS's mother migtt) I would have made no assumptions and would have asked your DH his plans for the maintenance well in advance, like at the start of his final school year.

Your DH isn't responsible for her welfare to be honest. I understand she might be panicking but she has had literal years to try and make alternate plans or talk to your DH about this.

[babyno5]

@Inliverpool1 I didn't get any maintenance from my ex (very messy divorce and very glad just to be rid!)
One of the uni's he's applied for would mean he could live at home either

[babyno5]

@cocodash yes that's where my head was too. Although no way he could pay her what she's losing on maintenance

[Inliverpool1]

My son is 8 and I’m already planning for the day the maintenance stops. It really shouldn’t be a surprise

[babyno5]

@AmIRightOrAMeringue he told her last month so she has had some time to process.
If DSS doesn't go to uni his summer job will be there for as long as he wants it. She's not a "big holidays" type so don't think there are summer plans. I suspect it's because she knows she will have to cut her cloth accordingly x

[cocodash]

When I worked full time at that age I was fully expected to pay digs to my mum and dad. Maybe that could be a soloution?

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Hi OP maybe it's the short notice? We're almost at the end of March so 5 - 6 weeks isn't that long to put plans in place for a change in financial circumstances. If he doesn't go to uni what will he be doing? I'm not saying her reaction isn't right and your husband hasn't been paying his fair share but maybe she is panicking as she only has one paycheque to go before she has a big change in income and may have planned things for the summer eg holiday with her son that will now be difficult. You obviously know her better than everyone here to know if she is being unreasonable though

[babyno5]

@funinthesun19 that made me giggle a little as I imagined her preparing like some are for a no deal brexit 😂😂. Stockpiling baked beans, pasta and toilet roll 😂😂

[funinthesun19]

Well she needs to start preparing for the inevitable whether it’s in May or August. Not only will the maintenance stop but so will child benefit and tax credits if she receives them.
August will be here before we know it.
You are absolutely right to pay the money directly to him when he goes to uni.

[babyno5]

@Perty01234 I suspect you're probably right but I have little sympathy as she's never made things easy!