To think this is taking the p#$$

[Exertionforthemind]

Long story short.
Partner and I both own homes. She moved in to mine and leases hers.
I was the larger earner by far, but following birth of DD, took a lesser job to cut working hours and stress.
Now salaries are almost equal and with high child care costs, we just about get by.
Until now I have kept the child benefit money as I've always had responsibility for buying EVERYTHING DD related, with the exception of food shopping which is shared (mortgage and home running costs also split equally).
Now my partner has insisted that the CB is put towards childcare costs instead, which I am okay with, provided she splits the cost of all child related costs.
My AIBU is that until now I've never questioned the fact that she is collecting in excess if 100 monthly profit from her flat which she has kept for herself. Having questioned it when the child benefit conversation arose, I was told 'that's just how it is'. Where as I feel that if this income is generated by her living in what was originally my home, then this should be contributed toward the household.
Now, I'm not after anyones money, in fact I have always been stubbornly independent where money is concerned, but I feel I'm being taken for a bit of a ride here?.....Thoughts please.

[RandomMess]

I really think this is about more than the £80 I suspect the reality of living on a reduced income is hitting home and you both feel rather "broke".

Hopefully focusing on an angle of "it seems we are both finding things tight" will open up the conversation rather than focusing on the fact you both feel a bit hard done by!

[Clutterbugsmum]

I would work out exactly how much you spend on DD and take off the £80 and divide the difference show her the figures and ask her to give her share of DD costs.

[Exertionforthemind]

My thoughts exactly RandomMess.
I mean, it's £80 a month....it doesn't touch the sides.

[RandomMess]

CB is actually not that much income relative to the cost of raising a child so it does seem a bizarre question!

I would want to be having a conversation more about are you both fully committed and if so to join all finances legally in terms of property ownership etc. If money is tight perhaps your DP sells up and they buy into yours and it's becomes 50:50.

[DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner]

Was the CB question fairly asked ? Perhaps your partner was thinking about setting up an account for child and wondered if you were using the CB as a savings vehicle? So it would have been an uneccesary doubling up of resources. Or was there an anglepoise shining in your eyes and edge to the question? Had the accountant been visited and it was a perfectly neutral forward planning consideration - they asked her - she asked you? It might be a good time if you want to plan a financial future together to suggest a genuine review of where you are, where you want to get to, how are you going to achieve that. Don’t forget about pensions. How are you going to legally cover each other for the benefit of your family. You don’t need to marry but other means of securing your family future are out there. Please consider making wills too.

[Mookatron]

You need to have a sit down and talk it out then OP. Never an easy conversation to start but always feels so much better afterwards - and if it doesn't it either means you have to have the conversation again or, well, y'know. Good luck .

[Exertionforthemind]

Yup CostalWave. You have my complete agreement there.

[Exertionforthemind]

Yes, the job was discussed and it was agreed that it was in the best interests of all. I'd never make such a decision without involving her.

Thanks for your comments regarding tax we can look in to that.

Like I said earlier, I'm not interested in any of this, it stemed from her comments about 'where the CB is going'.
I've never had any interest in this silly questioning every penny until now.
I was more than happy with how we were coping post change of job until these comments were made.

[CoastalWave]

Christ. Sounds like you're shacked up with a lodger like at uni!

You're in a relationship - with a child. You pool your money. Easy. Everything into a joint account. All bills come out of there. Whatever is left over is yours - if it's easier, split it.

I can't ever imagine having this conversation with my husband!!! I earned the majority of the money for the first 4 years we were together, now he earns the most. Who cares!!! So long as the bills are paid and there's some money left over, that's all that matters.

I think you and your 'partner' are making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your dp pays her entire mortgage and receives the entire rental income. It looks as though she’s making a profit. However her income has therefore increased. She will pay more tax. Mortgage interest relief is being phased out so the tax could be substantial and affect other benefits if she is on them.

Apart from paying her mortgage, she’s also paying half of yours. This is basically your rent. Now she wants you to put the child allowance toward childcare fees. What the two of you need to work out is who’s going to pay for your dds nappies, clothes etc.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to pool your disposable income? It will cause far more arguments.

Before you go spending her profits, you should be calculating her tax liability for next year. If she’s got her head screwed on she will be saving to pay it off now. So no, you shouldn’t be expecting the £100 to go into the family kitty as it will be needed for the tax bill.

You say she’s taking a unilateral decision. Did you discuss getting a less demanding and lower paid job with her?

[Exertionforthemind]

Sadly MRex, you're spot on there. I'm not exactly enjoying this.

[Exertionforthemind]

One more thing, the CB just to clarify was always going towards paying for things for the little one......but it definitely doesn't cover it.

[MRex]

I think when you've reached this point it might be useful to consider if you actually plan to stay together in the long term or not. If not then keep the child benefit as you're the one using it. I couldn't manage in a relationship with this level of angst over £50 here or there, yet you're both apparently feeling a lot of pressure around getting the correct share. So you aren't really operating as "partners", but as co-parents and housemates. Is that really the kind of relationship you both want, because it sounds really hard work? If it is then work out all finances in total and arrange splits (including where house maintenance costs go for each property) based on the full list of all costs and income.

[Exertionforthemind]

Thank you to those who have given non-judgemental advice.
There are a few things I hadn't considered such as the financial equity I gain from her being here, but then I assumed this was taken care of by her gaining financial equity in her own home as living here allows her to do this with profit.....I'm not sure wht I'm missing with regards to that. I just assumed that two adults in a relationship split living costs equally. If I'd have moved to her home I'd have expected to pay half (as I did when I moved in with a previous partner).
We definitely have to have a chat about a few things though and you're right....it's definitely about more than the money.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

The easiest thing is to sit down and work out your actual finances. Then you can both see what comes in, goes out and what you each have to live on.

That way it wont need to be allocated your half her half towards specific items, it will all just be what needs to be covered.

[Mookatron]

Good advice from Ellisandra. I would be wanting to get everything financial out into the open at this point if I were you. Of course each of you can have a bit of personal spending that you don't need to explain but otherwise the guesswork and resentment is going to ruin your relationship.

[Ellisandra]

But why wouldn’t she have an expectation that you’re pocketing the difference, when you have a history of expecting her to pay half of your housing costs when she was earning less?

I don’t even disagree with you doing that btw - but you can’t then be surprised if she (a) thinks you might not tell her if you have more and (b) thinks it’s fine for her to do the same.

You need to have a relationship conversation that goes way beyond money now. Sounds like you’re quite resentful of her never buying even socks - that’s not a money resentment, it’s a roles resentment. It’s also really common in new parents, so maybe thinking about that before arguing over the money?

[Drogosnextwife]

Tbh it sounds like you would be better off apart. Who could be bothered with that. Either put all earings and money in together and split everything no matter who earns more or half all bills, childcare costs etc and then keep whatever you have left over for yourselves. Yes CB should go towards childcare or buying things for the child.

[Exertionforthemind]

Demelza......thanks for your input, it's very helpful 🤣. However, I don't think I implied that I bought anything for my partners benefit and not my child at the end of the day, everything I do is for my child and I'm happy to pay for everything for her forever.....what I have taken issue with here is the questioning of how the child benefit is spent, meanwhile she hasn't ever gone and bought her so much as a pair of socks.

It's not really about the money at all.....it's the questioning of my intentions and the insinuation that I'm somehow pocketing the excess....whilst in reality I'm just about getting by.

[Ellisandra]

And bear in mind that her current legal status in your home is that of a lodger (i.e. almost not legal protection at all). Why would a lodger pay for your home improvements?!

It does rather sound like the chickens have come home to roost from your earlier decision to charge her half the house costs when you earned more. You set the scene for not having joint finances.

[Tinty]

Also, a few have implied that being the higher earner previously I should perhaps have split my additional disposable income with her.......is that really the same as her keeping income she only has because she lives in my house, to herself?

Well she pays half of your mortgage and bills now, so you can live in your house on a lesser salary, and work less, if she didn't live with you and pay half of all your (shared) expenses could you have gone down to lesser hours and worked less.

So yes it is the same, when you had more money you didn't share it, now she has more money and isn't sharing. It was ok when you had more wasn't it.

[Mookatron]

If she had not been paying half the mortgage you would have a point about the rental income. But she has been paying half the mortgage and you haven't put her on the deeds. So she's basically been giving you the extra income.

You can either make it completely fair by pooling all income inc her rent, putting both names on both sets of deeds, and paying all expenditure out of the pool. O you could by ensure that all expenditure is the same no matter what the income (I would argue that isn't fair though).

You have decided to live with this woman and your child as a joint household. The finances have to work accordingly. I can see why each of you might want to keep your own property from before you were a household just in case it goes tits up but otherwise the only thoroughly fair way to manage it is to pool resources.

[Ellisandra]

Damn right she shouldn’t be paying for repairs or improvements l on your property!!!!
There’s a reason that doing so would give her the legal right to ask a court to consider if she has gained a beneficial interest.

You need to go away and think properly about what kind of financial partnership you want, now you have a child - and document it.

[Exertionforthemind]

Tinty.....actually, I'd never given that any thought until she started implying that the CB wasn't being spent appropriately. Also, when applying for the CB I requested at that point that we set up a joint account for paying childcare etc and was shrugged off.
I'm angry and saddened by the whole thing.

[DemelzaPoldarksshinerrefiner]

Perhaps you ought to spreadsheet the entire relationship. To resolve who the financial imbalance really benefitted over the duration. The issue of buying for partners benefit - you didn’t do it for the childs benefit? Odd. You weren’t bothered about divine fairness when you were the higher gainer. By all means redress finances - but try not to delude yourself that it’s because you want to live in financial democracy! Whilst you are so bothered about equity and equality perhaps you ought to broach who would get what in the event of a relationship breakdown - just to keep everything super fairly balanced.