What is it like after your parents die? How do you cope?

[Likethewind321]

Sorry for the morbid question. My parents were quite old having me, and all my life I have been vaguely aware that I won't have them as long as my friends will have their parents, but recently I can't stop thinking about it.

My dad died when I was 20, I was woken up one morning in uni by my mother ringing me to tell me the news. It was such a shock.

My dad was 75 at the time, he died of a heart attack. Now, ten years on, I am 30 and my mum is now turning 75. I am thinking all the time about how she is probably going to die soon (even though she is active and in good health). And even if we're fortunate and it's not for another 10 or 15 years... that still seems quite soon.

The thought of losing her upsets me so much, I am single and childless. I do have a half brother but apart from that I will be alone and unloved when she has gone.

The practicalities scare me as I remember how stressful it was for mum when dad died and I don't know how I will be able to do it alone. I will have to sort out the funeral - how will I do that? Who will tell me what I need to do?

Maybe she will be ill and need nursing care - I have no savings to pay for this so again, who will help me? How will I know who to ask to help me fight for what she needs (everyone seems to have to fight for the right care, the nice hospice, etc?)

I remember there was loads of paperwork and financial things to sort out when my dad died, it took my mum well over a year to get it all sorted out - I will have to do this when she goes, I am dyscalculic and am very basic when it comes to finances, I don't know how I will manage it? I won't even know what there is to be done?

I will have to sell the family home to split with my brother, but I will feel rootless and cast adrift when it has gone.

The whole thing is just looming ahead of me as a terrible ordeal that I don't know how I am going to cope with.

Can anyone tell me what it is like and how you got through it? I need to stop catastrophising, maybe it will take the worry away a bit.

Thank you

[twooutofthreeaintbad]

This is exactly why I don't agree in having kids after a certain age. I wouldn't want my children thinking like this and it affecting their daily life when they are young. I'm so sorry OP, I don't have any advice but sending lots of love

[2birds1stone]

@twoutofthreeaintbad

That is all very well but I have always wanted children, the urge has always been there but I didn't meet my dh until I was 27. We got married and got a house when I was just shy of 30 (he is 7 years older) dh also hadn't met the one until.me and also wanted kids.

It's unfortunate we didn't meet 10 years ago but that's the universe for you. We can't control when we will meet the partner we want kids with and I won't deny not long before meeting dh I was on the verge of considering a donor but luckily I met a man who wanted the same as me.

We can't all meet someone in our 20s to have children with and alot of my friends children will be in the same position as my dd so hopefully she will have friends of a similar age who can support each other.

[Neome]

Dear two, sadly parents do sometimes die when their children are young or young adults and there is no way for any of us to guarantee this will not happen to our children.

I have known this after a long illness (friend who died from breast cancer and was able to make detailed arrangements for her 5 year old) and suddenly (athletic family member who had an unexpected heart attack after a football game leaving primary school age children). Being under 30 when their children were born was no protection but they were both wonderful loving and loved parents and older parents can be just as good.

Dear OP, I hope you have many more good years with your dear Mum, it's really understandable you fear losing her. If your fear of not coping is troubling you you might find a brief course of CBT or mindfulness helps you build and have more confidence in your resilience.

I am facing the possibility of losing a parent this year if cancer treatment is unsuccessful and tearfulness creeps up unexpectedly now and then.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

It is hard

You know one day your parents will die before you and you will have to deal with their death

My mum died nearly 5yrs ago - I miss her so much and even more so since Finallg becoming a mum after 10yrs ttc

Our daughter has no nanny’s and only one grandad as df parents are both dead

My Dad is still alive. I worry about him being alone And lonely - I do think dd gave him a lease of life - I got preg 2yrs after my mum died

I guess you just have to cope as it’s a fact of life. I know that sounds harsh and it isn t meant to be - but there is no choice

Those with parents alive. Keep in contact. Spend time with them. Would do anything to see and be with my mum again

[Passthecake30]

My mum is 80 and she's very proud of herself for buying a funeral plan and arranging everything for when the time comes. That will help emensely I think.

I lost my dad 12 years ago. I think when I lose my mum I will be less close to my siblings... as we are not close anyway, and she is the "glue".

[SerenDippitty]

I sympathise OP. I used to worry about it too. My dad was 50 I was born and I was still at school when he died. My mum died a couple of years back aged 93. I’m childless but lucky to have a husband and a sibling. You will cope.

By the way many if not most 75 year olds are pretty active and fit - my mum and my in-laws were still going on holidays abroad etc at that age.

[NicoAndTheNiners]

I think talking to your mum now is key even though it may be a difficult conversation.

My dad knew he was dying and made a folder with all financial information in. So a list of bank accounts/savings accounts and how much money in each one. That was the main thing.

Make sure she has a valid will and discuss who will be executor. Me and my brother were executor for my dad. My brother had been an executor before so knew what to do but you can buy a book telling you what to do and I'm sure google will throw up some good websites.

So we went to the registery office to register the death. We had to take a form which iirc the GP gave us to "prove" he'd died. The registrar was really good and they offer a service (free) where all the govt departments who need to know are alerted so you don't need to tell them. Stuff like making sure the pension or any benefits are stopped.

You're then given a death certificate. You then need to apply for probate. My brother did that bit, he had to go to an appt somewhere and take the death certificate and a copy of the will. Then probate was granted and he had to write to all the bank accounts. You have to send in a copy of the death certificate and then they shut the bank account down and will transfer the money to a nominated account. If you can get more than one copy of the death certificate at the registry office this would be good otherwise you can only deal with one bank at a time and you have to wait for the certificate to come back and it can take weeks.

Organising the funeral was straightforward. The funeral directors will guide you through this and tell you what needs to be done/ask the right questions about what you want to choose. Again talking to your mum about this beforehand is a good idea. If she can pre-pay out of any savings then that will also help.

If she needs nursing care she may need to sell her house to fund it. You wouldn't be expected to pay for it.

We found the Macmillan nurse to be really good for organising carers, hospice, etc for my dad. If your mum doesn't have cancer but is elderly then a social worker may help. My gran had a social worker to make sure everything was been looked at when she went into a home. Remember the citizens advice bureau will also offer free advice to people.

[immortalmarble]

My mum died when I was 17 and my dad died when I was 33.

I mostly don’t think about it much, but I did have a dream last night that I went back to my childhood home (it was sold after my mother’s death.)

It’s not as bad as you think though. Honestly.

[cptartapp]

My DF died aged 54, my DM was killed in a car accident two years ago aged 69 so at 44 I'd lost them both. Had to clear and sell the family home of 50 years, organise the funeral and wind down her estate whilst working and raising a family. That was the easy part. The hard part now is having no family within the county and spending every Xmas, Easter, New Year, birthday etc etc with DH family who now almost 80 and in reasonable health, live next door to SIL and the GC and have no appreciation of how lucky they are.
I've become very bitter and resentful over the years.

[Mamabear12]

You just cope. Be thankful for the many years you had with them growing up. I lost a close friend when she was 33 :( her daughter was not even two yet. She will never truly know her mom or have any memories to keep.

My dad passed away recently when I was 35. It was difficult and sad. I’m still recovering. But I focus on the fact he had a long and full life. He saw his children grow up and met most of his grand kids. It makes it easier knowing they had a long life.

[maddiemookins16mum]

My dad died when I was 16, just died very suddenly from a brain haemorrage. It was truly, truly awful. My mum died 5 years ago, some 32 years after my dad. I was heartbroken, I miss her so so much. The first 18 months or so were unbearable but I have come through the worst. I just think losing my mum left me with a huge raw, bleeding wound but the wound scabbed over and healed over time. The scar has remained and always will, and every now and then (sometimes when I least expect it), the scar really hurts. I think we are ‘programmed’ to survive and I have.

[lidoshuffle]

I found it (comparatively) easier to cope with my dad's death, even though I was closer to him, than my mum's who died 5 years before him. Although I was an orphan and totally alone, I only had my own pain and didn't have to feel it for the surviving parent too.

Your parents never leave you though. Not in a woo woo way, but in real, flesh and blood ways. I know I am turning into my mum as I get older and now I don't have to fight against it like I did when she was alive.

There's so many moving posts on this thread so many different and yet common experiences. The main one being "you'll cope but it'll never be the same".

[funinthesun19]

I worry about this quite often I can’t imagine my life without my mum and dad. I’m very close to my dad and life will be very strange when he goes because I speak to him almost every day, see him regularly and he’s an amazing grandad to my children.

He’s approaching 60 now and it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t see him as being that age at all and what being older entails. The scary thought is that he could be gone in about 10 years and I’ve often sat there and cried about it. I know people live much longer than their 60/70s but some don’t.

[funinthesun19]

And he’s always been the best dad ever ❤️ From when I was little girl to now.

[Kittykat93]

I lost both parents before the age of 22, within six months of each other.

I'm still so sad. Everyday. I'll never get over it. Sorry probably not what you wanted to hear. But just enjoy your mum while you have her, don't even think about the end.

[Gotthetshirt23]

I saw the Lauren Herschel grief box - it's a drawing of a box, on the inside is a red button symbolising grief, a large ball bounces around inside the box hitting the grief button. Over time the ball gets smaller / larger pending on time (anniversaries etc) sometimes it hits the red button often, others not so.
Lost my mum last year and typing with tears in my eyes.

[MorrisZapp]

My gran died a few years ago and the weird thing is that my mum's house now smells exactly like my grans house used to.

They have totally different lifestyles, cooking habits etc so perhaps it's literally the presence of some of my grans stuff in my mums house.

So theres that, your house might begin to smell like theirs did.

[RoxytheRexy]

This is reassuring. My Dad died 3 years ago and my Mum died 3 weeks ago. Due to distance she never got to meet my 10 week old son. My Dad met my daughter once.

Just starting to sort probate now. It does feel quite surreal to be alone. Like there is no one behind me. Although my parents had been in poor health for the last couple of years and not able to support me it now feels a lot more final. Like no one has my back? I’m 35 and the first of my friendship group to lose both of their parents.
Some still have Grandparents around.

I’m so sad that my children won’t have any Grandparents involved in their lives. My husbands Dad is dead and his Mum isn’t massively interested. Prefers drinking and being dramatic to spending time with us

[DaphneduM]

Your mum may live many more years - enjoy that time rather than fixating on her death. Yes, it's hard when your parents die, but they're part of you and are always with you. They made us who we are, and also as time goes on you remember the fun, happy times and can have a fond laugh. My mum was nearly 20 years younger than my dad, but died first. Yes, it was devastating, we were so close - when dad died to be honest it was a relief as he was lost without my mum and was very difficult to look after. I count my blessings, I have a wonderful husband, daughter and son-in-law and am soon to be a granny. You never forget them, but they kind of fit into the family hierarchy. I am facing the loss of a beloved sibling soon (terminal lung cancer), so it has now come down to our generation. It's the natural cycle, birth, living one's life and then death. I hope to be able to be a good granny and am spending lots of time on the phone to my brother, while I still have him. You will find the strength to cope when the time comes - it's lovely that you treasure your mum - she is very fortunate to have such a loving daughter.

[user1465335180]

Op, don't spoil your life worrying, I'm sure your DM wouldn't want that for you.
I've lost my Dad, Aunt, Brother and Mum in the last 12 years and it' s bloody hard but you have to find a way forward but yes, it does change you. My DM died last year but she had Dementia and sometimes death is a blessing. Take care and try to enjoy what time you have left with yourDM