What is it like after your parents die? How do you cope?

[Likethewind321]

Sorry for the morbid question. My parents were quite old having me, and all my life I have been vaguely aware that I won't have them as long as my friends will have their parents, but recently I can't stop thinking about it.

My dad died when I was 20, I was woken up one morning in uni by my mother ringing me to tell me the news. It was such a shock.

My dad was 75 at the time, he died of a heart attack. Now, ten years on, I am 30 and my mum is now turning 75. I am thinking all the time about how she is probably going to die soon (even though she is active and in good health). And even if we're fortunate and it's not for another 10 or 15 years... that still seems quite soon.

The thought of losing her upsets me so much, I am single and childless. I do have a half brother but apart from that I will be alone and unloved when she has gone.

The practicalities scare me as I remember how stressful it was for mum when dad died and I don't know how I will be able to do it alone. I will have to sort out the funeral - how will I do that? Who will tell me what I need to do?

Maybe she will be ill and need nursing care - I have no savings to pay for this so again, who will help me? How will I know who to ask to help me fight for what she needs (everyone seems to have to fight for the right care, the nice hospice, etc?)

I remember there was loads of paperwork and financial things to sort out when my dad died, it took my mum well over a year to get it all sorted out - I will have to do this when she goes, I am dyscalculic and am very basic when it comes to finances, I don't know how I will manage it? I won't even know what there is to be done?

I will have to sell the family home to split with my brother, but I will feel rootless and cast adrift when it has gone.

The whole thing is just looming ahead of me as a terrible ordeal that I don't know how I am going to cope with.

Can anyone tell me what it is like and how you got through it? I need to stop catastrophising, maybe it will take the worry away a bit.

Thank you

[stanski]

I worry about this too and my moms 10
Years younger than yours. It will cause a big
Void to open im sure

[lljkk]

I wonder if OP could find some things to help her look forward, even when her parents are gone. To give her the roots she craves.

Could be community volunteering or mentoring or a different line of work. Something to help make personal contact, to know what she touched someone's life.

[Purpleartichoke]

You let yourself have a few days to dissolve and then you pick yourself up and figure it out. If you do a traditional funeral, there is a whole industry that will just walk you through it. We did a non-traditional funeral, but really that just involved booking a room and giving the caterer a budget.

When my mom died, I was in the middle
Of a road trip. I had to hold it together to get my child home. We got home, I saw she was with her dad, and I literally collapsed on the floor. I had expensed every bit of energy in my body holding it together for the 3 hours it took to get home.

[Froglette16]

OP, when you lose your mum,count on you MNfriends.it sounds like you’re worrying way ahead of time, so just try to calm yourself knowing that you have us to help you through it. In the meantime try to have as many meaningful experiences with your mum as you can. 75 is not the end. Take it all one step at a time. Hugs to you 🌷🌷🌷🌷

[27dresses]

I think when my parents die, it'll be a sigh of relief. They're both very old and have lived their life to their fullest. I would be content knowing that they made it to the end.

[PtahNeith]

You'll cope better if you don't spend the last years of her life upsetting yourself by imagining her already dead. How much worse will your grief be if you're also tormenting yourself with the realisation you wasted the time you had because you were so distracted by something that might not happen for another 15 years.

So, instead...

Think about what you'd regret not saying or doing if she had died, and change those things. Have the conversations you keep postponing or forgetting. Tell her you love her if you're normally too embarrassed. Take her for afternoon tea every month (or whatever). Make the time for her that keeps being pushed back by other priorities.

Think about the daughter you want to be right now, and the relationship you want to have right now, and then make the changes to make them happen. Think about your values and what's important to you, and reflect honestly on whether you're living up to them in your own eyes. If not, then make changes based on the outcome you want to see.

Or, if everything is perfect and exactly how you want it, then focus on taking care of that and making the most of it. Make sure you protect it and don't let it slip away through inattention or neglect.

Because after she does die, if you have spent the time you have left like this it will bring you a great deal of comfort, as well as reducing or eliminating the possibility to torment yourself with regrets. Don't underestimate how much easier it will make it to bear her loss if you spend the time you have well. (I'm not saying it won't hurt, just that your pain won't be made worse because of regrets and you'll have more chance of finding some peace amidst your grief.)

All the rest, you can deal with when it gets here. You will most likely be a different person by then. Worry about it when it gets here. You survived losing one parent very young, so it makes sense for the prospect of this to be terrifying and devastating - but the reality is that you are tougher than you feel and you will survive it.

[Ilikeviognier]

Yeah it’s really tough,

I’d lost both of mine by the time I was 32. My only sibling lived abroad, no grandparents left or close other family, so I had to do the whole house emptying/selling/probate/paperwork by myself. It was all very daunting and that was the least of it emotionally.

I’m now 10 years on since the first parent died and tbh the worst thing by an absolute mile is having your parents not meet your children. I watch my DC with their other set of grandparents and it really kills me.

Mother’s Day is always very hard, Christmas too. I still cry at least a few times a month when something sets me off.

You get through it because you have to. It is possible to get on with things but the emptiness never goes away.

[TryingSoVeryHard]

Try not to worry now, your DM may have many years left. I dreaded losing my parents and lost DM 11 months ago and DF only two days ago. By the end both were ready and DF especially had zero quality of life and it was time for his sake.
We are meant to lose our parents. It's never meant to be the other way round. Doesn't make it easier but I know if I or my brother had gone first they'd have been destroyed.
The advice on what to do comes bit by bit as needed. What a PP said about getting a Power if Attorney is very good advice.
Enjoy your DM. Do nice things together that'll comfort you one day.

[Ilikeviognier]

.....I do agree that you need to enjoy your remaining parent while you have them rather than worrying about this though. you’ll regret it later if you don’t.

[StellaRockafella]

Shortly after my mum died a friend asked if I'd ever get over it. I remember replying of course not, and many years later, I've still not got over it. Some days it still feels as raw as the day she died.

My mum died when I was 19 and she's been dead well over half my life, my dad is also dead and I've been an orphan for almost 15 years now.

As for coping, I just do. I have to. There's no alternative. Some days are fine and some days the feeling of sadness and loss is so intense I can hardly breathe. But I have to, and I just get on with things.

I often think I'm far luckier than most who have aged parents who are still alive in their 70s, 80s and so on. I mean how on earth do you deal with that kind of loss? I never had grandparents, aunts or uncles and because of this and knowing everyone seems to die before they're 65 in my family, it did make it a little easier as I was always expecting my mum to die young(ish). I also feel quite lucky that I remember my parents, my mum in particular as being beautiful and vivacious, and while I had to watch both die from cancer, I've not had to watch them growing old, becoming senile/developing dementia and things like that.

Anyway, as I've said, you will cope when it happens because you have to. Life goes on as normal around you and even though your world has stood still and it feels like it's ended, you have to keep going.

[PtahNeith]

Oh, and you won't be adrift and unloved.

Every experience you've shared together, and every bit of love she has had for you and shown to you have made you the person you are today. She's nurtured you, cared for you, shared jokes with you, has history with you.

Just because somebody dies doesn't mean all the parts of us that are shaped by them are erased. They continue to influence the way we think and the way we experience the world, so in that sense she'll still be travelling along with you. Your history together won't be gone.

[Lalliella]

Live for the day OP and try not to dwell on the future. Make the most of the time you have with your mum, and I know it’s easy to say but try not to be morbid and worry about something which may be a long way off.

If she needs to go into a home in the future it’s not up to you to pay. Her own savings and the proceeds from selling her house will pay, and then the state, if her money goes below a certain level (£23,000 I think)

Then when she does die, you will find a way to cope. You will still have your half brother and presumably other family members and friends. The funeral director and solicitor will guide you through the process. But please don’t let your fear of the future affect the here and now that you have with your mum. You sound like a lovely and loving daughter, and she is lucky to have you.

[Shouldbedoing]

What lovely posts
(And thank you )

[caringcarer]

I was very close to my Mum even though we lived 120 miles apart. When my Mum died she had been very ill with pancreatic cancer and it was awful seeing her get more and more ill and not being able to stop it. My four sisters and I all looked after her for last 6 weeks so she did not have to go into a hospice. Looking after her when she was so ill was actually harder to cope with than after she had died. At least then she was in no more pain. She had planned her funeral and so we did not have to do that. It was hard selling her house as we had all grown up there. I still can't go back to house as new family have ripped out her garden she loved and slabbed the whole garden. I have not seen it but my sisters have told me. I don't want to see it as when I think of it I think of it as it was full of beautiful flowers whereas they now think of the slabs. You sometimes forget. I phoned my Mums number when my dd graduated about three months after she had died to tell her my daughters classification without even thinking. Number no longer in use. It made me cry because I know she would have been so proud of my dd. It was hard when my dd got married and Mum never got to see it. My niece was pregnant when my Mum became ill. She wanted to live to see her new grandchild. She died two months before it was born but she had wrapped up a gift and left for him. We all cried. It is hard on Mothers day because when my dc give me gifts and come for lunch I cannot show I am upset because I no longer have a Mum. It gets easier after first couple of years. I was one of the executors and that was the easy part. You can buy software to lead you through it. My dh was very good and helped me a lot.

[LittlePaintBox]

I used to worry about people I loved dying all the time, so I get where you're coming from.

I coped with my mum and dad dying as I've coped with other difficult things - one day at a time. If you can't cope with your grief, there are counselling services you can approach for help, so don't be scared to ask for help if you need it.

Is there anything you can do now to broaden out your life at all, so you're not so reliant on your mum? Maybe you're not a very gregarious person, but could you follow up an interest by joining a club, something like that?

[HeronLanyon]

Hi op good questions ! I am so sorry you are feeling that way. It’s understandable.
Lost my dad 2 years ago and my mum 12 weeks ago. I can’t help at all about care homes/care in the home as they both died at their home (didn’t live together) and didn’t have careers in.
Really practically if I were you and to reduce worry -

1. Talk to your mum about what she wants to happen when she goes. Knowing what my ma wanted for funeral/memorial/music/hymns etc made things a lot easier. Write it down and keep it safe.
   
2. Make sure she has a lower of attorney (you or a sibling usually) forms online. But if a oalavar filling them in but worth it. Means she can decide and appoint NOW who she wants to make decisions if she becomes unable to. She needs 2 - one for health and welfare and the other for finances. If she becomes unable to make decisions etc the Kia can (eg sell a house for care home costs or decide certain medical things). My ma also did an advance decision - sometimes called a living will - it set out very clearly what she did and did not want to happen if she were to be in a coma or need resuscitation etc.
   

Honestly the above decisions she made when she was about 78/79 brought her a lot of peace of mind and all of us too. Then we got in with loving her and having fun as normal after brief flurry of being very sensible.

1. After someone’s death First steps have a rhythm and it all just seems to get done. Police/undertaker arrive (if at home) and explain what will happen. If your mum had been ill/seen doctor in last fortnight then coroner will be likely to be able to determine cause of death very quickly. Once they do that you register the death with your mums local authority registry office (appointment) they tell you what to bring and issue you death certificates. This can all be delayed if cause of death uncertain or no illness in which case an inquest may be necessary to determine cause of death (this happened with my ma). Can still have funeral once coroner releases body but awaiting result of tests.
   
2. Funeral director will handle a huge amount. You choose them so good to add that choice to what your ma wants.
   
3. The probate business does take forever - there is a lot of advice/guidance online or you can instruct a solicitor. Big advice is the more her paperwork is in order the better. Any declityering sorting of things done now will be helpful (don’t get rid of tax/bank etc stuff!!
   

Sorry the above is very practical and business like. Truth is if you can do it then I think you’ll worry less. I know my ma absolutely loved it that we spoke to her 10 or so years ago and helped her do some of that stuff. Only cos then it was done and she was less worried etc.

Good luck. Glad your ma is fit and healthy.

[Totaldogsbody]

I lost my mum 38 years ago and my dad 27 years ago and I still miss them so much it hurts. I still need to get on with my own life though and know that my parents would want me to enjoy it and not grieve over them to much. I still find myself crying at some stupid film and end up crying cos I'm missing them. I have coped though and I've enjoyed life. I've got 2 lovely daughters and a great husband, I guess what im really saying OP is that we never know what tomorrow will bring, you might meet the person of your dreams and they will help Give you the strength you need to carry on when the time comes. Your mum might even live long enough to get a telegram from the queen ( or by then king). So try and put the morbid things from your mind, live your life and when the worse happens you'll cope one day at a time.

[JaceLancs]

Much as I love my parents 79 and 93 and will be devastated when they are gone
Looking after them and their interests when they are ill and with dementia is no picnic
I think when they eventually go it will be a mixture of sadness and relief
I’ve told my own DC recently - hope I go quick and young even if you are v upset it’s better all round

[HamishsMomma]

You cope because you have to. My mum died 16years ago and dad 12 years ago. I miss them so much and so many friends still have both or one parent left and so can't relate to being an orphan. They moan about them and I just say nothing but think ' be grateful you have them'. There is no easy way just one day at a time. Good Luck OP and hopefully you will have your mum around for a long time yet.

[msannabella]

I lost both my parents at the same time when I was 27. I was still so immature and knew nothing of paperwork and what you have to do when someone dies. Luckily the funeral directors and solicitors have been through it all before and were able to take me in hand and guide me through it. I won't lie, it was tough but I managed and so will you. I was in the same boat as you, single, childless with a brother that lived abroad but you'll be surprised who rallies around you and helps out. I never felt alone in the months after they died as there was always someone to help or visit with a lovely story about my parents. As much as it's a cliche, time does help. I still hurt about it but now I've got a lovely husband and kids and they help me cope and remember them.
Practically, in my experience. Make sure your mum has a will and you know where it is. Ensure you know her wishes and all insurances and accounts as this will make it easier to contact them afterwards. That was the longest part for me, trying to turn detective and work out where things were. Mostly though, make the most of your time with her and make lovely memories. Sending big hugs. x

[RugbyRugby]

I'm in the same position OP and worry about this too. May I ask (if it's not too difficult to answer) those who have been parentally bereaved:

looking back now after your parent's death is there anything you would advise people who are excessively worried about death of their parents to do now that may help them prepare or manage their grief in future (beyond the obvious of make sure you ask them or tell them anything you want to now

I'm frightened too that I won't cope.

[HeronLanyon]

Things to do now to ‘manage grief’ -

For me best thing was to be able to say - I have no regrets - nothing unsaid or not done in later years (mine both died elderly). Doesn’t mean it was all roses but overall I was as good a daughter as I could be to both and they were brilliant with me right back. I tried as best I could to let both be independent (they lived apart) and not overstep that to remember they were my parents - always and had been through and knew far more than me about pretty much everything (well not technology) !!

• I helped a sibling reconnect with my ma which she is over the moon about. Took some doing but helped it along. Really glad now looking back that my ma had made peace and loved my sibling and had fun with her again for a good decade.
  

The first keeps popping into my mind a lot when I think how awful it is that my ma is not here and that I just miss her dreadfully. It really comforts me!-nothing haunting me left undone etc (nothing at all meaningful).

Talk about family - ask those questions. I sat with my ma going through photos of generations back and wrote down who people were. She dictated a 20 page thing for cousins about family and their parents as youngsters etc. In fact I emailed that out just a month before she died. This stuff means there is very little where I think ‘oh god I should have asked mum before she died’).

Lastly I let dp know last year as manbecame more frail that when she went I was really worried I would be inconsolable ‘for a long long time’. Didn’t need to say this (as it was known) but it was good to talk about it and it lessened some of my own anxiety about mum dying.

In the event I have managed to stumble along better than feared and had really great support. But it is tough and crap and exhausting. Day by day . . . That seems to be working.
Good luck all.

[rubyroot]

@Likethewind321 its truly awful when it happens, but we are human and more resilient than we realise. Let's hope your Mum has a good few years in her yet and enjoy the time you have with her- that's the most important thing

[2birds1stone]

It's something I worry about for my dd (and any siblings she might have)

By the time she is my age dh will be 75 and I will be 69. I can't imagine what it will be like for her having to deal with elderly parents which is why I would like her to have a sibling and also ensure she has some form of relationship with her cousins as even her aunts and uncles will be of a similar age.

I often have dreams of my parents dieing and it scares the hell out of me and I hope they still have at least another 15-20 years to go. It breaks my heart every time I lose a grandparent and makes me realise I am getting close to not having my parents :(

But I know of people that either don't have relationship with their parents or lost them alot younger than I am now so I try to be grateful and value the time I have with them now.

Although I keep trying to get them to write a bloomin will so i don't have to fight with my brothers

[IwantedtobeEmmaPeel]

I know it's hard, but if you can, focus on the here and now, and for now you have your Mum and she is well and healthy so make the most of the relationship you have with her and cherish her company. Do stuff together regularly because when she has gone those memories of how close you were and the love you had for each other will help sustain you. You won't have the regret of not making the most of your time with her, you will have the memories of the things you did together and the time you spent together. My Mum died two years ago in her eighties and we were very close and although I miss her like hell I have lots of memories of stuff we did together over the years like theatre trips, trips to Paris and London, pub lunches and lots of laughs. The memories help me because it means I don't have if only thoughts and because we told each other we loved each other. I am also grateful to have had that kind of relationship with my Mum when so many others don't.

With regards to the practicalities, undertakers will take you by the hand and gently guide you through each stage - they are used to this. If you are an executor of your Mum's Will you can appoint a solicitor to deal with your Mum's estate. When it comes to dealing with your family home, I will not lie, it is bloody hard dealing with all of your parents' loved possessions which you may not want, but feel you cannot get rid of as it feels so disloyal. I did not let my sibling deal with this bit as they would, by their own admission have just chucked everything into a skip. We donated quite a lot to a local charity and lots of charities will do house clearances. The bits you find hard to decide on can be boxed up and taken home to be dealt with later because at some stage it will get easier to decide what you really want to keep. And if you didn't want to sell your family home and wanted to live in it yourself, you could consider buying your brother out of his share of the house.

Your Mum could easily live another 10+ years and you don't want to look back and realise you wasted those years being constantly terrfied about when she might die. You need to live in the moment & cherish the now.

You might be married or have a child by the time your Mum died, no-one really knows. I think advice given above about trying to make or strengthen a good support network of friends is good advice. If you find these thoughts about losing your Mum are taking over your life I think you should get some counselling to help you deal with your fear.