Dw sidelined in will / legacy discussions

[Pelicanman]

I recently had a discussion with my parents and siblings about their (my parents) will and their wishes about what happens to their property after they die. My dw is now upset that she wasn't included in the discussion. None of my siblings brought their spouses either. I would not expect to be involved in discussions about her parents estate and can't understand why she feels upset. ISBU? Or am I?

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

My parents openly discussed their wishes in front of my DH and DS as well as me and my sister, but only because with DH being terminally ill, it was a frequent topic of conversation. I can't imagine him being miffed if they hadn't included him, but then I can't ask him if he would mind because he passed away.

[Jaxhog]

Very odd. I discuss inheritance with my DM occasionally. My DH might express his views to me, but he wouldn't expect to be included in the discussion with my DM!

[user1471426142]

I think it is odd and presumptuous and I’ve been part of discussions to do with estate planning with my in-laws as my husband has been with my parents. I wouldn’t expect to be included in discussions or feel left out. We’ve just happened to talk about things when both of us have been around and both sets of parents are unusually open about finances.

[AnnaMagnani]

I wouldn't expect to be there if no other spouses were going but I would expect my DH to have had told me all about the upcoming discussion and us agreed a party line on it.

Our finances our joint and we agree on stuff like this. And yes he knows what's in my parents' wills diddly squat and I know what's in his. Because out of him and his siblings, it was me that got them to make one!

I'd expect there to be no secrets between me and my DH.

[strawberrisc]

I'd shower with the door locked.

[ThanosSavedMe]

Your dw is being very unreasonable.

[NoSquirrels]

The only way in which it would be appropriate for spouses to be involved in this would be if the parents were effectively forcing a lifestyle decision on the children e.g. you were expected to keep and maintain a property/land for X years after the deaths and this would tie you down.

But even then I would expect that to be a discussion you had with your spouse privately, and then you both come to an agreement about how that affects the splitting of the will and you feed that information back to your parents.

If it's just a case of how things are split post death - equal thirds vs leaving to grandchildren in trust etc. - then of course it is none of her business!

[NoSquirrels]

I know what is in my MIL's will. It's pretty simple and not much to discuss anyway.

My FIL's will was an unpleasant surprise to his children.

I'm slightly hazy on my own DPs wills but know the general outline.

I would not be offended to be left out of a discussion between my MIL, my DH and his siblings.

My DH would not expect to be included in a discussion between my DPs and my siblings.

Between my DH and I, however, I would expect there to be full transparency and for my opinion to be listened to if there were any pitfalls obvious in the planning, and vice versa.

So - is it a communication issue between you and your DW? Have you unilaterally decided something that will affect her negatively in the future? Or is it just hurt feelings (irrationally)?

[Alsohuman]

I knew what was in my parents’ wills only because I was an executor. My husband didn’t know and didn’t ask.

[Pelicanman]

Not much money involved. In terms of backstory its part of a pattern where she will complain about anything that I do that doesn't involve her (even a whatsapp group chat with siblings, despite her having same with her family )which I can generally shrug off as irrational, but this was something bigger I needed to get a second opinion on.

[TitsAndTomatoes]

What an odd reaction
Im not close to DHs family, they never include me in any family shit (even the stuff that culturally i MUST be a part of)
However the is no way in hell id want to be a part of a discussion involving their mums will. She passed 2 years ago. I think if they wanted me there id still feel uncomfortable but i could provide an objective opinion. But otherwise....hell to the no! Not my circus!

[NoSquirrels]

its part of a pattern where she will complain about anything that I do that doesn't involve her (even a whatsapp group chat with siblings, despite her having same with her family )

Alas, I am familiar with this dynamic.
Stand up for yourself instead of shrugging it off. Point out she's being unfair as you're just doing the same as she would e.g. WhatsApp.
I can pretty much guarantee your wider family finds it a bit controlling and annoying. People are allowed independent relationships even after marriage and guilt-trips should have no place in it!

[TitsAndTomatoes]

I think actually OP, it might be worth you having had a preliminary chat with her?
I do know if this would apply. Like my DH is opinionated but in chats with his siblings they shrug him off as a kid (at the ripe age of 37) so sometimes hes better having a set idea before going in. He usually always asks my opinion and im a practical thinker whereas he is more emotional so he gets my objective take on things first.
Maybe she would have appreciated you asking her opinion beforehand? I dunno. Its hard to tell as we dont know the dynamics of your relationship

[MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours]

well, since your last update it does seem she wants to have her cake and eat it, and not even let you have crumbs

I was going to say that presumably you are not lording it over her with "MotherPelicanman has written her will and I know stuff that you don't know"

DH's mother has sorted her will and power of attorney, or whatever it is, and although I hadn't anything to do with it, dh told me what was going on, so if that's the case she is just being petulant that she's not involved first hand....although I do agree that really it isn't essentially her business.

She isn't covering herself with glory here is she?

[NoSquirrels]

Did you agree something annoying e.g. renting out the house vs selling it? Does she have a practical reason for her annoyance?

If not, then you're fine.

[BrokenWing]

its part of a pattern where she will complain about anything that I do that doesn't involve her

You need her to reflect and honestly tell you why this is a problem for her as you are not being unreasonable in this situation.

Is she nosey, doesn't trust you to make the right decisions/stand-up for yourself, controlling, paranoid? This is her problem not yours and unless she opens up and explains her issue you won't move forward on it.

[CountFosco]

PILs excluded me and SIL from their discussions. I felt like it was very much 'you're not family'. Bloody ridiculous because DH and BIL came out and told us what was happening anyway. FIL did not write his will as sensibly as he should have (it was a fairly large estate) and TBH they would have benefited from my contribution (or a decent solicitor). But I come from a background where people are very open about wills and money.

[theemmadilemma]

I would not expect my Partner to be directly involved although have been told to discuss the situation with him by my mother. But he would not expect to present or directly involved.

[Jebuschristchocolatebar]

Wasn’t involved in a recent chat with dh and his parents. He told me the gist of it afterwards but it’s not my business really. His family Money and not mine.

[TSSDNCOP]

I was invited, but declined. The outcome will be whatever it will be, but it's a close and direct family only matter in my opinion.