...to be upset at family going abroad for Xmas without me?

[Jabbythehutt]

My job means I’m not allowed to take annual leave over the festive period and it is our busiest time of year - I will be at work on Xmas eve day, then again Xmas day night, so just getting back home is difficult. This year is the first Xmas DH and I will have as a married couple (no kids yet), last year he came to my parents with me (his parents were invited but declined) so this year I agreed to come to his parents for Xmas.

I was planning on going back to my family for Boxing Day but now my parents and brother/aunts/cousin/uncle have announced they’re spending the whole festive period in the States visiting distant relatives. This obviously means I won’t see any of them at all at any point. My cousin has come out and said that there’s no need to spend Xmas away from them all unless kids are in the picture and she wouldn’t spend Xmas with her partner’s family even if they were married unless they had children. Mum says they’re just taking the opportunity to see them as I won’t be there on Xmas day anyway. I’m upset because they could choose any other time of year and I could go with them, but I do not have that option at all with it being a time of year when I’m not allowed to take holiday. I just thought it wasn’t fair to have DH have Xmas away from his parents but then refuse to return the favour the following year when I’d been invited. I really feel like my family are trying to prove a point and punish me for not seeing them. This post isn’t going to change anything, they’re going and I can’t even if I changed my mind, just interested to see what others think, maybe I’m being unfair.

[Loopytiles]

YABU.

But family members making negative remarks about you not being there for Xmas, especially given your job, does not indicate “being close”, and are being unreasonable!

[MrsTerryPratcett]

I used to work a LOT on Christmas. Like you a very noble and important job

My family did work around it. My mum once helped me cook Christmas dinner for my homeless clients. Well out of her comfort zone but lovely of her.

But I didn't expect or presume they would. It was my choice to do a job like that. So I ca understand why you'd like them to prioritize you but you have prioritized first work, then ILs. No blame in that but you have. So wave them off happily.

[Jux]

It did make Christmas somehow less if either of my brothers weren't there, but I had to grow up and take it on the chin when one or other was missing - one through marriage and therefore sometimes seeing ILs, and one through touring so not even in the country.

Life changes things as we grow up, and stop being children. We have to leave behind childish things and not sulk and whinge, especially once settled with a partner and career. Did they sulk and complain when you spent Xmas at your ILs? Even if they had, that doesn't make OK for you to do the same back.

If you weren't even going to see them until Boxing Day at best then you really are being childish about it all. Glad to see you've resolved to 'toughen up'; though I don't think that's really what you need to do its better than nothing!

Have a lovely time anyway.

[Jabbythehutt]

We are all really close and the idea of me not being there for Xmas was a point of contention, hence me saying I was getting comments like “You shouldn’t be spending Xmas away from us if you don’t have children”. I would love to go with them and I would have liked the opportunity to see if I could make a trip to the States work as I’ve never met this branch of family but they’ve made that a non-option for me. Can’t really help that my job means working through Christmas as I’m medical so I couldn’t go even if I was intending on spending Xmas with them but I do appreciate it was my choice to take the job knowing that would be one of the requirements.

I’m probably taking this a bit personally and they need to also enjoy their holiday time rather than taking only my plans into account. I probably am being a bit childish I was just very hurt when they suddenly announced a big family holiday after I’d said I couldn’t make Xmas day. I think I’m a bit skewed as usually making Xmas day at home is a lot of effort for me, I might do a 15hr night shift and not sleep after so I can drive back home 2 hours to be there for present opening but of course this still means they are adjusting their plans for me, I.e. delaying present opening until I arrive. Thank you for giving me a broader perspective, I will try and toughen up!

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

If you were saying you were disappointed you cannot join in I'd agree with you. But they are all going on a holiday at a time when you couldn't join them and will be with you PILs. YABU to complain about this. You should either stay longer with your in-laws if they are nice or enjoy a cozy Xmas with your new DH.

[BedHair]

I think you are being unfair to expect lots of people to do not doing something because you have chosen a job we’re you can’t. It’s not that you are going to be by yourself and your weren’t going to even spend Christmas Day with them anyway.

This. No one is 'punishing' you.

[Nesssie]

YABU. They aren't doing it to 'punish' you.

[Binkyboo16]

Guess you’re actually the adult version of Kevin mcAllister

[Returnofthesmileybar]

Ah stop it, this is madness, grow up and wish them a fun time, call them Christmas morning to say hello and go enjoy your own Christmas. You are being ridiculously childish.

[Fancyacuppaluv]

YABU

[seventhgonickname]

So you're married,living your own life but expect your parents to hang around so that you can see them for a few hours.Let them have a lovely Christmas,make the best of yours and grow up.

[Bangwhistlepop2]

Wallowing in self pity

[Bangwhistlepop2]

Turn it around and arrange a Christmas meal before your parents go away to the states. You could either meet at a restaurant or have someone host it at their house. Have everyone contribute towards the meal by bringing a course or wine.

Instead of wallowing in self you could turn it into a positive experience instead.

[WinterfellWench]

Last sentence should read......................

'Maybe you should be directing your ire at your employer who is making you work Christmas.'

[WinterfellWench]

@jabbythehutt

YABU to be mad at your extended family. As many posters have said, this is the only time all their leave matches up, so this is why they are going then. To think they are trying to 'punish' you is a bizarre way to think. What do you want exactly? For the entire extended family to cancel the vacation, so you can see them Boxing Day?!

As a few people have said, why don't you take the opportunity to spend it just with you and your partner? Do you not want to be with only him? Many people would relish the opportunity to not have to see extended family at Christmas LOL!

You say they have all year to go away. Similarly you have all year to see them!

YANBU to feel a bit miffed (as some people would) and no-one should invalidate your feelings, but your ire is misplaced. Maybe you should be directed it at your employer who is making you work Christmas.

[plaidlife]

Xmas brings out all sorts of strange stuff. If you aren't living at home and are old enough to be married it sounds a little strange to get upset by your parents taking a holiday but your feelings are your feelings. Getting the idea firmly established that both sets of in laws matter is a good thing, particulary if your family are likely to be funny about it. As a married adult you can start to make some of your own traditions alongside your old family ones.

[Notso]

You sound a big childish tbh. If I was newly married and childless I'd be looking forward to a cosy loved up Christmas with my husband.

You have to decide, either your family are all nasty have all conspired against you and are punishing you in which case why would you want to be around them.
Or, they aren't and are simply making the most of the time off together.
Either way cousin sounds like a wet wipe and I would pay any attention to them.

[Tinkobell]

Good grief. Everything you are going on about OP reminds me why I dislike and dread Christmas so much; divided loyalties, expectations......what a nightmare. YABU by the way. It's not just your Christmas that's supposed to be enjoy, it's everybody else's. I think you are being silly about this.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

It’s generally cheaper to fly before Christmas than after. I expect that was also factored in. You’re an adult now.

[Fadingmemory]

Disappointing perhaps but I think you are overreacting. I am sure your family aren't spending a lot of money to go and see family abroad to 'punish' you. Do whatever you can to have a good time with DH's family - help with cooking, some new games or just dig in, watch TV and snooze. Maybe none of that is ideal for you but it's not all about one person. Sorry if I sound harsh but you did ask...

[RibbonAurora]

You expect your family to make their arrangements for Christmas to accommodate yours? I can just see the replies you'd get if it were the other way around. Look, you're all grown up now, married and everything, your parents are certainly not 'punishing' you by arranging their holiday when they want. They've accepted that you now have new commitments and going forward major holidays will be shared between the two families. You weren't going to be there Christmas Day anyway and now you're all butt hurt because they won't be there on Boxing Day? Grow up.

[prettypossums]

Op, I completely see where you are coming from. If they are planning a big family trip to the US, that they know you would like to take part in, it seems pretty inconsiderate to go at precisely the time when you won't be able to join them.

If they have form for that sort of thing, it does sound as though you are being 'punished' for spending Christmas with the in-laws.

[TheChickenOfTruth]

My husband and I both get a full week off over Christmas as our companies close, and the schools are shut too. If we wanted to go way to visit family, that'd clearly be the most leave-efficient time to do so.
I'm sorry you're upset, but YABU.

[SassitudeandSparkle]

OP, it does seem extremely unlikely that because for this one year you are going to your DH's parents that the rest of your family would all spend money on a holiday simply to 'punish you'. YABU.

[Figmentofimagination]

I don't see the problem with them going away. They are visiting family. Though your cousins comments were weird.
My parents are going to visit my sister over Christmas and new year in the states, even though I have their only grandchild. I don't begrudge them going as they want to spend Christmas with my sister who the only see a couple of times a year. I would love to go with them, but I can't book holidays off in December and can't afford to go anyway. So it will be Christmas Day just the 3 of us, as MIL prefers for us to come over on Boxing Day, and we don't see FIL.