Arguing with DP, who is being unreasonable?

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

For context DP has a demanding job and I’m on maternity leave. Also, as I think it’s relevant, he was fishing all of last weekend.

9 month baby was up most of Thursday night, I lost count after the 8th or 9th time of getting up.

Last night DP calls to say he was on his way home from work but traffic is bad. I mention how tired both me and the baby are and that the baby has a really bad cold.

He calls back a couple of minutes later and says if I’m tired and just going to go to bed early do I mind if he goes to the pub for a few. I hesitate as it means I’ll have to do dinner and bed time routine by myself and I can’t face another night like the one before on my own.

I say it’s fine but can he make sure he’s able to help with the night if it’s another bad one. DP agreed, said he won’t be late and even said he’ll take the lead with the baby for the rest of the weekend.

I call after midnight and he can barely talk he was so drunk. Long story short, he ends up sleeping somewhere (I know where but don’t want to disclose on here) and getting a cab home at 5 this morning.

Turns out he fell over and as a result he has a swollen cheek bone, cut on his head and a swollen wrist.

I got up with the baby at 7 and kept her quiet until 9 when we went up to wake DP up. I could’ve let him sleep more but I’m tired as I’ve been up half the night again and to be honest I am annoyed at him for not sticking to his word.

He is saying he doesn’t go out often, I should give him some grace. He tried to get home but couldn’t get a cab. (He could, the problem was he was just to drunk to know how to get one).

So AIBU to be annoyed at him or is he for expecting me to not be annoyed and for not apologising.

[BlueCurious]

That would be a deal breaker for me. He's selfish and useless. Get rid.

[Nanny0gg]

He is beyond unreasonable.

I'd be doing some very noisy housework and I do hope he is capable of cooking your meals today at the very least.

You have nothing to apologise for.

[CardsforKittens]

He agreed to do something that he then didn't do. His reason for not doing it is essentially that he didn't want to do it. He's in the wrong and should apologise.

[CarryOnScreamingValenta]

He's being unreasonable because he agreed to do something and let you down. If he wants a night out he should arrange this with you beforehand and make sure he takes his turn getting up in the night on another day instead.

[Shoxfordian]

Is he usually this selfish? He doesn't seem to realise his priorities should have changed when he became a dad. He's acting like he's single.

[donquixotedelamancha]

He is saying he doesn’t go out often

Most parents with a 9mo don't do out much. When was the last time you went out all night?

[KMoKMo]

Another one who would be questioning the relationship too. I’d be raging. What does he do to help? Does he ever spend any one on one time with your DD?
It’s bloody hard work, especially when they are under the weather and you need some respite.

[HenSolo]

I’m so sorry op it’s the hardest thing in the world when you’re getting rubbish sleep and all you need is some support. I’d be putting my foot down.
I read somewhere that after a child the mothers life changes completely and often men don’t feel like their life has to change. It does. He shouldn’t be going out while you are struggling. Hugs xx

[tiggerkid]

I'd definitely be fuming. However it also depends on whether this type of behaviour is just generally normal for him (I don't mean whether he goes out often; I mean the lack of consideration, selfishness etc).

If this is the first and the only time ever, then I suppose it's easier to just let it go. However if it's a regular thing, you may indeed want to reconsider the entire relationship and certainly before there is any chance of any more babies coming into your lives.

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

No he isn’t usually selfish at all, he is actually a really good, hands on dad. In fact, perhaps I should’ve mentioned this in my OP, his weekend fishing was because I’d had a busy weekend a few months ago where I was pretty much out the whole weekend, pre-arranged of course, so I suggested he go fishing as he hasn’t been for ages.

I was pretty sure I wasn’t being unreasonable but I get accused of always thinking I’m right so I like to double check sometimes before I stick to my guns.

[Whisky2014]

do I mind if he goes to the pub for a few
I say it’s fine but can he make sure he’s able to help with the night if it’s another bad one
Oh come on. We know what "a few" means" and i personally think you asking him to help with the night is a way of controlling him to not drink so much (I guess you knew he would). Why would you want him to help after hes been drinking?
I think you are both unreasonable. You shouldn't play the martyr (you should have said no you need to come home if you were feeling that bad and resentful) and he shouldnt have got I to such a state.
I'd be using this as some leverage to get him to pull his weight and give you a break. But probably not this weekend...

[Whisky2014]

So you went out and he took kids and then he went out and you took kids. So the fishing thing is a red herring (boom boom).
You are a parent, he is a parent. Stop trying to get one up in each other.

[Sethis]

Er, he's in the wrong.

He said he would be there that night.

He wasn't.

Not only that, but "going to the pub for a few" doesn't equate to getting blackout drunk. Getting blackout drunk as a parent with a tiny child is hugely and massively irresponsible in the first place, never mind saying one thing and doing another. What would have happened if you'd had a problem and needed his help?

I wouldn't say get rid, but this is a complete cock move, and he definitely needs shouting at if he's not grovelling today and taking full responsibility for the chores/kid this weekend. A fair point would be to say something like "Okay, you had your relaxation time, and did what you wanted to do. Now I'm going to have my relaxation time and you're going to do everything while I do so."

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

@Whisky2014 I think there is a big difference between going to the pub for 5 pints or so and coming home at say 10, to being so wasted he couldn’t talk or get a cab. If he’d had had a few and come home “not late” he would’ve been sober to help with the baby later in the morning.

The fishing thing isn’t a red herring (funny btw) the reason I mentioned it is because it means I haven’t had a break since the weekend before that.

[Cinnabunbun]

YANBU. I'd be fuming!

I think both parents need to have a break sometimes but he couldn't have had any intention of helping with the night wakings if he would be drunk.

If their demanding job means they refuse to help with night wakings all week, then at the weekend they have to do their fair share. Going off fishing all weekend and having drunken blow out nights is selfish. If he could be trusted to just go out for a couple of drinks on a Friday night and then do his fair share of parenting overnight and all weekend then it would be different.

[Whisky2014]

But 5 pints IS alot! Ok 2 weeks, big deal. Thats part and parcel of being a parent. Chat with your husband arrange a schedule where you get time off too. Be a team not an enemy.

[DarlingNikita]

He's selfish and irresponsible. Also, 'if I’m tired and just going to go to bed early do I mind if he goes to the pub for a few.' is really offensive. The implication seems to be that if you're not going to be available to entertain him at home he'd rather just stay out.

He needs to step up big time and pull his weight.

[Tinty]

I think it will be fair if he now takes the baby for the rest of the weekend. Maybe you could go out and have lunch with a friend have a break and he can look after baby quietly at home.

Then he can do baby duty tonight so you get some sleep.

[Juells]

Wasn't there the exact same post on here a few weeks ago, minus the cuts and bruises?

Or perhaps it's just the normal script now for fathers of babies.

[Atalune]

Where did her sleep??? Why don’t you want to disclose it?

I honestly think when he rang and said about the pub you should have said- no come home. You tried to be cool wife. Cool wife always fails.

[Cuckooclocks]

I don’t agree with everyone on here saying “get rid”, it’s definitely not worth throwing a relationship away. Get through today and then when he’s not hungover explain your disappointment, he sounds like a decent guy who just messed up.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

He's being a dick, probably because he feels a bit guilty and doesn't like feeling guilty, so he's turning it back on you rather than manning up and accepting that he behaved like a dick, and apologising.

So many menchildren do this.

It's not about him having a night out - it's about him neglecting any level of responsibility and getting rat-arsed to the point where he couldn't even get home. HUGE difference.

My DH did similar when I was 38w pg - said he was going out after a party with his cousin (I'd gone home early because tired) and he eventually rolled in past 2am, completely smashed. I was SO angry - he reckoned it was ok because if I'd gone into labour his uncle could have driven me to the hospital. I asked if he expected his uncle to stay with me through labour as well?! which brought him to his senses, and to be fair, he didn't do it again for ages.

[Miscible]

It's completely irrelevant that he doesn't go out often and all the rest of it. The point is that he agreed not to be late and acknowledged that you needed him to help, and he went back on all of that for no good reason whatsoever. YANBU.

[twiglet]

I think you're right to be annoyed, he knew that you were tired you gave him the grace already when you said no problem but please don't be too late as you know I've had a tough time. He then decided to get plastered, will spend the day hungover so not keeping to his end of the bargain of taking the lead with the baby and is grumpy that you woke him up.

You kept a baby quiet for 2 hrs despite him rolling in at 5am!! I think you've already been nice enough!

Personally I would crash around the house, vacuum, hand him the baby for each number 2 nappy change and each time she is crying! He did say he would take the lead with the baby changing a nappy with a rough head is a great silent punishment.....

[Miscible]

So you went out and he took kids and then he went out and you took kids. So the fishing thing is a red herring

No, it isn't, because it happened last weekend. He can't moan about not being allowed a night out if he's just had a weekend away.