Aibu or possibly ungrateful GIFTS!

[blueberryandrhubarb]

NC as I know SIL is on here.

So that I don't drip feed I'll start by saying I have a very limited conversation with MIL. She has done some things in the past that when I posted on here people agreed with me she was out of order. However we have put this behind us and while I accept I won't ever get an apology I have decided to move forward for the sake of my dh and any future gc. I currently see her once every few months (we live about 4-5 hours away) and I remind my dh to keep in touch with her etc.

This works for us (most of the time!).

Anyway yesterday I got a text from a number I don't know saying 'MIL passed on your present today. Thank you for the lovely gifts, I had a wonderful birthday.'
I had no idea who this was from. I asked DH thinking perhaps he knew what it was all about and he too knew nothing. He rang mil and it transpires she had given her friend a gift from us (and my number so she could thank me). I have met the gift recipient once many moons ago at SIL wedding. Dh knows her as 'auntie x' but again hasn't spoken to her in years. There is no reason we would buy this woman a gift.

Aibu to be annoyed by this? Mil does it all the time. She gives distant cousins, aunties, uncles etc gifts and we get thank yous left right and centre when we have done nothing! It can be quite embarrassing when we are put on the spot! I am more than capable (and do!) buy gifts for people who we usually would buy for!

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because one of my past issues with mil was her interfering (for example when we got married she made an appt at the florists and changed flowers 'on my behalf'). So maybe I'm just over reacting on this!

Please tell me if I'm just being a cow. 😩

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

THat's very weird.

She's definitely got Ishoos.

Seems that one of them is that she thinks you and your DH are feckless incompetents who couldn't manage to buy a decent present between you, so she "does it for you".

Nope. That should stop. Text the lady back and say that you're sorry but your MIL got confused - you didn't send any present, it was from MIL.

[Blondebakingmumma]

Hehe
Thank god she’s not my MIL
she would have been uninvited to the wedding
I’d be tempted to respond to everyone who your MIL buys a gift for
“Sorry, we haven’t sent any gift for you. Check with MIL who the gift is from as I don’t want credit to go to the wrong ppl”

[LordEmsworth]

She did have her white dress but no flowers and she walked up with my mother before the ceremony
I would completely have let her go ahead with her plan, safe in the knowledge that everyone there would know that is ridiculous and she is mental...

Similarly I would reply to thank yours saying, oh this is embarrassing but we didn't send you a gift - there must be some confusion. I would let her do what she wants while not participating; other people will see it for what it is...

[Lovejoywasodd]

Please give us more MIL stories OP.

[MimiSunshine]

I can see you have found ways to manage the rage abdcstrss she must induce but you are still somewhat enabling her behaviour.

So firstly stop reminding your DH to keep in touch, I bet he doesn’t need to do that for you or any of your relatives and I bet you don’t need to remind him to go to work or get his car mot’d.

Secondly don’t back up the crazy, just reply back ‘lovely to hear from you but we haven’t sent a gift, probably best to check with MIL about that but I hope you are well and had a lovely birthday.’

Probably won’t stop MILs games but you aren’t forever to play them either

[HoppingPavlova]

Why not just say to the person “Sorry there seems to be some confusion, we did not send a gift but happy birthday! Who told you we had sent the gift? Oh, MIL? Well, that’s really strange, you will need to ask her about it as there has obviously been some confusion, maybe it’s from someone else and she gave you the wrong name. Anyway hope you had a nice birthday. Bye”.

After a few times your MIL won’t bother with such weirdness anymore. Personally I think it’s just as weird going along with giving someone a gift you didn’t give.

[KC225]

I wouldn't like that at all. If I give a gift, its my choice, and because In want to. I think its passive aggressive on your MIL to do this. Its so much more than just adding and family to a gift. She is controlling what is going out on your behalf and dont get me started on giving out your contact details. She clearly wants you to know about it as her generation are very hot on thank you letters and notes. I would contact the person and say 'It wasn't from us, MIL has been doing this recently, we are a little concerned about her mental state'. Then I would get your DH to let her know what you are sending out.

The wedding story about her wanting to walk down the aisle, in white with a bouquet to music is nuts. But I agree with the above poster more of those stories please.

[Aprilislonggone]

I did uninvite my mil from our wedding!
Well, sent dh to do it really!

[martingoresnipplechain]

My MIL does this/used to do this (I also have very limited contact with her for this and numerous other reasons). I found it quite patronising and interfering.

[blueberryandrhubarb]

You are all right I should be putting my foot down! I think my worry is now we have reached a polite fairly distant relationship I don't want to rock the boat 🙈 although I guess she is doing that by sending out random gifts!!

I had thought about telling people I'm worried about her mental state when she does these things but she had my dh very young so isn't really that old. I think it all boils down to her being used to being the matriarch and controlling things!

I'm going to ignore this as it's annoying but not harmful I guess and if anything else happens I'll start getting dh to put his foot down more.


Hmmmm more mil stories 😂🙈 I'll tell you a couple but if I have a breakdown I hope you'll all pay for my psychiatrist!

First would have to be when she used to come round to dh flat and let herself in. She would then come into his bedroom where we were in bed and start a chat! She once even got into bed with us (at the bottom of the bed but still too close when naked in bed on a Sunday morning!). We had just started a serious relationship at this point and I probably should have ran then!!!

I have never been invited to their house for Christmas, every year without fail she invited DH. One year he said he was bringing me and she swiftly booked a restaurant, paid the deposit and said no room for me.... Dh has never gone to theirs in 14 years because of this.

I guess our most batshit is my wedding dress. She has it. Just after we got married I had a quite late mc. MIL was great. Actually incredibly nice about it all and helpful. She brought round tea for us one night and saw my dress in the hall waiting to go to dry cleaners, she volunteered to drop it off for me as I was in no state to be going anywhere. Anyway long story short I have never had my dress back. This was 4 years ago! Mil said she is keeping it for when we do eventually have children so it can be made into a christening gown! I had no intention of getting rid of it but that is what she is worried about. I am aware I may not have birth children (had multiple mc) so who knows if I will ever see my dress again 😂 I tbh couldn't care less! I know she has it safely in storage and it saves me finding somewhere for it but I do find it odd!