to want to beat my ex around the head with a mushy banana for telling me he's reading English literature to understand me better

[SSSandy2]

If anyone is unsure BTW the answer is : no, YANBU

So I write a mail to my Russian ex about dd's problems here at German school and how much she hates it and so on and that I'm worried sick about it and can't find any good alternatives anywhere in town. There is one alternative I'm considering, it's a very expensive school for what you get and there are problems with moving her there too. So I don't know WHAT to do.

I get this long waffling mail back about how he is lying about a dacha at the weekends reading Thomas Hardy novels to understand me better.

EXCUSE ME?! WTF? I'm not some creature out of a Thomas Hardy novel FGS. What does that have to do with anything anyway and just ARGHH.

I'm off to beat the heck out of some tennis balls.

[Anna8888]

SSSandy2 - I quite understand that your ex's Hardy habit doesn't help you solve your very real and immediate practical dilemmas with your DD's schooling.

(How was the international school by the way?)

But I do have an inkling of where he's coming from... I think there are worse sorts of men out there

[SSSandy2]

Hi Anna
The International school was ok, nothing great but not really fantastic was my impression. The head was good. I need to send in an application form and after that they'd arrange 3 trial days to assess dd and decide which class she'd be placed in. I'd then get offered a place and have to make my decision. Sounds reasonable. So I'm thinking that through.

The dc didn't look particularly cheerful and neither did the teachers TBH. I really don't know what to think. I am concerned about what LIZS said about English speaking dc being held back and the disruption of dc coming and going.

I do get sick of people assuming I'm a lady of the manor type because that's what they keep reading in English novels, you know.

[Chopster]

YABU. It should be a big stick.

[Hassled]

It could be worse - he could be reading Mills&Boon "to understand you better" . At least his choice is highbrow (sorry - betraying my literary snobbishness).

[Anna8888]

Hi Sandy

Yes, sounds as if you need to go through the application process with your DD and that will help clarify your decision. We're basically about to go through that with my two stepsons - apply for 2/3 new schools (outside French state system) and see how the process goes and what impressions we gain as we go through it.

I have a friend whose 6 daughters are at the French school in Berlin. I haven't talked to her specifically about school, but she's a wonderful mother and her children are fantastic.

I know what you're getting at... but at least he is spontaneously trying to get at where you are coming from. How many men do that???

[SSSandy2]

Is the French school private or state-run, do you know Anna?

Well, I think ladies you're showing far too much understanding for this man! Gets herself a cup of tea and a cucumber sandwich and wonders what the world is coming to.

[SSSandy2]

chopster I do like the sound of that stick. However Russians are a bit kinky that way and I suspect he might enjoy it. He likes being whacked all over with a birch rod in the sauna and things like that. Wouldn't want to inadvertantly cause him pleasure, you see - hence the mushy banana

[Anna8888]

Sandy - I don't know but I think it must be at least "sous contrat" with the French Ministry of Education, and heavily subsidised for children with French nationality (maybe that includes EU too). Chances are it will cost a lot less than an IB school.

My friend is half Iranian-half Afghan and her husband is German and they are bringing their children up trilingually in French-German-Farsi, with English as first foreign language. They are all very well travelled and educated etc and she wouldn't have chosen the French school if she hadn't researched all the options properly and found it to be the best.

[haarpsichordcarrier]

I think it is perhaps a compliment
about you being all deep and intense and mysterious??
Maybe????
are you remembering why he's your ex at all this morning?

[SSSandy2]

I think it will be the College Francais which is a secondary school only, it's state-run, follows the French curriculum and starts in year 5.

[Anna8888]

No, her children have been in French/German school all through, except for a couple of years out in France (Fontainebleau) which she didn't think was up to much.

Do you want me to ask her?

[SSSandy2]

Thanks Anna, then they'll have been at the bilingual German-French Europa school I think. I don't know of a private French primary school here. I wasn't too impressed with those Europa schools TBH but a lot depends on the make-up of your dc's class and the teacher you get, doesn't it?

Haarpsy, how well you've captured my essence there! I think possibly he is still fighting to understand how I could have chosen to live in the real world rather than with him. I dunno. He thinks it is because I'm EXTREMELY sensitive. I think I'm pretty normal really.

[Anna8888]

I don't know anything about the Europa schools per se - all I do know is that my friend's children are charming, bright, happy and everything you could possibly want children to be.

[SSSandy2]

actually I quite like him in a way but he infuriates me, always going on about what he is thinking and feeling and not able to even change a light bulb without calling in an electrician.

[MarsLady]

Why waste time with a banana when an iron bottomed frying pan is far more effective!

[Anna8888]

He sounds like a girly-girl, not a man... all touchy-feely and not practical...

[SSSandy2]

he is a MUSICIAN Anna. Well I like intelligent, sensitive men and all that but I do like them to be a bit practical too

The frying pan is good, isn't it? Just a bit worried about it being turned on me, you see...

[haarpsichordcarrier]

aha a musician - case closed!
I quite like that kind of man though tbh fantasies of committing acts of extreme violence are commonplace

[Anna8888]

ah... I see...

Probably a mite unrealistic to hope that you can combine practicality and musicianship in the same personality...

A friend of my partner's divorced his first wife who was a musician - she just needed far too much practical support with daily life. He felt he was chauffeur-cook-decorator etc

[SSSandy2]

exactly

So the next question is, should we follow up on his invitation to spend a couple of weeks with him (dd and I , dh thinks Russia is somehow hell on earth and would NEVER go) at the Crimean?

Now keeping in mind what Russian prisons are like and how I might be feeling after 2 weeks of navel gazing.... Would this be wise?

[Anna8888]

Sandy - can you clarify - you are debating whether to spend 2 weeks holiday with your ex-husband and you are re-married???????

That is NO NO NO in my book....

[SSSandy2]

Dd is his child Anna. That's why and there's no hanky-panky danger or anything like that (and this was all a LONG time ago). It's just that with dh to restrain things it would all be relaxed but without him, I think ex would drive me UP the wall. UP and back DOWN again.

Ex does have a nice sense of humour though. He isn't unbearable all the time or anything

[haarpsichordcarrier]

I quite like the sound of him
I think you should go, good for you dd to see her culture and all that BUT make sure you have the name of a good lawyer in your bag.
and don't drink the vodka

[Anna8888]

I still think that that's a bad idea I'm afraid... whatever your non-feelings for your ex.

I think it's very important in divorced families to show children that proper allegiances are formed with new partners. And vis-à-vis your husband I think that you should have a clear distinction between your past and present life.

But that's just my opinion and the way I go about things

[Aloha]

ooh, lying in a dacha reading novels...sigh.

But yes, can see it would be a mighty irritating reply!

Where do you live now? How old is dd? What a shame your dh won't come.