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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would this work in your relationship?

48 replies

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 13:07

I am asking it just because I want to know how others support each other emotionally/financially in their relationship?

I have been with my partner for 4years. Living together for about 2. I moved in his house and when that happened we agreed on how much rent I am going to pay him. It's absolutely fine and I would have felt uncomfortable not paying anything at all. We have been sharing the costs of the food bills ... don't go down to every little penny but I think it's fairly balanced between the two of us.
I recently gave up on my old job and decided to change careers. He was very supportive emotionally we talked about it loads . I gave up on my job 3 months ago but hasn't managed to find a new one ... Firstly I was just looking in the industry I wanted to step a foot into but the past months I have been applying for every single job I come across. I don't know why I am not getting a job. Emotionally it's bloody hard but so is financially... I live on my savings and still pay rent buying the food as normal. And I am fine with it! I know my DP works hard and don't expect him to cover my ass just cause I made a decision. But! A friend of mine mentioned how relaxed I look and I must getting lazy etc because he is supporting me financially. I explained to her this is not the case and she turned it around saying it s not nice of him not supporting me especially based on the fact that he earns 65-75k... this made me think... should he support me a bit financially? How would this be like in your relationship?

OP posts:

Gardenpicnic · 29/09/2018 13:10

If you are ok with it, what business is it of your friend's?

HoraceWimpIsThisYourLife · 29/09/2018 13:11

If I was your DP I wouldn’t expect you to keep paying the same amount and would help support you.

This is what me and dh have done for each other over the years and it’s worked well for us.

TyrionsNextWife · 29/09/2018 13:12

If it was through ill health or redundancy that someone lost their job, then I would expect the partner to help if they could. If I’d quit my job voluntarily with nothing else to go to, then it’s fair enough to use savings etc to live.

Glumglowworm · 29/09/2018 13:13

Sounds like your friend just wanted to have a dig at you! They were snarky when they thought he was supporting you and then snarky when they found out he’s not.

icelollycraving · 29/09/2018 13:14

How long will your savings last if you use them st the current rate? If less than three or four months, you need to speak up.

Glumglowworm · 29/09/2018 13:15

As you left your job by choice and have savings to fall back on, I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he’s not financially supporting you

If you’d given up work to look after children or through ill health then I think it would be different

LeftRightCentre · 29/09/2018 13:15

Personally, I'd never have left a job without another to go to voluntarily. I'd also never live in someone's mortgaged house and pay them rent without a lodger or tenancy agreement - you can be thrown out at any time.

I think you should be asking yourself why you threw away your financial security rather than quibbling about the rent and bills. What is your plan for when your money runs out and you still have no job?

Chamomileteaplease · 29/09/2018 13:16

I agree that your friend sounds hard to please!

But I also feel that if you gave up your job voluntarily with nothing to go to then why should your BF subsidise your expenses?

Crunchymum · 29/09/2018 13:16

If it works for you, then fine.

My DP and I have had various times of unemployment between us (well mine has been maternity leave x 3 ) and we've supported each other. I took on the lions share of bills when DP was made redundant he has also done periods of childcare as he went self employed after redundancy and has had gaps between projects when he was getting established

Sometimes it's been discussed and decided mutually (planned pregnancy) and other times we've just had to roll with it (surprise redundancy and unplanned pregnancy)

Original poster

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 13:17

Yeah of course she was snarky... I know that. She is not the nicest person but there were times when she was there for me when no one else was and I don't want to end the relationship but keeping her arms length... but what she said did make me wonder regardless of it being a snarky comment or not

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 29/09/2018 13:18

On the basis that you voluntarily gave up your job before having anything to go to then no I wouldn't expect him to support you tbh - different if not through choice.

MicroManaged · 29/09/2018 13:20

Personally, in our relationship we’d probably be horns locked in raging arguments right now because I would go ballistic if dh upped and left his job before getting another...and likewise the other way around.

All of our money and savings are shared though so it’s a completely different situation.

InertPotato · 29/09/2018 13:22

I wouldn't be too impressed that you quit your job to look for another. Haven't you ever heard that you're way more employable by virtue of being employed?

Original poster

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 13:24

Exactly, I thought it through... I knew I wanted to make a change and I know I have enough savings to support myself for another 6-9monts.. 12 tops if I stretch it out. I wasn't expecting anything and it didn't cross my mind until my friend mentioned.
I know it was brave/foolish voluntarily give up on my job but there were several reasons why I did it ... my old job was stressful and mentally really struggled. I did it for 3 years and I don't think I could have done another month without breaking myself. This lead me to the career change thought which I am desperately try to follow through

OP posts:

IABURQO · 29/09/2018 13:24

Everyone's relationship and circumstances are different; what works for one couple won't work for another. In my relationship, I'd be paying because I pay the bills; if my DH had money then he'd pay. If you feel that you want some financial support then ask him, but if you don't need the help then no need to ask. Is the issue that he hasn't thought to ask how you're coping and whether you need anything, rather than that you actually need anything?

Original poster

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 13:26

Just to clarify we don't have anything shared... I am not taking any money from him by being unemployed.

OP posts:

Juells · 29/09/2018 13:40

The friend's brain works very hard to find a way to put you down no matter what you're doing. Doesn't it?

Ditch the friend 😁

Greggers2017 · 29/09/2018 13:44

You gave your job up without having another to go to.
No way should he support you.
If it was redundancy or I'll health I'd understand. But you chose to give it up

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 29/09/2018 13:47

I'm married know children) and we have separate finances. My job is more insecure (short term contracts) and we've always put in the same amount each. It has caused problems and both of us have felt hard done to at times, I try and save up enough to cover spells of unemployment. It has caused resentment on both our parts on occasion, that we've not been able to go on holiday as a couple or whatever or seeing your partner spending big on leisure items and generally having a nice life whilst you are desperately trying to cover your share of the bills caused problems.

InertPotato · 29/09/2018 13:49

I'd find it unbearable if my husband told me he couldn't deal with the stress of his job and quit without some seriously extenuating circumstances. When people say this, I normally just think they're excusing themselves from the kind of work-related stress that most everyone has to deal with.

But people who think like me tend to land with other people who think like me. Maybe he thinks otherwise.

Heismyopendoor · 29/09/2018 13:54

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice at all.

If my finances were like that and I left voluntarily I would not have expected my DP to pay or support me.

elessar · 29/09/2018 13:58

I don't think anything is particularly unreasonable in this situation but honestly if you're paying him rent which he uses to pay the mortgage (and you're not getting any part of a share of the house) I do think it would be a kind gesture of him not to charge you this cost whilst you're out of work, assuming he was paying the full mortgage previously to you moving in.

That said personally I wouldn't be comfortable paying rent to a partner who was paying a mortgage if I wasn't getting any sort of share of the house.

Original poster

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 14:05

Honestly for the nasty commenters such as @InertPotato you don't know what type of stress I have went through. And it wasn't the question... I have been taking full responsibility for all my choices and again I did not and have not asked for any financial support. I just had a conversation with that friend and that made me think and I asked how it works in other relationships. Your comment was unnecessary and mean.

@elessar I did think about that. But saying that if I didn't pay him rent I would be paying someone else rent. I am fine with it for now. Possibly when moving next time we would get joint mortgage but for now I am fine with it.

OP posts:

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 29/09/2018 14:08

I do think it would be a kind gesture of him not to charge you this cost whilst you're out of work, assuming he was paying the full mortgage previously to you moving in.

That said personally I wouldn't be comfortable paying rent to a partner who was paying a mortgage if I wasn't getting any sort of share of the house.

An extra person brings extra costs, loss of single person discount on ct, extra heat, light etc. especially if the partner isn't working full time. He could have also had a lodger to help pay the mortgage.

Of course you are quite entitled to feel uncomfortable contributing to a mortgage without an interest in the property, but if you've not stumped up the buying costs, paid to maintain or improve it, why should the op's partner who she's lived with for a relatively short period hand over a share of it. Financially the OP is getting a pretty good deal, if she doesn't want to pay rent towards her boyfriend's mortgage, she can live independently, rent privately and pay rent to cover all of a buy to let buyer's mortgage and then some.

Alicatz66 · 29/09/2018 14:13

You need to be careful .. never get too comfortable and watch your own back .. you never know what is round the corner ..it's not cynical , it's life .

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