To feel apprehensive about going to Mum and baby groups

[chilledteacher]

Ok, apologies in advance if this turns into a long post. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want to ramble.
I'm currently on maternity leave with DS3 (6 weeks). Professionally i am a very confident person and will chat to anyone, lead school assemblies, have parents and other professionals in my office to discuss matters and have even been known to stand up to Ofsted on occasion. However, this is an act and actually I am an incredibly shy person and in my personal life I have little interaction out of drooping DS (8) off at school.

When DS1 was a baby, I tried really hard to attend a baby group but lasted 3 weeks as I found it clique and intimidating, I struggled to talk to other mums and found no one would talk to me. With DS2 I attended a baby massage class which was good (I think because there was a focus for me to concentrate on) and occasionally I would stay and try to mingle at the baby weigh in group but on most occasions, nerves got the better of me and I would leave as soon as he had been weighed.

I really want to try with DS3, it's the first time we've been in the financial position of being able to afford me taking a year off work which is a long time to be isolated. I've found a group local to me and the Facebook page looks lovely. But I'm really scared, what if I get ignored by the other Mums? How do I put myself out there and be brave at my first session?

I've tried discussing with DH but he's as shy as me and doesn't understand why I would want to put myself in a position I am uncomfortable in. I just don't want DS3 to get bored or not interact with other babies.

Please help! :)

[Disabrie22]

Could you email the organiser and tell her how you feel so she could look out for you and introduce you to people?

[HouseQueen101]

I feel the same about playgroups. Some are great and some are horrible. You’ll feel better for atleast trying though, could you go and ask you DH to call you 20mims in, with a pretend leak or something, that way you can leave if you aren’t enjoying it without feeling awkward? I’ve found the church based groups are more friendly, do try and go, I’ve made two best friends from a playgroup x

[mintich]

I was nervous the first few times. But when you get talking to people, you realise everyone feels that way! The more you go, the more comfortable you'll feel so book some classes and make yourself go!

[Stupomax]

But I'm really scared, what if I get ignored by the other Mums? How do I put myself out there and be brave at my first session?

What if they do ignore you?

Take a magazine or read your phone. Cuddle your baby. Have a cup of tea. Enjoy being out of the house.

Keep going.

If you're not there, no one can talk to you. If you are there, then at least there's a chance of it happening.

Chances are everyone will want to coo over your baby and you're just imagining the worst.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Most places offer a trial so you can go once and if it's cliquey or you get a bad vibe you can just run off afterwards and don't have to see anyone again!

I didn't do many classes but always found swimming quite good - an activity to focus on and people seemed friendly but there wasn't any sitting around chatting and feeling awkward

I think it's easier when the babies are younger if you join any v young baby groups as everyone is at the same stage so you all have things to talk about

Or...you could join something like mush and start something yourself! Like suggest a walk and a coffee at a local park. With everyone being brand new it definitely wouldn't be cliquey!

[Thingsthatgo]

The thing about toddler groups is that you all have something in common, and parents generally love talking about their offspring! It’s not difficult to start a conversation with a mum or dad, just ask them about their children. I would sometimes compliment an item of clothing ‘your dd has such cool boots! Where are they from?’
At a lot of toddler groups I found mums liked to talk about their birth experiences or lack of sleep! Eventually you move onto more interesting topics

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

Did you meet any mums with your first babies? I did but had lost touch. Turned out a couple had a second at the same time as me. We'd met in large groups the first theme but got on much better one on one the second time

[Jellyfishtenticles]

I was exactly the same at first. I tried a few groups, some I felt more comfortable with some less. But even the ones I felt more comfortable with I think the first week or two I only exchanged a few comments with people and mostly just played with my baby. Then each week as people started to recognise me and say hello I felt a bit braver and would chat more. It took a few months to feel really settled in, but now there are a few I really love, and often stay for lunch after the group with other mums. So if you get a friendly vibe, it's definitely worth persevering even if you don't get chatting much at first.

For some reason I found it much easier to settle into toddler and baby groups rather than specific baby groups. Maybe I felt less pressure to chat immediately if most other people were running around after toddlers?

I think the best ice breaker is commenting on a cute outfit!

[Racecardriver]

I just don't go out of principle. Not my idea of fun. But meeting parents on playgrounds works really well.

[AgentCooper]

Bless you OP, I felt the same and was so afraid. The thing I found most helpful was to join a group that was just starting a new block or term so it would be less likely that everyone would know each other (or at least I'd probably not be the only newbie). I went to the Daisy Foundation's Tinies then Wrigglers, and met lovely women there who I'm still in touch with (DS is nearly one). We were all new to the group and the venue had its own cafe, which made it much simpler to suggest having coffee or just plonk myself down and see who turned up!

That was in contrast to a music class we did where you could join at any point, so those people who wanted to socialise already knew each other, and everyone else got in their cars and left at the end!

[Lindah1]

I second trying mush. Have met a couple of really good friends on there.you can always arrange to have your first meet at a baby group.

[LoopyLou1981]

I was terrified when I had dc1 but forced myself to go. Out of maybe 25-30 people I met over a few different clubs I’ve made 3 really good friends. It’s a bit like speed dating but with frazzled mums and no alchol. You sort of have to make a snap choice on who you think you’re going to get on with a run with it.
I found music groups quite good because you’ve got something to do that’s not focused on talking to other people then 20 minutes at the end for a cup of tea and a quick chat so, if you don’t find anyone to talk to, you’re not there on your own for a whole hour.
Plus, the second time around, I was more confident and would try and make sure I tried to talk to any newbies in the group because I know how scary it is the first time x

[user1471426142]

Some are better than others. I enjoyed the ones that were predominately based around an activity. It didn’t matter then if you made friends in the class or not as it was all about the babies. I did make friends but really it was over coffee or lunch afterwards. I hated baby sensory with a passion. It was structured as activity, free play and chat then activity. Mine was full of Nct groups that were best friends so the free play section was painful and awkward as I was the lone one not in a pre-existing group. That format is probably ok if everyone doesn’t know each other but hideous if they do.

[CaptainCorrigan]

I tried going to a few but I just couldn't make it work and when I thought about it they weren't really any benefit to me just something I felt I was supposed to do. The only thing I had in common with most people was a baby and I didn't want to talk about babies when I was trying to get out of the house!

[Di11y]

I find it's the smaller booked classes that you make friends because you see the same people week in week out. I did baby yoga and hartbeeps. And if you want to do baby swimming there was a massive waiting list for our council pool, shorter for the £££ waterbabies classes.

[luckyleeds]

It is like dating. If you're brave I find that can pay off. As pp have said, any question about their baby can be an ice breaker. Age, name, cute dress, how much sleep you got last night. Then if I'm feeling extremely brave I even ask to swap numbers and go for a coffee and no one has turned me down yet!! I think everyone is in the same boat and just wants some company. Good luck you'll be fine

[PedunculatedPolp]

I am a regular on the playgroup circuit and have been for 6 years in 3 different cities. All playgroups have a different feel to them. I like church playgroups best as the volunteers who make the tea etc. are usually lovely older people who love to chat and make a fuss of the babies. They also look out for newbies and try and introduce them to people. My top tips are smile and try and remember the baby's name and say they have a cute outfit or lovely eyes etc. and even if you have an amazing sleeper always downplay it....

Are you in a big city?

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

If no-one talks to you just try a different group the next week. In my area the children's centre is brilliant and if you get familiar with the staff there they all look after you at groups and help you met people. I am really shy and awkward in situations like this but remember EVERYONE is in the same boat especially if you find a group for non walking babies.

I agree with a pp you could email the organisers or when you arrive just say something like, "this is my first time and I am a bit nervous!" If they are any good they will introduce you to someone. If you find its rubbish you can leave early and find another group week after.

[Rufus27]

Maybe it’s a teacher thing? I am exactly the same OP! I went to one group where the mums all discussed the merits of breastfeeding and birth stories. I spent the whole time feeling like a fake (I’m an adoptive mum) and have never returned. I also hated the fact I was at least a decade older than any other mum in the room and the only one not perfectly manicured.

I’ve given up feeling guilty about this and instead enjoy a less direct way of socialising - I just take the DC to a few local play cafes and small parks and seem to get chatting to mums in a more natural way. Ditto visiting small local libraries.

[bridgetreilly]

If you go and no one talks to you, well you don't go back. But if you don't go, you'll never know. If it were me, though, I'd be looking for something more like the baby massage - could you try a baby signing class, or something like that?

[chilledteacher]

Thanks everyone for the lovely advice. I've joined mush and have emailed the person running the baby group I've seen, I'll let you know how I get on next week :)

[Lindah1]

Looking forward to hearing how you get on x

[redshiv]

Your local children's centres should run stay and play sessions. The staff should always come and have a chat which is a bit easier than striking up a conversation with a randomer!

[redshiv]

Also, have a look if there's a baby sensory group near you. My baby loves it. Classes are structured activities with a free play break in the middle so you can chat if you feel brave or focus on giving baby a play/change/feed if you feel like hiding (that's what I did when was feeling anxious)
All the other groups we do (pretty much one a day to stave off pnd!) don't have a break in the middle so the only chance to chat is at the end which I think is harder as babies are tired/mums have to rush off etc