To feel shit Picking my baby up from nursery

[lisabeesa]

My baby loves nursery. When we pick him up he either looks straight through us as if we are not there or runs away. We always have to catch him to get him.

Today he ran away then my husband picked him up and he started bucking and crying. Then when we got him outside and put him down he ran back over to the door crying trying to open it to get back in

AIBU to be worried/ pissed about this?

Once we are home he is fine but it's bloody embarrassing!!!

Tell me I'm not the only one please

[JellyBears]

All kids do this :) the toddler I look after went through a phase of crying when daddy came home. Also the other day she cried when her mum pretended to walk out the door with her on the way to work because she wanted to stay and play with me.

[StringyPotatoes]

Sounds like a happy, healthy little boy to me (early years worker!)

The fact that he's happy to leave you probably means that he sees you as reliable, dependable, predictable.

"Mummy goes away sometimes but she's always there when I need her. And if she isn't someone else will take care of me. Because I know Mummy will always be there I can wander away and explore and meet new people and when I come back Mummy will STILL be there!"

The upset at going home might be because he struggles with the transition. Stopping playing and being asked to do something he's not prepared for could be causing him anxiety.
Might the nursery allow you to stay for 10mins or so to play alongside him and give him a countdown: 10mins...5mins...2mins...1min....home time!!
He can mentally prepare then and feel like he has time to finish what he's doing.

[StringyPotatoes]

Oh, and in relation to attachment types: that's in a "strange situation". Doesn't count for a place he's been attending for a year with familiar people!

[JellyBears]

How old is your child and when did he start nursery? He is happy at nursery because he feels safe and secure. It’s a good thing!

[spiderlight]

Don't overthink it. Nursery is full of other kids and loads of toys, and a lot of young children struggle with transitions, especially if they're tired after a long stimulating day - I carried my son wailing out of friends' houses until he was about 6!

[SometimesMaybe]

DD cried when being dropped off and rushed to see me.
DS ran off without a backwards look and would come under duress. Of the two DS is the one with the most secure attachment, confidence and independence. It’s a lot about personality not love for the parent.

If you are particularly worried about your personal attachment could you do some things to help build it? Pick him up early a few days and go for an ice cream / trip to library. Spend some time at the weekend with him away from his dad.

[Notagainmun]

I am a childminder and I have seen this loads of times. My youngest DS did this for quite a while at nursery too. It is perfectly normal in most cases. If he is happy at home and at nursery and is only playing up at handovers I wouldn't worry.

[lisabeesa]

Stringy does that mean strangers in an unfamiliar place?

[littlebillie]

When I picked mine up from school they always cried

[RainbowGlitterFairy]

OP it is totally normal for nursery age, it just shows he is happy there. He probably just doesn't want to leave because he hasn't finished having fun yet.

@Butterflykissess I work with children with autism, a lot of them do this, some will have been saying they want to go home all afternoon, parents turn up and suddenly they don't want to leave. Please don't take it personally, the transition from school to home is just harder for a child with autism than it is for most 7 year olds.

[Els1e]

My niece did this. My sister in law would go to pick her up and my niece would hide in the Wendy house and refuse to come out. Made it very clear she wanted to stay at the nursery. She is now 19 and has a great relationship with her parents. She has always loved going to school and is now at university.

[KoshaMangsho]

You might be overthinking it. I had a very sensitive clingy baby who once he was settled at the CM’s never wanted to come home. It was far too exciting (and he got to watch more TV...). I remember one day I worked like a maniac to finish early and pick him up and he wasn’t remotely bothered and was quite cross. By 2 he was happily running off to the CM. He’s always hated strangers and strange situations. I have never doubted my attachment to him. I still get lovely snuggles from him and he’s in Y1.

[Theclockstruck2]

I think almost all children struggle with transitions. Any moving of one place/activity to the next. That’s why they don’t want to go to the park/get in the bath etc etc and then don’t want to leave/get out. This behaviour sounds totally normal, I bet he is just busy and settled at nursery and in that moment doesn’t want to leave, but then when it’s done and he’s home he’s happy again! Children are never in control of the timings of these transitions so they try to regain control by digging their heels in abit. Please don’t worry.

[lisabeesa]

Thanks everyone

I feel much better now

Tip: don't google secure attachment when you're feeling bad about your parenting skills

[Meringues4breakfast]

Could it be that we just want to hear what makes us feel better? What about the child? I have read a bit about the attachment issues and have worried myself at times if my kids were securely attached to me, as their primary care giver.
I think “normal” is now skewed since so many children are in childcare from a young age. But that doesn’t change the reality of the emotional stress faced by babies or toddlers when separated from their primary care giver or in a busy childcare environment.

[Meringues4breakfast]

Not saying that all babies/toddlers in childcare are stressed by the way. But surely we must admit that for some it’s tough emotionally.

[lisabeesa]

Meringues absolutely I have considered this. I've considered it upwards downwards sideways diagonal and back again

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't

All we can do is what we feel to be the right thing at the time that we do it

To me I could never be a SAHM I want more than that and I love my work

I have no family to look after him

I've reduced my hours from 40-30 so work/ life balance is improved

I have other DCS and I make big efforts to spend time with each alone plus husbands when my parents are around for the odd weekend away (2-3 times a year)

I'm doing what I feel to be the best for all of us xxxxx

[lisabeesa]

Husband

Not husbands

[StringyPotatoes]

@lisabeesa
Yes. The signs of secure/insecure attachments are based on how a child reacts when left with strangers in an unfamiliar environment.

Children can form multiple attachments so it's natural that your DS will be upset at leaving his key person/nursery staff because he has an attachment to them. But, whilst he has a strong attachment to you and knows that you come back, his attachment to the staff is not as strong so perhaps he is afraid that he may not see them again or similar?

It's also worth noting that attachment styles are not just about how you parent. It has a lot to do with the child's personality. As adults we could have had the most perfect parents in the world and still be shy/introverted/homesick etc which are all "symptoms" of insecure attachments. It's a spectrum. Your DS could just be innately unbothered by your absence! As long as he's not scared or dissociative around you then you're probably okay!

@Meringues4breakfast
Yes, childcare can be stressful for some children but it takes a village to raise a child. Children have always been left with kindly neighbours, in Oran's on doorsteps to be watched by older children etc and survived!
You only have to be a "good enough" parent for your child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.

[StringyPotatoes]

*prams, not O'rans. Don't even know what that is...

[backinaminute]

I've had similar from my 5yo DS tonight, he was grim on the way home from the cm and then horrible to his brother at home. He then got into bed and was weepy and wanted lots of cuddles - I think sometimes they just can't process their emotions. I've had a couple of days of extra long hours, dp (their dad is away) and it's his way of telling me that he's not happy about it. I think they just go through phases, he sounds completely normal to me. I think this guilt is just par for the course for working parents.

[Meringues4breakfast]

Lisabeesa
Sounds like you are very thoughtful and attentive, and you’re children are loved. Life is never straightforward and, whilst I’m a SAHM I do not think that I am a better parent because of it. Sometimes I think our family life and the kids would be better if I worked a bit and had more other folk that the kids had bonded with. It gets very intense being at home with them and that can take its toll on our relationships too.
I suppose I tend to get frustrated when parents gloss over uncomfortable truths about their kids/childcare etc but in reality kids go thro attachments issues in all settings. As stringypot said we just need to be “good enough” and make the best of our own situations.

Stringypots
Good point, well said.

[harshbuttrue1980]

It sounds like you have chosen a lovely nursery, and he is attached to his key worker. Totally natural and normal, as she is the person who looks after him day to day. Nursery will help to make him independent and not the sort of child who clings to your apronstrings, and will prepare him for school. He will still love you too - there is plenty of room in the hearts of children to love their mum as well as a childcarer, and he'll grow up with the great example of having a working mum and not just see a woman's role as doing housework.

[dcy1309]

I always seem to think nursery is a waste of time in my opinion

[TheOriginalEmu]

My daughter is 11 and still tells me straight to my face that her cm is ‘much better at mummying’ than me.