Secret scan jitters

[Tyrrel]

DP and I are having our first baby together. He already has a son and is desperate for a girl. We decided not to find out the sex, as he's said he would be disappointed if he found out it was another boy at the scan. What a shit position to put me in. I want to know the sex, I don't want him to know I know as he will analyse every single thing I say, it'll become a 'thing' and will take some of the joy away. He has put me in this position, so I'm booked in tomorrow morning for a scan to find out the sex without him knowing. Am I a bad person for doing this? I have one last chance to cancel the scan but don't want to go through the next 20+ weeks feeling like I currently do, worrying about if it's a boy or girl.

[Fruitcorner123]

NambiBambi i remember that thread too you are not going mad!!!

[Lmj25]

Did you find out?😬

[Usernameunknown2]

Are you worried that if its a boy he will be a twat and react badly and you want to be prepared and get extra support for around your due date?

[ICantCopeAnymore]

Definitely read this thread a few days ago.

[Candlelight123]

Firstly I do not understand how on earth your DH would be disappointed with a healthy baby of any sex, it seems so wrong to me to say that ... but say you do go ahead with the scan are you really going to be done to keep it a secret for the next 20 weeks? Do you not think there's a risk you may blurt it out?

[PotteringAlong]

If I was your DH I’d be absolutely furious that you found out in secret and didn’t tell me. As it’s a secret I assume you’ve agreed not to find out and are going back on that. You agreed, stick to it. Or tell him you are finding out. Don’t do it like this.

[MrsBobDylan]

I think not being able to tell your partner you want to know because you are worried he will be unhappy if it's a boy, indicates far bigger problems with your relationship than the sex of your baby.

I just can't get past someone being 'desperate' for a boy/girl when practically everything else is more important. What do those people do if they find out their child is disabled or has a life limiting illness? Do they still mourn the boy/girl they never had? It just feels so self indulgent.

[MrsOsM]

Will finding out influence the things you buy? I'm currently 20 weeks and have been told at 2 scans it's a girl so have bought a couple of pink things, not much because I have a lot of things left from when DD was a baby. If DH didn't know the gender he would definitely have noticed I was buying pink and know why that was.

[jaseyraex]

I was told my first baby was a girl... she came out with a penis I know they're fairly accurate these days but mistakes do happen!
My DH would really like a girl but I'm pregnant with our third boy. I think he was probably a little disappointed although he never said it out loud. Are you going to tell your DP what the sex is? It could be easier for him to wrap his head round it as such and get over the disappointment if it turns out to be a boy. I would hate my partner to be potentially disappointed on the day baby was born.

[Luisa27]

Good luck

[OneStepSideways]

If you find out and it's another boy, at least you can gently prepare him by saying you 'feel' like you're carrying a boy.

[VileyRose]

Good luck x

[BlueJava]

blackbunny is right - they can get it wrong. We spent all of my pregnancy expecting twin girls... had twin boys. (We didn't mind either way),

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I'm having deja vu.

[blackbunny]

Every time someone posts about knowing/not knowing, finding out/not finding out, I always think "what if they get it wrong at the scan?" It's possible. It would be a bit shit to go through the pregnancy confident baby is one sex then give birth to the other, wouldn't that mess with your head?

[Dietcokebreak2]

Drknittingfrog

He thinks I'm a witch

[Drknittingfrog]

Diet Coke so you can check the sex of babies already conceived by just thinking about it? Does you hubby know how babies work? 😂😂😂 Anyway first child I wanted to know and hubby did not so I found out and did not tell him (made sure to buy anything in neutral colours or to hide anything that was not). Second baby... He wanted again a surprised but I explained for the sake of making things ready for our little boy it would be nice to know what was coming (a little brother). 18 months later big brother still tells me he had really wanted a little sister. Tough! 🤣

[Mousefunky]

If I’m being totally honest, he shouldn’t be procreating if he has a huge sex preference and would be ‘disappointed’ in a son as there are obviously no guarantees. I feel sorry for both you and your possible DS if it transpires to be a boy.

I don’t think this a good idea. You will likely end up blurting it out at some stage or another. I know most people buy ‘gender neutral’ baby items anyway but the temptation may be too unreal to purchase so-called boy/girl stuff and he may see and realise. I don’t know, sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me.

[NambiBambi]

Sorry, my mistake then. It must have been another poster with a pretty much identical issue.

[Dietcokebreak2]

I was in the exact same position. Dh has son from previous relationship and desperately wanted a girl.

From the start I said I was sure baby was a boy and although I also had a preference to a girl I was sure baby was a boy.

Test came through, little boy. My husband said I jinxed it.

It was a bit twatty of him but actually he doesn't love our son any less for it. It was also forgotten pretty quick.

Get the test and if its a girl keep it quiet, if its a boy tell your dh so he can get used to the fact your having a boy.

[cheeseandchoc]

Will he just be as upset to find out its a boy at the birth??
Think he needs a reality check, you get what you are given, and should be happy with a healthy baby.
Concerning the scan, not sure I'd be able to keep the secret for so long, what if it is a girl, would you be wanting to tell him then?

[RomeoBunny]

@Tyrrel yes you have. I read the post the other day and even commented on it. You were asking what to do.

Find out. You want to know.

I don't care what anyone else says, and don't understand how women in particular can take the viewpoint of the husbands want to 'not know' trumps the women who is pregnant and has to give birth. Fuck that.

Also your partner is a manchild and you should be telling him that. He should just be happy he has a healthy baby.

[easterholidays]

Plenty of people don't have the scan I mean, rather than don't worry - although plenty of people do neither!

Agree he's putting you in a shitty position.

[easterholidays]

Why would you be "worrying" about whether it's a boy or a girl, if you don't have the scan? Plenty of people don't, regardless of whether or not they want one sex or the other.

And wouldn't worrying about letting the cat out of the bag for the next 20 weeks be more stressful than not knowing the sex of the baby?

If I were you I'd cancel the scan and discuss it with your DP again. Keeping the secret seems like the worst possible option, with the added risk of it all blowing up when you let it slip.

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Wow, that poor baby. Imagine if you found out your dad didn’t care about the new person coming into the world, just whether they have a penis or not. And then all the assumptions that go along with that. I guess if she’s a girl she’ll be expected to run around in pink skirts and be ever so gentle and adore her wonderful daddy as she skips through violets and hugs bunnies or some such.

And yes, it is a shit position to put you in and an awful thing to say to you. I would find out if I were you, but I’d go right ahead and tell him. As though it’s not hard enough having a new born baby, if it’s a boy he wants to add on the stress of thinking your partner doesn’t even want the child?