Help me find a bit of space in the morning routine!

[Aranchini]

I need a bit of headspace in the morning. This has always been the case and for me is a non-negotiable as I end up feeling like I'm trapped inside a chaotic whirlwind unless I have a bit of space to get myself ready and prepared for the day. It genuinely makes me feel ill otherwise.
I need around 30 minutes.
Some parents may call this a luxury, I know, and I can understand why, but this is something I genuinely need to be able to function.
DH and DD are both chatterboxes and I find the chatter hugely overwhelming first thing in the morning. When DD was a baby, I moved a chest of drawers and a mirror to the box room just so I could have a bit of peace whilst drying my hair and getting dressed in the mornings. This has worked well for me for the last 3 years, DH kept DD away from the room whilst I was getting ready.
We now have a baby and I've had to move my drawers and mirror back into our room to make space for baby's things. It will eventually be baby's room too.
I am finding the mornings dreadful, besides asking DH a number of times to take DD into her room in the morning whilst I get myself ready.
Obviously not getting a lot of sleep with a newborn so getting up before the DCs wake isn't an option for me right now.
DH is very difficult to get out of bed in the morning so when DD comes in to us, he puts on the TV and snoozes whilst baby cries, DD talks etc. I go to have a shower for 10 minutes, come back and everyone is still piled into our room. DH is usually sitting up in bed at this point and wants to tell me about the neighbours dog, his friend's new car or something else I don't want to think about. I feel claustrophobic as there are way too many of us piled into our room (for me) whilst I'm trying to get ready.
I then end up asking DH 2-3 times to get DD ready in her room or set her up with something to play with in her room whilst I do my hair/get dressed/apply a bit of makeup etc. But by the time I've finsihed he's only just leaving the room to get DD ready, which he could have done whilst I was getting myself ready in peace.
He's always running late so by the time we all get downstairs, he's chaotically pacing around with his bowl of cereal (he leaves the house before I do the school run) and it sends my anxiety through the roof.
I find myself unable to speak or even look at him in the morning as it infuriates me that he can't motivate himself a bit more to get things moving, leading to a calmer morning.
I have asked him quite a number of times now to get out of bed sooner. Sometimes, he will sleep downstairs if baby is awake a lot during the night, then come upstairs in the morning and get back into our bed as I'm getting in the shower. He doesnt see why this is an issue as he does get go work on time despite the chaos as he's leaving, but for me, I'm finding it unbearable. I know it can be a part of what mornings are all about with kids, but I really need to find my 30 minutes of getting ready space somewhere to keep me sane.
Any ideas?
AIBU to expect DH to get out of bed in the mornings as I get ready rather than him having both DCs in our room as I try to get ready myself? Is there an alternative if this is the case?

[cadburyegg]

YABU to be honest.

You don’t need to shower in the morning you can shower later. You don’t need to put make up on to do the school run. You can have quiet time later when the baby sleeps - your DH works all day.

I have a 3yo and a newborn so I know how tough it is (school run excepting) but lower your expectations a bit. I shower when I can find a spare 10 minutes to do so, it doesn’t have to be at the same time every day.

[GalwayWayfarer]

I think the only feasible solution is you getting up earlier. If it's time that you need (rather than just want) then it must be worth it.

[Fatted]

My DH is up and out before I even get out of bed in the morning! So that makes my life a bit easier.

I do as much as I can the night before, so if I'm off work I'll shower and wash my hair in the evening. I set my alarm for 6 and refuse to let the kids out of their room until 7. We still have a stairgate that gets locked at night and neither of them have worked out how to climb over it yet! They have plenty of toys etc they can amuse themselves with for an hour if they are already awake when I get up.

I don't wear make up unless I'm going to work or fancy making an effort. I do straighten my hair which can take a bit of time. I have all my wardrobe organised so I can just grab stuff and go.

When DS2 was a baby he'd have a feed about 5 and I'd just stay up then after settling him back down to sleep.

I've always worked shifts so DH and I have always been used to going to bed at different times. Especially when we had young babies. I honestly don't understand why it's a big deal. You need to decide what's most important, a relaxed morning or that time together at night because evidently both isn't working for you.

[Chipsahoy]

I hear you. I get very overwhelmed by noise and such in the morning. It's part of my ptsd. I need my getting ready time to sort of recover from night time and to slowly prepare for noise etc.
Luckily my Dh is very understand g and supporting and we've worked it out between us after lots of trial and error and tons of therapy for me.
My DC are only allowed in our room briefly in the morning. Otherwise they get themselves dressed. It helps that they are older now. I get up thirty mins before everyone though and I shower and get dressed. I tend to wake the DC once I've done makeup and got dressed.
Dh has a shower before they wake also. Then he takes them down and starts breakfast and pack lunches whilst I do my hair. Then I join him and help get everything sorted. We all eat together and then I do the school run.
. However I now have a newborn so things have had to change slightly and it's an adjustment period for sure.

[PositiveVibez]

Just get up earlier. If you have to go to bed earlier, so be it. But I really don't think you should tell another adult what time to go to bed.

The reasons he gives about rebelling against going to bed because he didn't like going to bed when he was a child is frankly, a bit pathetic.

If he looks and feels as exhausted as you say, then that's his own tough titties.

[Highhigh1982]

If you really want it, then you will go to bed earlier rather than making a big fuss over fact you’ll have to go to bed at 8.30/9 and miss out on couple time. The irritation you’re displaying with your husband, I don’t suppose “couple time” is all that pleasant between the two of you.

Get up half hour earlier, go to bed half hour later.

[Lethaldrizzle]

Thats the chaos of family life im afraid. Go to bed earlier get up earlier. Don't dry your hair. Wear less or no make up. You make choices in life and you can't blame others.

[LannieDuck]

I may have misunderstood your routines, but could you not take the kids downstairs earlier and get them started before you do your hair/make up. Then when your DH finally emerges, leave them with him while he eats his breakfast, and you go back upstairs to do your hair etc?

[sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit]

Sorry but I agree. Yabu. And I thought that before I clocked that you're at home during the day. And your DH has to leave for work before you leave.

Those thirty minutes are a luxury you'll get back when your kids are older. And... Why on earth are you spending so much time getting ready just to do the school run? I do not get that at all.

[MatildaTheCat]

Why on earth do you need to do hair and makeup early in the morning with a newborn? Write a list of stuff that has to happen such a feeding DC1 their breakfast and getting them to school and then cross off anything that can be done later when you feel more human.

I’d lock myself in the bathroom with a cup of tea and have a quick wash, dab of tinted moisturiser and hair brushed into a ponytail or tidy. Pop on clothes laid out the night before then sit outside or even with the window open for five minutes and breathe deeply.

Fit other stuff in later on.

[Cornettoninja]

I'm another who has to wash hair/shower in the evening because it just doesn't fit in with our mornings otherwise.

If you do all that the night before, strip wash or super quick shower and dress then get ready down stairs (which would be my preference anyway to be honest - access to coffee!) you might be able to do it.

You don't need a chest of drawers, just a make up bag, small decent mirror and your hair styling stuff. Get a plastic box so it can be tided away easily.

[FusionChefGeoff]

You need to go to bed earlier and get up before everyone else.

Put your own oxygen mask on first - if this is important to you, you have to make it work and compromise on an evening with DH.

[OneStepSideways]

I get where you're coming from but I think you're being quite unreasonable. Why do you need to shower, do your hair etc first thing when you're not going to work? Can you not do it in the evening and just have a quick freshen up shower/sink wash in the mornings? Or shower when the baby naps?

I think you're being a bit selfish expecting your DH to keep your DD out of your way every morning and get her ready. It's the busiest time of day for most families. You don't need to be showered and groomed for the school run. I know being home with a newborn is stressful but you get breaks when they nap.

When my DD was a baby, mornings were about getting everyone fed, dressed and out the door on time. On mornings I was working I gave her to DH while I had a quick shower then did my make up and hair in the lounge while she played around my feet. On mornings I wasn't working I tried to make things go as smoothly as possible for DH (giving him some time to wake up, setting his breakfast out, packing his lunch etc). Of course I would have loved 30 mins alone time (who wouldn't) but you learn to adapt.

I admit I hate talking in the mornings and need some space, but with kids you often can't have that. You just get through the morning mayhem as best you can, supporting each other. It makes sense to me that the person who has to get to work on time, get their brain in gear, look professional etc should get priority in the mornings.

[Nodancingshoes]

Well my dh leaves at 6 so no chance of any 'me' time in the mornings! I tend to get up when he does so I've got time to get ready - shower, dry hair, slap on abit of make up - and then wake kids up

[Aranchini]

Thankyou those who have shared your morning routines. Its been really helpful and given me a lot to think about. I think its made me realise that perhaps we are not giving DC1 enough independence in the mornings or expecting enough if her. She's almost 4.
We don't expect her to dress herself, brush her own teeth and we dont have a 7am rule which I think would help enormously as sometimes, she's in our room by 6am demanding breakfast.
Your morning routine is inspirational 8th month!
Do groclocks actually make a difference? I'm concerned that if she couldn't come in to us, she'd be shouting us from her bedroom and possibly wake the baby after a long sleepless night.

[weekfour]

Do the school run in your gym kit. You don’t have to wear makeup! Then come home and have a leisurely shower when baby naps. Bliss.

[Littleredboat]

I think you’re just really sleep deprived, both of you, and this is seeming more insurmountable than it really is.

Start a 7am rule with your 4yo. Stick to it.

Get yourself up 20 mins earlier and go downstairs and make yourself a coffee. Drink it downstairs. Come upstairs, throw clothes on everyone, do school run then come home and have your shower and some more me time then.

[Aranchini]

How to implement the 7am rule if she won't do it? I'm genuinely not sure she will do it even if implemented.

[Littleredboat]

Well how do you implement other areas of discipline? What works generally in your house?

[Aranchini]

The naughty step, but it wouldnt work well in this instance. I may try a groclock, the novelty of it could possibly work for her, or maybe stickers for staying in bed until 7am.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

OP you still haven’t said why you can’t do shower, hair etc later ?

[The8thMonth]

Hello @aranchini,

We've just started using the GroClock again recently as DS2 4 years old would be awake first and yell at his older brother "What time is it?" Waking everyone up in the house regularly between 6am and 6:30am! Too early!

DS2 is learning to read clocks now. We are teaching him at home but he's a bit young so the GroClock works really well because it changes colour when he can come and say good morning to us and it also "counts down" by displaying a number of stars on the face of the clock until it changes colour for the day.

We implemented it by first explaining what we wanted him to do: come say good morning when the colour on the clock changes. Before the colour changes, he is to be quiet and not wake anyone up. He can do this by looking at books or playing with quiet toys. He can get dressed for the day, he can make his bed, etc. Give lots of options. He's allowed to be in other places in the house so long as I don't hear him. He will go and sit on his bean bag or to his play room. Sometimes, he will get his breakfast out of the fridge on his own and eat it at the table. Breakfast is prepared ahead of time and served in a plastic container with lid.

I remind him every night before he goes to sleep what I expect and what reward he gets for doing as he's asked.

If he's done as he's asked, he gets a reward (ie chocolate chip). If I've heard him in the morning, no reward. (i.e. If he's woken me and husband, but it's not screaming or waking up his brother - I'd say DS2 doesn't have very good volume control in general)

If he's too loud in the morning and screaming, I will get up and go to his room and tell him firmly to be quiet. I then say he's not getting his reward today and if I have to come and remind him again then he loses privileges in the evening after school (like 1 of his 2 stories at bedtime, or 30 minutes less of TV or dessert, if there is any. If there are any particular chores around the house that she doesn't like doing... Be creative!) I agree, time outs may be difficult to implement at this time of the day.

It took my DS2 about 2 weeks to catch on to the new regime. He's not screamed "What time is it?" in about 4 weeks. I've not had to leave my room to remind him to be quiet in that time either. At the beginning I was going out regularly to remind him to be quiet.

I also think this won't work if she is getting up any earlier that 6am. I think that expecting them to hang out on their own for more than an hour is not reasonable. If she is up before 6am, it may be worth looking at her nap and bed times to see if you can get her to wake at 6:15 or 6:30am. Then she's only 30-45 minutes quiet on her own.

[Aranchini]

Great ideas 8thmonth 👍
Ive started looking at groclocks amongst other similar ideas.

[OneStepSideways]

OP why is having a shower and doing your hair and make up first thing in the morning so important to you?
I don't understand why you prioritise this over everything else?
What happens if you don't get that uninterrupted time?

Do you not get time to yourself once your DD's at school, your DH at work and the baby having a nap?

[DiplomaticDecorum]

We had a baby monitor where you could switch a light on from the parent unit - I just stuck a crepe paper sun on it and they could get up 'when the sun's awake'.