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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset by this kids teasing/bullying in DD's class

30 replies

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:02

I am ready for the range of opinions that AIBU will produce and that some may be full metal jacket, however, hear me out.

There is a boy in DD10's class and his comments and behaviour over a range of subjects is beyond "Oh kids just do that" In the last few weeks he has been sharing his opinions ab out gay people, that they will burn in hell and God doesn't love them.This lad is an altar boy, daddy gives out communion, teaches catechism. The family have a path beaten up to the church etc etc.

Recently he hurt my DD, pushing her over in the playground, she grazed her knee, ripped a hole in her tights. I know his mum quite well and I contacted her to say, very gently, without any aggression, that there had been an incident and could she ask him for his version just to see how it all balanced out. I got roared at for suggesting such a thing and he denied all and it was all left there.

But today, he has been teasing a boy who's parents are getting divorced and I am so angry.
I was 9 when my dad died and the local TD (MP in Ireland) daughter laughed at me and said she was glad...then denied it which probably explains why my hackles are so far up. They will calm down soon enough but I don't want to let this go any longer but I don;t think I am in any position to to anything.
This lad is an altar boy, daddy gives out communion. The family have a path beaten up to the church.
I have written to the school about his gay comments as yet have no reply, that was about 2 weeks ago.
I realise I have not witnessed his behaviour but other kids in the class have told their mums who have checked it out with me, without prompting. i.e. I didn't know about his gay opinions since january, so there are other sources.
I have urged my daughter to tell the teacher but they are all a bit wary of him as he has such a profile and they don't think they will be believed.
Not much I can do is there? Is it possible the teachers are aware?

OP posts:

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lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:03

There is a paragraph repeated in there. Do forgive and ignore

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DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 17:06

I don't know, is it a church school? religious school?
Does the daddy 'give out communiion' in a church attached to the school?

I don't know how things are in Ireland, but certainly in the UK, this could be construed as 'hate speech'.

But why did you phone the mother yourself? Would it not have been better to let the school deal with it? nobody wants to hear that their darling is an aggressive little shit do they? not from other parents anyway.

DeathStare · 23/02/2018 17:12

The knee incident... I think this is really difficult to resolve. Your DD tells you one story and you believe it 100% and are angry about what she says happened. The other parents, their DS tells them another story and they believe it 100% and are very angry about their DS being accused. Each set of parents believes their own child and is outraged by the other child.

Him sharing his opinions with the others children in school... have a word with the school to let them know, but as they get older your DC are going to be exposed to a whole range of opinions form other children at school. I think all you can do is restate your opinion and give them the confidence to challenge views they find offensive.

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:13

Yes. A faith school and daddy is a governor too as well as ensconsed in the church which is attached to the school.
I suppose no one wants to hear ones preciousness is a rotten little sod but I really wanted to hear his side and I worded it like that but hey ho.

The school is in UK.

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lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:14

The school haven't responded to my email to them about the incident.
It contravenes their guidelines.

Oh I get that as parents we can be blinkered. Which is why I asked the parent for his side of the story. He swore up and down nothing happened. Blank wall.

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Snowysky20009 · 23/02/2018 17:18

Normally you contact the regarding behaviour and they will sort it out. Not contacting parents yourself?

DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 17:19

IME trying to deal directly with parents never ended well.
You really need to get the school to deal with the knee thing.

As for the 'gays are bad' stuff- well it IS a religious school so there will be some children who repeat quite old fashioned views that they hear at home.

You need to teach your children that people DO have different views.
Unless he saying 'gays burn in hell' or some such in which case you would have to bring it up with the school as it would be 'hate speech'.

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:22

The kids have been friends for a long time. Since playgroup. But, I see now that it might have been the wrong route.

he has said gays will burn in hell. I mean, fair enough, not everyone is going to accept alternative life styles and that is the joy of an enlightened society but thats a bit much. And if it is enlightened, he should be challenged shouldn't he?

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OutyMcOutface · 23/02/2018 17:24

While I think that it is ridiculous to suggest the comments that anyone will burn constitute hate speech at all (please look up the act before accusing people of a crime) let alone from a child, I don't think that YABU. This child's behaviour may have been passed off as what kids do 70 years ago but certainly is not passable in this day and age. He clearly has behavioural issues that need to be addressed but not beyond the usual pushing and teasing that is not uncommon at that age. But the sociopolitical angle is very concerning. The things that he is coming out with are very, very extreme. I would consider this a safeguarding issue in the same way that a child saying that it's ok for men to beat their wives or that a terrorist attack was a good thing would be. God only knows what other things his parents may be saying or doing to him.

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:29

I didn't label it hate speech but it does contravene the schools policy of allowing everyone to grow in a tolerant environment etc.
He seems to be ramping up his blatant awfulness.
Is it attention seeking?
The home life is a mess, that much I do know.
THink of John and Mary from Father Ted and that is pretty much how things are behind closed doors.
The usual pushing and teasing
This is what I am thinking about. Has his behaviour gone past the sort of markers that say...he's a bit challenging but its a stage ..into..hair raising.

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DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 17:29

you cant report someone to child services for having dodgy political views, though, can you?

flumpybear · 23/02/2018 17:37

Follow up with the school and say you're concerned his behaviour is ignored because of the father and school/church politics

Also tell your child to say next time he's horrible 'goodness, what will God think of your behaviour! '

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:38

N OldandDull you can't, but the views are like a symptom of something else that I think the school should be taking a look at. The views + the behaviour that is going with them are a red flag.
He is using his views to victimize another kid who is already distressed.

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Sprinklestar · 23/02/2018 17:38

A perfect example of why religion has no place in schools.

Tainbri · 23/02/2018 17:42

You said "this lad is an altar boy, daddy gives out communion. The family have a path beaten up to the church." twice in your original post. Not sure I understand what this in it's self is got to do with your daughter being pushed over etc? Are you saying he is in some way bullied by religion and he's taking it out on your daughter? I would stay well clear of the parents. Put the facts in writing to school but I think you should keep the non factual religious opinions out. (I say this as a total non believer).

DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 17:48

sorry but if you send your child to a church school, there will be some 'dodgy' views expressed.
was there no choice, like church school or nothing in your area?

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:48

Tainbri yeah, that was an editing oversight there and I probably ought to have put that sentence in another paragraph.

I think he comes from a household with a very literal take on church teaching and I get the feeling he is conflicted about what he hears as "the Truth" and what he sees going on in the world around him.

My sister is gay. This boy is aware of this and I have wondered if that is why he has pushed my DD around. And as for the kid whos parents are getting divorce, well that is obviously a HUGE no no in his world.

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lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:52

Sprinklestar even if he wasn't in a faith school, he would sill be absorbing this shite from homeand repeating it as an absolute fact.

My DD shares the same RE class with this kid and she can see he is talking rubbish so I don't think the school is underpining any of his ideas as far as I can see. I just wonder if they will do anything to challenge them?

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lolaflores · 23/02/2018 17:55

DullAndOld I don't think I need to defend my choice of school for my child really.
I expect a range of beliefs in any school in the area I live in. Be they fundamentalist Methodist, Muslim, Catholic etc. they are all out there and kids will repeat them, in the playground.

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DullAndOld · 23/02/2018 18:00

well no you don't need to defend it, but if there are children of religious parents, at a church school, repeating old fashioned views, and you don't like this, or find it surprising, maybe you should re think your choice of school.

saoirse31 · 23/02/2018 18:03

The boy pushed your dd because your sister is gay? I think you're way over reaching here....

Your dd is ten, she was pushed, accidentally or not, or fell over, and you rang the other parent .. Slightly odd.

I think you're as invested in your beliefs as boys family are in his.

I don't really see the problem tbh with various children aged ten saying what they think in school... Free speech and all that...

BlindLemonAlley · 23/02/2018 18:08

I would contact the school OP, they should take your concerns seriously regardless of his status with the church. I thought that the church in Ireland had lost its power and influence?

saoirse31 · 23/02/2018 18:21

School is in UK, per op

Tainbri · 23/02/2018 18:29

I think it sounds like your right with your reasons why he's like he is. Sounds like hes been brainwashed doesn't it. Definitely log it in writing with school but keep it factual and evidence based.

lolaflores · 23/02/2018 18:42

Saoirse I really don't know how you can define where or what my belife system is based on never having met me, but thats the internet for you.

I don't think I said her pushed her over because my sister is gay, I said I wondered.

I expect a range of beliefs in any school in the area I live in. Be they fundamentalist Methodist, Muslim, Catholic etc. they are all out there and kids will repeat them, in the playground.
that is from a paragraph higher up. YOu may not have read it properly.

Personally, I don't think it is odd to ring another parent to ask for a clearer version of events
.Recently he hurt my DD, pushing her over in the playground, she grazed her knee, ripped a hole in her tights. I know his mum quite well and I contacted her to say, very gently, without any aggression, that there had been an incident and could she ask him for his version just to see how it all balanced out. I got roared at for suggesting such a thing and he denied all and it was all left there.
If that makes it any clearer for you.
Saoirse as to Free Speech...there are limits with that too. Not every statement can be boundaried as untouchable by dint of Free Speech. Teasing a child about his parents divorce? Free Speech?
In what world is that Free Speech?

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