Big row with DH about IL visit - WIBU?

[EmiliaAirheart]

DH and I just had the only big fight where we've gone to bed without resolution, and I feel like it was my fault. Appreciate anyone's perspective - sorry it's long.

DH is from Latin America, and moved here for me. He's had mixed experiences as a migrant, but is settled enough to buy a flat together and TTC. We visit his family every 18-24 months for 4-5 weeks. I'm completely happy to do this. And while I'd prefer not to stay with the ILs, I do it because it's important to him. We visit my siblings (5hrs away) every 6-8 weeks for a weekend, and he comes about 70% of the time because of work.

He said my MIL and SIL are gunning to visit us for a month next year. I was excited for him, and mentally began planning where we can take them, how to apply for their visas, how I can take time off work etc. I mentioned we could travel outside of school holidays to be able to take them around properly, and he took that as me not wanting to spend money on them. I know that we'll pay for everything, and all I was thinking is that if they had flexible travel dates, it would be good to do the same activities more affordably. But then he clarified that there's no flexibility with those dates.

Anyway, the main issue was that later on, I became anxious that theoretically, their visit could fall smack bang on a due date. I stewed on it but decided to be open with him and suggest pausing TTC in the appropriate month to avoid that scenario. My thinking was I'd want to have a great visit with them and I wanted them to come whenever suits them, but I wouldn't want to host visitors for the first few weeks after birth. There's no language barrier, but I'm an independent, introvert and I can imagine what I'd want after a life-changing physical experience. I wouldn't want my own family to stay either.

He got really worked up about it, and said he'd want his family around for support and help for both of us, and that it would be a special experience. Despite everything we talked about, I think he feels like I don't want them to come and that I'm not as family-oriented as he'd like, which is deeply troubling to him.

So as not to dripfeed, I am seeing a psychologist for anxiety and related issues, which stemmed from an awful family breakdown when I was a young adult. I know I have a tendency to catastrophise and it's pointless to get worked up about something that might never happen. But I did, and I've also learned that I do need to speak up instead of panicking by myself.

So - hit me, how badly WIBU? Thanks.

[EmiliaAirheart]

lookingforthecorkscrew, I did have a fleeting thought that I could just go back on the pill for that month without telling him, but I don't think being secretive would've been a better option.

Snowonsnow, you're spot on about Latin culture in this case. I find decision making is always group-based and things that would be perfectly acceptable in my culture would be a heinous rejection in theirs. I'm fine with this, broadly, and would never expect my ILs to stay in a hotel and we pay for everything regardless of whether we visit them or they come here. With my family, we follow my cultural norms.

[PoorYorick]

She meant contraceptive, not MAP. I assume.

[EmiliaAirheart]

CotswoldStrife, we don't because my sister lives with her MIL and has no room, and my brother is young and sharehousing. If they had room, I would - though we only visit for max 2 nights.

[newyearsameme80]

But the OP has suggested leaving off the ttc in the relevant month and that's what he's got upset about.
I'd hate to have someone staying for any month tbf, but definitely not the due date month. If this causes hIm to rethink your relationship then maybe he should move home.

[EmiliaAirheart]

Thanks agbnb. That was really how I was trying to come at it from, but I clearly failed. He as much said that he'd be delighted for my family to visit if the situation were reversed and I was the migrant, even if he'd had major surgery. I don't think he can really comprehend just how hormonal, vulnerable and physically wrung out women can feel after childbirth - nor can I, but I think I'm a lot closer to it, having accumulated decades of hearing other women's experiences!

[EmiliaAirheart]

Though I honestly think he would genuinely be happy to have family around at ^ that time - he just has a very different attitude about things like that.

[chickychickyparmparm]

I think you should just quietly not TTC that month, surely he wouldn't know your ovulation dates! You're overthinking it - but you know that already.

[OlennasWimple]

Don't try to shift your family planning around the visit: honestly, "family planning" is the worst name, because it's almost impossible to plan when you will conceive

[newyearsameme80]

It's pretty easy to plan when you wont conceive though or am I missing something.

[midnightmisssuki]

Sorry - but i think YWBU. Theres planning and then there is PLANNING. Now, i have anxiety, and i am seeing someone about it as well, so i understand where you are coming from. Sub-conciously, do you think you dont want here for that long? I am also of the inclination that perhaps you are not that family orientated and he is (you mention you had a family breakdown). My husband was like this, he comes from a family who just aren't that close and my family are big and very close - there is a middle ground and i think you haven't found it. Try speaking to your husband - ask him how he feels, so far, i think you've made this about you. Good luck.

[HumphreyCobblers]

I would avoid trying to conceive that month. I think it is sensible. You might well get pregnant then. I don't know why people are telling you not to worry as you are not even pregnant yet, if you DO get pregnant then you will have this issue to deal with. Why take the risk?

[EmiliaAirheart]

midnightmisssuki, I appreciate your comment and I'll reflect on how well it applies. The breakdown was when it emerged that my father was a child abuser and my mother supported him instead of the victim. Before that, I was very close to my family and now for obvious reasons all I have are my siblings (we don't have an extended family, grandparents are dead). I love seeing my siblings and nieces/nephews, though I do still prefer shorter visits both as an introvert and to save more of our annual leave for the IL visits. As the eldest and without kids, I carry more of the effort to stay in touch with my siblings. Plus, I spend big chunks of time supporting my DH's relationship with his family. So I wouldn't exactly say I'm not family-oriented - more that how I value family looks different to how he values family, but neither is wrong or right.

[lurkingnotlurking]

Speaking as an Introvert myself, and as one who keeps my own family at longer arm's length than you do yours, I can only say that yanbu. Yanbu because this is how you feel and you matter too. So does your partner who needs to find a way to compromise.

[EmiliaAirheart]

Thanks HumphreyCobblers, that was my thinking. If it was a horrible conversation to have now, I wouldn't see it as being any easier while pregnant (and hormonal?) or after ILs tickets had been booked!

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

YANBU, he sounds hard work. It is perfectly fine for you to suggest ideas and it is OK for him to disagree but a bit over the top to be angry wih you for suggesting simple practical ideas (like holliday timing) or personal preferences (like not having visitors on your potential due date).

[lurkingnotlurking]

I wonder if he might be playing on your tendency to catastrophise in order to get you to give in. Do you really think he's reassessing your entire relationship over this? Has he actually given you a proper indication of this? Because if so then I am a rat

[lurkingnotlurking]

Oops - autocorrect. I smell a rat!

[EmiliaAirheart]

lurkingnotlurking, I don't know, and I'm probably partly imagining the worst again. We are under contract for a flat and we've only been TTC for a month, so both fairly frazzled from those big decisions. Behind me, his family is 100% the only thing he cares about in the world, and any perception that I'm not completely supportive of his relationship with them would really wound him, especially given that he's given up so much to be here with me. A choice that he freely made, but I can't not acknowledge that it's been very difficult for him and I have a lot of guilt over this.

[floriad]

And while I'd prefer not to stay with the ILs, I do it because it's important to him. We visit my siblings (5hrs away) every 6-8 weeks for a weekend, and he comes about 70% of the time because of work.

I honestly don't see how this matters.

Your relationship with your family is yours. His relationship with his family is his.


As for you not wanting them to be there around the time you may give birth:

This is your right.

Just like he has the righ to want them there.


I wouldn't want my ILs there. And DH honestly doesn't care.

But the idea of doing this (childbirth, the first few weeks etc...) without my mother? My sister?
Idk. I wouldn't want that.

Yes, that's a double standard, I'm very aware of that. And I'd definitely try to find a compromise solution if DH wanted them to be near us after the birth. (even though I can't imagine my PIL wanting to deal with a potentially hurt, tired, vulnerable and hormonal me...)


Which is my advice to you. I'd try to find a compromise solution. Which is something he should try as well. His reaction wasn't appropriate imo.

[floriad]

Seeing as you aren't pregnant yet... Couldn't they come a few months earlier?

And maybe 1 - 2 months after you've given birth again? (whenever that will be)?

He'd get to see his family, they'd get to see their grandchild...?


Idk. We've only recently moved back to my home country and I'm actuall incredibly relieved to be near my family again. I guess I see / understand where he might be coming from.

[OutyMcOutface]

It really depends on your in laws. When I had my first everyone came (my father and my MIL and FIL). FIL was horrible. MIL was unpleasant. FIL was sent away (by my DH, after a few days). MIL was not asked for the birth of second child. My DF was and he was extremely helpful and supportive.

[OutyMcOutface]

You may actually appreciate having them around to help-if they are actually helpful.

[ToastyFingers]

If you're not pregnant then I don't think the due date is an issue. Plus, TBH you can feel equally rough at any stage of pregnancy, depending on the sort of pregnancy you have, I was fit and healthy, walking a few miles (albeit slowly) a day at 38 weeks, and utterly crippled with sickness and mostly horizontal between weeks 6-20.

[Sarsparella]

I think you’re way over thinking this and completely over planning

You’re not even pregnant yet, and I’m all honesty it might well not be as simple as you think! Very rarely can people plan exactly when they fall pregnant, so you’re arguing over a completely hypothetical situation - if I was your DH I’d be really exasperated by it tbh

[EmiliaAirheart]

floriad, I wish they could take time off work twice (and we could afford to bring them out twice), but that's not on the cards unfortunately.

OutyMcOutface, I'm sure they would be happy to cook etc. but from seeing them interact with other children in the family, I suspect they would also be quite possessive over the baby. I know myself pretty well and I don't like having other people around when I'm feeling unwell or vulnerable, so I don't imagine it would be helpful to plan as if I would have a character change.