Big row with DH about IL visit - WIBU?

[EmiliaAirheart]

DH and I just had the only big fight where we've gone to bed without resolution, and I feel like it was my fault. Appreciate anyone's perspective - sorry it's long.

DH is from Latin America, and moved here for me. He's had mixed experiences as a migrant, but is settled enough to buy a flat together and TTC. We visit his family every 18-24 months for 4-5 weeks. I'm completely happy to do this. And while I'd prefer not to stay with the ILs, I do it because it's important to him. We visit my siblings (5hrs away) every 6-8 weeks for a weekend, and he comes about 70% of the time because of work.

He said my MIL and SIL are gunning to visit us for a month next year. I was excited for him, and mentally began planning where we can take them, how to apply for their visas, how I can take time off work etc. I mentioned we could travel outside of school holidays to be able to take them around properly, and he took that as me not wanting to spend money on them. I know that we'll pay for everything, and all I was thinking is that if they had flexible travel dates, it would be good to do the same activities more affordably. But then he clarified that there's no flexibility with those dates.

Anyway, the main issue was that later on, I became anxious that theoretically, their visit could fall smack bang on a due date. I stewed on it but decided to be open with him and suggest pausing TTC in the appropriate month to avoid that scenario. My thinking was I'd want to have a great visit with them and I wanted them to come whenever suits them, but I wouldn't want to host visitors for the first few weeks after birth. There's no language barrier, but I'm an independent, introvert and I can imagine what I'd want after a life-changing physical experience. I wouldn't want my own family to stay either.

He got really worked up about it, and said he'd want his family around for support and help for both of us, and that it would be a special experience. Despite everything we talked about, I think he feels like I don't want them to come and that I'm not as family-oriented as he'd like, which is deeply troubling to him.

So as not to dripfeed, I am seeing a psychologist for anxiety and related issues, which stemmed from an awful family breakdown when I was a young adult. I know I have a tendency to catastrophise and it's pointless to get worked up about something that might never happen. But I did, and I've also learned that I do need to speak up instead of panicking by myself.

So - hit me, how badly WIBU? Thanks.

[EmiliaAirheart]

Thanks AnnieAnoniMouse. Clearly I really agree with your points about my wishes being important around those few weeks!

I’m flexible on some of the other stuff though - I understand that my MIL can’t travel during her work’s peak periods and that my SIL couldn’t travel during the school term. So that narrows down the options considerably.

Also, I accept my role in the fear that he’ll leave - I know it’s part of my catastrophising/dress rehearsing tragedy, and it’s not from anything he said during the fight.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

If I were you I’d get back on the pill, IMO you need to sort a few things out before you bring a baby into this.

He has chosen to live here. A choice he made of his own free will. You can’t hold yourself over a barrel forever more to compensate for that.

You have made a very sensible suggestion, avoiding conceiving at a time that would mean you were due around the time they intend to visit. Of course things don’t always go to plan, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a plan.

Instead of listening to you and understanding that’s how you feel about your privacy/body/bonding he’s made it all about him. He’s done it in a very childish, sulky, way.

He needs to respect your wishes & cultures as well, it’s sounding far too one sided.

You are the one whomwill be pregnant, you are the one who will give birth, you are the one whose body will be recovering. YOU are the one who gets to decide what ‘help & support’ you want and need. NOT him.

Why is there ‘no flexibility to those dates’? It’s your house, not theirs. If you say that’s not a good time, then they make arrangements to come at another time. You don’t get TOLD that’s what’s happening. He’s acting like it’s ONLY his house and they’re acting like THEY own it.

Don’t get pregnant to a man you can’t have a rational discussion with. Flying off the handle and making you fear scared he might end your relationship over a discussion is not a secure enough environment to be having a baby.

[agbnb]

yes, hope for the best but plan for the worst and all that.

the Relationship subforum here is filled with the debris of difficult conversations avoided.

your DH has let you down terribly here.

[EmiliaAirheart]

Thanks agbnb. Your line of thinking is the basically the only reason that I even brought it up, instead of trying to manage the anxious thoughts alone.

[agbnb]

theres no way OP should bank on her DH supporting her to make them change the visit dates if she is due then..he's already kicking back on listening to valid practical and emotional concerns whilst TTC. I can't imagine, having read the OP, that he'd be any more receptive to supporting her if his family has to move bookings, flights, hotels etc if there's a clash.

he's essentially saying "i wouldn't have a problem with it, so why do you?" (i.e. OP's feelings are invalid or "wrong").

Instead of trying to compromise or listen to the OP's concerns to see what would work for them both, he's basically just telling her to get over it (not literally). totally, totally providing an uphill battle before a baby is conceived or before flights are booked.

OP - the time to get this agreed is now. ignore the posters telling you that you're being over-anxious about this - just look at all the other threads who are having to deal with this crap whilst any decision making/attempt to work it out is already moot (because a DH has already told parents to book something, or a baby is already on the way).

[EmiliaAirheart]

BackforGood, I can absolutely see your point about the anxiety, and I appreciate your thoughts. However, I’ve never said I don’t want them to meet our future hypothetical ;) baby for 18 months!! I just want to make sure it would happen from 3 weeks old or so, to carve out that space for me.

If they don’t have too much flexibility with travel dates and then visit ends up being while I’m pregnant instead of with a small baby, then we’d likely accelerate our next visit to the ILs so everyone can see us all asap.

[Winebottle]

I'd carry on. If you do get pregnant, a new baby is going to be far more important than this trip. They will have to change the dates or stay elsewhere.

I think he is being unreasonable reacting like that.You are married and your own family. You are closer family to him than they are. You should be able to be honest about your feelings towards your in laws without him taking offence.

It's not realistic for him to expect you to feel the same way about them as he does. Who wants their in laws staying over for a month at the best of times? My in laws live abroad and I admit that I don't like them staying with us for various reasons. We work around it and they do still stay with us but it would feel weird to lie about it and then bitch about them to friends/colleagues.

DH can say whatever he wants to me about my parents. I may or may not agree but I'm not going to be upset by it.

Even if you are excited about them coming, you are still be allowed to talk openly about potential issues without being made to feel guilty about it.

[BackforGood]

I think you've both got a bit overinvested in hypotheticals

This ^
I'm aware you said you have anxiety and related issues, but you have asked us If YABU, and, yes you are (which, presumably is related to the anxiety).
Statistically it is highly unlikely you will conceive this month - it isn't anywhere as easy as you think, when you are trying not to.
If you do, then, sadly, there are a huge number of conceptions that aren't meant to be, and don't make it past the first few weeks. Then, no baby ever arrives on it's due date. GOing 2 weeks over, or 2 weeks before is absolutely 'normal' so that varies your date by a month, even before you factor in the possibility of baby arriving earlier than that. It is perfectly possibly you will be fit and healthy and keen to show of your lovely new baby relatively soon after the birth. This happens for lots of women. Yes, it is possible you will feel that you want to shut yourself away, but it is also possible that you will really appreciate some support and help. You just don't know.
So many of these issues are arising because of the very differing 'cultural norms' of yours and dh's families. It happens. Yours is more extreme because of the distance and expense of visits, but that will have been part of the decision to spend your lives together before you married, I presume. You rightly acknowledge that it is he who has made the move - to a different country, culture, and thousands of miles away from his family. For you to then {effectively} say 'I don't want your family near our baby for 18months, would be very hurtful and upsetting, yes. Sorry, as I know that isn't what you are hoping to hear, but there is no point in posting in AIBU if you don't want honest opinions.

[Huldas]

Op it is your body, don’t let yourself be forced to ttc during the month where a subsequent due date could coincide with the ILS visit. You are NOT BU. You are planning now to avoid issues later, that is smart. Your body my love, your choice when to ttc.

[HumphreyCobblers]

That IS what she is planning for. She is planning to definitely not have her due date when they are coming.

[sanesera]

YABU. What due date when you're not even pregnant? What's certain at this moment is the IL's trip and that's what you should practically plan for. A

[Tistheseason17]

YANBU
I would not want my lovely MIL in the room whilst I gave birth or around me afterwards as I want to get to know our child as partners first.
For those of you who had an easy labour and awesome ILs then that is wonderful but clearly OP is concerned that she wants to not lose control of her labor/delivery/first few days which is not unreasonable. It's not like they're coming for a few days, it's weeks.

This sort of stress pre and post delivery can kick off PND. Put it off one month discretely.

Tell him you love his family but would prefer a week or 2 as your new family unit before they descend. You only deliver a baby once (ie. you can't put it back in!)and you should be able to do it the way you want and he should be supporting this.

[floriad]

Hm... Well, you could of course delay booking until you're in the 2nd trimester and time it to after your due date.
Or you could book it clearly before your due date.

These seem like good compromise solutions to me.

I'm not Latina but my family is Italian. I'm not saying that "we" do it better or anything but some of the things in DH's family were initially weird to me personally... And I only started to realise how different our cultures are when we started talking about children etc...


I think some cultural differences might be going on as well? Idk.


Good luck!!

[StatisticallyChallenged]

I don't think you're remotely unreasonable to say you'd rather not TTC for one month to avoid them being here on your due date.

I appreciate there's very different cultures and expectations and, whilst it's good to compromise, when it comes to the period immediately surrounding birth then I think the mother's wishes and needs should take priority unless they're very unreasonable. Not wanting your in laws staying when you bring home a baby is not very unreasonable.

You can't plan pregnancy and birth perfectly but you can at least make a reasonable attempt to avoid a situation you would hate.

[Sarsparella]

But by that way of thinking you could have continuous arguments about ‘what ifs’ about literally everything, it sounds exhausting!

[EmiliaAirheart]

Sarsparella, I appreciate it's frustrating for him too. All I know is it would be worse for me to bottle things up or to bring this up way down the line if it does occur, so I picked what I thought was the best of a few bad options.

ToastyFingers, I know rough periods can happen at any time, and really feel for people who feel unwell for long periods of pregnancy.

However, I really do support their relationship and I would be pretty happy for their visit at any time of pregnancy or post-childbirth after the first few weeks, no matter how I am feeling physically. I just think it wouldn't be unreasonable to carve out a couple of weeks post-childbirth for my needs to take priority. So I was thinking about planning things as best we can to avoid creating a conflict of needs.

[EmiliaAirheart]

floriad, I wish they could take time off work twice (and we could afford to bring them out twice), but that's not on the cards unfortunately.

OutyMcOutface, I'm sure they would be happy to cook etc. but from seeing them interact with other children in the family, I suspect they would also be quite possessive over the baby. I know myself pretty well and I don't like having other people around when I'm feeling unwell or vulnerable, so I don't imagine it would be helpful to plan as if I would have a character change.

[Sarsparella]

I think you’re way over thinking this and completely over planning

You’re not even pregnant yet, and I’m all honesty it might well not be as simple as you think! Very rarely can people plan exactly when they fall pregnant, so you’re arguing over a completely hypothetical situation - if I was your DH I’d be really exasperated by it tbh

[ToastyFingers]

If you're not pregnant then I don't think the due date is an issue. Plus, TBH you can feel equally rough at any stage of pregnancy, depending on the sort of pregnancy you have, I was fit and healthy, walking a few miles (albeit slowly) a day at 38 weeks, and utterly crippled with sickness and mostly horizontal between weeks 6-20.

[OutyMcOutface]

You may actually appreciate having them around to help-if they are actually helpful.

[OutyMcOutface]

It really depends on your in laws. When I had my first everyone came (my father and my MIL and FIL). FIL was horrible. MIL was unpleasant. FIL was sent away (by my DH, after a few days). MIL was not asked for the birth of second child. My DF was and he was extremely helpful and supportive.

[floriad]

Seeing as you aren't pregnant yet... Couldn't they come a few months earlier?

And maybe 1 - 2 months after you've given birth again? (whenever that will be)?

He'd get to see his family, they'd get to see their grandchild...?


Idk. We've only recently moved back to my home country and I'm actuall incredibly relieved to be near my family again. I guess I see / understand where he might be coming from.

[floriad]

And while I'd prefer not to stay with the ILs, I do it because it's important to him. We visit my siblings (5hrs away) every 6-8 weeks for a weekend, and he comes about 70% of the time because of work.

I honestly don't see how this matters.

Your relationship with your family is yours. His relationship with his family is his.


As for you not wanting them to be there around the time you may give birth:

This is your right.

Just like he has the righ to want them there.


I wouldn't want my ILs there. And DH honestly doesn't care.

But the idea of doing this (childbirth, the first few weeks etc...) without my mother? My sister?
Idk. I wouldn't want that.

Yes, that's a double standard, I'm very aware of that. And I'd definitely try to find a compromise solution if DH wanted them to be near us after the birth. (even though I can't imagine my PIL wanting to deal with a potentially hurt, tired, vulnerable and hormonal me...)


Which is my advice to you. I'd try to find a compromise solution. Which is something he should try as well. His reaction wasn't appropriate imo.

[EmiliaAirheart]

lurkingnotlurking, I don't know, and I'm probably partly imagining the worst again. We are under contract for a flat and we've only been TTC for a month, so both fairly frazzled from those big decisions. Behind me, his family is 100% the only thing he cares about in the world, and any perception that I'm not completely supportive of his relationship with them would really wound him, especially given that he's given up so much to be here with me. A choice that he freely made, but I can't not acknowledge that it's been very difficult for him and I have a lot of guilt over this.

[lurkingnotlurking]

Oops - autocorrect. I smell a rat!