How do you handle it when your children just won't make the grades for the career they want?

[Lawdoc]

Dd1 is going to just about scrape hopefully level 4s so a low C due to learning needs. Quite possibly more 3s.
All the careers she has mentioned are unreachable at uni level for her and would require high score a levels. (think Doctor/surgeon/teaching etc)

How do you deal with it?
I've tried suggesting other roles in the same sort of field which are more attainable but she's not interested.
She believes she can do it.
I don't want to smash her dreams or bash her self esteem but at the same time when she tries to apply for college she is going to get rejected by them.

Help!

[Mistigri]

Based on the variety of careers mentioned I would guess that she does not have a particular vocation. This means that her plans are likely to change over the next two years. DD also wanted to be a doctor two years ago - she is not in fact applying for medicine at all ;)

I think you have to tread a line between not encouraging something totally unrealistic but not discouraging her. If she is anything like my DD she will listen to other adults ahead of her parents - presumably she will get some careers advice at school?

[BeHappyMummy]

When she studies is her mind clear? Ask her.

I struggled in school until someone taught me to meditate to clear my mind to concentrate.

[BeHappyMummy]

Getting high grades is about technique.

Could you show her some tips to memorise the content?

[ReturnfromtheStars]

What are her learning needs OP? There are so many learning styles, she might might get better results by learning in her optimal syle. You can have a look at this link: learning styles


Passion is so important, once she gets through her training, she might become one of the best doctors out there.

Even if you can't afford a tutor, there are so many ways to help. You can look up GCSE videos on youtube or look into IntoUniversity.

It is great that she does not listen and follows her dreams, I wish her the best. As others said, is she fails, she can still try other routes, however if she is not an anxious person, that does not matter right now; right now she just has to study / fight, in her best style.

[lilabet2]

Encourage her to think about related careers (healthcare assistant/nursing, teaching assistant etc.). If she is determined to pursue one of the careers she's discussed then point out which grades she will need at GCSE and A level and discuss alternative routes to each career.

[Headofthehive55]

I think it's really really important to manage her expectations.
I wish I'd had that done. I missed my uni grades and ended up doing something else. I didn't enjoy it.

I've never settled and have never had that moment when you think wow! Ive done it. It's always been meh.
Finance can be an issue when retraining, so it's not that easy. But I would love, to be proud of my achievements and feel I got my dream.
Help her get an achievable dream.

[lougle]

"No they don’t.

A dyspraxia adult who also has a low IQ can never, and should never be a brain surgeon... no matter how much they want it."

I presume you mean because of the fine motor control needed, and the intelligence needed. But IQ can be hard to measure from outward performance. Eminent American neurosurgeon Fred Epstein (now deceased) was so profoundly dyslexic that he was considered an 'idiot' (the term used at the time) and when he fought his way to medical school, he had to get special permission to tape record his assignments rather than writing them. He went on to do daring paediatric neurosurgery that many other neurosurgeons refused to attempt, saving many lives, before dying of melanoma in 2006.

[MyOtherProfile]

Some people don't have the ability to remember or retain info as necessary for exams. Some just aren't bright enoufh to do really well in a subject no matter what they do. Have you ever tried teaching maths concepts to a child who is really struggling?

And apart from that, supposing you could hot house someone enough to get them through necessary qualifications they will probably then need to maintain that level of hot housing in their chosen career. What kind of life does that lead to?

[FluffyWuffy100]

I believe the majority of people have it in them to be whatever they want. They just have to learn how to learn and find the different techniques necessary to pass the relevant exams well

No they don’t.

A dyspraxia adult who also has a low IQ can never, and should never be a brain surgeon... no matter how much they want it.

[user1471426142]

Here are the 2018 requirements for UK medical schools. You’ll see that many have strict gcse requirements even if they accept access to medicine courses. There are plenty of jobs that are still in reach within healthcare but she does need to be realistic about medicine with her predicted grades.

www.medschools.ac.uk/media/2032/msc-entry-requirements-for-uk-medical-schools.pdf

[MincemeatTart]

You are right to redirect her and give her realistic expectations. If she’s getting level 4s then she isn’t going to make it into medicine,
Can you get her work experience in other settings that might appeal? I’d also ask the school about careers advice and see whether she could speak with an advisor.

[Kaykay06]

Who says she won’t get there, might just take her a bit longer than someone else

I was that kid, wanted to be a nurse
Since I was tiny, that’s all I wanted to be.
Am badly dyslexic, School said I should aim lower, I’d never make it and I was setting myself up for a fall. My mother had unwavering belief that one day I would do what I wanted. So she supported me, helped me, went to the school to get extra help etc etc withOut that not sure where I would’ve been now.

So I did 2 pre nursing courses 1 to get me into the access course and one to get me into uni. I also had major surgery before starting uni so worked in a residential home for a year as I had to defer. I was bullied at school quite badly, so very shy.
I worked my arse off, got into uni to become a paeds nurse and qualified & have been nursing for 12 years and love it.
She will get there, if she has the determination and you behind her one way or another she will get there.

[BonnieF]

My friend’s daughter is absolutely passionate about animals, and had her heart and soul set on becoming a vet.

She was heartbroken when her GCSE grades were not strong enough to allow her to study science A-Levels, never mind achieving AAA to get a place on a veterinary medicine degree course. Her mum never stopped encouraging her, however, and she soon got a job as a trainee veterinary nurse and is now a qualified VN who loves her job.

[mathanxiety]

I am wondering if her unrealistic dreams are part and parcel of her learning needs profile?

[AHungryMum]

@Pancakeinmabelly I agree with that to a certain extent but we are talking here about a kid who is working hard and expected to barely pass a modest number of GCSEs. We are not talking about a fair to middling kid who is on course to easily get a mix of 9 Bs to Cs who might just, with a few extra years of maturity and more stimulation, turn out to be the sort of straight A high achiever you need to be to do medicine. I know some people peak later, but the gulf between where the OP's daughter is presently and where she needs to be academically to be able to get into, and cope with, a medicine degree just seems too wide. I don't say this to be unkind and I will always have huge respect for people who are not academically strong but still motivated to work hard and be the best they can be. Always.

There is no shame in admitting you aren't academic enough to do medicine. I know I wouldn't have been. It's probably the most challenging degree course there is as far as I can tell (or joint top). What @LemonysSnicket said is completely correct in my opinion, ditto @user1471426142 - the last paragraph of hser1471...'s post about the law graduate who was failed by her school careers advisor struck a chord with me. I did law at a top 10 law school, and even for our peer group there were plenty who were struggling to get training contracts. I once got asked to attend a law careers fair at what would realistically be classed as a bottom tier Uni and there was a lad there talking about wanting to go into a field like mergers and acquisitions, and I just felt sad for him. There was no way that lad was ever going to get taken on by a big City firm and I totally agree that his careers advisors at school/uni had let him down by not managing his expectations properly. I didn't feel it was my place to say so though so just smiled and let him take some leaflets about corporate law from my then-employers stand...

[dottycat123]

There is a new nursing associate role which does not require a degree, she may consider this as it is being promoted as a good step up clinically from a HCA. Everyone who is suggesting waiting for results may not realize that she is likely doing foundation level gcse's so could only get a maximum of a 5.

[LemonysSnicket]

The problem is even if she could get onto the course ... could she keep up considering it seems she can’t keep up at GCSE?

My DSis got 9 A*s and she still had to resist some of her medicine exams.

[AlexanderHamilton]

Dh is a teacher in Further Education. It helps that he teaches a practical subject (music). He left school with an A in music, a C in English & mostly D’s. At college he was able to retake his maths & was allowed to take A level music & General Studies. These days it would probably be a Btec in music. He did a music degree then got onto a PGCE & is about to start a masters.

If you can get enough Grade 4’s there are a lot of btec courses that are assessed slightly differently that can lead onto uni. A girl I know did Btec Performing Arts & is now doing a primary PGCE.

[user1471426142]

There is something about helping her to ensure she reaches her potential but I don’t think it does anyone any favours to be unrealistic about the requirements for certain courses at certain universities and later job prospects. The graduate market is tough at the moment. I’ve got interns that are super accomplished with straight A’s that have struggled to secure graduate scheme roles. It sounds like medicine is a stretch too far given the grades but other health professional roles might be more suitable.

I had a friend at school that did law at a bottom tier university with D’s at A-level. She thought she was going to be a corporate lawyer at a magic circle firm. She has never worked in law. In hindsight she was terribly failed by the school career advice system and was naive about the competitive nature of law and the academic expectations. I admired her self belief and confidence at the time but that belief was crushed a few years later when reality hit home.

[LittleLostLion]

Please don’t show her other options. Someone doing this to me when I was 16 / 17 killed my confidence, and it was purely because my learning style was different to how they thought people should learn.

I was told to apply for universities that only required a single C/D grade in a totally different field of study. They refused to write my reference otherwise.

I’m now finishing my PhD in my chosen field and still don’t think I’m good enough to complete it because of their comments and persuasion...

[LemonysSnicket]

She has to be realistic and eliminate doctor, lawyer etc though.

Teaching mY be reachable through apprenticeships.

[LemonysSnicket]

Apprenticeships.

[gillybeanz]

I think realism is the most important thing.
I left school with nothing at all, eventually in my thirties when Tony Blair made it easy for me, I studied.
i'm glad I did but i soon found that teaching wasn't for me.
So sticking out for what you think you'd like, doesn't always work.
there are alternatives to gaining certain qualifications, but you could still find you are a round peg trying to fit into a square one.
There again, I know it worked for others who finally gained the quals they wanted, in later life.

I know it's hard when you have a child that struggles, mine is the same. We are fortunate that her school will allow her an extra year before college if she needs to retake any GCSE's or A levels, and her chosen course needs very little in terms of grades.

Is there something she is good at that you can encourage, maybe show her some jobs in this area. As pp have said use it as a plan B. Although, if anything like mine she doesn't believe in plan B.

[greathat]

As a teacher I've had a few awkward conversations with unrealistic kids (and parents) think struggling in bottom set and wanting to be a surgeon. People don't ever seem to want to accept their own limitations. Just start looking at alternatives and call them back up plans

[PancakeInMaBelly]

Getting into medicine via the alternative route suggested by some others still requires you to be very strong academically, so I fear it potentially isn't a realistic option for your daughter unfortunately.

Why?
Not everyone peaks in their mid teens you know.

If she sets her heart on it now and gets lots of support, she could well leave her school grades behind and excel in college, uni, GAMSAT and medical school!

People do. It mostly takes grit and determination.