Inviting the whole class to a birthday party

[Peacefulmama]

AIBU post: Please let me know your thoughts on who you invite to birthday parties.

Our little girl is starting school in September 2018 and her birthday is about 5-6 weeks later in mid-Oct. Aware that this year I would need to hold a weekend party for the first time, I was planning on pre-booking a party venue (or something) and said to my husband that we would have to let the venue know numbers but leave 3 or 4 spaces 'open' in case she makes new friends in school and really wants them at her birthday party.

Husband then said that to avoid leaving anyone out, if we invite a few of her new school mates, we should invite the whole class. He grew up in a big family where the attitude was 'if one kid gets something, they all get that same something' .

I think that's a lovely attitude for family members and established friends but to apply it to a class of 30 five year olds, most of whom your kid has only just met, is bonkers.

I was originally planning a party at a soft play or animal sanctuary with maybe 10 of her cousins and friends. Surely inviting the whole class would be really expensive, also quite stressful to organise such a large gathering, and if my daughter has only bonded with two other kids, I just dont see the point in inviting the other 28 to a special occasion like a birthday party. I'm all up for encouraging bonding and making new friends but this seems a bit much.

Am I being unreasonable? Or am I thinking on the right lines and DH is the weird one. I have no school age kids so I dont know if the protocol for kids parties changes when they go to school?

Would welcome your thoughts xx

[BackforGood]

Of course YANBU.
I've managed to navigate 3 dc through Infant and Junior school without ever having a whole class party.
Even the 10 - 12 you are suggesting sounds a lot to me for a just turning 5 yr old.
I do think that generally once they start school it is normal to invite friends from school to their parties though.
We used to have Grandparents / local cousins round to tea one weekend, or one day on the weekend, and have the school friends party on a different day. dc rather liked having 3 different 'birthdays' .
However, there is no need to go down the 'whole class' route. You also have the advantage (being old in the year) that there isn't a 'precedent' set by half the class already

[foxyloxy78]

I would go for whole class parties. Best time for them to make friends on a social level....

[ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs]

Mine all had full class party p1 and p7, smaller gatherings in between

[mommybunny]

But how else will you know which parents/ children to avoid?

I know it was meant humourously, but in my DD’s school’s case that was the point: no one was to be avoided that early on. Everyone was presumed worthy of knowing and being known, and everyone had a chance to be part of the fun.

As I said, now my DD is almost 11 there definitely are cliques and gangs (and my DD knows she isn’t one of the “cool” girls and is totally fine with that), but it still doesn’t seem as ruthless as I know some schools can get with girls of that age.

[HairyToity]

We're doing a whole class but we only have to confirm numbers for soft play 2 days before. I'm doing it for reception but might do it differently next year.

[Kithulu]

But how else will you know which parents/ children to avoid?

[FrenchJunebug]

I would invite the whole class so that you can meet the parents. It doesn't need to be extravagant. For the past two years, I've hired a hall and provided foods for the kids and a party bag. Not all the class can come but it's nice to invite all. Thus said my son is now in year two and I'll be six friends only this year with a more elaborate outing.

[HamishBamish]

Also, I never have parties in my own home. Far too much chaos! We always have them where the children are entertained by the activity/venue and party food provided. I just supply party bags and cake.

[HamishBamish]

Where we are whole class parties until around P3 are the norm. Then children tend to invite fewer children from across different classes. Last year DS1 went go-karting for his 9th birthday. We restricted it to 8 children (including him) as it was quite expensive.

[GhostsToMonsoon]

I foolishly listened to DH who said "let's just invite everyone" to DD's 5th birthday. I thought 15-18 would come. We had 26! In contrast, DS invited 14 to his last party, and only 8 were able to come. It appears that Sunday afternoon is preferable to Saturday afternoon and that no-one is likely to be away in early January. DD's class is very boy-heavy (23 boys to 7 girls) - if it was more even, I would be tempted to invite just the girls.

A whole-class party is fine at soft play I think - most of the soft play parties tend to be whole-class ones and it's not too much work as you just have to provide the cake and party bags. We have had a lot of whole-class parties in Nursery and Reception - mostly soft play, but one was with a magician at a village hall, one at the snowdome and there's going be one at a dry ski slope.

[RatOnnaStick]

We've never done whole class parties. There have been a few but an equal number of them have been 8-10-12 kids at home or soft play or wherever. Ds2 doesn't like hall parties, too chaotic for him.

[ThisLittleKitty]

This is bizarre to me as my kids have been at school a year now (2 kids) and neither has ever been invited to a party. So I guess it's not normal in my area.

[autumnkate]

Reception at our school is very much whole class parties, that way no one is left out. Half a term into big school i think she will have made lots of friends in her class.

I would (and have!) do a whole class school party in your situation. Have her cousins round for tea.

[Shineystrawberrylover]

Whole class? Why does everyone think a child wants to spend their birthday with everyone from school. I'd sooner time on my own than a party with all my colleagues.

[mommybunny]

When my DD was in reception, her (all girls) school strongly encouraged - knowing they couldn't enforce it - parents to have "whole year" parties in the first couple of years. This meant about 36-40 girls. But no one was expected to do the whole thing themselves - parents of girls whose birthdays were near each other very often clubbed together to do the whole hall hire/entertainer/party tea thing, so no one ever needed to bear that cost on their own.

I know it's shocking to many on MN, but our PTA gave us all the parents' contact details and girls' birthdays in advance of each year (it was a private school, and the parents of course consented to this information being given out), which made it really easy to figure out when there was a birthday near your own DD's. Having parents club together for parties also meant there were fewer of them and much less possibility of dates clashing.

One brilliant thing about the "whole year" parties was that the girls had a chance to get to know each other before the whole "who are the cool girls?" angst started. I won't say that, at almost 11, my DD doesn't feel any of that, but I think it's much less than it could have been had the girls been siloed off into cliques from the age of 5.

OP, if you're thinking of going the whole class route, are there any parents you already know who could get together with to share a party?

[missperegrinespeculiar]

yes, both mine had all class parties in reception, it is a good way for them to start bonding and also for you to get to know the parents

that said, the parties ended up being huge, most kids came (how awful to hear stories when just a few turned up, we must have been very lucky with our school!) parents stayed as they are still little, and we also had family and kids form outside of school, very stressing and expensive, so not say you don't also have a point!

But both my kids loved it and still remember it fondly!

[Dizzylin]

DD's birthday is December. We did invite the whole class to her 5th Birthday but hired a Church Hall, Bouncy Castle etc. It was extremely stressful and I said never again. We had a few that said yes but didn't turn up and quite a few we didn't get a response from at all! We only did it the first year, by Y1 she had establised groups of friends so it was far easier.

[FlakeBook]

All parties in reception here seem to be whole class parties. Parents always stay so not really chaotic.

We'be never done the soft play i'r farm parties that are pay per head, too expensive. We'be done hire a hall abd pass the parcel etc, once hired a bouncy castle.

You could do an outing with the cousins separately from the class party?

[teaonadrip]

At this age it is the norm in our area to have whole class party's. As a previous poster said, friendship circles change very often at this age and in as little as a week they could have fallen out with a friend or made 3 more.

It is a great way to get to know other parents as well as at this age most if not all will stay for the duration of the party.

It doesn't have to cost the earth - hire a hall, play some music and play pass the parcel. Our local leisure centre also hires out the sports hall and bouncy castle for around the £50.00 mark. All you need to do is add sandwiches!

[MissEliza]

My oldest dcs have September birthdays so turned 5 just after starting school. For the first year, I organised whole class parties as they were still getting to know people. It was a good way of getting to know children and parents.

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

Just to add, the place we are having our dds party is a maximum of 30 children, they 100% want it there so we aren't changing this. They're very close with a lot of their cousins too so not inviting them isn't an option

[Keepingupwiththejonesys]

We are having a party for our dds this October that will have 30 children attending. The difference is 20 of these are our own children and family members children. The parents will stay and most of them will likely help out. My family are close and we all just help out at the kids parties. We are letting dd1 (reception but will be year 1 by the party) invite 5 school friends and dd2 (she will be in upper preschool by then) is inviting 3 friends, two from playgroup and one from preschool. We are saving two places in case dd2 has more than one close friend at preschool by then and also in case we forget someone

I'm happy to do this but wouldn't personally have one with the whole class, CBA with that

[Cath2907]

To add her first ever party was a hall and the whole class came as I had no idea who was who then!

[Cath2907]

We do small parties where DD invites her friends. She chooses who to invite. This year it is 2 cousins, 1 family friend, 5 friends from her class in school and one girl from the class below who she knows from an out of school club. Total is a party for 10 small kids. a far easier number for me to handle and pay for. It was mostly the same kids last year and everyone knows a few of the other invitees. I don't see the issue with this approach. I wouldn't invite 28 of the 30 kids from her class and leave a couple out but this way avoids that issue.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Lots of whole class parties in reception ime. I always found it gave me a chance to chat to the parents as well and exchange numbers for play dates etc. And my kids tended to get invited to everyone's party for the rest of the year - even those who had smaller parties because we had invited them. Whether that's a good thing depends on your view because it meant them being invited to parties most weekends and sometimes more than 1 in a day!
Some kids obviously do have smaller parties and some don't do parties at all though. It's up to you and your budget really. If you do go for a whole class one hall hire and a bouncy castle/buffet will probably work out cheaper per head than softplay unless you find somewhere with a deal on.