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AIBU?

Friend warning - miscarriage

34 replies

Beachtime · 15/12/2017 01:44

More of a - is this appropriate or best just to not do anything?

Friend of mine recently had a miscarriage. She'd mentioned when the due date was a few times so I know when it would have been.

I was thinking about sending her some flowers around that time - I don't know anyone whose suffered a miscarriage before so I wanted to ask is this appropriate?

Or do you think maybe I might just be bringing more attention and upset her?

Obvisouly the last thing I'd want to do is upset her more than she already will be around that date.

Thanks in advance for your help!

OP posts:

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Steeley113 · 15/12/2017 10:34

My due date for my miscarried baby was Tuesday, I was at work and the girls all remembered and we’re extra kind to me that day. They brought me tea and chocolate and jollied me along if they saw I was slipping. The fact they remembered meant the most though. A simple card and a thinking of you is all that’s needed.

Fuckoffee · 15/12/2017 10:33

You are a lovely friend (agree not flowers though, a card would be perfect) x

Beachtime · 15/12/2017 10:04

Thanks for the advice everyone especially since it's such an upsetting topic.

I think general consensus is to send a thoughful message/ card instead so think I will go with that option.

Once again thank you for taking the time to offer advise on such a hard topic

OP posts:

MrsU88 · 15/12/2017 10:01

Its difficult as every person deals with mc differently.

my 1st mc was due mid dec 07
my 2nd mc was due end of april 08.

ironically...my dc1 was conceived in december, and my dc2 was concieved in april.

I dont get upset about them, I am a firm believer that there must have been something wrong for them to die, but others would be really hurt if you said that to them.

Personally I think I would go with the phone call and not mention it unless they mention it first.

furryleopard · 15/12/2017 09:50

It's nice to think of a friend but I had a miscarriage but had had a further miscarriage by the due date and was pregnant again (with a pregnancy I also miscarried around my original due date) my next pregnancy I miscarried again but had DD on my 5th pregnancy. Some of my miscarriages I had not told anyone apart from DH of course and my Mum. I would send a simple text and arrange a catch up. She will know you are thinking of her but you don't know where she is on her journey by the due date.

GuntyMcGee · 15/12/2017 09:43

Personally I wouldn't have liked flowers as they can be too much of a lingering reminder, but a text to acknowledge the day would have been wonderful.

The due date was a whole new grief to deal with, made worse by the fact that, as others have said, the rest of the world seemed to have forgotten and it felt like me alone against the rest of the world.

Mousewatch · 15/12/2017 09:39

Please do something, even if it's just a nice call or txt on the day. What a lovely friend you are

FlakeBook · 15/12/2017 09:24

I would have LOVED flowers. My PIL sent flowers when I miscarried and that was lovely.

Merryhobnobs · 15/12/2017 09:15

I had a miscarriage earlier this year, one of my dearest friends sent me such a nice card on the due date. It was lovely for my husband and I to have our baby acknowledged. My Mum was going to send flowers but we were going away to visit other family the next day for a few days and she knew we wouldn't be able to keep them. Flowers and/or a note would be really good I think. It often feels like we are the only ones in the world who will remember our tiny baby.

juddyrockingcloggs · 15/12/2017 09:13

My friend did exactly that on the due dates of all the babies I lost. It was incredibly touching and I appreciated them greatly.

You sound like a lovely friend.

Phryne · 15/12/2017 09:12

I had a miscarriage this year. The baby would have been due on my birthday. I was pregnant again by then (a fucking miracle as it seemed unlikely to be possible never mind in short order) but I would have appreciated it if someone had recognised that it was a difficult day despite the more recent good news. An email or a card sounds right to me. It's lovely you're thinking of it.

CaptainChristmas · 15/12/2017 09:11

I’d go with phone call, as suggested up thread.

Aria2015 · 15/12/2017 09:11

Ps. Friends like you mean the world to women like me who went through this sadness.

Aria2015 · 15/12/2017 09:09

People kindly sent me flowers when I miscarried. I remember coming back from the hospital and there being 3 bunches on my doorstep. It just reminded me of death and made me sadder. I knew their intentions were well meant so I thanked everyone who sent me them but I wouldn’t send them myself. To be honest cards and texts that say that someone is thinking of you mean the most. Especially when they say ‘no reply expected / needed’. It’s always nice to know that your friends are thinking of you and won’t be offended if you don’t get back to them because you feel too sad. There’s no way she’ll have forgotten about her due date. It’s etched on your mind once you know it.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 15/12/2017 09:08

Even if it was (very sadly) a very late miscarriage at 24 weeks then surely you still have months to make this decision? I think the important thing is to keep talking to her about it for as long as she wants - and that should help you figure out whether or not this will be an appropriate thing once the due date comes round. As you can see, while everyone thinks it's a lovely thought, not everyone would have wanted flowers or a big gesture at all, so I think you can be guided by the way your friend is discussing it as you get nearer to the time.

Just in case - since you're talking of due date and loss as if they're close together, was it actually a stillbirth (sometimes people think that means the baby has to have died during birth, but anything after 24 weeks is a stillbirth)? If so I think that might change people's answers.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 15/12/2017 09:01

Just letting her know that you’ve remembered and are thinking of her is enough. A message or a card. I wouldn’t have wanted flowers. You try to get on with life & this would have dragged me back a bit. It’s a lovely thought & you’re a lovely friend.

Nomad86 · 15/12/2017 08:49

Maybe on the day, give her a call but don't mention the due date unless she does. If it's playing on her mind, she'll guess you're trying to be there for her but won't feel forced to talk about it if she doesn't want to.

Laiste · 15/12/2017 07:37

Family and friends sent me flowers when i miscarried. Normally i love fresh flowers around the place and love it when DH buys a bunch for my birthday or whatever. On this occasion however i hated them. Every time i walked into a room with some of them in there i was reminded what they were for and cried and sank down again.

I'd send a card or a lovely text or email. You're a good friend OP x

OuaisMaisBon · 15/12/2017 07:19

You are lovely to think of your friend like this. I think if someone had sent me flowers on the due date of my lost first baby, I would have cried but been very touched. If you are worried about flowers being OTT, a card is definitely the way to go.

RichmondAvenue · 15/12/2017 07:17

You sound very thoughtful. Much more so than any of my friends or family.

Flowers would not have bothered me but I can see how they might. Perhaps send a card. I sent a friend a card and a bracelet with the word 'Hope' on it. But I know her very well so knew it'd be appreciated.

theimportanceofbeinghappy · 15/12/2017 07:15

I am pregnant again after being due a baby in Feb 2018. I'm in two minds about this

GrapesAreMyJam · 15/12/2017 07:14

I had a miscarriage last year. The day before the due date, DP and I were out for lunch with our close friends and before we went home I was given a huge bunch of beautiful flowers. Cue the tears and I had five people giving me a group hug in the car park while I was sobbing.

The flowers really were lovely and it meant the world that people had remembered the date.

Obviously each person is different, but for me it meant a lot and whether it was a card or flowers or neither made no difference. It was people remembering that mattered

BertieBotts · 15/12/2017 07:13

A card would be fine.

SunshineTheMonkey · 15/12/2017 07:09

Flowers have the potential to cause upset.

Lovely that you're so thoughtful but I would say no.

Reppin · 15/12/2017 07:07

I was heavily pregnant by the time the due date came around. I would not have been upset and would have been pleased someone remembered.

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