No not let him keep the money

[LittleMe03]

I have a 12 year old SS and for many years now we have had this little tradition.

I put loose change in a tub for him and we save it until Xmas, then Father's Day and then his dad's birthday.

3 times a year, a week or so before these occasions we count the money, get it changed at the bank and go shopping together so he can buy his dad a gift from money he has saved, he has always enjoyed doing this.

However we counted the money at the weekend and got it changed and went shopping... he had £32.80 (it's usually somewhere between £25-35) he found a gift for his dad for Christmas which cost £15 so I then asked him what we were doing with the rest of the money, finding another gift or putting it back in the pot. He replied, I think I will just keep it. I told him no and it was one of those two options. He wasn't happy so refused to get another gift so it's gone back in the pot.

We have a brilliant relationship but this has caused a problem between us and ever since he has been really grumpy and stubborn towards me.

AIBU?

I'm not sure if to mention it to my DP or not either

[3boys3dogshelp]

To buy you a present I mean

[Ihavepatrick]

Yanbu. Back in the tub it goes, unless he wants to buy you or a grandparent a gift.

[sonjadog]

You did the right thing, he's just being a stroppy teen who thought he had a clever idea to get himself something and was thwarted. He´ll get over it.

[Spookle]

YANBU.

I'd also be thinking of stopping this tradition to teach him that being 'grumpy and stubborn' for nearly a week because he didn't get his own way is not a nice way to behave towards someone kind enough to give 'free' money in the first place.

[Allthewaves]

Why can't he use the rest to buy his dad another present

[Rachie1973]

Allthewaves
Why can't he use the rest to buy his dad another present

He didn't want to. OP offered him that option.

[JemimaLovesHamble]

I think this is probably the time to phase out this tradition. It's not something you can keep up forever anyway. If he gets pocket money, he can start to save up himself. Broach the subject a good few months before the next event though so he has time to save if he wants to.

[PricillaQueenOfTheDesert]

Let him keep it. If he doesn’t buy a gift for you, it’s time for you to stop saving the change for him.

Maybe he wants to keep the remaining change to buy you something nice.

[WinnieFosterTether]

It's been a misunderstanding. It wasn't clear what happened if there was money left over and I can see why he assumed that any extra was his to spend.
It really isn't a big deal and when he gets the game for Christmas, he'll assume you kept the money because you'd already bought the game and didn't want a duplicate.

[LittleMe03]

He really doesn't need any more money, he gets plenty pocket money and I can't agree that life is expensive at the age of 12

He never goes without.

To those who think I should have allowed him to keep the money I feel this would have given him the idea that this would happen in future and even if I explained it wouldn't, a few months down the line I feel it would be 'why not, you let me last time'

He buys a gift for me with his dad, I don't know what arrangement they have for this. This is why I wasn't sure whether to mention it to my DP. We have always tried to make him feel that they are gifts from him, and it's a secret iyswim x

[oliveinacampervan]

YANBU. You need to pick your battles though. Maybe let him have half of what's left, and spent the rest on another gift for his dad.

[oliveinacampervan]

I have to say, it is quite selfish of him to not want to spend the rest on his dad. As someone said though, it's the start of teenhood. And it will only get worse! Good luck!

[MsGameandWatching]

I would have said well let’s buy another little something for Dad then you can keep the rest but don’t get used to it! My kids love this, they feel like they’ve had a huge and unusual treat. I don’t think everything we do with our kids has to be a “Life Lesson”.

[LittleMe03]

I think I will either give him an extra allowance for these occasions or extra pocket money and encourage him to save a bit each week/month?

I just think if I do the second option he will just spend the money and still need extra for dads presents!

He is still a child and learning so maybe the first option is better?

He isn't selfish, he's a lovely lad. I did what I did because I don't want him to become selfish x

[Bluntness100]

You did right op, he was beinf selfish. He had a budget to buy his dad a present and decided to spend well under so he could get himself s gift instead.

Tell his dad and don’t give in. You cannot teach him being selfish is ok.

I also wouldn’t give him an allowance for it, because he will spend it and simoly ask uou for more money, or give his dad very little.

[Bluntness100]

Cross posted sorry op, but said nearly the same thing.

[LittleMe03]

MsGameAndWatching

Yes maybe I should have done this but you think about what you could have suggested/done after sometimes and not always on the spot

[LittleMe03]

Bluntness100

Yes x post but very similar

I don't think he was purposely being selfish as such, it was only after buying the present that I think he thought to himself, 'well that's a nice gift for Dad so I might just keep the rest' he has never said or tried this before and in all honestly I wasn't sure how to react but I know he has his pocket money weekly which is more than enough, I want to teach him that we have to budget for things we would like etc 'money doesn't grow on trees' as I was told growing up.**

He always gets money from family members for Xmas, plus loads of presents from Mum, mums family, Dad and me, dads family and also from my family.**

He knows in a couple of weeks time he will have this money to buy what he likes/ spend on what he likes x

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Pick your battles.

[LittleMe03]

Sorry not sure how that middle section was bold!

[Winebottle]

You gave him money to spend on his Dad. That is what it should be spent it on.

I don't think the incentives encourage good behaviour. He should be thinking about what present is nicest not which is the cheapest he can get away with so he can cream off the most profit from the arrangement.

I give my daughter a budget of £20 for her Nan. If she spent £5 of it I would expect the rest back or for her to buy more stuff.

[olivesnutsandcheese]

You totally did the right thing and welcome to teenage stropping. I've a DSS and usually he will calm down after an hour or a day or whatever. The trick is to totally hold your ground otherwise it will always set a precedent. I also think it's a lovely thing that you do

[Pannacott]

You totally did the right thing. I was going to ask if he gets pocket money, you said he does, so he has plenty of opportunity to buy himself things.

He really needs to learn at this age about the morality of who owns what, what gift giving is, what kindness is.

Adolescent are mercenary (their brains are not wired yet to consider long term consequences). You would be doing him a terrible disservice to have let him keep the money. Of course he isn't happy about it, he is disappointed he didn't get a thing he wanted, but this won't ruin your relationship. Good for you for teaching him these things.

[ZigZagandDustin]

I think he's getting a little old for this though it's a nice thing you've done to now. How about giving him some suitable pocket money from now and also the opportunity to earn a bit doing chores etc. It's time for him to learn about spending his own money on people.