No not let him keep the money

[LittleMe03]

I have a 12 year old SS and for many years now we have had this little tradition.

I put loose change in a tub for him and we save it until Xmas, then Father's Day and then his dad's birthday.

3 times a year, a week or so before these occasions we count the money, get it changed at the bank and go shopping together so he can buy his dad a gift from money he has saved, he has always enjoyed doing this.

However we counted the money at the weekend and got it changed and went shopping... he had £32.80 (it's usually somewhere between £25-35) he found a gift for his dad for Christmas which cost £15 so I then asked him what we were doing with the rest of the money, finding another gift or putting it back in the pot. He replied, I think I will just keep it. I told him no and it was one of those two options. He wasn't happy so refused to get another gift so it's gone back in the pot.

We have a brilliant relationship but this has caused a problem between us and ever since he has been really grumpy and stubborn towards me.

AIBU?

I'm not sure if to mention it to my DP or not either

[LittleMe03]

Thank you to those who have understood. I do feel bad it's caused an issue between us

[PugonToast]

Does he go the same with his dad - go out and get a present for you?

Maybe he is old enough to give him the total, take him shopping and let him pick two presents - one for both of you.

You say you have a great relationship with him OP

How is his relationship with his dad?

[Lweji]

Does he get an allowance?

You're acting as if it's your money, so be clear about the rules. You're either saving it for him or for you to then make it available to him. Different things.

But, I think communication here is essential. Talk to him about his expectations and what he wanted the money for.
If you can't talk with him now, the teenage years will probably be very difficult indeed.

[teaortequila23]

I think your right and u should stick by what you said originally.

[Lweji]

Cross post.

I'd advise him that to buy such things to himself this time of year is very unwise, and to wait to see what Christmas brings and then buy whatever he wants cheaper in the sales.

In any case, maybe it's time to reassess the system.

[Chewbecca]

YANBU
He's just being a grumpy teen. Stick to your guns.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Yes I've just realised I misread the post. Apologies LittleMe03. In that case yanbu.

[honeylulu]

I think you did right and you sound a lovely step mum.
My son aged 12 would be tempted to try this on (I had a thread about festival spending money in the summer - we were giving him an amount per day to amuse himself and he decided to "save" most of it and then moaned that he was bored!)
I think the best thing you can do is manage expectations. Ive given my son a gift allowance for Christmas since he expressed a wish to buy family presents (in addition to his usual allowance) but we've made clear that if he just trousers all or a significant amount of it, the arrangement will stop.

[BewareOfDragons]

He's being 12. You have done the right thing. I absolutely agree that the money is there so he knows he has some funds to buy presents for his dad, not to skimp on presents and keep it for himself.

Stand firm. He'll get over it.

[bimbobaggins]

I would just let him keep it this time. It would be a shame to ruin an otherwise good relationship for the sake of 17.00 but reiterate to him that next time it’s definitely all money on gift or cash stays in tub.

[NapQueen]

Yanbu. It isnt his money.

Why not agree that each time you do this he will get £30 for dad (with whatever left of this going back in the pot) bit anything over the 30 is his to keep?

[thelastredwinegum]

I don't think yabu at all.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

He is just being a cf, ignore him, if he tries it on again then just tell him it time to save and pay for his dad’s gift himself next time.

[DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy]

YANBU - this is just the kind of opportunity parents need to teach kids some morals. It's not about the £15, it's about what's a decent way to behave. If I find a tenner on a shop floor or somewhere, I hand it in, I don't keep it, saying, it's only a tenner. Children don't know this stuff without being told - I know I didn't, my parents had to teach me.

OP, sorry I don't have any advice for you other than to repeat, "I put that money there as a favour to you, for you to spend on your dad. If you're fed up with that arrangement, maybe it's better you start using your own pocket money for gifts, then we won't fall out about it." Said as gently as possible, it might help him get some boundaries about money in place.

[Reallytired17]

It’s a bit - um - young, isn’t it?

Appropriate for a primary aged child but not an almost teenager.

[LittleMe03]

Thank you all for the suggestions. I think after Christmas I will have a chat with him and ask if he would rather, now that he is older. I give him an allowance to buy these gifts himself, but I will still help if he would like me too. Or shall I just save less money for him so he only has £15 to spend in the first place take away temptation

[wibblywobblywoo]

I mean whatever really, about what she said or what the rules are, or what the amounts are, blah blah blah.

I know people talk like this but to type like that too......?

Anyway.... OP rather than let an 'atmosphere' continue maybe sit down with DSS and ask why he wanted to change the usual way of doing things - it's probably just that he's at an age where he's seeing more things he wants and money in his hand gave him big ideas Hopefully a chat about why you do the saving, and why he does the giving will help him see that giving is important and something that is worth doing. If he doesn't maybe it's time to bring the tradition to an end rather than risk further clashes

[Rudgie47]

Its not even his money, its OPs money.
Sounds like hes being quite tight and selfish,hopefully it will be a one off.
I'd just say from now on he needs to buy his Dad a present out of his own money.I'd be knocking the tub thing on the head and suggesting he gets a paper round or does odd jobs for money.

[PugonToast]

Does he buy you a present?

[Viviennemary]

. He's getting a choice but not really a choice. I'd say he's getting a bit old for this little game. If it's his money let him have the change to buy himself something. If it's yours choose your own gifts. I think it's very unfair to write him off as selfish.

[Creature2017]

I rarely see these kinds of threads about money and people own children. I don't see why it has to be different with a step child.

It sounds a tiny amount of money to me! Just let him have it for goodness sake. Perhaps he is not being given enough money and he needs more. Life is very expensive. May be his father could increase his monthly allowance?

[Rachie1973]

LittleMe03
Thank you to those who have understood. I do feel bad it's caused an issue between us

Honestly, it hasn't. You can't hear it but what you've got is a stroppy preteen :) He'll get over it lol

[RestingGrinchFace]

YANBU. He was being both greedy and cheeky. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to explain to him why it is rude to scrimp on the things you do/but for other people so that you can have more for yourself. This is just the first in a long list of life lessons that will teach him to be a good parent.

[3boys3dogshelp]

Are you sure he wasn’t trying to keep it to buy a present?