To think this isn't my fault? She should have told me

[CactusJelly00]

My sister, who has had alcohol problems and is a current shopping addict (but often lies, minimises etc) is unsurprisingly having difficulties.
She will borrow £10 off another family member, then be drinking or wearing a brand new jacket the next day, or going somewhere to eat... she will order takeaways on a Sunday, post it on social media then by Wednesday will be begging for money around friends and family because she doesn't have enough food. Or going to my mums house and raiding the freezer for food for her ds.
She has a young son so few will refuse.

She asked me for money a few days ago. I asked what for she said it was for food. I asked her to write me a list and then used my uk card (I'm overseas) to do a tesco order. I got everything on the list, plus perhaps foolishly some treats for her and her ds, some snacks etc and a magazine and some bath bombs for her. I also added on lots of dried foods I know they will eat as they keep for ages.
The total for this shop was over £200.
It arrived and she initially said thank you seemed grateful and I was happy to have helped. However tonight she's woken me up (its night time here) texting me a massive rant about how inconsiderate I am. I was pretty shocked and asked her wtf she was on about.
Turns out she has a pet - I wasn't aware of this, she didn't have one when I left the uk (not that long ago, less than 1yr) no one has mentioned it. She didn't ask for pet food or anything pet orientated and I didn't think to ask really!

Aibu to think she's being an ungrateful twat and she should put pet food on the list if she wanted it? I'm feeling a bit sad as I was trying to do something nice for her to ease the pressure in the run up to Christmas (as well as of course the favour she'd asked me for)

[PaintingByNumbers]

Is your nephew okay in her care? Do social services know?

[Originalfoogirl]

In what world could this be your fault?

[Italiangreyhound]

CactusJelly00 you did a nice thing.

She sounds unstable and certainly not like someone who should be looking after a child. I hope someone will report her and social services will get involved.

You do not mention the child's father. Is he on the scene, does he know?

I don't say this lightly. I know how devastating it must be but someone who cannot control their drinking or spending should not have sole charge of a child.

[NonnoMum]

Yes - contact SS. She is neglecting her son and clearly has issues.

[NoSquirrels]

Either - she was drunk when she wrote the list and forgot the pet
Or - she was drunk when she decided to text you a rant about a pet SHE forgot about
Or - it is as PP's say and she wants you to transfer the cash, so she can get drunk

Do your family near her think she is still drinking?

[billybagpuss]

I think she must have been very drunk when she texted you and she desperately needs help. I know that is no consolation for you who have done a lovely thing and had it thrown back in your face.

Please take a moment to read all the messages here and know that you did a great thing and deserve to be appreciated but then, are there any more local family members you can contact to ask for their help with her. I think if she was in a sober normal frame of mind she would be mortified at her recent behaviour but I suspect that she may be some considerable way off that at the moment.

All the best, dealing with people suffering with this illness is horrid. xx

[PositivelyPERF]

Or, she has no pet, but knows someone who will buy the pet food of her. Speaking from the bitter experience of having an alcoholic sister.

[Judashascomeintosomemoney]

Ok, lots going on here. She’s an addict. Alcohol and spending money. Few people get to that point for a laugh and for no real reason. Do you have any idea why she is at this point? Whether you or you don’t, and understandable as you aren’t in the same country as her, you are being kind and generous but it could also be regarded as ‘enabling’. Sensibly you didn’t give her money, though by buying her groceries presumably she can now spend cash as she wants to. Now of course she’s come up with a reason why she needs ‘cash’ for you, for the ‘pet’ you ‘forgot’ to cater for. You could tell her, no problem, there’s an online pet shop (Zooplus or some such) I’ll order for delivery from there. If she argues that or accepts but then finds some other reason she needs cash (unexpected bill, got stolen, lost whatever) you know where you stand and frankly then, only you can decide whether or not to keep enabling. A very tough position to be in, I don’t envy you.

[VladmirsPoutine]

This is one of those sort of threads.

[lookatyourwatchnow]

I can't even believe this is real and that you haven't told her to go fuck herself

[CactusJelly00]

After the responses I did (slightly more politely) tell her to go fuck herself.
I've been in this position before (but with someone else) and always felt in the wrong or like I wasn't doing enough until I started to distance myself a bit, because I couldn't afford their ridiculous demands (at one point I was paying their rent, a utility bill, internet, had bought them a fake fireplace because it was cheaper to run than their old gas boiler, was buying groceries every month and other bits too). So obviously this has put me back in the place of thinking I'm wrong, but then On the other hand I don't think that she's that bothered about the pet food because if she does have a pet then that surely would've been asked for??
It was also about 4am here when I got woken up (and subsequently wrote this post soon after) I wasn't exactly with it, I was just sort of going euhhhh what.

My nephew is fine and has other family members looking out for him. He's looked after by another family member 4 days a week while he's at nursery, and one of her exes family members on the other day he's at nursery (he only does a few hours a day, they have him for the rest of the day and take him to and from so sister can work). He's also looked after a lot by her exsil (exes brothers wife) at the weekends. Anywhere from 1-3 times a month. This has been the case for at least 18 months.
He's a healthy weight, happy kid who's hitting most of his milestones. Does well at nursery. I'm not sure this would be the case if she was left to her own devices to parent. But I don't think anyone wants to find out so she's reasonably well supported. And as I said if she runs out of food she'll be raiding my mums freezer. Sometimes with permission, sometimes not. She has a key and my mum has noticed some specific bits going missing. But she won't say anything because she'd rather be stolen from than have them starve.
It's a sorry state of affairs but I'll be staying out of it tbh.

[Footle]

CactusJelly, thanks for the update. Sounds as if you've taken a couple of steps back - good for you, and glad your nephew is well cared for.

[PaintingByNumbers]

Thats good about your nephew. I hope she isnt drink driving with him in the car though (every alcoholic i've ever known ....)
Glad you were able to take a step back here and disengage. V sad situation.

[Peanutbuttercheese]

You can't sort this out so don't send anything again though you did the right thing. Have any idea why she is an alcoholic? There is more to this, maybe you don't know why her behaviour is more than just being selfish.

The alcoholism, attention seeking, issues with money, ranting and manipulation.

[CactusJelly00]

Her problems with alcohol go back years, she goes through phases of being better and phases of being awful (no awful phases as yet since having her ds) I know when her alcoholism started - when she was in a shared house aged approx 17 (it was a long time ago now). She lost her job, instead of doing anything about it she just drank and drank and drank until my mother sorted her out (nigh on dragged her back to the family home and paid off her rent debt and a damages bill for falling through something while pissed, my mum had to take on a big overdraft to do this. My sister has never acknowledged this and would likely rather forget it). It's been down and uphill from there on in stages. We've never been close due to a 10yr age gap (she's the younger sibling) I moved out early on and we just didn't have much in common, that hasn't changed since.
As for an actual cause I don't know, but I know she's never sought help even through the worst periods. I don't know how much she still drinks or how it effects her, as my info is all second hand and conflicting and she won't talk to me about it. But she has told me when she's drinking, sometimes, but doesn't see a problem. Ie I'll text her and ask how she's doing and she'll say "I'm on my 2nd bottle of wine, dsname is in bed, nice chill night" but as I said I don't know the full extent of it.
Her spending has also always been problematic, right down to having thousands of pounds of catalogue debt at one point - unsure if this is still the case.
She used to (maybe still does I don't know) have literally a triple wardrobe plus vac bags shoved in cupboards full of stuff she's never worn, still has tags on sometimes even. I remember helping her have a sort out a few years ago (before she had her ds, so at least 4yrs back) and there was just so much stuff, she'd even say "oh god I don't even remember buying that!" Or "I forgot I even had that dress!". It's mostly cheap stuff (boohoo/peacocks/primark) but loads of it... she can't bear to have cheap or 2nd hand stuff when it comes to furniture and will throw out perfectly good things because it doesn't match or another cosmetic reason, spend spend spend. Which is fine if you have the money, not so when she's never earned much more than NMW. But I think she needs to hit rock bottom on her own before she will make a change and actually seek help (be it for financial problems or alcoholism) but because she has a child I don't think I can convince anyone to stop helping her, at least with cash. I feel foolish for helping her myself even though it was only food and a few extra bits. Won't be making that mistake again

[CactusJelly00]

Drink driving isn't an issue btw (sorry missed that)
She doesn't have a license or car.

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

"No good deed goes unpunished"

Op you did a lovely thing but this is probably all about you being smart enough not too give her the cash. Good on you for telling her to "F off"

You nephew is well cared for but it sounds a bit like he's shoved from pillar to post a bit, to indirectly enable his mum to carry on drinking and not grow up. Can he have a more stable base? I know it's not up to you but worth a proper discussion with your family? Also make sure the rest of the family know your sister has a "pet" and the aresache they will get if they fail to provide for it!