AIBU to be a nag

[AmiU]

I am at my wits end with DH. We've been married 8 years and fight incessantly. He maintains this is because I'm a 'nag' who is perpetually arsey. I'm always looking for faults and it's entirely my doing that our relationship is so rubbish.

I feel like I am driven to constant nagging by his behaviour but I hate saying that, as it sounds awfully close to an abusive/ controlling partner.

These were tonight's events, but they pretty much represent every day of our lives.

DH has been gone for a week. Four days for a business trip and then three days tacked on as a holiday (annual leave) to stay somewhere warm and sunny with his family. Holiday was not discussed with me, when I pointed out it should have been, I was told I was a terrible person trying to isolate him from his family. Conference call was held with his family discussing my faults.

I've been home alone with a DD5 and DS2, both unwell and asthmatic, no support network or childcare.

I really did not want to argue on his first day back.

He flew back this evening (first class) and:

Called from the taxi to enquire about dinner. Moaned about what I'd made and asked for different dinner. I made modifications.

Entered, throwing jacket on the floor, kicking off shoes and socks, opening suitcase and flinging out belongings while searching for a present. I politely asked him not to make a mess. Was ignored.

Said present was showed off. It was a designer present for himself, from the airport. Nothing for me. I admired the present.

Went to use the toilet and left a disgusting mess. Did not clean it. I ask him to do so nearly every day of my life. Ignored each time.

He demanded a back massage to de-stress from the flight (child free! First class!) I complied. Whined about how rubbish my massage was, he could tell I wasn't exerting enough effort.

I asked him to help with a small component of the bedtime routine (heating milk for DS). Was told I was inconsiderate as he'd had a long flight. Did bedtime myself, as I have for the last week and every weeknight.

Got to DS's room to find that he had passed out on DS's bed, snoring incredible loudly. Asked him to move. He replied I was picking a fight, my child and I are too precious, I should work around him and put DS to sleep. DS obviously wouldn't settle, and has taken forever to go to sleep. I have just left his room at 10:30 pm!

I am now FUMING and I know I won't have the patience to do it all again tomorrow without snapping.

I feel really guilty, because it's true that he gets on with whatever he wants to do, and suggests I do the same. I'm the one whose always pointing out his behaviour. I don't want to be controlling and bitter and negative but I feel as though I'm backed into a corner, or AIBU?

[arethereanyleftatall]

Ok. I would have left him years ago, when this nonsense all started.
Regarding tonight, same situation for me and dh, who I like and love, as he does me: he wouldn't have gone without discussing it, he wouldn't have expected dinner, I wouldn't have changed it if I had done dinner, he wouldn't have thrown his stuff down for someone else to pick up, he would have had presents for all of us not himself, I wouldn't have given him a massage following him being an arse, he would have done all childcare that night whilst I relaxed.
I think that's normal, yours is awful, ltb.

[gamerchick]

These are not small things OP.

He’s treating you like staff, not a wife or the mother of his children. Stop pandering to him. So what if he calls you a nag!

[grumptastic]

I have to say i dont think u are being a nag! I think u are asking him to act like a grown up and a partner to you. You are not his slave and he treats you like one. My dp would never treat me like that because he respects me and we are a partnership. It sounds like his family are enabling him too with the conference call. He is obviously used to having his own way and you are not helping yourself by allowing it to happen. He needs to realise he is being unreasonable otherwise I dont see how u can continue. 💐💐 for you for all you are putting up with.

[Strokethefurrywall]

He's a massive cunt. Your life (and your children's) will be beautiful beyond believe without this poor excuse of a man in it.

[tallwivglasses]

These are not small things. Please make plans to leave this selfish fucker before he sucks the last semblance of life out of you. Seriously.

[AmiU]

Tall - I'm slowly realising I might have to leave. I feel so ashamed that my poor life choices have backed me and my children into this corner.

Unfortunately I'm a SAHM (at his insistence) and we're both from a culture where divorce is massively frowned upon. His family is also very influential in our home country.

So i won't just have to walk away from him, but my family, financial
Security and my home country as well. It just feels so overwhelming.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Well you've two options.

1. Walk away with a chance of a happy life.
   
2. Stay with no chance.
   

We only get one life op.

[lelapaletute]

OP, who are your supports? Will anyone back you up/help you? He is being LOATHSOME to you and your kids. But it's not easy to walk away without support of some sort. Who is your best friend/ally? Call them in the morning and tell them what you told us, as a snapshot of what you're dealing with. They will back you up as you do this difficult thing xx

[MyKingdomForBrie]

But you must know you’re not complaining about ‘little things’ - none of those are little things, you know that.

He is selfish, ignorant, rude and demeaning. You’re allowing him to treat you like shit. It’s not going to change.

If you can’t face leaving then stop facilitating at least. No cooking, cleaning or laundry. Get a cleaner, ignore his dirty clothes and do not prepare him any food.

Talking clearly pays no toll with this man.

[LittleKiwi]

Is this real? This sounds like an awful situation to live in!!!!

You can have my first ever LTB. Genuinely shocked.

[LittleKiwi]

Sorry - read your follow up posts. Don’t feel ashamed for being kind and accommodating. He should feel ashamed for taking you for granted. Awful.

[walnutwhip88]

DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE

[Turkkadin]

I just knew he was of a different culture. To men like your husband women are for nothing more than domestic care and sex. You are there solely to serve him and his every need and desire. You don't have a marriage at all really. It's just an arrangement that keeps a roof over you and your children's heads and food in your stomachs.
Did you grow up seeing your own mother and female relatives treated like this? Maybe you thought it was normal until you joined MN.
You will never ever have any respect, care or love from this vile pig.

[MrLovebucket]

If my partner treated me like that he'd have my foot so far up his arse I'd be wearing him like a shoe.

Sorry to be MN predictable but I'd LTB

[Turkkadin]

Breathtakingly selfish

[tiddleywinks27]

Kind of hoping this is a fake or a joke post??

If it's for real then I'm so sorry for you as your husband sounds like a total arse! I'd start planning how I was going to leave him if I were you.

Conference call with his family...just wow!!

[Clitoria]

Is being a massive piece of shit not frowned upon in his shitty culture?
‘Nagging’ is a word used to dismiss and silence women for their usually entirely valid requests for sharing the load of life choices.

What’s the point of this except for your kids learning this is how relationships work? The sole purpose of a relationship is that (apart from times of bereavement and crisis) it’s meant to be FUN, it’s meant to enhance your life, that’s the whole point. You’re meant to be a team and have each other’s back and cherish each other. He has monumentally failed. You only get one life.

[Triskaidekaphilia]

Stop doing anything for him. When he complains, call him a nag!

In seriousness though, I agree that you need to find a way out. He sounds awful.

[MelinaM]

He sounds incredibly selfish OP, my DH is from an Algerian background and your DH's behaviour resonates with that of my DH's male relatives, they're like overgrown children. I really feel for you😞

Do you have any support here OP?

[laudanum]

DUMP HIM.

He sounds like a complete and utter prick to be quite honest.

[dentalplanlisaneedsbraces]

Fucking hell. He's a first class wanker. LTB

[givemesteel]

I think the issue is that your situation won't improve significantly if it is enshrined in yours and his culture that it is acceptable for him to treat you this way, which it sounds like it is. Yes you can be less obliging (stop the back massages and changing dinners etc) but that not going to make him the sort of dh that helps with childcare, thinks about your needs and doesn't conf call his family to complain about you (!). Unless you think the threat of divorce would give him a wake up call.

Did you have a job / career before marrying him / kids?

I think it is easy for us from a different culture to say ltb but we haven't got those cultural pressures. Your husband's behaviour is certainly worthy of divorce but only you can decide if you can manage if you get disowned by your community.

I would start playing a long game, find yourself some part to me work at least. Stop being such a compliant wife. Start squirreling money away. Get legal advice. Get contraception he doesn't know about (eg implant). Basically try and make a plan where you can leave in 12 months time.

[AmiU]

"Did you grow up seeing your own mother and female relatives treated like this? Maybe you thought it was normal until you joined MN."

Exactly this

[Shoxfordian]

Your husband sounds very disrespectful and sexist. If I make dinner for my partner then he eats it all and thanks me for doing it; doesn't complain and ask for something else- you shld remind your husband you're not running a restaurant!

Your children are learning this is normal in a relationship from you; if you leave him then they'll see it is not ok

[GoldfishCrackers]

Oh OP this is no way to live. I can't see how you could preserve your mental well-being living with this. It's brilliant that you're questioning this: you know you deserve better than this.

Using the word 'nag', only used to describe women, is a nasty trick. It trivialises the request and puts you in your place. Makes women scared to ask to be treated like human beings in case we're seen as nagging. Could you just imagine if your husband did any of those things at work? Walked in and emptied his bag on the floor, shat all over the toilet and fell asleep in a colleague's chair? He'd be pulled up on it right away; he'd be rightly embarrassed; and if he had to be asked twice, the focus would be on him being messy/rude/lazy, not on the colleague being a nag.