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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anger after rape

14 replies

Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 11:49

Hi I was abused as a child by a family member. I went on to have a 23yr marriage and 4 children, lost my virginity to my DH at 13. 2 years ago while working away from home I was raped. I never told my DH and my marriage broke down. I told him a week ago and he initially seemed supportive and has since become quite awful about other areas of my life, parenting etc. I just feel so angry towards him for letting me down after finally trusting him with it. He just retaliates with stay away from me and leave me alone. I feel so ashamed for opening up to him to be let down this way

OP posts:
SparkyFire · 25/11/2017 11:54

That sounds awful.

How old is your husband that he slept with you when you were 13?
Are you still together?
Has he always been unsupportive?

Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 11:55

I just want to add that I feel so isolated and hurt. My anger is so fierce at times and he said something a few days after I told him which had a threat of violence in it towards a young girl who had hurt one of our children. It tipped me over the edge that after disclosing something so delicate to him that he would then talk of women in such a way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 11:59

He is 3 years older than me and we had our first child when i was 17. It was a very good marriage to begin with and we had a very good life. But as years went by he became a different person. I had opened up to him about 10yrs into our relationship about the abuse as a child and he made me feel quite ashamed of it. Which I think is why I took so long after our separation to discuss the rape with him. Now I feel completely foolish for going to my ex with such a difficult issue for me. I just feel so angry about it all and I aim it at him

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Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 12:00

He is 3 years older than me and we had our first child when i was 17. It was a very good marriage to begin with and we had a very good life. But as years went by he became a different person. I had opened up to him about 10yrs into our relationship about the abuse as a child and he made me feel quite ashamed of it. Which I think is why I took so long after our separation to discuss the rape with him. Now I feel completely foolish for going to my ex with such a difficult issue for me. I just feel so angry about it all and I aim it at him

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picklemepopcorn · 25/11/2017 13:10

I'm so sorry. I've had experience of the people I told reacting badly. Really wildly inappropriately badly.

To be honest, he doesn't sound like a sensitive caring guy, so perhaps it isn't surprising.

Have you been able to talk to anyone about the abuse and later rape? I haven't really, but am planning to soon. I have a counsellor selected for trauma reduction therapy. I just need to manage a few current situations first so I can give it my full attention.

Thanks
Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 13:26

Yes I too am looking into seeking some professional help. I just feel so isolated. I thought I could trust my ex to support me as a friend but now I just feel completely foolish for thinking he may react differently to when I confided in him about my childhood abuse. I feel like he didn't deserve to know this about me. I'm so upset and angry it's another thing to have to deal with

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picklemepopcorn · 25/11/2017 15:18

You are right, he didn't deserve your confidence. In a way that doesn't matter- it's his inadequacy, not yours. What matters for you is finding someone better to talk to. Have you tried any of the helplines?

Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 16:01

To be honest I don't really know where to start. I'm also terrified to open up but at the same time having no one to talk to is like a pressure can waiting to explode. Usually such a confident person but this is eating away at me. I don't know how much longer I can carry the burden

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Mustang27 · 25/11/2017 16:02

I'm sorry he has behaved in such a manner. Not to show you any type of understanding is a disgrace. Do not rely on the horrible human any more seek some support ASAP. There are lots of options out there, wether it's one on one, group support just whatever you feel will be less intense for you. Have you considered reporting these incidents it may feel better to tell someone who deals with this every day and to get the information out there. You don't have to press charges or take it forward but there could be others out there that have been abused and victims of the same people and it helps them to prosecute if someone does decide to take it forward. Obviously you do not have to do that at all if your not comfortable.

You sound like you are a very strong lady listen to absolutely nothing that your cretin husband is saying Thanks

Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 16:09

I'm just so angry and I need to channel it some other way as I direct it at him and in turn he just becomes an awful person back to me. He has no real compassion and never has had. I was managing just fine and now that I've opened up and feel so rejected by him that I'm struggling to cope with it all again. I don't eat or sleep and it's starting to affect my daily life. Just really need someone I can trust to listen. That's all I want really is someone to just listen

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Mustang27 · 25/11/2017 16:15

I understand but a bunch of words from a load of strangers on the internet will unlikely be enough to help you to start to heal. You can though there are lots of options. There are many rape and abuse survivors on mumsnet who will have much better advice than me so I won't fill your thread up with my waffle. Have you tried the Samaritans just to get it out there? Iv suffered depression on and off since my youth and it always materialises into anger and rage I'm very rarely sad. Get yourself to your gp too and explain what's going on they can refer you to lots of different revenues.

What do you like doing? Try and fill your free time with those things too. It will take time but you can get to a better calmer place in yourself.

picklemepopcorn · 25/11/2017 16:20

We can listen. Lots of us have similar experiences. Anger is good, it is reasonable to be angry about it.

What has helped me when I've been disappointed by people's reactions is to change my expectations of them. So in your case, you have learned that he doesn't have the emotional capacity to support you. When you accept that he just isn't capable, then you will be less angry with him.
Look elsewhere for support, and just do the coparenting that you need to with him.

Original poster
Kerlouphil · 25/11/2017 16:49

Thank you. I think that's what I have realises, we have been attempting to be friends and he's always telling me in his best friend but it's only really on offer from him when it suits. I think we have different ideas of friendship and I thought I could turn to him as he was already aware of my past so figured he would have a better understanding. I couldn't have been more wrong. I think this hurts sometimes just as much as the actual act of suffering that I have been through. When someone tells you they will be there for you no matter what, you feel so vulnerable so you open up. I then got angry about another issue relating to one of our children and I'm told to stay away and leave him alone. Couldn't imagine someone I love tell me something so horrific and then turning on them because they displayed some anger and frustration. I just feel so empty and exhausted and lonely

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picklemepopcorn · 25/11/2017 18:40

I'm afraid he's saying that so you will be nice to him, not so he can support you.

There are better people in the world.

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