AIBU not to let ex take son on holiday?

[LillyPillly]

My exH and I literally separated this morning. It has been 10 years of emotional, occasionally physical and a lot of verbal and financial abuse. I feel like I can finally get my sanity back and start working towards a happy future for me and my 3 kids.

After being separated for approximately an hour ex texts me and says he wants to take our eldest son (the only one without autism) on holiday for a week in December.

But now I am scared that he won't come back with our son. He is a controlling and manipulative bully and I wouldn't put it past him to take our son and never come back BUT if i don't let him then he could make my life hell forever. He might just want to take our son for a holiday, but I honestly can't be sure.

He has already said that he will probably only have a relationship with out eldest son cos the other 2 have never bonded with him (nice right) so AIBU to say he can't take him? Our eldest is 5 and is a total mummy boy and doesn't even want to go with his dad.

Sorry if this is ranty. Today has been a very emotional day.

AIBU?

I'd be telling him hell no way. Three kids but only wants to bother with one? Great dad

Urgh what a total arsehole say no he has school and it isn't fair on the others OR just ignore the text he is trying to getinto your head.

What a disgusting excuse for a father. I personally wouldn't let him, it's all or nothing, you can't cherry pick your kids.
If he gets to have a special relationship with the oldest doing time together and holidays and ignores the others, it will harm the oldests relationship with his siblings. They will come to resent him.

Id tell him access arrangements need to be sorted out via your solicitor and you'll pass in the details once you have one. Then get a solicitor.

Why don't you tell him that he can but on the condition that he takes all of them. He will suddenly remember that he is actually 'busy' after all very quickly I think and you will have something to show the court if he causes problems for you in the future.

Ok, thanks for your advice. Im in Australia so it's actually during the summer holidays.

I will definitely go and see the police about the abuse tomorrow so it is on record. I have reported a previous incident to them, but didn't elaborate at the time.

He is definitely planning on spending time with the eldest but probably never seeing the others cos they are really hard work. Basically a total dropkick of a father.

Our youngest 2 boys are autistic btw, hence why he doesn't want to take them

Oh right ok well do as a pp suggested said access will neecd to be sorted with a solicitor

To prevent a shitstorm for you to deal with just now, could you maybe suggest that it's too soon to take him on holiday as given the recent break up, there's a lot of adjustment and settling needed first?

This gives you some breathing room to consider how you want to approach it next time and see how involved he has been until then?

This is a UK forum, so are Australian laws same/similar regarding parental responsibility? Because if he has it in this country, there is sweet FA you can do about it.

Get a passport for your son and have the court hold. on to it.
Get custody sorted. ASAP . Most family courts will not look kindly on a father who wants contact with one child only.
Fact that DS does t want o goodie also important. Good luck

This is a UK forum, so are Australian laws same/similar regarding parental responsibility? Because if he has it in this country, there is sweet FA you can do about it

Australian family law is really quite different to uk To be honest if I was there I would be getting legal advice ASAP.

It’s also not correct that in the uk she could do nothing about it, whilst our courts really don’t like consent for leaving the uk for holidays to be unreasonably refused, the key word is unreasonably.

In the uk all parties with PR need to consent before a child can legally be removed and if one party refuses its down to the other to go to court and attempt to get a court order. I would feel fairly confident arguing that excluding the 2 kids he wishes to exclude would be emotionally harmful to all 3 kids, whilst I couldn’t say for certain I would have success I would be pretty certain that the refusal in itself wouldnt be considered spiteful or unreasonable and doing so wouldn’t harm any future case that may or may not happen.
If I was guessing outcome whilst it could go either way I would be slightly more confident in my stance than I would in his

It's very soon.
I would stay detatched. Tell him that there's too much short / mid term planning and organising going on at the moment and you need to get things sorted for your sons first and foremost.
Formalise and get a feel for how dc are handling it all first.

Thanks. My gut is saying that it is too soon so I'm going to stick with that. Thanks for all your advice. Hopefully he isn't too much of an a***e when I tell him!

He probably will be because he's not getting his own way but it's not fair on any of the kids for this much upheaval so soon. His focus should be on getting some form of regular contact in place before holidays. Good luck, OP

If he has a job and and house, so ties to your area, and no passport, or is planning a holiday to a Hague convention country, he would most likely be granted the holiday through the courts. If it’s an internal holiday, and he has proof of plan to return to your home city, again will probably be granted. If the only abuse (and don’t mean to belittle what you’ve been through) has been to you, and not the child, again would be granted I supervised visits by the court system. Where does he want to go? Also in Aus, and aware of the court system here.