To think DH is perfectly capable of being responsible for childcare.

[JosephineBucket]

Firstly can I say this is absolutely not coming from DH - he is totally on board with our plan and his position is that he is a dad and it's what he needs to do.

I've been a SAHM for the majority of the past 13 years and when I have worked it's been around DH's shifts. We've never paid for childcare so when I started looking at nurseries for when i do my teacher training next year I almost cried when i found out we'd be looking at over £1000 a month. DH suggested we try to get DD into his employers on-site nursery - the places are like gold dust as it's heavily subsidised as well as very good but if we could secure a place it would more than halve the childcare bill. It would mean that he would do all pickups and dropoffs which coincide with the start and end of his shifts and be when I'm in college or on placement.

I told DM about the nursery and her first question was how would I drop DD off then get to college 10 miles away? Er, I wouldn't! She then wanted to know if DH minded/would be able to do it because men always expect the woman to do it. I did say he was happy and perfectly capable but was inwardly shaking my head . It might be different if I was constantly bitching that he doesn't pull his weight but I don't because he does! He's booked a day's holiday so I can get school experience and she's offered herself to be back up in case he can't cope with what I do every day!

And she's not the only person who's reacted like this so I was wondering if I really am expecting too much of him or just enough?

[CupanTaeAnois]

At a relatives funeral at the weekend my Daunt kept telling me how wonderful my DH was to stay at home to mind the kids and how he deserved a few nights out in return!
Did point out he was perfectly capable of parenting too and was prob happier not to be at funeral.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Weird - I would say it's almost 40-60% men-women doing the school/nursery runs.

Ignore your mum.

[drspouse]

That’s mad for the mothers not working onsite to drop off unless they’re incredibly local and their dc struggle with separating from their parents.
I know they aren't - but the husbands either can't cope with getting the DCs ready or they want to work longer hours (hence avoiding coping with both getting the DCs ready AND getting them fed/ready for bed).
I had an immediate colleague with a DC in the nursery ask me to rearrange my working day (I work part time) to come to a meeting and when I pointed out that I couldn't because I wouldn't be able to get an extra day in nursery at short notice as he should know as he has a child there, he looked blankly at me.

[MrsBartlettforthewin]

Unfortunately you’ll get this a lot. My DH does all drop offs/ pick ups as I commute an hour each way whereas he works in the local primary. He also was a stay at home parent for the first three years of dc1’s life. I still get comments from other mums I work with about how great he is to ‘have the kids for me’!? He finds it so insulting that people seem to think that as he is male he can’t possibly look after his own children or that he is a hero for doing basic parenting tasks.

[Mammylamb]

Eh? Your DM is mad! My husband shared maternity leave and also does all drop offs and pick ups as it's more practical

[Mrsdraper1]

My DH works from home and when I was still working (got made redundant and being a sahm for a few months) he would walk the kids to the school bus and pick them up in the afternoon.
When they were at nursery he wasn't always a home worker so I would drop off and he would pick up.
He is their parent and 50% responsible so why wouldn't he?
TBH I probably did take more time off when they were ill when they were small but I was part time with a lovely boss who would let me make up the time in the other half of the week (could organise DM by then to help out) so it made sense.
He has gone solo to parents evenings sometimes (when we couldn't get a sitter our primary was really strict about no kids at parents evening) and he has survived.
Your mil is weird, YANBU at all

[Mrsdraper1]

My kids old primary they went on a yellow bus.
They have moved schools now as we have moved house and now can walk as it's round the corner.

[MotherWol]

DD is at my workplace nursery, DH and I both work for the same employer. We tend to split drop-off and pick up as it works for us. Lots of dads there for the exact reason you identify - because it's next to their work, so it makes sense for them to do it. No-one bats an eyelid. Go for it - if you can get affordable, good quality childcare, you'd be mad not to!

[JosephineBucket]

Glad to hear all these partner's manhoods have survived

I think the thing that drives me most mad about this attitude is that I went back to work part-time when DS1 was 18 months old and DH was absolutely fine looking after him.

Mummyoflittledragon we have talked about how intense the training will be and that for term time at least he will have to be the default parent. The only time I can envisage dropping DD off when he's at work is in the holidays if I was to need the car and peace to get coursework done (we'd have to pay for the nursery anyway).

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Your dh sounds very supportive. That’s great

[MimiSunshine]

It’s not an unusual perception unfortunately. My boyfriend does pick up, we purposely picked a nursery that was convenient for us both to get to but the amount of people who were surprised he was doing equal parenting when it came to this was still a lot.

And even more shocking her parents solo for 2hrs before I get home. [whispers] he even puts dinner ready for when I walk in 😱

One of my friends didn’t use the nursery she preferred because she couldn’t drop off early enough in the morning even though her husband leaves home an hour after she does. When I asked why he didn’t do drop off at the preferred one rather than using the one near her work she looked at me as if it was the most astonishing suggestion she’d ever heard.

[outabout]

Since the only things a man can't do is give birth and breastfeed the attitudes and 'surprise' being expressed by some are quite pathetic.

[JosephineBucket]

I don't think I could even consider teacher training without a supportive DH. There are many things that are terrifying me about it, not least working full-time for the first time in years and leaving baby in nursery, but at least I don't have to worry about that.

If I had to do drop offs DD would have to go in for 7am as some placements expect you to start as early as 7.30. It would greatly increase mine and DD's day.

[MumW]

Good Luck with the training. I envy you the support as I've considered it but know that DH wouldn't understand or accept the out of school hours needed.

[IWouldLikeToKnow]

My husband works shifts so is home 2-3 days a week with our son. I regularly am reminded by people how “lucky” I am that he looks after him. If it were the other way round I know for sure not one person would say to him that he’s lucky that I looked after him!!

[JosephineBucket]

MumW I'm sorry you wouldn't get the support you'd need, it's not fair especially if it's something you would really like to do.

I think that I've always insisted on equal parenting because I grew up with a mum who did most of the parenting, all the housework AND worked outside the home. I do think DM is a little jealous that I ended up with a man who would be willing to do this but it's partly that he comes from a different generation than my lovely but slightly misogynistic step dad but mainly because I couldn't be with someone like that.

[SandyY2K]

Your mum is from a generation where men didn't did much childcare... so that's where she's coming from.

[BiddyPop]

Generally DH dropped off and I collected when DD was in Creche - from 4 months to 4yrs9mths. Apart from when we needed to juggle because 1 of us couldn't do "our" time for work reasons (or the odd Friday night pint after work). Or the last 2 days as DH was in plaster (broken wrist).

There were also plenty of days where either of us did both ends of the day. Dh was as well known in Creche as I was.

So absolutely no problem!

[RatRolyPoly]

If he can drive the car and lift dd in and out of her car seat he can do drop-offs and pick-ups!

[Marmite27]

My DC are in a similar nursery to your DH’s set up OP.

There are plenty of dads doing drop offs, possibly fractionally more than the mums tbh. It’s very normal in my workplace.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

YANBU. My DH has always done equal drop off /pick up for childcare right from eldest being 9 months old as the only way we can manage is one of us starting and finishing later and dropping off and the other starting and finishing early and picking up. If they are capable of holding down a job they are capable of managing around childcare, it's the motivation that's lacking in most cases

[lessthanBeau]

My dh does breakfast club drop off as he leaves later than me, and although he's the main breadwinner and has a professional job and I work a part time menial job, If dd is ill he has to stay home as he can work online, I have other people relying on me so it's harder for me to call in at last minute.

[Monoblock67]

My husband does quite a lot of the school drop offs as his working hours allow for it, and mine don’t three days a week. The amount of comments I get from the other mums about how lucky I am to have such a lovely husband who does the drop offs. Yes he is lovely but it’s only bloody fair!! This will change soon and DS1 will be going to breakfast club more often and DH won’t be doing any drop off or pick ups anymore-let’s see if I get heaps of praise for doing it on my regular days 🙄

[FadedRed]

This sort of thread makes my heart sink. I'm probably as old or older than most of the posters so far, and my DC were regularly dropped off or picked up from nursery by DH thirty years ago, and he certainly wasn't the only father doing the nursery run at that time. Such a shame that this attitude to both parents looking after their children has died the death decades ago.

[FadedRed]

hasn't died the death bloody autocorrect make me look like an numty yet again