to ask about obesity

[deliverdaniel]

I'm genuinely starting this thread because I"m at my wits end and v frightened, not to be goady. But I am aware that it's very very easy to get this wrong.
DM is morbidly obese (approximately 12 stone overweight.) She can now barely walk across the room without getting out of breath. She is in constant pain from her knees and hips. When we see her we have to arrange all our activities around this (we have v active young DC but have to go with her to places with zero walking involved/ a place to sit down immediately etc etc.) She can't really play with her DGC at all as she can't move around/ cant' get down on the floor to do a puzzle with them and certainly cant' take them out etc etc so I feel she misses out on a lot. It seriously affects our relationship in lots of ways.
She does work (in a sedentary job) and her life revolves around this . Her work and how busy she is, is always the reason/ excuse she gives as to why she can't make any lifestyle changes at all.
I am terrified that she is going to die soon and so sad to watch her quality of life be so low. I am also scared (selfishly) that soon she will need full time care, and I am the only one who will be able to provide this. She occasionally says she will go on a diet or whatever, but never does, and just eats more and more.

I have tried everything- staying quiet and saying nothing about it, encouraging her to diet/ offering to do various exercise things with her etc etc and even getting angry and saying that its affecting all of us (I'm not proud of this last one.) Sometimes I do feel angry about it though and it's really hard not to feel this way.

If you are or have ever been obese- can you help me understand why she would be this way? Why she wouldn't even try to make a change? is there anything I can do to help her? I'm all for body positivity etc but I love her and am frightened and would love to know if I can do anything.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[deliverdaniel]

thanks so much everyone for your kind and supportive comments. I was worried I was going to get flamed for fat shaming etc and so I really appreciate what you all have said.

In answer to a couple of questions- she is now nearly 70 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. It feels as though this really is her final final chance to do something and not give up on it all. I want her to be there for the important milestones in my DCs lives, but I know deep down this won't happen and that makes me so sad. I can't say exactly what her job is but it is something with high responsibility and relatively prestigious and I think that gives her a big self esteem boost and so she is very resistant to retiring and uses it as a way of avoiding other issues.

Yes- maybe it is me who needs to get the therapy here. I go back and forth bewteen thinking- I can't just give up on her and leave her to kill herself and not wanting to ruin the relationship we do have by constantly mentioning it/ making her feel bad. I know that she knows the score. I know it's only her that can change. FWIW, when I do mention it I only ever do so in context of being worried about her health/ that I love her etc. I never ever talk about her actual weight or anything like that. People have said lots of really insightful things about denial etc. Thanks so much.

[picklemepopcorn]

At 70, it will be really hard for her to lose weight! And my lovely slim, fit all his life dad isn’t going to make it to 79 where as my yo-yo overweight all her life mum is still going strong.
I would stop focussing on it, and enjoy your time together as best you can. Don’t waste it or make it stressful by worrying about th8ngs you can’t change.

[lljkk]

My mother was an alcoholic. She worked until she dropped, too. I came to conclusion she had lost her sanity, tbh. She couldn't be sane - maybe never. It astonished me that anyone could be surprised when she died suddenly (depression-alcohol-cigaretttes-bad choices related).

I would feel the same if she had been Huge. The whole situation was out of my control & my mother was invested in being how she was. It's kind that you're a better person than me & still want to engage. I realise I could do nothing, and this was somewhat liberating. At least, I had no issues to resolve when my DM died.

[Mrsdraper1]

I think she must have zero self esteem. My MiL is the same although she has never worked, she has always been a Sahm and been bullied by her in laws and her husband. The in laws died years ago but FiL is still a bully.
If someone has no confidence they don't care about themselves enough to make the change.

[Flumplet]

@notanurse2017 it’s the best I’ve ever done and it always ends up going back on - it’s difficult dieting when you have binge eating disorder. Binge / purge cycle.

[skittycat]

I am about 10 stone overweight.

I know my health is at risk, but I am an emotional eater and unfortunately the short term fix currently feels more rewarding. I know it’s something I need to do, but having the motivation to actually do it when you feel like crap is quite a challenge.

I rely on food to make me happy and I guess part of me is scared of what happens when that isn’t there anymore. I know I should fill the gap with other stuff that makes me happy but when I feel so crap it isn’t that easy.

I also know that there’s nothing anyone can do or say to make me try lose the weight - I have to be in the right frame of mind to do it otherwise I just push back and secret eat.