Aibu to think seperate houses is a good idea?

[Mrsknackered]

Right so I love DP, a lot. But I hate his messiness, and I hate who it's making me become.
I moan and moan, beg and recently even CRIED about it.
He felt bad, so cleaned the oven. Right before I was about to start cooking the Sunday dinner. For guests.
I lost my shit, and said to him if he cannot see how he can help, then I think the answer maybe separate houses. I can't live like this, and it's like he doesn't even see it half the time. I'm not even a hugely tidy person, either!

Just so I'm not dripfeeding: He worked shifts before - often starting 3pm and finishing at 3am, so majority of childcare and cleaning has always just been done by me, he is now doing 9-4.30, Monday to Friday, so I'm expecting a LOT more.

[nowwheredidmyunicorngo]

YANBU OP.

I am seriously considering this.

Two houses obviously cost more than one , but if living together means you separate, then you'd be paying for two houses anyway.

I think it may be the way forward.

[Floellabumbags]

I have friends who bought houses next door to each other so they don't get on each others' tits too much. I'd do it but we have kids and we'd just argue over who had to put up with them. We may as well both suffer.

[FlashTheSloth]

YANBU. I get soooo fed up with having to micro manage everything in the home. DH does have his strengths but they can be few and far between when it comes to keeping a home and seeing to DCs.

A few examples:-

Took some stuff from the machine to put new load in (that I had already sorted and asked him to do), sruff in machine was clean, dry stuff, he put it on the floor and just left it there until I folded it and put it away.

Folds clothes, my 6 year old can fold better. It all needs redoing because of how crumpled it is. Sometimes takes basket of washing upstairs, leaves it for the fairies to put away. When i asked recently for him to put DCs clothes away, he apparently had no idea where their clothes went.

Have a DD with long hair. I had to tell him, after a few years, that her hair needs to be brushed in the mornings, he actually asked why.

He vacuumed on a Saturday, when I said a week later it needed doing again, he wanted to know why.

If it was down to him, towels and bedding would never ever be changed.

Wipes the bloody floor with the dish cloth.

I used to hate it when he had to go away from work. I actually like it now and find I'm much calmer as I'm not pissed off at having to manage a fully grown adult.

[MyRelationshipIsWeird]

His friend is always looking for a housemate, he's less than a mile away. He could stay here, be here for dinners and everything but I cannot be doing this anymore. It's ridiculous. Ready made answer Mrsknackered. Go for it!

I live separately from my DP partly for this reason. I get so fed up with the whole "men don't see mess" bullshit. They don't 'see' it because they don't have to.

We were building some furniture at my house this week and he just pulled off packaging and dropped it on the floor. I'm there rolling it up and putting it in the bin, but he'll just use the floor like a bin. That might make sense if he had any intention of hoovering up afterwards but of course he won't. That's on me.

Those saying get a cleaner are missing the point. A cleaner won't be there everyday to pick up his shit off the floor. Once a week you'll get a tidy house where some other poor woman has had to pick up after him instead of you. The rest of the week you're looking at food wrappers on the floor, open cupboard doors, clothes all over the place and smelly laundry.

Let him look after himself for a while and see if he realises how bad it gets. If he does he might make himself live-with-able in future but at least in the meantime you won't have to traipse around after him picking up his trail of crap.

[Council]

Cleaners don't really deal with mess though, do they? The place has to be tidy for them to clean and if they tidy they're only going to put stuff in neat piles, they can't/won't put it away.

[IHATEPeppaPig]

OP I am completely sympathetic - my DP sounds worse if I’m honest. I was so sick and tired of moaning all the time I got a cleaner and make him pay - he goes on and on about what a waste of money it is but when I say ‘okay, we’ll draw up a rota as I’m not your mother’ he soon shuts up.

If highly recommend a cleaner - it’s saved my sanity.

[Council]

Oh for me, it's not about his mess, he's not that bad really, he just does things differently and I like thing my way.

[bottlesandcans]

Why are so many posters continuing to have children with these men who cannot even wipe a work surface down?

[Miniwerewolfhugs]

I enjoyed that documentary about Chris Packham recently, he lives separately from his Gf as he needs his space and likes his things just so. I think it's a great solution for us too as we each like things organised our own way which is very different to each other. Dh agreed and we plan to buy the 3 adjoining houses in our terrace and have one each and one for dd, with the garden knocked into one so the dog can run between houses. We would meet up on Friday night for a takeaway and watch a film.

[headintheproverbial]

YANBU. We have a cleaner and it doesn't help.

[MountainDweller]

To those of you saying hire a cleaner, I don’t think it would solve the problem - unless the cleaner came every day!

It’s the constant trail of detritus that’s so infuriating.

DH worked away Mon-Fri for a year, I missed him but not the mess.

[brasty]

If there are no kids at home, then yes I can see the attraction.

[Council]

If we're being serious about it brasty I do think there are compelling reasons why families should live together whenever possible during the child rearing years, but that's coming to an end for me and I really want those log cabins.

[brasty]

But who does the childcare and associated work?

[Council]

I really like the idea of a pair of log cabins (or caravans!) in an idyllic location

[WhatALoadOfOldBollocks]

I lived with a man once...never again. He'd go for a run, come home drenched in sweat and then sit on the fabric sofa. I had to point out that his arse sweat would be permeating the sofa fabric! He'd have a shower and leave water over the bathroom floor and wet towel on the bed. He'd make a cup of tea, leave the milk out (on a warm day), and leave splatters on the worktop. Take something out of a drawer and leave it open a few inches. Take something out of a cupboard and leave the door open. He'd put dirty dishes "to soak" then not wash up, so there'd be a bowl of dirty cold water and dirty dishes in the sink for hours. He'd do the washing up badly so plates still had food stuck on them, then not like it when I asked him to redo them. It kills the love, it really does. I'd love a relationship but seperate houses, something like either side of a semi, is the way to go. Unfortunately I suspect most people couldn't afford to do it.

[user1493413286]

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9055288
This article says it all for me

[user1493413286]

Sometimes I genuinely think that houses or flats next door to each other are the answer to some of mine and OHs problems as we could be in each other’s places when the other one is home but I wouldn’t constantly come home to loads of mess and I wouldn’t feel so much resentment at doing so much. Sadly the costs of that wouldn’t be possible.

[RaindropsAndSparkles]

Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did it. They still separated.

Can you give him specific jobs op. Bins Monday, sweeping outside Tuesday, outdoor paintwork Wednesday, Hoover x and y room Thursday, unload and put shopping away Friday, bins and clean box Saturday, and if it's all don nicely sex on Sunday

[MistressDeeCee]

I would never live with a man again. I don't want their mess and stress. Or even their daily presence. Tried it twice before. Nope. Actually OH is a lot tidier than me tho. Together 5 years, live separately will see each other 4/5 times weekly split between him staying over here or me going there. We like having a couple of days to ourself. Both self-employed which is intense at times. If I want extra day to myself and vice versa then it's cool. I had mental load with ExH...not only housework, other stuff. It's soul-destroying.

OP all I can think of is a Rota. & side rules...don't walk out of room leaving cup/plate on table..hang up coat when you enter the house...it will be like talking to a child tho. Would do my head in. Perhaps a Cleaner is the way forward to save all this angst. Bet he'd make mess within minutes of her leaving tho. Do these type of men not realise how un-sexy this renders them?!

[MistressDeeCee]

I would never live with a man again. I don't want their mess and stress. Or even their daily presence. Tried it twice before. Nope. Actually OH is a lot tidier than me tho. Together 5 years, live separately will see each other 4/5 times weekly split between him staying over here or me going there. We like having a couple of days to ourself. Both self-employed which is intense at times. If I want extra day to myself and vice versa then it's cool. I had mental load with ExH...not only housework, other stuff. It's soul-destroying.

OP all I can think of is a Rota. & side rules...don't walk out of room leaving cup/plate on table..hang up coat when you enter the house...it will be like talking to a child tho. Would do my head in. Perhaps a Cleaner is the way forward to save all this angst. Bet he'd make mess within minutes of her leaving tho. Do these type of men not realise how un-sexy this renders them?!

[Ttbb]

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just hire a cleaner?

[Mrsknackered]

His friend is always looking for a housemate, he's less than a mile away. He could stay here, be here for dinners and everything but I cannot be doing this anymore. It's ridiculous.

[JetCityWoman]

This is my ideal relationship. Houses next door. I really need my space. Crave it. I'm currently struggling with a 10yo not understanding my need for space. A grown man doing it would send me over the edge.

[Blankiefan]

I know someone who did this. She was ready to properly split up. She gave him an ultimatum so he bought her a new house and she moved out. (He's v. wealthy)

12 years later they're still together - just in different houses but still a couple and they parent their ds together. They're very happy.

Don't know how you'd manage it if not pretty well off tho.. well you could mange it but I reckon you'd resent the extra / "wasted" cash.