Comment to my daughter. Would you be annoyed with this?

[TheStoic]

My 12yo son is particularly good at maths and has won some awards etc. My 10yo daughter struggles with it and has said before that she thinks she’s stupid.

Daughter is getting some extra maths help in class with a teacher’s aid. Another TA is listening in one day and says ‘Oh wow! Your brother would have finished that in seconds, wouldn’t he!’

I thought that was a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say. Daughter wasn’t particularly fazed. She said ‘well, it’s true!’

Would you be annoyed? If so, would you do anything about it?

[Originalfoogirl]

I would be annoyed Amanda I would bring it to their attention.

[StefMay]

Children react to labels and it is damaging.

I was the "clever one"
My sister was the "pretty slim one"

Therefore, by default, I assumed I was fat and ugly and my sister fit into the I'm thick category.

Not great for self esteem.

Love the response above, ‘You do know I’m a different person?". Perfect and I shall be teaching by DC this!

[lljkk]

It wasn't helpful comment but I wouldn't think about it long. I'd want to try to convince my DD that some people will always be better at stuff than she is (& she is more able than others). But these differences aren't very important, our worth isn't the sum of what we can or can't do. This an important message.

A quiet reply to that kind of comment in future could be "My brother isn't here."

[Bluetrews25]

I got 'oh, are you going to be as clever as your sister?' from history teacher. Sister was v brainy. I was less endowed. Mum (a teacher herself) hit the roof, rightly. Never liked that teacher after that, ignorant woman. And I still remember the comment 40+ years later. (But do love my sister hugely!)
YANBU to be annoyed.

[CertainHalfDesertedStreets]

Teachers should NEVER compare siblings. T.A.s are no different. You should definitely say something so that she learns for future reference.

this. It's school 101, not a particularly tricky situation involving the internecine politics around the school hamster.

[LemonysSnicket]

As the younger sister of a spectacularly intelligent older sister that would have shaken my confidence. Is there anything she is gifted at that you can stress to her ?

[Ttbb]

I would be and I couldn't resist pointing out the obvious to the TA.

[AnnDerry]

Complain.
My sister still smarts at memories of this happening to her in primary school - I was 2 years older and were always compared.
I'm already seeing it with my DC. DC1 is at Cambridge. DC2 is utterly different - has a completely different set of talents and qualities. There have already been a few unnecessary and unflattering comparisons made to DC2. (As it happens DC2 is utterly scathing when this happens and is likely to respond with a sarky quip but that in itself is problematic as she shouldn't feel the need to defend herself like this and comes across as bolshy even if it is giving her good material for stand up routines!)

[MaidenMotherCrone]

I would say something because even if she never says anything like that again to your DD she may continue in that way with other children.

A teacher ( not a TA) at high school once thought it was acceptable to question why my DS was reading a book on Theoretical Physics ( he'd finished his work & extension work and she'd told him to read until the end of the lesson). He said ' I want to be a Theoretical Physicist Miss'. She burst out laughing and said 'you're X & Y's brother aren't you?'
He said ' Yes miss'
She replied laughing' Good luck with that one'
The cheeky mare then questioned his friends , asking was he lying.
He aced his GCSEs & A Levels

He's at a Russell Group Uni studying Theoretical Physics!

Did I say something? Too right I did, she was covering for his actual teacher who was horrified.

[fartyghost]

I'd be furious but I wouldn't say anything to the school unless it happened frequently or if your daughter was really bothered by it. It sounds like you have raised her well and that she's got good self esteem if she is genuinely shrugging it off.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

I wouldn't say anything to the school but I would empathise with my dd that it wasn't a particularly well thought out thing to say. I'm sure if my every word was scrutinised some of it would sound thoughtless.
If it was a pattern of demotivating talk I'd take it up with the teacher.
Poor dd though. My older sibling was a maths whizz and although I was in the top set I wasn't top of the top set and I was always assumed to be underachieving when trying my best.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

It was a very insensitive and inappropriate comment and you wouldn't be unreasonable to say something about it.

By all means tell this TA she's being unprofessional, etc., but I do find the suggested remarks about TAs from some posters unpleasant - no, most of us aren't qualified teachers, but the vast majority of us would never say something like that, and there's no need to disparage our job to make a point.

[DeepAutumn]

yeh that's a bit shit.

I'll never forget one day when the teacher from the honours maths class which was half empty came in to the bursting at the edges pass maths class to discuss with the pass maths teacher who if anybody he could take in to his higher level class. Honours teacher spots my sur name and says ''Deep Autumn, sister of Other Autumn!!'' and in front of me the pass maths teacher laughed and said, they're nothing alike, and nearly giggled, as though the thought of me being good at maths was highly amusing!

I thought cheers asshole.

[FUNM]

OFSTED TB :)

[PovertyPain]

I would imagine the male TA will have had a word with her, after that comment, but I would have a word. Awful thing to do.

[DropZoneOne]

I'd have a word just to say you didn't find it appropriate or helpful. A child who's lost their confidence in any subject needs support and encouragement, not comparing with others.

[Sirzy]

I would certainly mention it to the teacher.

My dad only complained to School twice in my school career, one of them was after a parents evening for my sister where the teacher said “sirzysister isn’t as clever as sirzy is she” - no wonder my sister had spent the year thinking the teacher didn’t like her

[C8H10N4O2]

I feel like she’s ‘decided’ that she’s no good at maths, and comments like that really don’t help

I think you should query it, but be clear its not about wanting apologies its about ensuring they don't do the same again and to other pupils. TA may not realise the impact of their words and just need some advice.

Its particularly important in subjects like Maths where girls are encouraged to think of it is not a particularly girly subject. Its still acceptable to bad at Maths as if there is something intrinsic in Maths that requires a 'Maths brain'. We don't accept this as an excuse in literacy for boys.

[herethereandeverywhere]

There was a similar disparity between my learning and my brothers (he was the one that found it more difficult).

After a couple of casual comments about 'differences between us' at parents evenings my parents got very cross and laid down the law: school was to never compare us. We were individuals, different people, nothing good could come of the comparison. And they repeated it every year and right through secondary school.

I agree you should be having words - your DD does not need reinforcement of that message, it's at best unhelpful and at worst damaging.

[PoorYorick]

Obviously it's a stupid thing to say, and I expect the teacher kicked themselves afterwards. I cringe to think of some things I've said without thinking. Surely we've all done that?

Say something if you like, but unless this is a regular occurrence or part of a larger context, I'd try to forgive it. It sounds like human error and we've all done it.

[BackforGood]

Agee it was a spectacularly unhelpful thing to say, and - as it seems she doesn't already know that - then her line manager needs to let her know that. Therefore,yes, you should have a word with the line manager. No need to fury or anger or any of the other MN words that are often used in these circumstances but it is better for all future pupils if she is made aware of how unhelpful it is.

[MrsJayy]

If the op says something now then it is nipped in the bud. The TA maybe thought she was helping or tryi g to gee her on but comparison helps nobody she wouldn't say well random in the year above did better comparing siblings is no better.

[TheStoic]

Thanks everyone.

I feel like she’s ‘decided’ that she’s no good at maths, and comments like that really don’t help.

[Bambamber]

I think if it's a one off remark, I wouldn't say anything. If it becomes a regular occurrence I would say something, as from experience, although your daughter was unfazed, it can be hurtful in the long run.

[Giraffesarequitetall]

I’d have a quick word, comparison isn’t helpful.

We had similar when DS2 was doing his yr6 SATS, a TA said to him that he needed to do better than his brother who got a level 5, so DS2 needed to get the level 6.

In this case DS2 was clearly more able than DS1 and we knew already that he would likely get better results but hadn’t discussed DS1s results with him as we thought it wasn’t fair to do the comparison. So he hadn’t known what his brother got and we certainly didn’t want him gloating as we could sense DS1 was beginning to realise he was the less academic sibling. DS1 was still bright and we didn’t want him to feel overshadowed.

We didn’t make a big deal but just said to the teacher that we didn’t want them compared and she understood and I think went on to have words with the TA. I think it is important that they realise that isn’t appropriate or helpful.