AIBU about this work colleague?

[SickOfTheComments]

NC'd. I work with a particularly insensitive man who routinely makes offensive comments without engaging brain, then has to backtrack to an uncomfortable degree. He once told me I'd let myself go, then seemed mortified and backtracked to a degree that left me feeling humiliated (if I wasn't humiliated enough already).

He's recently taken a course on workplace equality, which basically covered how to behave professionally and treat everyone equally. I've done the course myself and it covers gender, sexuality, disabilities, age, maternity, etc.

Instead of helping the situation, he seems to have completely missed the point of the course and his behaviour has got worse. He makes a song and dance of anything that could be construed as a sexist remark. For example if he said "postman" he would suddenly look at me (just at me) and say "or postwoman...could be a woman...in this day and age we've got to be inclusive!", then he'll pull a stupid face and turn away again.

It just seems like he's turned the whole thing into a joke. He can never take anything seriously or exercise any professionalism or even common sense in relation to these sorts of things- he's got to make it into something to be mocked. Couldn't he have just taken the course and learned something from it rather than making it part of this whole slapstick routine we seem to have to endure on a daily basis?

He obviously sees it as a tickbox exercise - if he thinks he can prove he's being "inclusive" by constantly being OTT about it, then in his mind he's going above and beyond what is expected of him. The reality is it's having the opposite effect and the sexist traits are completely on display.

What do I do about this? Is there anything I CAN or even should do about this? I've made complaints to my boss before who apparently "has a word", but it just seems to escalate his behaviour. I hate going to work because of it.

[Bowerbird5]

What about saying" I'll get you a spade!"

[SickOfTheComments]

Does it matter to me? Well, it makes me feel uncomfortable when I'm trying to work, so yes it does matter.

I wouldn't say he wounded my vanity as such. I felt humiliated because it was obvious at the time he was actually trying to offend and upset me, which is quite humiliating. However I realised it reflected more on him than me. It didn't change how I saw myself (I know I'm pretty so not particularly bothered that he had something to say about my looks tbh).

[SickOfTheComments]

And you can explain every scenario away by saying someone has "social difficulties". It's offensive to people who have genuine, diagnosed social disorders who manage not to ostracise people because of their gender, sexuality, race, or religion.

"Social difficulties" is not the excuse for this.

[AngelaTwerkel]

"Does it actually matter to you?"

Yeah, why does someone you work under being sexist annoy you so much, OP?

Agree with pointedly blanking him, then he just looks like an arse, chuntering away to himself.

[MarklahMarklah]

I've a friend who has "social difficulties" who has never, in 8 years of friendship said anything like this.
Sadly, people like your college are just bellends.
Ignoring would seem to be the best reaction, but I can imagine that you want to throttle him with his copy of the DM.
I encountered the same sort of mindset yesterday, from a woman, probably only a few years my senior. I was in a local charity shop, browsing. One of the women who works there said to me, as she passed me on her way to the counter, "You've just had a compliment on your hair" (my hair is quite distinctive). She indicated her male colleague, standing in the stock room she'd just come from.
I thanked him and carried on browsing. Then the woman said, "Well, you won't be able to do that soon."
I thought she meant that there was some new 'thing' in the paper about the dangers of hair dye, so asked what it was that couldn't be done.
"Say things like that. You have to be careful what you say to women and not make offensive comments."
She got all sniffy with me when I pointed out that it wasn't an offensive comment and banged about behind the till muttering.

[SickOfTheComments]

I think I would be happy to just keep ignoring him. The fact he makes a song and dance out of it seems to suggest he is doing it to get a reaction. I would just like to get to the stage where we can just get on with our work. Instead I am being distracted from the work I am trying to do, in order to be told a comment I barely heard was not offensive to my sex so don't be offended or get me into trouble over it etc etc ad infinitum.

[Sparky888]

I had a boss a little like this, although he was actually a nice guy (so maybe different in that sense). He genuinely didn't realise he was causing offence, he thought it was part of his good humour and light hearted attitude (!). But he would make inappropriate sexual and sexist jokes. I used to give him the look, he'd usually ask me why, and I'd explain really briefly why he shouldn't say that eg 'by pointing out the woman every time, women feel uncomfortable' or 'you're making a big deal of there being a woman present'. Or, 'that's not an appropriate (joke) at work anymore'. He eventually self-censored, but for a while there was a phase of 'oh I'd better not say that or x will tell me off'. I used to take it, or sometimes I'd say 'better I point it out than someone does to HR! :)'

It did get better over time.

[BabsGangoush]

I think now he has had the training he is in a difficult position to

a) carry on with his behaviour,

and

b) be able to squirm out of it by saying it was a joke, or that he was unaware.

The training session actually puts you in a better position.

[weaselwords]

Could you say “You really don’t need to explain yourself to me/us. I/we understood your point” ?

[weaselwords]

Often don’t need my s cons sentence.

[weaselwords]

second

[Porpoises]

Ugh, it's so infantile. It's like he's saying "poor me, it's so difficult having to do this equality stuff, people are so easily offended, look what a massive effort i am making"

[Foslady]

Call him out on it - ‘Phil, why do you feel the need to do this? It’s not humourous to anyone other than you, and if you’re not trying a poor attempt at humour then the amount of times you’ve been met with the response you have you should have learnt that some things need not be said.’ If (when) he starts back just repeat ‘not up for discussion any more’

[SickOfTheComments]

Porpoises exactly!

[Shakey15000]

I’d go with the notebook.

“Hang on a sec Phil.. what was the phrase you used then? Wouldn’t.Want.To.Upset.The.Ladies... yup, got it thanks”

Ok, I know it’s unlikely you’ll do it due to seniority etc and I would feel the same. I hope you find something that resolves it.

[SickOfTheComments]

He has made some overtly sexist remarks in the past so I think the training session has potentially made him hyper-aware of what he's doing. To go the entirely opposite direction and labour every single point, aiming all his profuse apologies entirely in my direction, with a smirk on his face the whole time...makes my skin crawl.

Having read your comments I think I'm going to continue to ignore him as it's happening, but I'll be making a private record if anything should be said, and telling my boss. If it escalates I'll be asking for a meeting about it. I would personally like to be moved to another office entirely but I don't know if that is just giving in.

[Sunshineandshopping]

Listen, yawn ostentatiously, check your watch, tap your foot, ‘oh sorry Phil, just waiting for you to catch up with the modern world. You don’t seem to be a very fast learner, still making all these mistakes even after your training. Do you think you should retake the course? I know the brain can deteriorate with age.’

[Shakey15000]

I love how we’ve seamlessly decided he’s called Phil