To not want to have lunch with FIL

[putdownyourphone]

FIL in town today, wanted us to meet him for lunch with DC. We invited him to our house instead, but no, specifically wants us to meet him out for lunch.

Now, despite having toddler twins which makes eating out hell, I really hate eating in front of FIL. He constantly nitpicks at what people are eating/how much they're eating, to the point where it makes me feel really self conscious. I'm veggie, so on top of the usual crap he gives everyone else, he just can't get his head around it and asks (every fricking time) 'why are you a veggie then?' 'What can you even eat?' 'Do you find it hard being a veggie?' 'How can you eat eggs if you're a vegetarian?' - this is always in front of the entire family, so usually around 8 other people. The focus becomes what's on my plate while I'm trying to enjoy my food.

He has given my DP a complex about food which became very apparent as soon as I started seeing him, always analyzing what was on his plate and talking about whether it was healthy or not, and he is so so rude to his DP (who is tall and slim) as she likes food. He's always commenting on how much she eats or has eaten that day. I wouldn't be able to stand it if I was her - just let the woman eat!!

Anyway, I got in bit of a huff about it with DP as I really didn't want to go and have lunch in front of him, the last time we saw him he came round to our flat while I was making my kids a lovely (veggie) shepards pie, and he didn't shut up about it, to the point where he said I was a mean parent for giving my kids vegetarian food! Because clearly they're wasting away to nothing Anyway, now I'm sat on my own at home while DP has taken DC to see him. AIBU to not eat out with him (even though I'm now sat at home alone with no food in)?

[MorrisZapp]

It was me who said the cake was carb heavy and I was joking! I was highlighting the MN carb aversion.

[MorrisZapp]

Well the damage is done as far as your DPs childhood goes but I very much doubt that an annoying grandad is going to have any effect on your kids eating habits or self esteem.

My grandparents came out with all sorts of regressive shite on the odd occasions when we all ate together, we just laughed about it.

If he's an otherwise lovely grandad this is an absolute non issue.

As for the poster worried that you've sent your toddlers to spend lunchtime with their grandad with no protection, lol. Seriously.

[albertatrilogy]

It's particularly awkward when it's an inlaw doing this sort of thing because - for most (though clearly not all) of us - there's a wish to remain on cordial terms with a partner's family and with children's grandparents.

On the other hand this also seems to be an issue that arises with friends. There's a thread elsewhere concerning a small slice of cake where there are a number of comments - admittedly not many - about the small slice being 'carb heavy', and talking about how we don't need cake and people only think it's a small portion because they're so greedy.

I think it's very hard to shield children entirely from a lot of disordered stuff about eating. On the other hand if both parents have a good attitude to cooking and enjoying food and are bringing up their children with these values, that really is the main thing.

[HotelEuphoria]

YANBU, my FIL said to me when we took them out for lunch and we paid for it all "you can't half put it away can't you?" - this was after I had sweet and sour chicken and boiled rice and he had eaten a starter, main course with rice and noodles, prawn crackers and a bloody banana fritter with ice cream!

It pissed the hell out of me and he isn't even know for commenting on food.

[SilverSpot]

I'd try to limit situations where you eat together, but if you have to eat with him and he starts, say very firmly 'don;t comment on my food it is very rude and put's me off my meal.'
or if he does it to the children when they are older 'What they are eating is fine, please just concentrate on your own meal and leave them alone'
I'd be blunt and firm. And don't worry about being rude - he's being persistanty rude to you.

Good response. Just be brisk and firm.

If he continues despite you shutting him down then you could raise it with him "FiL, I love seeing you with the children, but I think we need to change the way we meet up. I don't know if you are aware, but you have an extremely intense relationship with food and I can no longer have my children exposed to this. Happy to meet you at our house for a cup of tea, or out at the park, but we can't see you for meal times unless you can keep comments about food to yourself."

[FizzyGreenWater]

Baby steps.

This time, you've refused to go.

Next time, you send DP on his own, with huge apologies but making the point that you don't think it's a good family dynamic to meet over food, because of FIL's food issues. That's right - HIS food issues. You are all happy and healthy on the diets you have and enjoy - HE makes food an issue and you are not willing to have the children pick up bad habits around the way they think of food, or think it's ok to criticise what's on someone's plate any more than it is ok to laugh at their coat or pull a face at their choice of shoes.

You say this - or rather your DP does- in response to him asking what's wrong. And you make sure you see him and enthuse about how nice it is for the DC to spend time with him, but you refuse to meet to eat.

It might be a long training process that ends up not working but worth a shot.

[KurriKurri]

I think you are completely reasonable not to want to have lunch with him - I wouldn't either. I can't stand people commenting on what I eat - puts me right of

I think it is unlikely he will ever change his opinions or his habits (obviously his wife tolerates it or she'd have managed to get him to change by now if he critcises her too).
I'd try to limit situations where you eat together, but if you have to eat with him and he starts, say very firmly 'don;t comment on my food it is very rude and put's me off my meal.'
or if he does it to the children when they are older 'What they are eating is fine, please just concentrate on your own meal and leave them alone'
I'd be blunt and firm. And don't worry about being rude - he's being persistanty rude to you.

If it really gets to the point where it wont stop then maybe a private word with him where you really spell it out. 'This has tostop FIL, it is very rude and upsetting, it means I don't want to eat with you. Unless you stop now (no second chances) then we will not be having any meals together because I don't want the children being scrutinized while they eat'

[Hillarious]

YANBU to be annoyed by his comments, but YABU to let them divide your family. A friend of DH's didn't have anything to do with his father for five years because his father and his wife clashed and his wife would not compromise at all. Better to be on the inside chipping away at your FIL's attitude. By distancing yourself, your FIL will not change his behaviour and instead think that it's you who has the problem.

[Mcakes]

I also can't believe some of the responses you have had to this! YANBU to be annoyed and want to avoid eating with him as much as possible.
Sounds to me as though you have a very healthy relationship with food and, as a SAHM, that is what will influence your DC as they grow up not occasional exposure to FIL's odd comments. Sounds like your DP is on board too despite his own difficulties with food.
It only answers one part if your post but a great response to the 'Why are you veggie' question is "It's for ethical/health reasons and is tedious to discuss"
I got this from another MNET discussion a while back and really like it. It answers the question honestly whilst firmly shutting down any further questioning.

[Scholes34]

Well, collectively don't put up with it. Not in a major showdown kind of way, but just chip away, small comments to him, let his comments wash over you, be confident in your own food choices and those of your DP, roll your eyes behind his back, meet his comments with subtle disbelief and change the subject. This is how I deal with my FIL.

[putdownyourphone]

Well different things 'get to' different people. If it's bad enough to have made my DP (and his brother) have eating issues then it's clearly bad and I'm not being overly sensitive. I tend to bear the brunt of it as I'm a vegetarian which he can't comprehend, but he does it to all of the family and yes, they are all annoyed by it.

[Scholes34]

I can't believe you let this get to you. I'm sure the rest of the family are bored by his comments and aren't judging you in any way.

[albertatrilogy]

I didn't necessarily meant to imply that your father in law might have dementia. Only that we all have obsessions and things we harp on about. And it's very likely that as our children grow up and get married and have families of their own, that they might find us trying. I do hope that when that happens my children will try to use affection and tolerance towards me, if they feel that I'm going too far. Rather than lecturing me and/or telling me off and/or excluding me.

I do, of course see, that this habit of the OP's father in law is very irksome and it would be great if he could be brought to realise that it's making mealtimes trying for others.

[putdownyourphone]

I only mentioned age because a PP spoke about being rude to older people when they aren't intending to be rude, and dementia. It has sweet FA to do with age.

Anyhow, I will speak to him if and when it happens in front of DC when they are old enough to understand, and my DP has already spoken to him and told him not to talk negatively about food around us again (which was a big step as this has been effecting him his whole life). We shall see if it happens though!

[MissFenella]

Just repeat
'I am struggling to see how what is on my plate affects you',
'for the same reason the last twelvety billion times you have asked',
'Oh here we go its the why are you a veggie interrogation, it hasnt changed in X years and isnt going to today so let's just enjoy our own food'
'Thanks for checking but I am really happy with what is on my plate - how is your food?'

[LaContessaDiPlump]

In case it wasn't clear - YANBU OP!

[LaContessaDiPlump]

He's 53 - quite young enough to be spoken to frankly!

I have a friend who's 46; I must remember that she will be officially Old and incapable of listening to reasoned debate in 7 years' time.

[Maelstrop]

Not being goady, but how will you manage this when th dc are older and understand? If someone told my child they shouldn't eat something, I'd be really cross.

I do think he should be corrected, I don't see what age has to do with it just because someone mentioned it earlier. It would drive me crazy. Does he have no other conversation?

[Butterymuffin]

think it's quite rude to constantly 'correct' older people when they're not being obviously rude

The FIL is being obviously rude, though. So OP can go right ahead and tell him to stop going on about food, as it's irritating and they get to make their own food choices.

I wouldn't go and eat with him but I'd also be clear about why. Say you don't enjoy meals with him as he insists on making personal comments about everyone's food so you will meet him at other times in future. Also correct him when he says something just wrong about food in your presence. He doesn't worry about what he says offending you, so give as good as you get.

[Abouttoblow]

Jesus! Some MNetters blow my mind at times. I think they have a compulsion to disagree no matter what.
You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I doubt your children will return with an eating disorder or have nightmares about vegetarian food after a lunch with their grandfather.
I'm sure you are more than capable of deciding when his behaviour would have an effect on them. Maybe when they can understand and process his views on food.
Hope you enjoyed the peace and quiet... and your lunch

[putdownyourphone]

He's not old - he's 53, younger than my own parents.

Food bore is exactly the right term! And no, not in the north west. But sympathy to anyone else related to a food bore!

[StealthNinjaMum]

Yanbu I hate food bores. Dm and dbro are obsessed with losing weight to the extent of commenting on everything they eat / don't eat and every time they see me I get told how much they have put on / lost since I last saw them. Dm has said to my dds 'eat more watermelon it has no calories in it' and 'go on be naughty, here's some cake.''

In my house we eat a variety of food and I just don't think kids need to be exposed to these sort of comments. We're fairly low contact so fortunately we don't get this more than 3 or 4 times a year.

Op yanbu, I really feel for you. I hope you had a peaceful time on your own.

[ButchyRestingFace]

You’re not in the North West, by any chance, OP?

I read your OP wondering if I have a secret brother somewhere...

If so, your loss is definitely my gain.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

So your dp has taken 16mo twins who have already eaten out to lunch with fil?

Bwahahaha

That'll be the last time he volunteers for that!

Enjoy your peace and quiet. Yanbu.

[albertatrilogy]

Before very long we will be the inlaws and the younger generation will be busy telling us how rude we are - if Mumsnet still exists.