To think our kids today are very soft !

[mountford100]

DD2 (14) has just come home from school crying and calling her English teacher 'MEAN' . This is because her English teacher has just compared a homework essay to what DD1 (17) Yr 12 was producing at (14 ) and is in her opinion not anywhere near the same level !

I can get where the teacher is coming from, DD 2 spent just 20 minutes on it, this obviously was evident when it was marked.
The teacher was trying to highlight with her the needs to spend more time on homework The comparison was with her more conscientious at the time of year 9 elder sister.

The reason i post this i remember being called the 'runt' of the litter by my English teacher. , She also informed the class that i could not possibly be related to X, because X was on her way to Oxford and i would be lucky to achieve a D at GCSE.

That same teacher managed to help me get a B at GCSE and quite miraculously a C at A level despite being Dyslexic/Dyspraxic (undiagnosed).

The point being why do teenagers get so offended when teachers use certain approaches or say things designed to motivate them.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I think it's potentially very damaging to family dynamics to pit siblings against one another. I'm very surprised you think that's an acceptable approach tbh.

[Voice0fReason]

The point being why do teenagers get so offended when teachers use certain approaches or say things designed to motivate them.
Because certain approaches might be offensive, lazy and demotivating.

[bridgetreilly]

It doesn't really matter whether her older sister was more conscientious, more able, or more anything. The point is that the younger sister should have spent more time on her own homework. Which is a point that any teacher should be able to effectively communicate without making obnoxious comparisons, whether or not they happen to be true. How do you think that being negatively compared to an older sister is going to affect their relationship, for instance?

[NoSquirrels]

I'd be raging if a teacher compared my DC out loud to each other. What one SC can do/did has no bearing on the other. Extremely unprofessional.

[limitedperiodonly]

At least DD1 was on the case. I'm sure the teacher will apologise to DD2 for spectacularly crap motivational skills and you will think about that too

[WhatwouldAryado]

Comparing anyone to their sibling is just being socially unaware. You wouldn't say " well this is crap compared to AN OTHER child I randomly taught " so what is the relevance. Siblings are different. That teacher needs to think about learning how to motivate students rather than insulting them.

[limitedperiodonly]

Can I be the first to say I feel sorry for your children?

[mountford100]

Just looked at my Emails and the teacher as Emailed me saying .Sorry if she upset DD that was not the intention and she did not mean to upset, more to encourage her to understand more time was required on the essay . DD 2 told DD 1 she was upset and DD 1 sought out the teacher concerned after her own English lesson with her had finished and informed her DD 2 was a upset !

DD 1 has just come in from hockey practice and confirmed that she had spoken to the teacher.

The thing is this school requires 4 level 7 to access the sixth form and 98% of pupils stay on at the sixth form. This means the school expects pupils at the start of year 9 to be producing work at least of level 4 standard and by the end of year 9 a high level 5 grade standard on the new criteria is expected. Therefore a 20 minute rushed essay at 10 pm can not be of level 4 GCSE standard work.

[JustHope]

YABU

While your DD deserved to be called out for not putting enough effort into her work, making comparisons with her older sister is unfair and poor teaching. While this might have motivated you OP it might not have the same effect on your DD. She could just decide why bother if I am always going to be compared to my sister. She is her own person and deserves to be treated as such.

I know the worst thing I can ever do is to compare DD2 to her older sister.

[Rightsaidmabel]

All through my childhood I heard from parents and teachers:why can't you be more like your sister ? Quiet,hard working,biddable, intelligent and high achieving academically.While I was the lucky 2nd child,sociable outgoing and cheerful.
Luckily we appreciate our strengthts where others did not, and are friends to this day.
Comparisons of siblings who do not live through the same experience of parenting in the family (there's a time difference,and competence difference in the parenting!) are odious.And irrelevant.
Measure the child with where you want and realistically expect them to be, not with an arbitrary relative!And praise them for what they achieve, and sort issues with under performance in a practical way,not emotional shaming.

[Chipsahoy]

Awful. My teacher did that to me when I was 9. She compared my work to my older brother's when he was in her class. She even remarked "you aren't your brother are you".
It has always stayed with me as a "not as good as your brother".

I'd be complaining to the school. Awful behaviour on the teachers part.

[Spudlet]

I had a friend with a mother like you - always comparing her to her older sister, and using it as a way to run her down. I still remember how upset my friend was at her (excellent) GCSE results - the only thing her mum said was that her sister's had been better. It still makes me sad to remember it now.

Your DDs teacher clearly lacks tact, imagination and common sense if that's the only way they can think to criticise her. And you are possibly setting yourself up for an almighty family rift if you're not careful.

[Itsanicehotel]

Nope don’t agree with comparing siblings or indeed any child to any other child. By all means say you think they could have put more effort into a piece of work and give examples as to how they might go about doing that but never compare.

[toffee1000]

The world's a harsh place and far worse will be said to her so tough shit?? What the actual fuck?? You build up her confidence by telling her that yes, she should have worked harder, but don't do it and compare her to her sister as well.

[ShoesHaveSouls]

Children telling their parents that they favour the/an/ other child is fairly normal - I did it to my parents, my dc occasionally do it to me if I'm not letting them have something they want.

However, that is a completely separate issue to a parent or a teacher comparing their children - I just can't tell you the awful effect it has on both children.

I was occasionally compared (unfavourably) to my same-age cousin. She was the golden child - perfect, always did her school work first before doing anything else, always well behaved blah blah blaaaggghhh.

Well, I did better in my A levels than her so HA! I've done generally better than her in life too.

^ See! It's not good. I should not feel that way. Not healthy.

Don't set up your children to compete. Don't let her teachers.

[deepestdarkestperu]

You shouldn’t be comparing your daughters OP. If DD2 didn’t do well in her essay because she did it all at the last minute, then she should absolutely be pulled up on that, but there was no point in mentioning her older sister’s essays - it’s mean.

I hope you don’t compare them in the same way.

[Gilead]

Ex dh compared one twin to another, unfavourably. School did the same. She's ended up feeling a complete failure. I'm hoping she doesn't overdose again, but I'll remember to tell her that she needs to learn to take criticism well and that actually just because her father doesn't understand her more scientific brain it's her fault for being a bit wet. Alternatively, I'll tell her how brilliant she is, improve her confidence now her df has gone and allow her to blossom in her own way.
Honestly, you are the parent of a child who has been compared unfavourably to a sibling. Yes your child should have worked harder. No she should not be compared no matter how much good it supposedly did you. Not sure that it did though, as interestingly all your children complain that you have favourites, albeit differing claims. None of mine do that.

[Originalfoogirl]

Teenagers should be able to take criticism. Teachers should be allowed to criticise.

But the one thing my mum absolutely went ballistic about, it was when our teachers compared me and my siblings to each other. She said it had happened to her and she really hated it. I tended to compare more favourably but it hurt me too, whenever a teacher used to make really mean comments about my older sister, who was not particularly academic. I actually got called into the head's office for having a go at one teacher who was particularly nasty about her. She spent her life hearing how great I was, it used to hurt my heart. Thankfully we remain best friends to this day and it never damaged our relationship. She has so many strengths and is so much better at so many things than I am.

It's actually a really lazy way to teach, to use older siblings as an example.

[mountford100]

However they both gang up together to say how spoilt DS is and that i only ever wanted a boy !

[KatherinaMinola]

Very bad practice from both your teacher and her teacher.

[mountford100]

Funnily enough DD 1 says i prefer DD 2 to her... DD 1 counted 14 presents for no 2 on Christmas day and only 11 for her !

[frieda909]

I was a very academic, straight A student while my younger sister struggled slightly more (but still got Bs and Cs) and we both suffered massively as a result of people constantly comparing us. We are close in age and look quite similar which probably doesn’t help.

I was the ‘smart’ one but this meant that my parents overcompensated by trying to encourage my sister to be the ‘creative’ one, the ‘sporty’ one and the ‘pretty’ one. I can vividly remember us both asking if we could go to dance lessons and my dad saying that she could, but laughing in my face at the idea of me ever being able to dance

The lowest point for me was when I got upset at my parents always talking about how pretty my sister was and told them that they were making me feel ugly. My mum blurted out ‘well we have to teach your sister to rely on her looks because she’s thick as pigshit’. At which point I exploded at them and told them to STOP saying that, my sister was doing just fine at school and I was sick of being used as a benchmark to make my sister look stupid just because I did a bit better in a few exams. And that just because I was ‘clever’ didn’t mean that I always had to be the boring, ugly nerdy one who never got any praise for anything else.

I know my parents were just trying to do right by both of us but it caused us both all sorts of issues, both as kids and later in life.

(The funny thing is that she now works in science and I work in the arts... no one would have called that when we were kids!)

But yeah. That shit is seriously damaging. Please don’t do it if you can possibly help it.

[mountford100]

Ago (the first thing she drilled in to me was to check my writing and thus make sure i would not miss putting the required words needed for correct sentences ).

[Ecureuil]

It sounds like you prefer DD1 to DD2!

[mountford100]

The world is not a nice place and far worse will be said and done to DD as she gets older . Something was said that was correct albeit highlighted in a clumsy way (this with regards to a comparison with DD 1) .
This should not make DD 2 cry and perhaps indicates at 14 she is a bit soft !

With regards to the comparison my teacher made of me and my sisters. The result was i worked far harder for her and achieved a C at A level opposed to a D in the two other subjects !

I think getting a Dyslexic Dyspraxic and Autistic girl a C grade at A level 26 years reflects rather well on her teaching regime.