To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

[mumofone234]

Obviously I don't agree with that, otherwise everything I've said would be meaningless. They may have no legal rights but that doesn't mean I don't see them as having rights.

[NameChangr678]

But do you accept that the people in one of those groups are wrong? Foetus' don't have rights, do they?

Clearly they do at some point, otherwise the abortion limit would be 40 weeks.

And in some countries the foetus has rights from conception.

So no, you're not automatically right.

[ThymeLord]

does that not extend to the unborn baby who has no say in it?

In a word, no. The unborn have no rights and therefore the person who's body they are living in can do what they want. You don't have to like it, but it's far better than the alternative.

[mumofone234]

I think there's a fundamental split here between people who see unborn babies as having rights and those who don't. Which means we're all never going to agree...

[NameChangr678]

On this thread you seem defensive (especially when replying to my post) and a bit angry/aggressive. I'd probably need a drink too if I was your partner!

Ah only got to page 3 before the personal bitchy insults kicked in.

YANBU, OP - she's potentially damaging the baby.

[converseandjeans]

YANBU.
Those talking about someone's 'rights' to do as they wish with their own body - does that not extend to the unborn baby who has no say in it?
There is strong evidence of FAS - and you can never really know what quantities are enough to cause damage, so why take the risk?
I'm fairly laid back about lots of stuff but I didn't drink while pregnant and I would judge someone who did. I think it's worse than smoking in terms of damage to the unborn baby.
The issue is though how you make your partner see sense and stop drinking as much. Sorry not to have more advice on tackling the issue.

[KrytensNanobots]

There was a woman a few weeks back who was pregnant 8 weeks if I remember correctly and she was going to a wedding and didn't want anyone to know so asked if a glass of wine or champagne would be ok just one for the full day and everyone on the thread ripped her apart and no on here because they though you were male that they would go opposite just to call you controlling.

Interesting you should say that as I thought exactly the same! I've seen threads on here about drinking in pregnancy, and if someone had posted why shouldn't they be able to drink every other day when pregnant past responses would be a resounding no.
People presuming OP is male due to "my wife" and it's "back off," "controlling", she can do what she likes".
Been on here ages and the level of double standards/hatred towards males never ceases to amaze.

[mumofone234]

I'd say that the people who advocate drinking in pregnancy because they want to keep 'living my life' as if nothing has changed seem pro-alcohol. But actually I meant it as shorthand for 'pro-drinking in pregnancy if desired due to the notion of body autonomy'.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You can prove anything with facts after all...

If the OP's wife was on here asking, "should I drink every two days in pregnancy or not?" I would have said "not". But the question was whether the OP should be repeatedly pressuring her wife. And that is also a "no".

Initially the 'facts and figures' were being quoted to reassure the OP that the risk of damage to the fetus might not be as definite as she felt.

I don't think anyone on here is pro-alcohol in pregnancy. But I am certainly pro-women, pro-bodily autonomy and pro-science. I am anti-knee jerk judgements of women based on badly researched feelings that any alcohol consumption is evil. That's not what the evidence shows.

[PollytheDoily]

It's the "her body" and that's that. Set in stone stuff that's beyond me on here. I bloody KNOW that but what she's doing is wrong. Throw in facts and figures to justify it all you like but the "anti alcohol" brigade on this thread won't be swayed either.

[newbian]

BakedBeans you seem to be the one who has missed the point? The question is "AIBU to be mad at my partner for drinking?"

Not "AIBU to call the police to report my partner for drinking"
Not "AIBU to call SS to have our child taken from my partner after birth"

I get mad at my partner for drinking too much when I'm pregnant and he's a man!

[coldair]

Mrsterrypratchet-that was very profound.

[LiquoricePickle]

I'm late to the party, but YANBU. Is it so much to ask to stay away from alcohol for nine months? I didn't drink in pregnancy because why would you? I think that there's pretty much nothing you can do, but I think you're right.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

'Pro-alcohol' is like 'pro-life'. Almost the opposite of what it actually is. But it sounds like something.

[BakedBeans47]

By the “pro alcohol brigade” you mean the posters who see the pregnant woman’s bodily autonomy as paramount? That’s not being “pro alcohol”.

[mumofone234]

I think it's the pro-alcohol brigade that seems to be the most hysterical here? I've seen people insulting each other, implying they're uneducated and drawing on the threat of domestic violence and all manner of other awful situations, when actually we're all commenting on this one situation where that doesn't apply. Everyone else is just pointing out that they don't think it's right.

[BakedBeans47]

In fact I said on my first post on the thread that she seemed to be drinking above the previously advised “safe” limits that were around when I was pregnant (and as far as I am aware weren’t changed on any scientific basis although I am happy to be corrected on that) and that the OP should speak to her.

But ultimately it has to be a pregnant woman’s own choice what she does. The alternative is too awful to contemplate. Equally I agree that FAS is bloody awful too but education and proper information to pregnant women is the answer not a lot of hysterical nonsense.

[BakedBeans47]

I didn’t say she has no right to say anything. And indeed she has done.

Someone upthread mentioned making drinking in pregnancy “illegal”, so surely as part of that she must also think there should be some sort of punitive consequence.

Jeez. I get people have strong feelings but some of the reactions on this are ridiculous. It’s hardly like she’s shooting up £100 of heroin a day is it.

[0hCrepe]

Baked beans what are you talking about? A woman is prioritising drinking over the health of her developing baby. Its other mother fears for her developing baby and you think she has no right to say anything??
If my dh had decided to ruin his own body with alcohol he wouldn't be fit to care for his kids and I'd certainly have every right to say something; why is it different when a woman is risking the safety of her growing baby?
And no one is talking about locking pregnant women up apart from you!

[gluteustothemaximus]

I don't think any of us are missing the point here. None of us are saying lock the woman up

We cannot, and would not control a woman and what she does with her own body.

But we have guidelines, to assist people in making decisions.

These guidelines are being ignored by the OP's partner.

I, for one, feel that is wrong. There's nothing I can do about it. And neither can the OP.

I just know if roles were reversed, I'd be very upset.

I didn't drink during any pregnancy, I'm not a saint, I just figured I didn't want my baby to have alcohol. It is a toxin after all.

And I love my

[artisancraftbeer]

Raw fish which has been frozen is absolutely fine. Same as eggs which have been lion stamped. Lettuce is the real problem!

[artisancraftbeer]

Agreed baked beans.

If it is a deal breaker for the op that her partner is drinking at this level in pregnancy, the options are
a) put up with it - its her body. The op does not get to control her partner's pregnancy and it's not like the op can take it over halfway and finish it perfectly; or
b) say it is a deal breaker and be prepared to walk away and Ltb if she carries on.
c) ask her to have an abortion with the op doing the next pregnancy (in the unlikely event that the relationship survives that scenario).

Whether she should or shouldn't be drinking is irrelevant. She is and has made her choice. The ops only choice is how she deals with it.