AIBU at her putting me down

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

So bit of a rant but bit of AIBU.

Bit of background. So my mum has always been a bit opinionated to me and Dsis. Can be a bit overpowering and can be a bit full of herself. Even though she claims she's shy and what not. She came round mine earlier to drop something off. I had a handyman round fixing something. We were chatting about work and he mentioned he knew of my dad as they are in the same line of work. When my mum turned up i mentioned this and we were all chatting. Now this is the bit that annoyed me. She was saying people doing "pen pushing" were dull,boring and no sense of humour. She knows I have an office job so felt this was a bit of a dig at me. I just said hey in a light hearted way and she said "Well you are boring". Didn't want to say anything in front of this handyman and by the time they stopped talking I let it go. But AIBU to be annoyed she said That? She doesn't even work so she has no room to talk! It's like she changes into a different person in front of other people and feels like she has to impress or she will put me or someone else down. Mainly me if I'm there. Why as a parent would you want to make your child look stupid. I wouldn't do that to my DS!

[FizzyGreenWater]

You could raise it in a slightly different way - embarrass her.

'God Mum you made a right fool of yourself in front of the handyman! Talk about needing to put other people down to make yourself look good - you came across SO badly, I was cringing!'

[HeebieJeebies456]

when she said to me "well you are boring" she was being personal. I'm not that witty so probably best to walk away

With people like this you need to have comebacks stored in your head.
I have an elder narcissistic sibling who does this to me - she too will get all huffy and give me the silent treatment when i stand up to her.
According to her i'm 'too sensitive' and 'can't have a laugh'

I choose to stand up to her regardless of the 'consequences/fall out'.
This has allowed me to see her for the person she really is - and i don't like what i see.
I wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like that, so although i love her cos she's my sister, i don't like her and won't put up with her shitty behaviour.

Result - i have gone very low contact with her so her narc-supply is reduced.
I don't share anything personal with her or things about my life so she can't use it as ammunition.

Of course i get scapegoated for the 'tension' and 'bad atmosphere' but i don't give a shit.
My life and self esteem is so much better and healthier for sticking to these boundaries.

Next time your mum accuses you of being boring - "Well mum....you are responsible for half my genetic makeup"
"Well, Dad gave me his work ethic genes...the boring gene must have come from you"
"Mum - you keep coming out with the same rubbish everytime....THAT is the epitome of boring!"

Rude, i know, but that's the only thing they understand.

[earlyrisingmum]

wine I have already had 1 big argument with her and didn't speak to her for 2 weeks. I tried to not apologise as i had done nothing wrong. It was my dad who came round and made me say sorry to her as he said sometimes in life we have to say sorry even if we think we are right!!

nigel everything you have said rings true! I realise it isnt normal and have had counselling for how shes tried me. I think my low self esteem and shyness has come from the way shes treated me too. Yet shes said to me when i was a teen "i dont know why you're not confident". Now i know why im not. Yes excatly and what do you say to "its just a joke" because then they try make you look like you're over reacting!

fizzy yes i think thats quite a good way maybe. If she knew i was going to do that, then she might think to try belittle me.

heebie yes i think as ive got older and i've stood up to her more she doesnt like it so i'm now seeing that horrible side to her. Its tough because i do love her but i also dont like her sometimes or dont agree with her views or opinions.

[MagicMoneyTree]

My dad does this. He also accuses me of being insensitive if I pull him up on it. I've started saying to him (in front of the other person) "you always do this when you're showing off" I also change the focus of the conversation with the other person so it's obvious I'm dismissing the critical comment and moving on. Seems to have shut him up the last few times he's done it so will stick with it for now.

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

magic that is a good way of defusing the situation. Might have to try it

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

I like Magic's approach. Call her out on it and then walk away, leave her comment hanging.

You might find she goes on the defensive, in which case you need to be neutral and factual: You do show off. You always put me down when other people are around and I don't know why you do it, because it's upsetting and unfair. Perhaps you need to have a think about the things that you say and how they come across.

[HeebieJeebies456]

Your dad was the 'flying monkey' sent over to put you in your place and do her bidding.

A flying monkey is always an enabler....so i think you might need to get tough with your dad too.

[Bluntness100]

She was showing off and knew she could get away with it. By saying you were boring she was trying to tell him she was not. She was however showing just how interesting and exciting she is at her own daughters expense.

I get why you don't want to cause a scene, next time just say something like " nice" or "charming" then turn to the other person, rolling your eyes, grinning and say " so anyway" .

In future though, start doing it back. Little sly digs. If she complains tell her not to be ridiculous as she does it to you.