AIBU at her putting me down

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

So bit of a rant but bit of AIBU.

Bit of background. So my mum has always been a bit opinionated to me and Dsis. Can be a bit overpowering and can be a bit full of herself. Even though she claims she's shy and what not. She came round mine earlier to drop something off. I had a handyman round fixing something. We were chatting about work and he mentioned he knew of my dad as they are in the same line of work. When my mum turned up i mentioned this and we were all chatting. Now this is the bit that annoyed me. She was saying people doing "pen pushing" were dull,boring and no sense of humour. She knows I have an office job so felt this was a bit of a dig at me. I just said hey in a light hearted way and she said "Well you are boring". Didn't want to say anything in front of this handyman and by the time they stopped talking I let it go. But AIBU to be annoyed she said That? She doesn't even work so she has no room to talk! It's like she changes into a different person in front of other people and feels like she has to impress or she will put me or someone else down. Mainly me if I'm there. Why as a parent would you want to make your child look stupid. I wouldn't do that to my DS!

[Bluntness100]

She was showing off and knew she could get away with it. By saying you were boring she was trying to tell him she was not. She was however showing just how interesting and exciting she is at her own daughters expense.

I get why you don't want to cause a scene, next time just say something like " nice" or "charming" then turn to the other person, rolling your eyes, grinning and say " so anyway" .

In future though, start doing it back. Little sly digs. If she complains tell her not to be ridiculous as she does it to you.

[HeebieJeebies456]

Your dad was the 'flying monkey' sent over to put you in your place and do her bidding.

A flying monkey is always an enabler....so i think you might need to get tough with your dad too.

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

I like Magic's approach. Call her out on it and then walk away, leave her comment hanging.

You might find she goes on the defensive, in which case you need to be neutral and factual: You do show off. You always put me down when other people are around and I don't know why you do it, because it's upsetting and unfair. Perhaps you need to have a think about the things that you say and how they come across.

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

magic that is a good way of defusing the situation. Might have to try it

[MagicMoneyTree]

My dad does this. He also accuses me of being insensitive if I pull him up on it. I've started saying to him (in front of the other person) "you always do this when you're showing off" I also change the focus of the conversation with the other person so it's obvious I'm dismissing the critical comment and moving on. Seems to have shut him up the last few times he's done it so will stick with it for now.

[earlyrisingmum]

wine I have already had 1 big argument with her and didn't speak to her for 2 weeks. I tried to not apologise as i had done nothing wrong. It was my dad who came round and made me say sorry to her as he said sometimes in life we have to say sorry even if we think we are right!!

nigel everything you have said rings true! I realise it isnt normal and have had counselling for how shes tried me. I think my low self esteem and shyness has come from the way shes treated me too. Yet shes said to me when i was a teen "i dont know why you're not confident". Now i know why im not. Yes excatly and what do you say to "its just a joke" because then they try make you look like you're over reacting!

fizzy yes i think thats quite a good way maybe. If she knew i was going to do that, then she might think to try belittle me.

heebie yes i think as ive got older and i've stood up to her more she doesnt like it so i'm now seeing that horrible side to her. Its tough because i do love her but i also dont like her sometimes or dont agree with her views or opinions.

[HeebieJeebies456]

when she said to me "well you are boring" she was being personal. I'm not that witty so probably best to walk away

With people like this you need to have comebacks stored in your head.
I have an elder narcissistic sibling who does this to me - she too will get all huffy and give me the silent treatment when i stand up to her.
According to her i'm 'too sensitive' and 'can't have a laugh'

I choose to stand up to her regardless of the 'consequences/fall out'.
This has allowed me to see her for the person she really is - and i don't like what i see.
I wouldn't choose to be friends with someone like that, so although i love her cos she's my sister, i don't like her and won't put up with her shitty behaviour.

Result - i have gone very low contact with her so her narc-supply is reduced.
I don't share anything personal with her or things about my life so she can't use it as ammunition.

Of course i get scapegoated for the 'tension' and 'bad atmosphere' but i don't give a shit.
My life and self esteem is so much better and healthier for sticking to these boundaries.

Next time your mum accuses you of being boring - "Well mum....you are responsible for half my genetic makeup"
"Well, Dad gave me his work ethic genes...the boring gene must have come from you"
"Mum - you keep coming out with the same rubbish everytime....THAT is the epitome of boring!"

Rude, i know, but that's the only thing they understand.

[FizzyGreenWater]

You could raise it in a slightly different way - embarrass her.

'God Mum you made a right fool of yourself in front of the handyman! Talk about needing to put other people down to make yourself look good - you came across SO badly, I was cringing!'

[nigelsbigface]

I did once.and got told I was 'being ridiculous' and that 'we can't say anything to you, we're always in the wrong....'
My mum has never once admitted she was wrong or apologised about anything in my living memory....her best form of defence has always been attack.

It's ruined our relationship in lots of ways which is a shame as she is a good Nan to my girls and in some ways is nice. It's just this weird hyper critical attitude towards me that she has, that as I get older the less I can tolerate it. I was a wayward teenager admittedly and it stems from that very possibly. There were two years where I'm sure I wasn't great to live with....never been right since then.
Sorry op I've hijacked your thread there...

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

Nigel - you need to respond with 'If that's a joke, I don't find it funny'.

[nigelsbigface]

My mum and Dad do similar...they sort of talk about me to other people in front of me kind of thing and will always say something derogatory or piss takey and laugh if off as a joke... for example they were there when our new dog Walker came round the other week and I was trying out loud to do the mental arithmetic around what I would need to pay her per week-not struggling just trying to work it out-when my mum pipes up 'blimey you'll be here all day if it's Nigel working it out-she failed her maths gcse the first time around-she's an idiot at Maths'...no need for it at all, and the dog walker was a bit . It happens all the time with strangers and with in front of other family members.It almost a form of showing off with them I think.
It took me about 25 years to realise that it isn't normal for this to happen all the bloody time and it certainly was a light bulb moment in terms of me realising where my own insecurities and once crippling shyness came from.
Oddly enough my exh said something similarly derogatory about me to my daughter the other day (in a jokey way but still) and I also realised that I had gone on to bloody marry someone who does the same-he did it all the time when we were together.(Out of that now fortunately).

It's hard to handle as the perpetrator will
Always say 'it was a joke' and accuse you of being oversensitive...,

[Wineandrosesagain]

Perhaps that huge argument needs to be had - don't let her wind you up and be mean about you to other people or to your face. She sounds nasty and insecure. I think you need to stand up to her and tell her how it makes you feel and that you won't tolerate it anymore. I would be very straight and say something every time she makes a rude/nasty comment or tries to wind you up. I would also reduce the time I spent with her. Please stop allowing her to hurt you.

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

over she would 100% be defensive and say I'm being silly and sensitive.

talkin yes she has said before I'm an easy target and sometimes it's fine to wind me up. If I stand up to her it would cause another huge argument and id be the scapegoat and person in the wrong!

[OverOn]

It might be that she thinks she is having a 'banter' without realising she's actually just rude. It's as if being thought of as funny takes precedence over everything else, especially if she's particularly like this in front of men.

If you said to her 'mum I found the comment about being a pen pusher and boring hurtful' how would she react? Would she be defensive or concerned she'd upset you?

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

You need to send her a message. 'You were rude to me, and what's worse you were rude in front of someone else, and it upset me. I expect an apology'.

Simple as that. No beating around the bush, no 'interpreting' what she said, no giving her excuses. If she treats your DSis differently, it's because she knows your DSis wouldn't stand for it. Stop putting up with it.

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

Thanks bim I know she is socially awkward. She's a different person around other people. I've literally cringed so badly before. She's openly thrown insults strangers. Although she does it to men wouldn't do it to women. She tries to be funny but I've apologised on her behalf as it's awful!

kimmy she always harps on about she came from a rough area and so therefore implies I have no idea and I do think she thinks my job is "posh" but millions of people have office type jobs. Also she used to say what she does is like a job e.g. cooking/cleaning. She doesn't really say it now I'm a single parent and I do it alone plus work.

moto yes isn't it so annoying when you think of the perfect comeback after! I should have said that though. She has no reason why she could never work, just didn't want to. Maybe she is jealous, I don't know. For some reason Im letting this get to me and feel a bit teary. I need to get a grip

[Motoko]

You could have replied, "At least I have a job." But I know it's always easier to think of replies after the event. Perhaps have a think about the sort of things she puts you down with and think of some replies, so you've got one handy next time she does it.

But as others have said, it showed her up for the person she is. The handyman probably went away thinking what a bitchy thing it was to do to your own child.

[KimmySchmidt1]

Sounds like a classic case of insecure stay at home mum. All she has is her tidiness, she gets no external validation, and she probably also feels that in getting an office job aether than manual labour you have traded up the social economic ladder to a better job. She may have been trying to ingratiate herself with the tradesman by making fun of your 'posh' in her mind job.

Given how rude she is, can't you just tell her to get a job?

[Bimbop5]

My Dad does this to me as well. I find it really bizarre to insult your child in front of people. Clearly, she was the one that ended up looking like an ass, but I know in the moment how humiliating it can be. I chalk it up to my Dad being ignorant and socially awkward. But this doesn't excuse him or your Mom. Sometimes when my Dad is like this I totally ignore him and walk away. Then he's just left standing with his rude statement and ends up looking stupid.

I feel your pain and I don't understand their actions either!

[SouthWindsWesterly]

I can guarantee you that he probably had a a higher opinion of you than your mum when he left the house.

[DingDongDenny]

My mum kind of does this - it's like she is showing off to other people. It feels really childish

The other thing she does is when we are out, say for lunch, she looks around to see if there is anyone else she can strike up a conversation with as if my company isn't enough

It used to bother me - doesn't any more. She just makes herself look a bit stupid and I guess I have emotionally withdrawn a bit, sort of like it's a duty visit sometimes

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

*Because she wasn't at home

[Chocolatteandbiscuits]

gotta well my profession is perceived as stereotype boring but she knows me and when she said to me "well you are boring" she was being personal. I'm not that witty so probably best to walk away.

Thanks knitted but I really don't think she would care if I gave her any look.

I don't think she would treat my Dsis this way. I mean she was flapping when she thought my Dsis was ringing her about the parcel because she was at home. Surely you treat your children differently though

[Knittedfairy]

She is definitely trying to belittle you. I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and practise until you have perfected the most withering look you can manage.. and then turn it on full-blast next time she does it. And walk away. Remarks like that say far more about her than you. And, when was the last time you 'pushed a pen' anyway?

[Gottagetmoving]

to say it in front of a stranger or a group of people I don't really like it as I feel she knows what she's doing

She is trying to belittle you. I doubt very much the other person would take notice of think kindly of her. Try to look at it as she is showing herself up...because that's what she IS doing.
It sounds more like she thinks your job is not good enough for you?
If you can't think of a put down response back, then ignore it because it makes her look bad....not you.